Iwanako short/one shot - The Cold Letter

[InSaiyan]

Hey! I'm rather new to community, so I'd like to introduce myself to those I haven't already spoken with on reddit or discord.
You can call me InSaiyan. I'm just a guy who downloaded KS on my phone during the New Year holiday because I wanted to check out this dark humor themed dating simulator and have some laughs. I knew absolutely nothing about this novel and after spending a few hours going through it, I knew I'd messed up.
This wasn't a dating Sim, it was a story, also, there was no dark humor really, there were just feels.
I was suggested to come here and check out some your alls work, which I've found nothing short of incredible, for the most part.
That was a little over a month ago that I began my journey into the vast world of fan-made KS works and I'm still having a blast.
I've had a yearning to try writing on my own, but, I'll warn you now, I've never wrote anything outside of research papers. I had absolutely no confidence about this, but after some encouragement from a friend I figured I'd just give it a shot.

So, here we are! I have a couple bigger projects I'm working on, but I put them on hold to finish up the short I'm submitting for you all today.

The idea of this short/one shot..
The concept of this short is something I had thought about on my third or fourth read-through. It was more of a mild curiosity at first, but it quickly turned into an itch that I wanted to scratch. So, I did.
How did Iwanako react to the whole situation?
We know a little, based off of what Hisao says about her visiting in the hospital and the letter that she writes him, but what if there was more under the surface of all of that? Nobody can go through a situation like that and just carry on with their normal life, can they?

That's my goal in writing this; to explore that question in a way that maybe I didn't expect or think about before.

My hope is that this gives a unique perspective into the situation and leaves you feeling slightly different about it.
More importantly than that, I hope this is just entertaining to read.

I encourage any and all criticism or pointers that are offered to me! I'd like to improve my ability, if nothing else!

So, with introductions out of the way, let's get started!


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Iwanako - The Cold Letter

Steam rises off of the hot water I lie in as I study the inside of my eyelids.
The water makes me feel weightless, maybe that's why I spend so much time in here.
It's a cheap break from the reality of the situation I'm in, but I know I'm just avoiding it.
I wish I could just dissolve into the water and be flushed down the drain with it. I wish it was that easy to escape.
Mom and dad said I shouldn't talk like that, but they should know better than to believe that I can help it at this point.

I can't avoid this. I need to do it tonight and get it over with. I can't keep holding on to him like this, and I can't keep holding him back.

I pull myself up and grab a towel off the rack beside the bathtub, letting warm water drip off my body and down the drain.
I try to dry my hair some, but I quickly lose the energy to continue and just let the damp mess rest on my shoulders and back.
I wrap the towel around my body and step out, back in to the real world.

I stand in front of the mirror, but I know I'm not strong enough to do it still.
Still, I raise my head to meet the mirror.
I look at that blank, emotionless figure staring back at me, she's still so unfamiliar to me.
Pale skin cover her cheeks, red blotches breaking out in random patterns over them.
The tip of her nose is red with irritation and dryness.
Dark bags have formed under her eyes, as if she hasn't slept for weeks.
The sclera of her eyes look like shattered glass, with red veins shooting all through them.
It doesn't seem like I can find her pupils. My own eyes just won't let me match hers in the mirror.
"Disgusting." is the only word I can muster up.
A subconscious "Why..?" escapes my cracking lips as I drop my face from the mirror.
The voice is even unfamiliar to me now, it almost makes me feel sick to hear it.

I can't keep doing this.
I have t-..I have to finish this.
A thousand doubts cross my mind while I'm trying to convince myself to finish what I've started.
They fall on deaf ears now. I've made the decision to do this and I need to see it through.

I exit the bathroom and walk across the hallway to my room, towel still wrapped around my body and my hair still damp and lying in a mess against my back.

I enter my room, but it doesn't even feel like mine anymore.
Clothes lie in messy piles, scattered everywhere. My bed hasn't been made in days, despite its little use.
The only light on is the one illuminating my desk space.
It's the only thing familiar to me now. Crumpled and torn letters overflow out of the trash bin beside it. I've tried this every night this past month and just can't bring myself to finish it, until tonight.
Tonight I'm going to do it, no matter how much it kills me.
He deserves better.

