Hello everyone.
This is my first time making a thread here after a few years of inactivity.
I had another account, but I forgot the name of it, or what email I used.
I'm back because I wanted to post a Fanfic that I started in late 2013, that I never finished.
It was personal project for me to test my English skills, but I also thought writing a KS prequel would be a wonderful idea.
This project was left forgotten in my older laptop when I was overwhelmed with work and classes, so I never got around to finishing it.
In fact, I'm not entirely sure what the original plot was going to be, but I feel now that I can continue it with a fresh mind and new ideas.
I've have not written anything yet as of late, but I'm going to post what I had written so far three years ago, and see how others react to it.
It will start out slow, in fact would say it is kind of boring, so maybe you can give me some advice on how to condense it.
The Plot
The MC of this Fiction will be Haruhiko Suzumiya, one of the boys seen on the class 3-3 roster, and in the scene where Hisao is introduced to the class.
I decided to use already existing characters because I never liked the Inventing of new main characters.
I remember trying to deliberately copy kind of a LN feel to the writing. That is why it is not written a more traditional, bookish way.
Originally, I wanted to create a proactive Fanfic, where I would update every other week and have the audience choose the routes between six girls (Ritsu, Ikuno, Naomi, Natsume, Suzu, and Misaki or Saki). I no longer feel like this is possible, since the the amount of people who frequent KS boards have diminished, so i might make this a linear Fanfic.
What is important actually is the setting. The setting will be less than a year before Hisao was admitted to Yamaku, so that we can go though some of the back story that lead to some of the events that happened in the VN. Mostly the student council drama,Emi's former relationship, etc.
I wonder if this is something worth perusing; let me know.
Thanks,
PC.
Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
Last edited by PurpleCow on Sat Jun 18, 2016 11:02 am, edited 4 times in total.
Chapter 1: A Day In The Life
Intense sunlight shines through the cloudless sky, reminding us of the unmerciful summer.
A droplet of sweat from my brow follows path to the bridge of my nose, and drops down to sizzle on the asphalt of the track.
The track carried a dense smell of burnt rubber, a queer contrast to the smell of sweets and fried food coming from the stalls near the track
“Go Captain!” “Hurry!”
Cries and applause from the crowd as the third leg of the relay receives the baton.
Ahead at first seems to be Junten High School, wearing black and electric blue, followed by Koiwa High in second wearing gold and burnt red.
Without turning my head, my eyes dart towards my opponents standing near me. They all seem to be in their own determined trance, focused on the first few meters of asphalt ahead of them.
Third comes in the Captain of Yamaku high, wearing white and forest green. The Captains pace is increasing, but his running form is making it obvious that there is discomfort. I grit my teeth in anticipation, mentally prepare myself for any unfortunate accidents that fate might bestow upon the team. Every step that the captain takes, I feel my heart drum faster and sink deeper into my stomach.
To calm myself, I start my breathing exercise. Breath in….1…..2….3….and out. I repeat this until the roars of cheers grow louder, and anchor of Junten high starts blaring off. Not soon after Koiwa’s fourth leg takes off, but there was a struggle while the baton was being passed, wasting a precious few seconds.
I’m forced to throw myself from my relaxed state and refocus. The Captain’s figure grows larger, until he is close enough for me to see him mouth the words “Go”.
I start making my run and extend my left arm back while gluing my gaze on the baton, upon its touch, I grip it and take off full speed.
“Go Haruhiko! I’m counting on you!”
I sprint, making sure to keep focus on my muscle movement and foot placement. The crowd and the world around me suddenly become silent, I hear nothing but the consistent tapping of my feet against the asphalt.
Taptaptaptaptaptaptap….
Suddenly; “Go Go GOOO!!!!!”
Screams and cries from rival and fellow students’ alike increase three-fold as I reach the final 50 meters.
I turn my head slightly to the left to see that I have just past Kiowa high and slowly catching up to Junten.
My muscles twitch in excitement, my breath feels cooler and heavier, and a burst of adrenaline pours into my veins.
20 meters left, I run parallel to Junten. I hear the runner’s heave and hackle, in contrast to my smooth wheezing. He had the height advantage, taking long and powerful strides, but I have the solid stamina. We are both running at our maximum; I cannot force any more out of my legs even if I could, and if my opponent were to turn any redder, Yamaku would expect to receive a new student.
Final few meters I throw in all my effort for a last Hail Mary,
We finally reach the line.
“Winner!!!!......”
I try to listen for the announcement, but my focus was interrupted by a snapping sensation in my right knee, followed by a blinding pain.
Upon trying to listen, I unconsciously halted in place instead of slowing down in a steady pace. Doing that was like slamming the breaks on a fully loaded dump truck, while going full speed downhill.
I feel my knee loose its elasticity; I try to fall on my side but the momentum and lack of reaction time forced me to land on my cheekbone.
“Ughhh *cough* AAHggghnnnnn”
My groans are drowned out by the voices and music coming from the crowd. A pulsating pain from my knee and stinging of the road-rash reminds me of the unfairness of the situation.
I try my best to get up, my right legs lays lifeless and unresponsive, and my vision begins to turn cloudy.
“Hey Haruhiko, you alright?”
I try to answer, but I find myself flopping down on myside on fetal, slowly watching the scenery in front me fade into black.
“Hey!!! Someone call the nurse!!!”
I lay my head on its side on the hot asphalt. Slowly, a familiar warm wetness envelopes the side of my face bringing me to a startling realization.
My head is bleeding.
Tired, in pain, and exhausted, I let the darkness take me, almost as if welcoming it.
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Sometime between two or three o’clock in the morning I woke up to the maddening repetition of an IV beeping. I was able to tell time in an almost instinctual movement. Clocks in hospitals almost always hung above the doors, but because of how dark it is, and the angle I am laying, it was difficult for me to pinpoint what hour hand was pointing were.
God damn it
I think that to myself almost out loud. As much as I would like to say I was surprised about the outcome; I’m not. Considering the fact that my body is already handicapped, and injuries in sports are bound to land you in the hospital already, I should consider myself lucky that there is still an unfamiliarity with all of this.
Speaking of the race, I never found out who won. For whatever reason, this fact has made me more anxious than the fact I am covered in bandages and hooked up on to an IV.
Regardless of who won, it was supposed to be a fun event. It was supposed to test and remind me of my potentials rather than my faults.
It’s not been long since my last hospital visit, in fact I would say that they are quite routine. But most of these visits mostly centered on blood transfusions and physical theory. I cannot remember the last time I was immobilized this badly.
Currently, I am laying back with my right leg in a hoisted position, and my head wrapped in an uncomfortably thick bandage.
To make matters worse, I am extremely thirsty, and upon smacking my lips hoping to hydrate them, I discover that the entirety of the left side of my face is swollen.
It explains the limited vision of my left eye, now becoming annoyingly obvious.
I look around and pat my sides looking for a call button or controller, but to no avail. In fact, these hospital beds are way too old fashioned for them to have such a luxury. They have a crib-like metal railings on the sides, and the upper half can only be moved manually. This is all too primitive, even to Yamaku’s standards.
