Fading Memories

[Suzaku]

So this is my own thing, inspired by the fact that KS has no mental disabilities. It is a sequel of sorts, and you will see why in later updates.

Chapter 1

Urrrgggghhh... My head hurts. I see... white lights? Aww dammit, I'm in a hospital, aren't I. I see a doctor walking in. Great, people. I hope they found something about my identity. It's weird that I can't remember anything.

"Oh, finally awake, are we? We've determined that there is nothing wrong with you, but the case you have seems to be fugue. A pretty rare occurrence, actually.'

Arrgh, just get this over with already.

"The only thing that we found is your name. You have no living relatives. We did find a school that would be willing to accommodate you, however. It's a school for all kinds of disabilities, both physical and mental."

"So I'm being sent to the looney bin, huh?"

The doctor gave a stern frown. "The people there are just as human as you. And besides, Mr. Satoshi Fujimoto," He said my name with a air of sarcasm, "You aren't one to talk yourself.

------------------------------------

Seriously, this is way too old-school for a "disabled school." The gates are grand and large, and so is the building, impossibly so. But the fact that this building is painted in white does not allay my suspicions that this in fact is a looney bin. Oh well, best to get this over with. As I walk in, a teacher appears to be waiting outside. This teacher seems a bit messy, almost as if he is new. At least, his ruffled hair gives off that look. He is particularly tall, but his eyes are the most interesting part. He seems to almost have a joy for teaching in them. He finally speaks up.

"So you must be the new student! Satoshi Fujimoto, am I right?"

He seems to be oddly informal for a teacher.

"Yes, that is me."

He proceeded to give off a cheeky grin. "I am Mr. Nakai, I am your homeroom teacher, and I am basically your guardian while you are here. Class starts in 30 minutes, so if you would like to see your dorm, go ahead."

I take his hand in a handshake, before departing. He's not a usual teacher for sure. I could get used to him.

---------------------------------------------------

The dorms are exactly as I expected. Boring, white and plain. I need to decorate this soon. I look around, noting that the bathrooms are shared. Great, this is going to be a nuisance later, isn't it? I sigh as I look at the closet. The doctor didn't lie when he said they'd provide for me, at least. 3 different variations of the same uniform, and a casual outfit are there, no doubt provided by the school. I guess they mean to provide for me, as normally this school would fleece me for attendance. But considering I'm a special case. they couldn't really find other ways.

As I take note of the time, I realize I have 10 minutes left. I start getting dressed, and when I am finished, I head for the class.

As I approach, and see Mr. Nakai's smile, my suspicions are confirmed. He's going to make me introduce myself, isn't he? I sigh audibly in annoyance.

He catches on, and says, "You really don't have to do this, you know, but It's better for you and your classmates."

Fine, I'll do it. Better to get this over with anyways. I peer into the classroom after confirming with Mr. Nakai.

Some students pop out of the background, much like a planet in the night sky of stars. Among the ones I notice are one blond girl sleeping, as well as one girl next to her who instantly shies away when I look. There are also students missing various limbs, among the crowd. One I notice in particular has orange hair. and seems to be slightly energetic.

"Students! We have a new student here, who just transferred today. He will now be introducing himself to us." Nakai gave me the cue to speak.

"Hello, I'm Satoshi Fujimoto. I like..." Crap! This is why my failing memory is inconvenient! Say something! "...sports."

PHEW! That should do. It WAS a little white lie, but no harm in that, right?. I notice some of the girls giggling. Seriously, who do they think I am?

Mr. Nakai then speaks up again. "We will be doing group work today, so, Mr. Fujimoto, I'd suggest picking wisely."

Hmmm... he makes a good point. Who should I choose?

[Zerebos]

Is this the entire chapter? It's quite short. Very very short if I'm honest. I like the premise of the story it's interesting, but that's all I can say with this little information.

As for the writing and such, there is a bit of work to be had.

“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.