I fall into my desk chair, pushing unfinished and scratched out letters aside to create space.
I pull out a new letter with some bright and summery scenes on it. My frown only deepens at the thought of any happy scene right now, but this isn't about me.
I pick up one of my signature pink pens. Maybe if I write like he was used to seeing, he won't think anything has changed much.

I begin to write, my hand trembling slightly.

'Dear Hisao,'

I want to make him feel like he's not missing anything here, that nothing has changed too much but that we do miss him.
...that I miss him.
I shake the thought from my head, as tears start welling up in my eyes, an all too familiar feeling now.
No, I won't hold him back from being happy like that.

'How are you? I hope you are well
and happy at your new...'

My hand continues the work, but I find myself frozen as I go to begin the fifth page, just like every night before this one.
This is where I always quit, where I trash the whole letter and add one more to the pile of failed attempts.
I can't put this off forever; I won't.
Hisao deserves to be happy and move on, if he hasn't already.
I've held him back long enough from that.. After all, this is all my fault.

I push past the pain I felt on that snowy day, and I push past the memories of him lying in the hospital bed, my mouth unable to open to the thousands of things I wanted to say to him at the time. I shake my head violently to rid myself of the distracting thoughts, putting my pen to paper once more and doing my best not to show my true emotions through the words I write.

'There are other things I want to
say. I'm writing to you because I
felt that there are...'

The tears are rolling down my cheeks now, tracing the all too familiar paths they've made over the past several months.
The pain in my chest from my thumping heart is almost unbearable..
What right do I have to complain about that though, after what I caused his heart to do?

I continue on to the final page I plan to write.
I need to close it here..

'Now that the distance between us is
also physical, it also feels more
final...'

I have to let him know I'm okay with him being happy. He deserves it and if I'm holding him back at all, my only hope is that he lets go after reading this, no matter how much it tears me apart.

My hands are trembling now, I'm trying with every ounce of focus I have to not make that obvious as I close my letter out.

'I wish you all the best.
Sincerely, Iwanako'

My chest is still beating against my rib cage as I fold the letters into an envelope and seal it with a stamp. My sobs are almost uncontrollable as they force their way out of my throat.

I do my best to stifle it and my heavy footsteps as I drag myself and the letter down the hall into the darkened kitchen.
The letter feels like it weighs 20 pounds between my fingers as I approach the kitchen table.
I let the envelope slip from my grasp and fall beside my mom's purse, with a small note requesting it to be dropped off as soon as possible. I'm sure she'll know what it's about.

I make my way back towards my room, but the weight of the letter never leaves me. If anything, I feel weaker now against the gravity around me.
I close the door of my now pitch black room behind me as the weight of everything around me suddenly comes crashing down.
I try to walk towards my bed but my feet won't move. I'm frozen in the middle of my room, coming face to face with the hell I've created.
A sharp pain shoots through my entire body as it gives up its useless resistance.
My cries can't be held back any longer as they burst out of my mouth, the tears are a constant stream now.
My legs give out beneath me and I fall onto my bedroom floor panting for breath as my cries only grow in hysteria.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, maybe I would have approached things differently, maybe I wouldn't have approached them at all.
It doesn't matter now, I broke a good guy with one careless decision, and nothing can fix that, not even the letter.

It only hurts worse to know that this is all my fault.

[Oddball]

I don't think I've ever seen a story of Iwanako writing the letter before. Nice work there.

[InSaiyan]

I don't think I've ever seen a story of Iwanako writing the letter before. Nice work there.

Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement!

[TubaMirum]

This is a really bold crack into writing for this series, and I must commend you for that. It's a side of the story I haven't seen looked at specifically before, and something I might even need to hash over in my own way in another story.