Now…normally whenever I wake up in a hospital, there had always been medical staff at arm’s length. It is night time now, so I am not entirely sure it would be appropriate for me to start yelling. Going back to sleep is an option, but I do not know how long I’ve been out. For all I know, I could have just awoken from a two week coma and going to back to sleep could worsen my condition.
Looks like the alternative is a better option.
“Hello!??”
No answer, I’ll try it harder
“HELLOOOO!!? Ah!”
Yelling hurts my face a lot.
I continued yelling between few second intervals, and getting thirstier by the minute.
In the middle of possibly my loudest scream, someone opens the door hastily
“Yes!? What’s the matter!?”
Even in the darkness I could tell the nurse was of a younger, possibly just a few years older than me.
Slightly embarrassed I cough to clear my throat.
“I, I just woke up, where am I?”
Without answering she flips the switch on. The sudden brightness causes me to shut my eyes until they adjust.
“You are in Keiko University hospital, please sit still while I look at your records.”
She picks up a clipboard from the edge of the bed and flips between the first two pages. Judging from the lack of concern on her face, it is safe to assume that I won’t be slipping in a coma any time soon.
She finally looks up at me, biting the nail on her thump and asks, “You have Hemophilia?”
I nod, as I do, she power walks over to the IV and pushes some buttons on the machine.
“You suffered a concussion and had to get a staple on a cut on your head, we currently have you have on you on a heavier dosage of prophylaxis and Clotting factor, and we are monitoring for any potential increase of the swelling”.
“W-what? My face is kind of swollen, but my head feels fine.”
“Those are the painkillers, for when you dislocated your knee, the swelling for that should stop soon however”
I take a quick glance at the hoisted up leg. I do recall my knee being hurt, but I never imagined that I would of dislocated it.
If I could frown, I would, if it didn't hurt so much.
She marks some things off the clipboard and looks back up at me.
“At what time did you wake up?”
I pause for a moment to calculate, “Around five minutes before I called” I confidently utter.
“Ok” she scribbles some more on the clipboard “I’m going to get the doctor, he will be here shortly.”
“Wait, can I get some wat……”
She leaves the room quickly without hearing me, giving an almost professional and determined air about her.
A few minutes pass, and a slouching and messy young man, perhaps late twenties, wearing some band t-shirt and beige cargo shorts, enters the room.
Is this the Doctor? Whoever he is, he currently holding the clipboard the nurse had earlier, but this guy seems more like the living-in-the-basement neet than a medical professional.
“Hey Guy finally awake I see, I’m Doctor Yamamoto of Neurology”
“Ugh…..hi”
The Doctor returns my confused look with one of his own, followed by a smile and amused chuckle.
“Forgive the attire, it is graveyard shift, haven’t had my coffee, and the scrubs are in the laundry,He looks around to check for any eavesdroppers
“at least that’s what the nurses’ think”
The nurse said that this was a university hospital right? That explains a lot. I choose not to comment however, and obey diligently while the Doctor puts on latex gloves and fumbles through the usual mundane medical routine.
“Follow my pen with your eyes please,”
…………..
“Good…….Now what is your phone number and most recent address….”
…………………
The routine ends without accomplishing anything.
“Ok Mister Suzumiya, normally I would prescribe you some mild pain killers, lots of sleep, then permission to leave, however, your condition complicates things. Your concussion is moderate, but I will like to keep you under observation for next week in case you get a spontaneous head bleed.”
I suppose that the doctor expected some protest, because he frowns at me nodding and saying “I understand”.
He continues. “Well, on the bright side, the swelling on your knee has responded well to the treatment, but I think you should not put any pressure on it for the next month, and no serious exercise for at least six months. I have contacted the number in the guardians list, which seems to be the Nurse at your school, is there anyone else I should call to let them know you’re ok?”
I sat musing for a moment.
"No, not really" I respond
.
And like that, my second season was over for me, and potentially my short lived Track and Field career. I already knew that the moment I woke up here, but hearing it officially from a third party kind of stings. I do nothing but continue to utter the same words “I understand”.
These words have become a mantra for me. It serves as a self-diluted way to signal myself and others that I have already gone through the grieving process. Not that this is anything worth grieving about, but it certainly makes me feel sorry for myself. Indulging in that feeling is something I’ve become way too accustomed to.
“I scheduled you for a CT scan for the next hour, so I will need you to stay awake for that, so chin up bud"
As he reaches for the door, he turns to ask “Is there anything you need?”
I thought he would never ask.
“Water please”
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The week passed along with the rest of summer break, and it is time for me to leave the hospital.
I spent my summer break confound to a bed, finishing the summer break homework, and passing the time either sleeping or reading. The recovery room had a television, but it was occupied by older women, watching ceaselessly the unlimited number of cheesy dramas on the local TV stations. Occasionally I would watch an episode with them to see how long I would last, before dozing off or opening a book.
The only benefit I obtained from this, was having a consistent influx of free and filling meals. Admittedly, it was often dreadfully synthetic, but it tasted better than anything I got from the cafeteria back at school. The vitamin rich jello was especially a delight, I wonder where they get this stuff.
Honestly, hospital life is not bad once you get use to it, or at least, not expect much from it. In many ways we're all just a bunch of broken tools in an assembly line waiting for maintenance. Except tools don't shit, piss, or pout. Best thing we can do for ourselves and the doctors is not make their jobs harder by having to handle their patients poor attitude.
Currently, with the help of a nurse, I am packing my duffel bag with all my clothing and school items. The Nurses were nice enough to give me a plain white T-shirt, because all I had at the moment was unwashed gym clothing and my jacket.
While sitting at the receptionist’s office, I quickly go through my wallet, counting money hoping that I have enough for a train ticket.
I was scheduled to leave this afternoon, and I have not received word from the school or any of the administrators concerning my hospital fees, nor for my transportation back to Yamaku.
I got a get well card from the track-team, which was nice, but it is not as urgent.
Strangely, I got a visit from a distant relative whom I haven’t seen in a decade. However, the visit was a formality more than anything, a Cousin of some sort apparently. She owned or worked at a bakery in the area, and came by to drop off a cake, which I shared with the hospital staff. I scored a lot of brownie points from that, especially from the receptionist.
Luckily this proved to be helpful, since one of the receptionists is currently helping me find transportation during her time off.
“Do you want me to call the shuttle for you? He can drop you off at the train station free of charge”.
The receptionist picks up the phone with her finger hovering above the buttons. Before I can answer, a hand on shoulder interrupts my spiel.
“Actually, there is no need for that, I got this covered”
I turn to look over at the familiar voice. It is the nurse, smiling brightly as usual.
“Hey there Haruhiko, how are you feeling?”
I cough in surprise before responding with “Just fine”.
“Good, good. Sorry I was late, I was finishing up some paperwork, and the drive here was longer than expected.” He somehow manages to pull a bigger grin, before coming down to a half frown.
“Why we’re going to the train station, you didn’t know I was coming, didn’t you?”
“Not exactly, no”
He exhales in frustration, before smiling again.
“Well, I’m sorry about that, my message must have been lost somewhere. Next time, don’t worry about finding your way back, we will always send someone to pick you up.”
“Yeah, Sorry” I respond.
Satisfied, he helps me up, hands me my crutches, and leads me into the hallway.
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The drive back to Yamaku was indeed longer than one might expect.