Since the non-dialogue is a continuation it should use a comma instead of a hard stop: "No," the silver-haired boy spoke up.

Also for dialogue formatting, the spacing should be complete seperation so

He woke up in a hospital room, dazed and tired. The doctor was standing over him. As his vision cleared, the doctor spoke up.
“Do you remember anything new since yesterday?”
“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.
“Unfortunately we have found no reason as to your… sudden memory loss. We have however, found suitable accommodations for you.”

becomes

He woke up in a hospital room, dazed and tired. The doctor was standing over him. As his vision cleared, the doctor spoke up.

“Do you remember anything new since yesterday?”

“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.

“Unfortunately we have found no reason as to your… sudden memory loss. We have however, found suitable accommodations for you.”

The thread stickied towards the top of the forum called "Tips for Fanfic Writers" has more information on this sort of thing.

Also just a little thing, I believe the character is supposed to be Satoshi Fujimoto, but the first time he introduces himself he says

“I’m Satoshi Fuijmoto, as they tell me.”

I guess that's what you get when you have fugue right?

With all that said, I really don't want to discourage you with any of this, by all means keep writing. I do think the idea is cool, just maybe release larger chunks and format it a little better.

[Suzaku]

Is this the entire chapter? It's quite short. Very very short if I'm honest. I like the premise of the story it's interesting, but that's all I can say with this little information.

As for the writing and such, there is a bit of work to be had.

“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.

Since the non-dialogue is a continuation it should use a comma instead of a hard stop: "No," the silver-haired boy spoke up.

Also for dialogue formatting, the spacing should be complete seperation so

He woke up in a hospital room, dazed and tired. The doctor was standing over him. As his vision cleared, the doctor spoke up.
“Do you remember anything new since yesterday?”
“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.
“Unfortunately we have found no reason as to your… sudden memory loss. We have however, found suitable accommodations for you.”

becomes

He woke up in a hospital room, dazed and tired. The doctor was standing over him. As his vision cleared, the doctor spoke up.

“Do you remember anything new since yesterday?”

“No.” The silver haired boy spoke up.

“Unfortunately we have found no reason as to your… sudden memory loss. We have however, found suitable accommodations for you.”

The thread stickied towards the top of the forum called "Tips for Fanfic Writers" has more information on this sort of thing.

Also just a little thing, I believe the character is supposed to be Satoshi Fujimoto, but the first time he introduces himself he says

“I’m Satoshi Fuijmoto, as they tell me.”

I guess that's what you get when you have fugue right?

With all that said, I really don't want to discourage you with any of this, by all means keep writing. I do think the idea is cool, just maybe release larger chunks and format it a little better.

Fair point. I just wanted it to stop at the first choice. Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to release character bios and the other chapters soon. And lol at the misspelling, i'll fix that. I'll definitely make the next chapter longer, just trying to get the idea out and wasn't sure if it should be long.

[Suzaku]

Character Bios:

Removed for spoilers

(Well carp. I forgot to save the bios. Whoops. Gotta find names again.)

[Zerebos]

No worries, man. Intros can definitely be short, but this just felt a little shorter than what it should be. As for the character bios, I'll tell you what someone else will tell you: You shouldn't tell us about them, the story should tell us everything we need to know.

That being said, your characters sound really interesting can't wait to hear about Mr. Nakai

[Suzaku]

No worries, man. Intros can definitely be short, but this just felt a little shorter than what it should be. As for the character bios, I'll tell you what someone else will tell you: You shouldn't tell us about them, the story should tell us everything we need to know.

That being said, your characters sound really interesting can't wait to hear about Mr. Nakai

Fair point. I was just trying to do it in a way KS' website did it, and I'm writing separate paths for each character. I'll describe them in more detail as I go through the story.

[Zerebos]

I'm writing separate paths for each character.

That's quite the ambitious project considering the number of characters you have here. It will also be quite difficult to post them and follow them properly here on the forum. Not sure how you plan on going about it, such as one character at a time or something.