I can't offer extremely specific criticism at this point of the night and I fear I'll forget to offer any come tomorrow, but you have a really strong theme of Iwanako blaming herself for what happened to him, and you just kind of tell us about it qausi-documentary style. It's hard to do more in such a short format I understand, but this piece with the same exact same set-up and length could be quite a more gripping deal if you just show us the kind of pain or numbness you're imagining Iwanako writing this letter with instead of just describing it plainly as you did.

You have the right idea though, and I'm always happy to see somebody breaking into this. The style of sentences and paragraphs is intriguing, and I could imagine such a thing being approached in a lot of creative ways, merging a bit of the structure of prose and poetry. Your grasp of writing is strong enough that I'm excited to see what else you might have come to mind!

[Mirage_GSM]

One past tense in an otherwise present tense story

Clothes lay in messy piles

and a stray apostrophe

that he let's go

but otherwise the writing is very good.

Also the depiction of Iwanako's emotions is very strong - maybe a bit TOO strong several months after it happened, but excellently written nonetheless.

I agree with Tuba that you should work over your formatting. The ordering of the paragraphs is mostly okay, but you shouldn't use a line break after every full stop. (Most new writers have the opposite problem, though, which is a lot worse.)

Finally a minor nitpick: We are shown the entirety of Iwanako's letter in the VN, and it's nowhere near five pages

[InSaiyan]

Your grasp of writing is strong enough that I'm excited to see what else you might have come to mind!

I really appreciate those kind words. I'll try to improve on some faults I have and not leave you disappointed!

-----

One past tense in an otherwise present tense story

Clothes lay in messy piles

and a stray apostrophe

that he let's go

but otherwise the writing is very good.

Ugh, thank you so much. I write on mobile, so I tend to miss a lot of the small things.

you should work over your formatting...

I don't know how to say this really, but I have no idea on how to format a story properly. I just spaced sentences out where it feels natural and try to create a gap when the setting changes. Any helpful links you could give on proper story formatting in the setting of a fanfic?

Finally a minor nitpick: We are shown the entirety of Iwanako's letter in the VN, and it's nowhere near five pages

Haha, I kept bouncing back and forth with this, but the wiki separates the letter into 9 pages, so I just used that so I could have a natural break for comments between the topics of the letter. It was a lazy excuse really, but meh..if I ever decide to do any more work with this I may change that part.

Thank you so much for the help, I'll do my best to improve on some of these things!

[Mirage_GSM]

I don't know how to say this really, but I have no idea on how to format a story properly. I just spaced sentences out where it feels natural and try to create a gap when the setting changes. Any helpful links you could give on proper story formatting in the setting of a fanfic?

Well, as I said you put a line break after every full stop. That is not neccessary (or advisable).
You can just look at most of the other stories around here to compare - if they use too many or too few paragraphs or linebreaks they'll usually be called out on that.

Haha, I kept bouncing back and forth with this, but the wiki separates the letter into 9 pages, so I just used that so I could have a natural break for comments between the topics of the letter. It was a lazy excuse really, but meh..if I ever decide to do any more work with this I may change that part.

Nine pages? Maybe on a smartphone screen
Printed out it fits comfortably on two thirds of a single page - handwritten maybe two pages. Still, just a nitpick, nothing to get worked up over.

[InSaiyan]

I don't know how to say this really, but I have no idea on how to format a story properly. I just spaced sentences out where it feels natural and try to create a gap when the setting changes. Any helpful links you could give on proper story formatting in the setting of a fanfic?

Well, as I said you put a line break after every full stop. That is not neccessary (or advisable).
You can just look at most of the other stories around here to compare - if they use too many or too few paragraphs or linebreaks they'll usually be called out on that.

Haha, I kept bouncing back and forth with this, but the wiki separates the letter into 9 pages, so I just used that so I could have a natural break for comments between the topics of the letter. It was a lazy excuse really, but meh..if I ever decide to do any more work with this I may change that part.

Nine pages? Maybe on a smartphone screen
Printed out it fits comfortably on two thirds of a single page - handwritten maybe two pages. Still, just a nitpick, nothing to get worked up over.

Haha, I can do that! I do really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me improve my writing.