It took three hours alone for us to drive through the Miyagi prefecture, and I have no Idea how far we are in Iwate, or how far we are from Yamaku. I’m looking at the GPS and none of the small towns we drove by seemed familiar. If I had to guess, we still have an hour or two to go.
Throughout the entire trip we had small chat, but it was impossible to sustain it without me dozing off. Music was played as background noise rather than for leisure.
I think back for a moment about my hospital trip.
It was all so robotic and routine, I kinda just took things how they were.
Yes, I am not happy about having to go to a hospital, but I really did not have a say in the matter. Regardless of whether I was in track or not, I would have been admitted one way or another. Hospitals have always been a part of my life, but I’ve actively rejected that. When I was younger, I would insist on leaving as soon as possible, going against doctors’ orders in a strange attempt to spite the disease.
At what point have I lost this avidity to resist fate?
I am reminded about something someone told me a long time ago. “Treatments creates hope, not cures”
Hemophilia is incurable, there was no hope to be had in the first place. In this case treatment is merely maintenance. The prolongation of the inevitable.
I look to the left to observe the scenery rapidly passing before me.
Life, for me, has become like this car ride. I know where I started, and I know where it ends, and all I can do is simply observe what is going on in the middle. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.
“Hey, Haruhiko, you awake bud?” The nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.
“Hm?”
He is not wearing his typical smile, he probably has something serious to say.
“The neurologist told me, from apart your knee injury, you suffered concussion as well,”
I wonder why it took him so long to mention this, but it suddenly occurred to me that he probably felt like this was a sensitive subject for me, which could explain the slight nervousness in his voice.
“I am fully aware that you are mindful of how dangerous concussion are for someone with Hemophilia, but I think you should take this situation seriously, and quit the Track n Field club for a while, in fact I am going to extend the Doctors ban from six months, to the rest of the school year.”
The entire year?
“I am sorry, what!?”
“We got quite the scare once we heard about your injury, even more so since you lost consciousness. Apart from what the Doctors say, it is difficult to measure the true gravity of a concussion until we observe the post injury symptoms. Until we know for certain that you are fine, we will have to keep you from at least competing.”
For a moment, my ego urged me to resist and argue, but thinking it over logically, there is no reason for me to resist, no matter how I look at it he is in the right. mealy respond with the usual, “I understand”
Admittedly, I was relieved he said this. I’ve been in denial about my ability to continue competing from the very beginning of my Track career, struggling through occasional bleeds and injuries, wondering weather or not I should compete, when to take the appropriate medicine or therapy. This puts things to rest for me. I’ve joined track more for its health benefits than for the glory after all.
Hemophilia has a bizarre catch-22 attached to it; work out too much and you’ll bleed your joints and muscles to death, don’t work out at all and your body will be weaker, and you’ll bleed easier.
Which brings up the question, what am I going to do for the rest of the school year?
“Can I still work out? Or join another club?”
The nurse nods, “Yeah, but wait until I give you the green light, unless you are going to join the flower arranging club, but I’d doubt you can walk up the greenhouse stairs with the state your knee is in”.
He smiles wildly again, “Maybe you will have time to find a new girlfriend”
By the time we got to Yamaku it was late in the evening and the sun was reduced to a patch of dark purple, quickly disappearing into black. Sadly today is the end of summer break, and classes start again tomorrow, so I have no time to relax or socialize.
The Nurse, before leaving, send me to the weekend and night shift nurse, in which she quickly went through the general checkup so that I can finally get to my room quickly.
Luckily we got to have a hot meal on the way here, so I did not have to face my empty fridge with an empty stomach.
I get into my room after some struggling with my crutches. After a few minutes of use, my armpits become strained under my weight, and the momentum of me swinging my body gives me a headache.
I live in room 301, on the third floor, but thankfully the dorms are equipped with elevators.
Upon entering my room I Immediately flop down on the bed and just laid there for a while.
It feels nice to be back, it felt like I’ve been gone for months. In truth, it really does look like I’ve been gone for months, everything in the room is coated by a thin layer of dust. My room has always been somewhat messy, but this messiness is due to the general absence of activity rather than negligence.
For the entire month of summer break, the track team and I traveled around the neighboring provinces competing. It was a month of surfing between hotel beds and car seats for sleep. Nothing really brings out the comfort of sleeping like your own bed.
Maybe some of the pills have been messing with me because despite feeling exhausted I can't sleep. Also, I'm starting to see faces on the painting patterns on my ceiling.
I guess I should let people know I’m back.
I reach for the laptop sitting on top of the desk. It was freezing, not really sure if that is a good thing or not, but it felt unnatural.
I go through the unread emails, mostly spam with the occasional ‘how are you?’ message.
The first person who messaged me was the captain. It says, 'good work, blah, blah, blah, I hope you feel better' but nothing about who won the tournament.
This is bugging the hell out of me.
I respond to his email, and to Ikuno with a simple “I’m back” message, and put the laptop back on the desk. Opening my duffel bag,I arrange my clohing in the the "laundry pile" and pick up a manga off the ground to read, but before I get the chance to open it, I was cut short by a knock on the door.
“Come in, it’s open” I holler.
The door opens and in comes Ikuno Komaki, her hair braided into a ponytail, and wearing sky blue and pink pajamas dotted with cartoon owls.
“Heyyyy, um….. I got your email” she chimes softly.
I literally just sent it two minutes ago. I should ask her about that.
“You’re breathing kind of heavily, did you run over here?”
“ah” Ikuno freezes in place and hides her face “Ah, well…. I mean, it was cold and dark, so….I ran here”
Ikuno has a raspy, warm, and feminine voice that is somewhat pleasing to hear, so it is hard not to tease her.
I sit up struggling trying not to bend my right knee too much.
“Yeah yeah yeah, did the doctor call you?”
“Uh, yes” Ikuno makes her way slowly to my desk and sits on the chair, and causally plays with the end of her ponytail.
“He said you got hurt”
“Yeah, I tripped during the track meet”
Her Prussian blue eyes trace from the knee brace, up to the bandage wrapped around my head, and puffs her cheeks into a frown.
“Haruhiko, you need to be careful”
“I’ll take care next time”
There won’t be a next time, not for a long time at least.
“Does it hurt?”
“What?”
“Your….head, and leg”
“Not really”
Ikuno reaches out and touches the side of my head, brushing up some of my hair away from the bandage.
“Ow”
I instinctually recoil from the sudden burst of pain.
“You liar.”
Ikuno seems really upset about this, droplets start to form from the corner of her eyes, and she quickly moves her sleeve up to wipe them away.
“I’m really mad you know….you never called……I did not know in what condition you were in, or how should I react” she said while choking back a sob.
I’ve known Ikuno for a long time, way before Yamaku, so I guess it would natural that she would have a sense of responsibility for me. Keeping her in the dark was a bad choice.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to make it seem like a big deal”
Hearing this only made her eyes water more, she again buries her eyes into her sleeve.
“I’m a big girl Kiko, you can tell me anything” she reaches for a tissue from the desk, and sniffles.
“Kiko” is a nickname given to me when I was really young, I hardly hear her use it anymore, but when I do hear it, there is usually a strong emotion behind it.
I am here sitting still and feeling rueful, watching this girl quietly sob.