[Suzaku]

I'm writing separate paths for each character.

That's quite the ambitious project considering the number of characters you have here. It will also be quite difficult to post them and follow them properly here on the forum. Not sure how you plan on going about it, such as one character at a time or something.

To be quite honest, I was thinking I'd do it by posting the full story for one route, noting where they my branch off and start, and write the others later on. I might just go with 1 or 2 routes though if it's too big.

[Mirage_GSM]

I might just go with 1 or 2 routes though if it's too big.

"Just" one or two routes, eh? Quite the optimist

Tell me if any of their characterizations is bad, offensive or otherwise bothering you, and I'll change it. This is only for students so far, I'll upload the teacher one later.

I have not problems with the characterizations but more with the fact that you did them at all. Writing character bios at the beginning of a story is a very bad idea for a whole number of reasons:
- It can be seen as a cop-out - laziness of the author.
- It's wasting the potential for those characters to be properly introduced in story... The readers will identify much more with your characters if they can get to know them through their actions and reactions as opposed to read a three-line bio.
- As it is you now have two options: Either you continue writing the story as you would have without the bios and have your OC get to know the ohers in an organic fashion. Problem is, as you've now given us the complete characterization already we'll be able to anticipate how those characters will act and react in any given situation which can be boring - and also your OC will have to figure out things we already know which will feel redundant. Or you just time-skip over the parts where he gets to know them, but that will also feel as if parts of the story are missing.
Third option is to take down the bios and hope most people haven't read them yet.

[Suzaku]

I might just go with 1 or 2 routes though if it's too big.

"Just" one or two routes, eh? Quite the optimist

Tell me if any of their characterizations is bad, offensive or otherwise bothering you, and I'll change it. This is only for students so far, I'll upload the teacher one later.

I have not problems with the characterizations but more with the fact that you did them at all. Writing character bios at the beginning of a story is a very bad idea for a whole number of reasons:
- It can be seen as a cop-out - laziness of the author.
- It's wasting the potential for those characters to be properly introduced in story... The readers will identify much more with your characters if they can get to know them through their actions and reactions as opposed to read a three-line bio.
- As it is you now have two options: Either you continue writing the story as you would have without the bios and have your OC get to know the ohers in an organic fashion. Problem is, as you've now given us the complete characterization already we'll be able to anticipate how those characters will act and react in any given situation which can be boring - and also your OC will have to figure out things we already know which will feel redundant. Or you just time-skip over the parts where he gets to know them, but that will also feel as if parts of the story are missing.
Third option is to take down the bios and hope most people haven't read them yet.

I am quite an idealist lol. Honestly you make a good point. Sorry for screwing up the story for you guys.

[Suzaku]

Chapter 2:

I debate internally, before I decide that I might as well go with the two girls in that direction. The others seem to already have a group, and I'm pretty sure the blue haired one will need help due to the fact that her friend seems to currently be out of it. I push a desk up to them. Now that I notice, the blue haired one seems particularly jumpy. The blonde one wakes up soon after, saving us from an awkward silence. She yawned audibly, drank out of a Thermos, cleared her throat, then spoke.

"Ahh, you must be the new student Mr. Nakai told us about. Sorry for being asleep, tends to happen a lot with me. I'm Sara, and your name is?"

"I'm Satoshi Fujimoto, I guess." DAMMIT! I keep slipping up with the whole memory thing!

Sara laughed, and said: "A bit of a shy one I see? I think you'll get on with Aki well!"

So that's her name. I look at her again, she's visibly nervous. To ease her a bit, I speak:

"Let's get on with the work, shall we?"

------------------------------------------------------

The lunch bell soon rings. Good, I was starting to get hungry. The two depart, but I am then confronted by two girls, one of them being the orange haired one from earlier, the other being a girl with an almost purple blue hair color. She's almost comically short for a high school student, but I do not mention it in fear that they'll make my life hell if I do so. The more energetic one speaks.

