Another catch-up post.
Nomiya POV - When I saw this announcement, my first thought was "I hope this isn't the one with the pedophilia allegations." So there's that.
There are ways to make an unlikeable character sympathetic without inventing some past trauma (that happens to be completely unrelated to their unpleasantness in the original story). It's lazy writing. It's a cheap "sad person is sad" story, attempting to be bold and transgressive by making a normally unsympathetic character sad. The problem is that it's unearned. As a result, it just feels empty.
Reliable Narrators - I'd been meaning to read this one for a while; this gave me the excuse to take the plunge. It was a trip.
Orie's story ended up being the basic straightforward recounting of events. It seems the intent was for later entries to cast doubt on her reporting, but we didn't really get much contradiction in later entries. As a result, this comes off as the baseline.
Midori's story took things in a different direction, as her reporting of events quickly turned things in a positively lovecraftian definition. I almost want to say that the lovecraftian turn was perhaps a bit too on the nose, but it's very likely that those unfamiliar with his work barely even noticed.
Also, I was mildly distracted by Rika, not for the obvious reason, but because it reminded me of a character from another work with a similar speech pattern, but decidedly different bearing. (Her preferred self-identification was "this humble fucking genin")
The context provided by Shizune's side was entertaining, and addressed a few of the more puzzling elements of the prior narrations.
Then we get Umber's contribution, which really starts shaking things up, especially with the
huge contradiction it presents near the end. Which, incidentally, is the hook that leaves the reader thirsting for the conclusion of that story, as well as the remaining two sides of the story.
(Side note: I was distracted wondering if this was written with the continuing misidentification of
Aoi as
Keiko, and vice-versa. It's become a pet peeve of mine (I'm looking at you,
http://katawashoujo.wikia.com))
Another voice added to the "it's a shame that it was never finished". It's also a shame that no one, in discussing the unfinished state, suggested the possibility of someone being
Munchenhausen by proxy.
Scar-Crossed Lovers - Why do you insist on hurting us so? Overall, I have to agree with your final assessment that it is, in fact, a fanfic. My theory is either, as you suggest, Male Pattern Baldness, or he may have a slight case of
Voldemort.
A few lines that stood out to me:
Shizune carries herself like a professional business woman. She walks with purpose. Like she is always heading somewhere important. Misha carries herself like she is following someone. That someone being Shizune most likely.
The first half of this quote shows promise; the second half wastes it.
"I learned when I was young. I wanted to learn Japanese so I could watch some anime with my cousin who was born here." I said, looking up at the flourescent lights. It was a lie, but a convincing one all the same, and Shizune seems to buy it.
I'm skeptical that this is a convincing lie. Fun story: I knew someone who taught herself Japanese (through anime initially) and went on to make a career of it. The first time she introduced herself in Japanese in a professional setting, the guy laughed - her Japanese was flawless, except for the fact that she spoke like a gangster.
I get some atheltic apparel on, which includes some thin running shorts, loose t-shirts, tennis shoes, and fedora.
Lines like this are liable to convince your readers that you're writing a parody.
I play with my pencil nervously as I hear Lilly blow her nose through my cell phone.
"Thanks, Hanako. Here's your phone back."
Also, from my read of the character, a proper depiction of Hanako's inner monologue should be suspicious, cynical, and probably darkly sarcastic. Her response to someone like this guy should be "what's his angle?" not "what is this strange desire stirring within my loins?"