“Look how awful you look, how long are you going in that cast for?”
“It is a brace, not a cast. I’ll probably only need it for a few weeks,” I reply
I don’t judge her for mistaking the brace for a cast. It is a heavy duty brace, covering from the ankle up to the thigh, and a metallic joint were the knee bends. It really magnifies the severity of the injury, but it is more of a precautionary idem than a necessity. The swelling is finally gone, but it is best for me to wear it until the Nurse says so.
I continue “I had stiches, they probably won’t come out until Friday. Other than that, I’m good as new. ”
Ikuno nods quietly, eyes turned to light shade of pink.
“Thank goodness. I’m going to make us some tea” She mutters quietly as she gets up from the chair and heads over to the sink.
My room is one of the wheelchair accessible rooms, therefore it is larger than the normal rooms. Along with a wider door and lower bed, I get my own refrigerator and sink. I need it for the fridge more than anything, since that is where my medicine is stored. But also there is always a possibility that I would need a wheelchair or a wider door, like now.
On the counter near the sink, I have a mini camping propane stove, and a hot plate plugged in, so it is kind of like having a mini kitchen.
Ikuno is humming quietly as she sets the kettle on the hotplate, and starts looking for the tea in the counter underneath. I observe her quietly, and make take notice from something unusual.
“Hey, your pajamas pants and top don’t match, do you have two of the same but in a different color?”
Her head pops out of the counter with her holding a tea set. “No, I actually have four sets, all in different colors. Aren’t they cute~~ ”
“Four!?”
“Yes, they had four colors, green, blue, pink, and yellow, don’t you remember? We were shopping together when I got them”
Last time we went shopping for clothing was months ago.
“You bought all colors?”
“Yes…I love owls” she retorts.
The tea kettle starts to whistle, and she hops over to it to pour the hot water into the cups.
When she was finished, she walks over and hands me a cup carefully. Seems like it is Russian red tea.
“Were you able to do your shopping?” I asked the question as she was sipping. She nodded her head and swallowed carefully.
“Yes,Takashi and Molly helped me”
Aw jeez.
Ikuno and I have a deal where I would help her carry her groceries from the city, where they have the healthier and "sugar free" expensive stuff for her diabetes, and in return she would do my laundry and clean my room. I wonder how she was able to manage, with me being unable to hold my end of the bargain these past few weeks.
“Did Takashi do anything weird?”
“No, but he was a little rude at times, he he~”
Takashi is a guy I talk to once in a while during lunch.
We are both unpopular in a sense, so we naturally gravitated towards each other like all loners do. Takashi has gathered a reputation of speaking his mind bashfully and being slightly untactful. All in all, he really isn’t a bad guy, but easily misunderstood, even to the most patient of people like Ikuno.
Molly Kapur seems to be the only person who would frequently defend him. She says that Takashi reminds her of her father, but I wouldn’t know. They never really hang out with each other much, but there is no real friction going on when they do. Which says alot if you’ve met Takashi.
“Sorry about that, I’ll go with you next time”
“Noooo, its fine. It will be hard for you to carry food while you have that on” Ikuno says while pointing her eyes towards my brace.
“Besides, Takashi and Molly are really fun and nice~!”
This girl. Hard to imagine that she was crying just a minute ago. She can be too forgiving at times, which worries me, Takashi could take advantage of her naiveté.
“Alright, as long as Molly is around”
“Okay~~”
I take a long sip from my tea and enjoy its aroma. Which reminds me of something.
I reach into my duffel bag and pull out a green can.
“Here, I got you this while I was in Sendai”
Her eyes light up and quickly swipes it from my hand.
“Is this Zunda!?” she yells “Yaaayy I love Zunda! Thank you~”
She holds it in a way that almost looks like hugging, which makes me chuckle a little.
The rest of the evening continues to hold this gentle atmosphere. And for the first time in two weeks, I was able to sleep in a familiar room.
A droplet of sweat from my brow follows path to the bridge of my nose, and drops down to sizzle on the asphalt of the track.
The track carried a dense smell of burnt rubber, a queer contrast to the smell of sweets and fried food coming from the stalls near the track
“Go Captain!” “Hurry!”
Cries and applause from the crowd as the third leg of the relay receives the baton.
Ahead at first seems to be Junten High School, wearing black and electric blue, followed by Koiwa High in second wearing gold and burnt red.
Without turning my head, my eyes dart towards my opponents standing near me. They all seem to be in their own determined trance, focused on the first few meters of asphalt ahead of them.
Third comes in the Captain of Yamaku high, wearing white and forest green. The Captains pace is increasing, but his running form is making it obvious that there is discomfort. I grit my teeth in anticipation, mentally prepare myself for any unfortunate accidents that fate might bestow upon the team. Every step that the captain takes, I feel my heart drum faster and sink deeper into my stomach.
To calm myself, I start my breathing exercise. Breath in….1…..2….3….and out. I repeat this until the roars of cheers grow louder, and anchor of Junten high starts blaring off. Not soon after Koiwa’s fourth leg takes off, but there was a struggle while the baton was being passed, wasting a precious few seconds.
I’m forced to throw myself from my relaxed state and refocus. The Captain’s figure grows larger, until he is close enough for me to see him mouth the words “Go”.
I start making my run and extend my left arm back while gluing my gaze on the baton, upon its touch, I grip it and take off full speed.
“Go Haruhiko! I’m counting on you!”
I sprint, making sure to keep focus on my muscle movement and foot placement. The crowd and the world around me suddenly become silent, I hear nothing but the consistent tapping of my feet against the asphalt.
Taptaptaptaptaptaptap….
Suddenly; “Go Go GOOO!!!!!”
Screams and cries from rival and fellow students’ alike increase three-fold as I reach the final 50 meters.
I turn my head slightly to the left to see that I have just past Kiowa high and slowly catching up to Junten.
My muscles twitch in excitement, my breath feels cooler and heavier, and a burst of adrenaline pours into my veins.
20 meters left, I run parallel to Junten. I hear the runner’s heave and hackle, in contrast to my smooth wheezing. He had the height advantage, taking long and powerful strides, but I have the solid stamina. We are both running at our maximum; I cannot force any more out of my legs even if I could, and if my opponent were to turn any redder, Yamaku would expect to receive a new student.
Final few meters I throw in all my effort for a last Hail Mary,
We finally reach the line.
“Winner!!!!......”
I try to listen for the announcement, but my focus was interrupted by a snapping sensation in my right knee, followed by a blinding pain.
Upon trying to listen, I unconsciously halted in place instead of slowing down in a steady pace. Doing that was like slamming the breaks on a fully loaded dump truck, while going full speed downhill.
I feel my knee loose its elasticity; I try to fall on my side but the momentum and lack of reaction time forced me to land on my cheekbone.
“Ughhh *cough* AAHggghnnnnn”
My groans are drowned out by the voices and music coming from the crowd. A pulsating pain from my knee and stinging of the road-rash reminds me of the unfairness of the situation.
I try my best to get up, my right legs lays lifeless and unresponsive, and my vision begins to turn cloudy.
“Hey Haruhiko, you alright?”
I try to answer, but I find myself flopping down on myside on fetal, slowly watching the scenery in front me fade into black.
“Hey!!! Someone call the nurse!!!”