"So you are the new student?" Geez, It's almost comical that everyone keeps asking this. She continues: "Do you happen to be interested in clubs? We run the student council and need some members."

Huh, that may be a good deal. I look up, and am greeted with the biggest smirk on both of their faces. This might not be such a great idea...

"I'll sit on it. It IS my first day, after all."

"OK, Satochan! Cime tell us when you've made a decision, OK?"

Wait, WHAT? Her voice is slightly annoying already, but this nickname? It's a bit too far.

"Could you... maybe call me something else?"

Unfazed, she says: "No can do, Satochan."

I look for a way to divert the conversation, and notice something. There is a girl alone, reading a book. She has a look of despair and total resignation. I notice that her eyes are a deep shade of brown, much like her hair, and they are surprisingly deep. She's almost beautiful in her serenity.

"Who is she?"

"Azumi." The shorter girl answered in a huff. "And I am Setzuko. She's Ayaka. If you need anything, tell us."

They left abruptly after speaking. Wonder what they have against her? Before I can ask however, she bows to Mr. Nakai and leaves.

Before I can leave, Mr. Nakai speaks. "You have an appointment after lunch today with the resident counselor and therapist., since you only have one class for now." He winks. "Don't wanna be late for lunch, do we?"

------------------------------------------------------

After having lunch by myself, I decide that it's best to head for Mr. Nakai's room. I mull on the matter of the therapist. Dear god this is going to be another old man in a lab coat, I can already see this. Might as well get it over with.

Mr. Nakai greets me. "Did you enjoy your lunch?" I gave a cursory nod. "Good, then we can be on our way."

As we walk, he notices my tension. "So, you liking the school so far? I actually attended here way back when. I have arrhythmia."

I give away my surprise, with a almost amazed look. I should really stop doing that. "That's a rare condition, isn't it?"

He smirks. "Not like yours isn't. Have you actually taken thought as to your identity and why you are here?"

I shrug in indifference, and he notices that I don't like the topic being pushed.

"Bit of a ladies man, are we?"

I gag at these words.

He chuckles, then continues. "I had a few ladies attention at school myself, you know. Don't worry about it, and don't misstep. If you need anything, you can come to me.

How is he so casual when a mere scare could kill him? How does this school treat these disabilities as normal?! I'm interrupted when we reach a door on the first floor. It is remarkably plain. He motions for me to enter, and I do so, dreading the worst.

The room is surprisingly more pleasant then I expected. Posters and supplemental material hang across the wall. The therapist has their back turned towards me, but turns around when she hears the door close. I am hit with complete and utter shock as I realize that, not only is the therapist a mid-aged female, but that she isn't even wearing white or a lab coat! I am more shocked, however, when I notice that she is scarred on half of her face! I try my best not to stare, but it's hard not to, considering their... placement. She smiles, and says:

"Earth to Fujimoto, Earth to Fujimoto, are you there?" She says this in a sarcastic tone. I snap out of it, blushing slightly at my faux pas.

"Sorry, I wan't expecting... this."

She smiles. "Nobody really does. But anyways, I am Mrs. Nakai, the resident therapist here. I have been informed that you have a particular case of fugue?"

I nod.

"This is actually the first time I've seen this kind of disassociative disorder." She smiles, reassuring me. "Now what do you remember?"

I frown. "Only my name. The only reason I even remember it is because of a slip of paper in my pocket that was found."

She smiles. "Ok, now you are free on Sunday, correct?" I nod to affirm it. "So we will have weekly meetings then. I don't mind the time, but I'm usually away by 10 pm. If you need me later for an emergency, you can inform my husband. You know him well enough, right?"

"I do."

She then smiles, and says: "You should try to think about your past more often, It may help." She then says "You may find my method of therapy unconventional however."

"Shall we begin this session now, then?' I ask.

[Mirage_GSM]

(From this point on, I'm writing in first person. Sorry for the shift, It just feels akward in third person)

Good call. About 95% of all stories here are written that way.
I was actually just going to call you out on that. It's not that you can't use 3rd person narration, but you've been using it inconsistently up to now:

"Alright, I'll bite. I pick them." He points to a girl with dyed blue hair and one with raven black hair sitting together. Well, more like the black haired girl was trying to wake the other.

Mr. Nakai visibly beamed. We then moved our desks close together. By that time, the blue haired girl had been woken up.

Internal observations like the part in italics don't go with 3rd person narrative.
Also inconsistent: tenses (see underlined words)

"DID." The oddly blunt girl answered.

Huh, I should probably approach her sooner or later.

So... he just knows what that is or is he too ashamed to ask?

As I came into the next class, I realized she was in there with me. Ahh well, can't be helped.

Just a short memo on the Japanese school system: Usually a class will have all subjects together and not being randomly mixed with other classes like that...
Or maybe I misunderstood you and he just didn't notice her there in the morning...

And yes, Mr. Nakai is Hisao.

Not really a surprise there...

[Suzaku]

(From this point on, I'm writing in first person. Sorry for the shift, It just feels akward in third person)

Good call. About 95% of all stories here are written that way.
I was actually just going to call you out on that. It's not that you can't use 3rd person narration, but you've been using it inconsistently up to now:

"Alright, I'll bite. I pick them." He points to a girl with dyed blue hair and one with raven black hair sitting together. Well, more like the black haired girl was trying to wake the other.

Mr. Nakai visibly beamed. We then moved our desks close together. By that time, the blue haired girl had been woken up.

Internal observations like the part in italics don't go with 3rd person narrative.
Also inconsistent: tenses (see underlined words)

"DID." The oddly blunt girl answered.

Huh, I should probably approach her sooner or later.

So... he just knows what that is or is he too ashamed to ask?

As I came into the next class, I realized she was in there with me. Ahh well, can't be helped.

Just a short memo on the Japanese school system: Usually a class will have all subjects together and not being randomly mixed with other classes like that...
Or maybe I misunderstood you and he just didn't notice her there in the morning...

And yes, Mr. Nakai is Hisao.

Not really a surprise there...

For the DID, it's sorta both. He has basic knowledge of some disorders, but decides it would be rude to flat out ask her. I guess you could tke hos class remark like that. I forgot that about the school system lol. Usually because KS never describes the afternoon classes. And I know it wasn't really a surprise lol. Just wanted to write that down.

[Suzaku]

As I woke up, I realized that this day was a weekend. It had been so chaotic coming here that I forgot it was a off day today.

Guess I'll just explore the rooms then.

After looking for 10 minutes, I stumbled across the two that I was working with yesterday. Huh, at least it isn't bad company. The other one was sleeping, however.

"H-hello!" She stuttered, clearly anxious. "W-what did you need?"

Huh, she didn't need to be that anxious. I took another closer look at her. She had deep brown eyes, and jet black hair. She was nearly stick like, and had a certain air of beauty to her.

"I just wanted... to see if I could sit here with you."

She blushed furiously, before speaking. "S-Sure."

I noticed that she was overly shy and anxious, but my train of thought was interrupted when the other girl yawned, waking up. Her messy dyed hair moved, and I noticed that she had particularly noticeable eyebags.

"Hhellloooo", she spoke, slurring her words.

After she fully woke up, I spoke.

"Soooo, what do you guys do in this room?"

I noticed that the once-asleep girl was startled, as she took a sip out of what appeared to be a Thermos. She then muttered:

"Ireallyshouldstopdrinkingthisstuffbutmymedsdontcutitanymore."

Finally fully awake, she said,

"Ahh, we just play games and relax in here. Honestly she really likes quiet places, and I oblige her. She's my best friend, after all."

Now that I think of it, she doesn't sound formal, although I expected it from her at this time.