I lay my head on its side on the hot asphalt. Slowly, a familiar warm wetness envelopes the side of my face bringing me to a startling realization.
My head is bleeding.
Tired, in pain, and exhausted, I let the darkness take me, almost as if welcoming it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometime between two or three o’clock in the morning I woke up to the maddening repetition of an IV beeping. I was able to tell time in an almost instinctual movement. Clocks in hospitals almost always hung above the doors, but because of how dark it is, and the angle I am laying, it was difficult for me to pinpoint what hour hand was pointing were.
God damn it
I think that to myself almost out loud. As much as I would like to say I was surprised about the outcome; I’m not. Considering the fact that my body is already handicapped, and injuries in sports are bound to land you in the hospital already, I should consider myself lucky that there is still an unfamiliarity with all of this.
Speaking of the race, I never found out who won. For whatever reason, this fact has made me more anxious than the fact I am covered in bandages and hooked up on to an IV.
Regardless of who won, it was supposed to be a fun event. It was supposed to test and remind me of my potentials rather than my faults.
It’s not been long since my last hospital visit, in fact I would say that they are quite routine. But most of these visits mostly centered on blood transfusions and physical theory. I cannot remember the last time I was immobilized this badly.
Currently, I am laying back with my right leg in a hoisted position, and my head wrapped in an uncomfortably thick bandage.
To make matters worse, I am extremely thirsty, and upon smacking my lips hoping to hydrate them, I discover that the entirety of the left side of my face is swollen.
It explains the limited vision of my left eye, now becoming annoyingly obvious.
I look around and pat my sides looking for a call button or controller, but to no avail. In fact, these hospital beds are way too old fashioned for them to have such a luxury. They have a crib-like metal railings on the sides, and the upper half can only be moved manually. This is all too primitive, even to Yamaku’s standards.
Now…normally whenever I wake up in a hospital, there had always been medical staff at arm’s length. It is night time now, so I am not entirely sure it would be appropriate for me to start yelling. Going back to sleep is an option, but I do not know how long I’ve been out. For all I know, I could have just awoken from a two week coma and going to back to sleep could worsen my condition.
Looks like the alternative is a better option.
“Hello!??”
No answer, I’ll try it harder
“HELLOOOO!!? Ah!”
Yelling hurts my face a lot.
I continued yelling between few second intervals, and getting thirstier by the minute.
In the middle of possibly my loudest scream, someone opens the door hastily
“Yes!? What’s the matter!?”
Even in the darkness I could tell the nurse was of a younger, possibly just a few years older than me.
Slightly embarrassed I cough to clear my throat.
“I, I just woke up, where am I?”
Without answering she flips the switch on. The sudden brightness causes me to shut my eyes until they adjust.
“You are in Keiko University hospital, please sit still while I look at your records.”
She picks up a clipboard from the edge of the bed and flips between the first two pages. Judging from the lack of concern on her face, it is safe to assume that I won’t be slipping in a coma any time soon.
She finally looks up at me, biting the nail on her thump and asks, “You have Hemophilia?”
I nod, as I do, she power walks over to the IV and pushes some buttons on the machine.
“You suffered a concussion and had to get a staple on a cut on your head, we currently have you have on you on a heavier dosage of prophylaxis and Clotting factor, and we are monitoring for any potential increase of the swelling”.
“W-what? My face is kind of swollen, but my head feels fine.”
“Those are the painkillers, for when you dislocated your knee, the swelling for that should stop soon however”
I take a quick glance at the hoisted up leg. I do recall my knee being hurt, but I never imagined that I would of dislocated it.
If I could frown, I would, if it didn't hurt so much.
She marks some things off the clipboard and looks back up at me.
“At what time did you wake up?”
I pause for a moment to calculate, “Around five minutes before I called” I confidently utter.
“Ok” she scribbles some more on the clipboard “I’m going to get the doctor, he will be here shortly.”
“Wait, can I get some wat……”
She leaves the room quickly without hearing me, giving an almost professional and determined air about her.
A few minutes pass, and a slouching and messy young man, perhaps late twenties, wearing some band t-shirt and beige cargo shorts, enters the room.
Is this the Doctor? Whoever he is, he currently holding the clipboard the nurse had earlier, but this guy seems more like the living-in-the-basement neet than a medical professional.
“Hey Guy finally awake I see, I’m Doctor Yamamoto of Neurology”
“Ugh…..hi”
The Doctor returns my confused look with one of his own, followed by a smile and amused chuckle.
“Forgive the attire, it is graveyard shift, haven’t had my coffee, and the scrubs are in the laundry,He looks around to check for any eavesdroppers
“at least that’s what the nurses’ think”
The nurse said that this was a university hospital right? That explains a lot. I choose not to comment however, and obey diligently while the Doctor puts on latex gloves and fumbles through the usual mundane medical routine.
“Follow my pen with your eyes please,”
…………..
“Good…….Now what is your phone number and most recent address….”
…………………
The routine ends without accomplishing anything.
“Ok Mister Suzumiya, normally I would prescribe you some mild pain killers, lots of sleep, then permission to leave, however, your condition complicates things. Your concussion is moderate, but I will like to keep you under observation for next week in case you get a spontaneous head bleed.”
I suppose that the doctor expected some protest, because he frowns at me nodding and saying “I understand”.
He continues. “Well, on the bright side, the swelling on your knee has responded well to the treatment, but I think you should not put any pressure on it for the next month, and no serious exercise for at least six months. I have contacted the number in the guardians list, which seems to be the Nurse at your school, is there anyone else I should call to let them know you’re ok?”
I sat musing for a moment.
"No, not really" I respond
.
And like that, my second season was over for me, and potentially my short lived Track and Field career. I already knew that the moment I woke up here, but hearing it officially from a third party kind of stings. I do nothing but continue to utter the same words “I understand”.
These words have become a mantra for me. It serves as a self-diluted way to signal myself and others that I have already gone through the grieving process. Not that this is anything worth grieving about, but it certainly makes me feel sorry for myself. Indulging in that feeling is something I’ve become way too accustomed to.
“I scheduled you for a CT scan for the next hour, so I will need you to stay awake for that, so chin up bud"
As he reaches for the door, he turns to ask “Is there anything you need?”
I thought he would never ask.
“Water please”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The week passed along with the rest of summer break, and it is time for me to leave the hospital.
I spent my summer break confound to a bed, finishing the summer break homework, and passing the time either sleeping or reading. The recovery room had a television, but it was occupied by older women, watching ceaselessly the unlimited number of cheesy dramas on the local TV stations. Occasionally I would watch an episode with them to see how long I would last, before dozing off or opening a book.
The only benefit I obtained from this, was having a consistent influx of free and filling meals. Admittedly, it was often dreadfully synthetic, but it tasted better than anything I got from the cafeteria back at school. The vitamin rich jello was especially a delight, I wonder where they get this stuff.
Honestly, hospital life is not bad once you get use to it, or at least, not expect much from it. In many ways we're all just a bunch of broken tools in an assembly line waiting for maintenance. Except tools don't shit, piss, or pout. Best thing we can do for ourselves and the doctors is not make their jobs harder by having to handle their patients poor attitude.