"123567123567," I heard the other girl mumble under her breath. I thought to ask about it, but realized they must be shy about it.

"She has OCD. You seriously think we'd hide something like that from you?" She smirked, knowing what I was thinking.

How? How are they so carefree about it? Their worlds must have been upended, like mine, but how are they so carefree?

"Anyways, we were just planning to go to a cafe in town we regularly frequent. Want to come along?"

I blushed, realizing that I would be travelling with them.

-----------------------------

As we walked, Sara (finally remembered something else) stifled a huge yawn.

"S-should we return?" Aoki stammered.

"Nah, I'm fine. How about you, Sato?"

I responded, "Still good."

After 20 minutes, we finally got there. The waitress sat us down, and we ordered

I then stared at Aoki. She really is too wound up for her own good. I'm pretty sure Sara can deal with her, however. On second thought, she doesn't seem to be doing so hot, even with Sara around. She became pale, while I realized that I was staring.

"Oh, sorry! Was I staring?" I laughed nervously at my blunder.

Aoki blushed in a manner that made her look like a beet. I knew I'd screw this up.

Sara whispered something in Aoki's ear, and it seemed to help her momentarily calm down. She then stammered out:

"Y-you didn't know. Y-you're one of the good ones."

I tried to rationalize her statement, but food arrived just in time. I had ordered a sandwich plate, with a fruit smoothie.

After dinner, Aoki passes me something. A origami crane. Suddenly, I was assaulted by flashbacks:

"Big bro! I can't do this!" a little girl cried.

"Nonsense. You can do whatever you set your mind on, Akemi."

He then folded the paper in the shape of a crane.

"Thank you, brother!"

As I recovered from that... episode, Aoki seemed almost... traumatised.

"D-did I do something to hurt you?" she asked, crestfallen.

"No, no. I just... remembered something. Thank you for the crane, Aoki."

I'm only telling them when I am more comfortable with this memory thing myself.

We walked back, Aoki still unable to look at my eyes without turning her head the second I noticed.

"We are always welcoming to new people. If you need a favor, tell us. G'night, Sato."

I parted from them, leaving to my dorm. I tried to reflect over the memory I had, but I could only fish out that bit. Frustrated, I threw on my night clothes, and went to sleep.

(Just a question, would I be able to post pictures of my characters here?)

[Mirage_GSM]

Sure you can post pictures. May writers do.

Regarding what I wrote last time on tenses:

Most stories here are written in present tense. You're free to use past tense instead of course, but you should try to keep it consistent.

As I woke up, I realized that this day was a weekend. It had been so chaotic coming here that I forgot it was a off day today.

Guess I'll just explore the rooms then.

You can't have a story in past tense and then insert present tense interior monologue every now and again. If you want to keep the story in past tense, the last sentence has to be something like "I decided to explore the rooms for a bit."
A few more lines where you did this:

Now that I think of it, she doesn't sound formal, although I expected it from her at this time.
How? How are they so carefree about it? Their worlds must have been upended, like mine, but how are they so carefree?
I then stared at Aoki. She really is too wound up for her own good. I'm pretty sure Sara can deal with her, however. On second thought, she doesn't seem to be doing so hot, even with Sara around. She became pale, while I realized that I was staring. (Here it's even within one paragraph)
After dinner, Aoki passes me something. (This is not even interior monologue but just plain present tense.)
I'm only telling them when I am more comfortable with this memory thing myself.

If you like using interior monologue I suggest you switch to present tense, since it might be easier for you to keep it consistent.

Also this chapter is missing a bit of context:
-This is the weekend, but did you skip a few days or did he start school on a Saturday?
- He just woke up and starts exploring... The dorms? Does this school have mixed dorms? Or does he go to another building first?
Stuff like this might be clear to you as the writer, but in most cases you'll have to spell it out for your readers as well. It's also a nice way for some additional exposition like the layout of the place and general descriptions of the surroundings. That's something that's so far mostly missing in your story...