Currently, with the help of a nurse, I am packing my duffel bag with all my clothing and school items. The Nurses were nice enough to give me a plain white T-shirt, because all I had at the moment was unwashed gym clothing and my jacket.
While sitting at the receptionist’s office, I quickly go through my wallet, counting money hoping that I have enough for a train ticket.
I was scheduled to leave this afternoon, and I have not received word from the school or any of the administrators concerning my hospital fees, nor for my transportation back to Yamaku.
I got a get well card from the track-team, which was nice, but it is not as urgent.
Strangely, I got a visit from a distant relative whom I haven’t seen in a decade. However, the visit was a formality more than anything, a Cousin of some sort apparently. She owned or worked at a bakery in the area, and came by to drop off a cake, which I shared with the hospital staff. I scored a lot of brownie points from that, especially from the receptionist.
Luckily this proved to be helpful, since one of the receptionists is currently helping me find transportation during her time off.
“Do you want me to call the shuttle for you? He can drop you off at the train station free of charge”.
The receptionist picks up the phone with her finger hovering above the buttons. Before I can answer, a hand on shoulder interrupts my spiel.
“Actually, there is no need for that, I got this covered”
I turn to look over at the familiar voice. It is the nurse, smiling brightly as usual.
“Hey there Haruhiko, how are you feeling?”
I cough in surprise before responding with “Just fine”.
“Good, good. Sorry I was late, I was finishing up some paperwork, and the drive here was longer than expected.” He somehow manages to pull a bigger grin, before coming down to a half frown.
“Why we’re going to the train station, you didn’t know I was coming, didn’t you?”
“Not exactly, no”
He exhales in frustration, before smiling again.
“Well, I’m sorry about that, my message must have been lost somewhere. Next time, don’t worry about finding your way back, we will always send someone to pick you up.”
“Yeah, Sorry” I respond.
Satisfied, he helps me up, hands me my crutches, and leads me into the hallway.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The drive back to Yamaku was indeed longer than one might expect.
It took three hours alone for us to drive through the Miyagi prefecture, and I have no Idea how far we are in Iwate, or how far we are from Yamaku. I’m looking at the GPS and none of the small towns we drove by seemed familiar. If I had to guess, we still have an hour or two to go.
Throughout the entire trip we had small chat, but it was impossible to sustain it without me dozing off. Music was played as background noise rather than for leisure.
I think back for a moment about my hospital trip.
It was all so robotic and routine, I kinda just took things how they were.
Yes, I am not happy about having to go to a hospital, but I really did not have a say in the matter. Regardless of whether I was in track or not, I would have been admitted one way or another. Hospitals have always been a part of my life, but I’ve actively rejected that. When I was younger, I would insist on leaving as soon as possible, going against doctors’ orders in a strange attempt to spite the disease.
At what point have I lost this avidity to resist fate?
I am reminded about something someone told me a long time ago. “Treatments creates hope, not cures”
Hemophilia is incurable, there was no hope to be had in the first place. In this case treatment is merely maintenance. The prolongation of the inevitable.
I look to the left to observe the scenery rapidly passing before me.
Life, for me, has become like this car ride. I know where I started, and I know where it ends, and all I can do is simply observe what is going on in the middle. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.
“Hey, Haruhiko, you awake bud?” The nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.
“Hm?”
He is not wearing his typical smile, he probably has something serious to say.
“The neurologist told me, from apart your knee injury, you suffered concussion as well,”
I wonder why it took him so long to mention this, but it suddenly occurred to me that he probably felt like this was a sensitive subject for me, which could explain the slight nervousness in his voice.
“I am fully aware that you are mindful of how dangerous concussion are for someone with Hemophilia, but I think you should take this situation seriously, and quit the Track n Field club for a while, in fact I am going to extend the Doctors ban from six months, to the rest of the school year.”
The entire year?
“I am sorry, what!?”
“We got quite the scare once we heard about your injury, even more so since you lost consciousness. Apart from what the Doctors say, it is difficult to measure the true gravity of a concussion until we observe the post injury symptoms. Until we know for certain that you are fine, we will have to keep you from at least competing.”
For a moment, my ego urged me to resist and argue, but thinking it over logically, there is no reason for me to resist, no matter how I look at it he is in the right. mealy respond with the usual, “I understand”
Admittedly, I was relieved he said this. I’ve been in denial about my ability to continue competing from the very beginning of my Track career, struggling through occasional bleeds and injuries, wondering weather or not I should compete, when to take the appropriate medicine or therapy. This puts things to rest for me. I’ve joined track more for its health benefits than for the glory after all.
Hemophilia has a bizarre catch-22 attached to it; work out too much and you’ll bleed your joints and muscles to death, don’t work out at all and your body will be weaker, and you’ll bleed easier.
Which brings up the question, what am I going to do for the rest of the school year?
“Can I still work out? Or join another club?”
The nurse nods, “Yeah, but wait until I give you the green light, unless you are going to join the flower arranging club, but I’d doubt you can walk up the greenhouse stairs with the state your knee is in”.
He smiles wildly again, “Maybe you will have time to find a new girlfriend”
By the time we got to Yamaku it was late in the evening and the sun was reduced to a patch of dark purple, quickly disappearing into black. Sadly today is the end of summer break, and classes start again tomorrow, so I have no time to relax or socialize.
The Nurse, before leaving, send me to the weekend and night shift nurse, in which she quickly went through the general checkup so that I can finally get to my room quickly.
Luckily we got to have a hot meal on the way here, so I did not have to face my empty fridge with an empty stomach.
I get into my room after some struggling with my crutches. After a few minutes of use, my armpits become strained under my weight, and the momentum of me swinging my body gives me a headache.
I live in room 301, on the third floor, but thankfully the dorms are equipped with elevators.
Upon entering my room I Immediately flop down on the bed and just laid there for a while.
It feels nice to be back, it felt like I’ve been gone for months. In truth, it really does look like I’ve been gone for months, everything in the room is coated by a thin layer of dust. My room has always been somewhat messy, but this messiness is due to the general absence of activity rather than negligence.
For the entire month of summer break, the track team and I traveled around the neighboring provinces competing. It was a month of surfing between hotel beds and car seats for sleep. Nothing really brings out the comfort of sleeping like your own bed.
Maybe some of the pills have been messing with me because despite feeling exhausted I can't sleep. Also, I'm starting to see faces on the painting patterns on my ceiling.
I guess I should let people know I’m back.
I reach for the laptop sitting on top of the desk. It was freezing, not really sure if that is a good thing or not, but it felt unnatural.
I go through the unread emails, mostly spam with the occasional ‘how are you?’ message.
The first person who messaged me was the captain. It says, 'good work, blah, blah, blah, I hope you feel better' but nothing about who won the tournament.
This is bugging the hell out of me.
I respond to his email, and to Ikuno with a simple “I’m back” message, and put the laptop back on the desk. Opening my duffel bag,I arrange my clohing in the the "laundry pile" and pick up a manga off the ground to read, but before I get the chance to open it, I was cut short by a knock on the door.
“Come in, it’s open” I holler.
The door opens and in comes Ikuno Komaki, her hair braided into a ponytail, and wearing sky blue and pink pajamas dotted with cartoon owls.
“Heyyyy, um….. I got your email” she chimes softly.
I literally just sent it two minutes ago. I should ask her about that.
“You’re breathing kind of heavily, did you run over here?”
“ah” Ikuno freezes in place and hides her face “Ah, well…. I mean, it was cold and dark, so….I ran here”
Ikuno has a raspy, warm, and feminine voice that is somewhat pleasing to hear, so it is hard not to tease her.
I sit up struggling trying not to bend my right knee too much.
“Yeah yeah yeah, did the doctor call you?”
“Uh, yes” Ikuno makes her way slowly to my desk and sits on the chair, and causally plays with the end of her ponytail.
“He said you got hurt”
“Yeah, I tripped during the track meet”
Her Prussian blue eyes trace from the knee brace, up to the bandage wrapped around my head, and puffs her cheeks into a frown.
“Haruhiko, you need to be careful”
“I’ll take care next time”
There won’t be a next time, not for a long time at least.
“Does it hurt?”
“What?”
“Your….head, and leg”
“Not really”
Ikuno reaches out and touches the side of my head, brushing up some of my hair away from the bandage.
“Ow”
I instinctually recoil from the sudden burst of pain.
“You liar.”
Ikuno seems really upset about this, droplets start to form from the corner of her eyes, and she quickly moves her sleeve up to wipe them away.
“I’m really mad you know….you never called……I did not know in what condition you were in, or how should I react” she said while choking back a sob.
I’ve known Ikuno for a long time, way before Yamaku, so I guess it would natural that she would have a sense of responsibility for me. Keeping her in the dark was a bad choice.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to make it seem like a big deal”
Hearing this only made her eyes water more, she again buries her eyes into her sleeve.
“I’m a big girl Kiko, you can tell me anything” she reaches for a tissue from the desk, and sniffles.
“Kiko” is a nickname given to me when I was really young, I hardly hear her use it anymore, but when I do hear it, there is usually a strong emotion behind it.
I am here sitting still and feeling rueful, watching this girl quietly sob.
“Look how awful you look, how long are you going in that cast for?”
“It is a brace, not a cast. I’ll probably only need it for a few weeks,” I reply
I don’t judge her for mistaking the brace for a cast. It is a heavy duty brace, covering from the ankle up to the thigh, and a metallic joint were the knee bends. It really magnifies the severity of the injury, but it is more of a precautionary idem than a necessity. The swelling is finally gone, but it is best for me to wear it until the Nurse says so.
I continue “I had stiches, they probably won’t come out until Friday. Other than that, I’m good as new. ”
Ikuno nods quietly, eyes turned to light shade of pink.
“Thank goodness. I’m going to make us some tea” She mutters quietly as she gets up from the chair and heads over to the sink.
My room is one of the wheelchair accessible rooms, therefore it is larger than the normal rooms. Along with a wider door and lower bed, I get my own refrigerator and sink. I need it for the fridge more than anything, since that is where my medicine is stored. But also there is always a possibility that I would need a wheelchair or a wider door, like now.
On the counter near the sink, I have a mini camping propane stove, and a hot plate plugged in, so it is kind of like having a mini kitchen.
Ikuno is humming quietly as she sets the kettle on the hotplate, and starts looking for the tea in the counter underneath. I observe her quietly, and make take notice from something unusual.
“Hey, your pajamas pants and top don’t match, do you have two of the same but in a different color?”
Her head pops out of the counter with her holding a tea set. “No, I actually have four sets, all in different colors. Aren’t they cute~~ ”
“Four!?”
“Yes, they had four colors, green, blue, pink, and yellow, don’t you remember? We were shopping together when I got them”
Last time we went shopping for clothing was months ago.
“You bought all colors?”
“Yes…I love owls” she retorts.
The tea kettle starts to whistle, and she hops over to it to pour the hot water into the cups.
When she was finished, she walks over and hands me a cup carefully. Seems like it is Russian red tea.
“Were you able to do your shopping?” I asked the question as she was sipping. She nodded her head and swallowed carefully.
“Yes,Takashi and Molly helped me”
Aw jeez.
Ikuno and I have a deal where I would help her carry her groceries from the city, where they have the healthier and "sugar free" expensive stuff for her diabetes, and in return she would do my laundry and clean my room. I wonder how she was able to manage, with me being unable to hold my end of the bargain these past few weeks.
“Did Takashi do anything weird?”
“No, but he was a little rude at times, he he~”
Takashi is a guy I talk to once in a while during lunch.
We are both unpopular in a sense, so we naturally gravitated towards each other like all loners do. Takashi has gathered a reputation of speaking his mind bashfully and being slightly untactful. All in all, he really isn’t a bad guy, but easily misunderstood, even to the most patient of people like Ikuno.
Molly Kapur seems to be the only person who would frequently defend him. She says that Takashi reminds her of her father, but I wouldn’t know. They never really hang out with each other much, but there is no real friction going on when they do. Which says alot if you’ve met Takashi.
“Sorry about that, I’ll go with you next time”
“Noooo, its fine. It will be hard for you to carry food while you have that on” Ikuno says while pointing her eyes towards my brace.
“Besides, Takashi and Molly are really fun and nice~!”
This girl. Hard to imagine that she was crying just a minute ago. She can be too forgiving at times, which worries me, Takashi could take advantage of her naiveté.
“Alright, as long as Molly is around”
“Okay~~”
I take a long sip from my tea and enjoy its aroma. Which reminds me of something.
I reach into my duffel bag and pull out a green can.
“Here, I got you this while I was in Sendai”
Her eyes light up and quickly swipes it from my hand.
“Is this Zunda!?” she yells “Yaaayy I love Zunda! Thank you~”
She holds it in a way that almost looks like hugging, which makes me chuckle a little.
The rest of the evening continues to hold this gentle atmosphere. And for the first time in two weeks, I was able to sleep in a familiar room.
Last edited by PurpleCow on Thu Oct 13, 2016 12:20 am, edited 19 times in total.
Re: Prequel KS fanfic - Haruhiko Suzumiya
This is a bit hard to read as it is. Go back to everyplace you hit enter to start a new line and hit enter again. Give some space between lines. Otherwise it blends together.
Not Dead Yet
Re: Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
So, nobody else ever replied after you fixed it. Just posting to say "Fixed would have been nice. I didn't even know myself until I accidentally licked the wrong link.)
Now let me give you my opinion noiw that I can read it.
Or at least
“Hey, Haruhiko.”
The nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.
Which might be closer to what you wanted, but doesn't read as well.
Also, Nurse seems a bit stiff here. He lacks any of his usual playfulness.
Also, I'm not going to point them out, but let me point out an error you made quite a few times. “Let's say you have a character talking.” If this ends the sentence, you need a period inside the quotation marks. “If the sentence continues,” I say, you use a comma.
Lots of small technical errors a a few weird stylistic choices, but all in all, it's not bad so far.
Now let me give you my opinion noiw that I can read it.
I'm not sure if that was a typo or spellcheck got you, but I think you mean Clotting.“You suffered a concussion and had to staple a cut on your head, we currently have you have on you on a heavier dosage of prophylaxis and clothing factor, and we are monitoring for any potential increase of the swelling”.
What is a neet?Whoever he is, he currently holding the clipboard the nurse had earlier, but this guy seems more like the living-in-the-basement neet than a medical professional.
It seems you cut this short, I would have said something like “After a few more questions the routine ends.” (Or if you wanted to give it more personality, Something like “too many questions”, “patronizing questions”, “obviously rehersed questions,” or something to that effect.The routine ends
You hit enter too soon here."No, not really" I respond
.
Clotting factor is something you don't hear very often, and to hear it used twice so soon by different characters makes it stand out more. You might want to change one of the uses.He continues. “Well, on the bright side, is that the swelling on your knee has responded well to the clotting factor,
This might be something you plan on explaining later, but I wouldn't expect him to be bothered with the fees at all. Nor would I expect Yamaku to do so. Granted you mentioned Yamaku as the point of contact, but I'd think his family would be the one to cover it.I was scheduled to leave this afternoon, and I have not received word from the school or any of the administrators concerning my hospital fees, nor for my transportation back to Yamaku.
“Hey, Haruhiko,” the nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.“Hey Haruhiko”
The nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.
Or at least
“Hey, Haruhiko.”
The nurse calls out my name suddenly after a few minutes of deafening silence.
Which might be closer to what you wanted, but doesn't read as well.
Also, Nurse seems a bit stiff here. He lacks any of his usual playfulness.
Extra EnterThis is
bugging the hell out of me.
Also, I'm not going to point them out, but let me point out an error you made quite a few times. “Let's say you have a character talking.” If this ends the sentence, you need a period inside the quotation marks. “If the sentence continues,” I say, you use a comma.
Clotting factor again, and to make it stand out more, you specifically refereed to medicine AND Clotting factor. You could have just said medicine.My room is one of the wheelchair accessible rooms, therefore it is larger than the normal rooms. Along with a wider door and lower bed, I get my own refrigerator and sink. I need it for the fridge more than anything, since that is where my medicine and clotting factor is stored.
Lots of small technical errors a a few weird stylistic choices, but all in all, it's not bad so far.
Not Dead Yet
Re: Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
Thank you for the corrections and the reply,
I feel a little red-faced right now, seeing that a lot of these mistakes are silly and almost unforgivable. To be honest, I never gave it the attention it needed; thus I blindly hit enter on every other sentence. In future posts I will probably take more time on the proof reading and editing.
It has been a very eventful few months for me, which is why I have not updated in so long. In six months I've moved to three different countries, in three different continents, so naturally my project would be sidelined. Luckily for me, my job finally allowed me to settle in the U.S so my English skills have increased ten fold since my last post.
I've not given up on the project yet, I just started to find some extra time to finish this, so expect an update or two in the following week or so.
cheers,
PC.
I feel a little red-faced right now, seeing that a lot of these mistakes are silly and almost unforgivable. To be honest, I never gave it the attention it needed; thus I blindly hit enter on every other sentence. In future posts I will probably take more time on the proof reading and editing.
It has been a very eventful few months for me, which is why I have not updated in so long. In six months I've moved to three different countries, in three different continents, so naturally my project would be sidelined. Luckily for me, my job finally allowed me to settle in the U.S so my English skills have increased ten fold since my last post.
I've not given up on the project yet, I just started to find some extra time to finish this, so expect an update or two in the following week or so.
cheers,
PC.
Last edited by PurpleCow on Sun Oct 02, 2016 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6148
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
I dimly recall seeing this when it was put up, but like Oddball didn't want to read that wall of text. Then I didn't notice when you changed it...
So, first of all some technicalities, since you said this was a language exercise for you.
...
Okay, one more:
Overall your writing style is good, and you did a good impression of the only character we really know from the VN to appear in the story so far.
You als seem to have done your homework on haemophilia, which is a big plus in a story like this.
Haruhiko is a character who hasn't been used much so far, so a story about him will be interesting to read.
So, first of all some technicalities, since you said this was a language exercise for you.
The track carrieds a dense smell of burnt rubber
to see that I have just past passed Kiowa high and am slowly catching up to Junten.
He hads the height advantage
This is all too primitive, even toby Yamaku’s standards.
I could tell the nurse was of a younger, possibly just a few years older than me.
but I never imagined that I would ofhave dislocated it.
he is currently holding the clipboard the nurse had earlier
“at least that’s what the nurses’ think”
Also, why would he be putting on gloves for this?while the Doctors puts on latex gloves
Well, on the bright side, is that the swelling on your knee has responded well to the treatment
Well, that's half of the story so far, and doing this in the forum is a bit complicated. If you want me to look over the rest as well, drop me a PM, and we'll work out something using Google drive.but it certainly makes me feel sorry for myself.
...
Okay, one more:
I had to google that word, since I'd never heard it before, but apparently it means an "inclination not strong enough to lead to action" which doesn't make sense in this sentence.At what point have I lost this velleity to resist fate?
Overall your writing style is good, and you did a good impression of the only character we really know from the VN to appear in the story so far.
You als seem to have done your homework on haemophilia, which is a big plus in a story like this.
Haruhiko is a character who hasn't been used much so far, so a story about him will be interesting to read.
As offered, if you need help with that, drop me a PMIn future posts I will probably take more time on the proof reading and editing.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: Prequel KS- Haruhiko Suzumiya
Thanks Mirage, your help is always welcoming.
I'll answer some of your questions first.
I suppose older and more experienced Doctors will find using gloves in this situation nonessential-since there will be little to no contact with body fluids- but I used it as a way to highlight the atmosphere, and a way to show the Doctors inexperience.
Also it is proper protocol to use gloves in most "check ups" like stated here: http://www.who.int/gpsc/5may/Glove_Use_ ... eaflet.pdf
which is highlighted in the second page
Gloves on
1)Before a sterile procedure
2) When anticipating contact with blood
or another body fluid, regardless of
the existence of sterile conditions and
including contact with non-intact skin
and mucous membrane
3)Contact with a patient (and his/her
immediate surroundings) during
contact precaution
Finally, thanks a lot for your support, and I'm looking forward to whatever we have in store for each other in the future.
I'll answer some of your questions first.
It is common practice, at least in my experience, for Doctors and nurses to use Latex gloves whenever physically interacting with a patient.Also, why would he be putting on gloves for this?
I suppose older and more experienced Doctors will find using gloves in this situation nonessential-since there will be little to no contact with body fluids- but I used it as a way to highlight the atmosphere, and a way to show the Doctors inexperience.
Also it is proper protocol to use gloves in most "check ups" like stated here: http://www.who.int/gpsc/5may/Glove_Use_ ... eaflet.pdf
which is highlighted in the second page
Gloves on
1)Before a sterile procedure
2) When anticipating contact with blood
or another body fluid, regardless of
the existence of sterile conditions and
including contact with non-intact skin
and mucous membrane
3)Contact with a patient (and his/her
immediate surroundings) during
contact precaution
Funny thing about that is, I did not intend to use that word at all. I have a notepad of synonyms that I wanted to use to avoid redundancy, and when picking one of these words out I somehow picked that one over "avidity" ; which was the word I wanted to use originally. Good catch.I had to google that word, since I'd never heard it before, but apparently it means an "inclination not strong enough to lead to action" which doesn't make sense in this sentence.
Finally, thanks a lot for your support, and I'm looking forward to whatever we have in store for each other in the future.