Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[SilvanaExile]

I'm thinking about joining a social anxiety club but I don't know if I belong there. Nothing feels right.

Social anxiety can be quite the oxymoron: trying to address it requires doing exactly what triggers it... What seems to be the problem, though, my friend? I visit this forum occasionally and, like I said in my only other post (up to this point), I'm more than willing to listen to anyone who needs me to lend an ear.

[WolfWarrior]

I'm thinking about joining a social anxiety club but I don't know if I belong there. Nothing feels right.

Speaking as someone who shares your fears, joining a club is probably one of the worst things you can do, especially if you already don't feel right about it. What really helped me, and is still helping, is to slowly branch out your comfort zone. In particular for me, it was cosplay. The brilliant part about that is that you're not judged by who you are or how you look underneath.
My advice would be to find something you inherently feel comfortable with, and try to expand on that. Try and incorporate it as much as you can into your emotional growth. If that makes sense

Just my 2 yen.

[SilvanaExile]

The above poster's advice is spot-on. Addressing social anxiety is best done as a gradual process. Jumping head-first into a group will likely just alienate you and make the problem worse if the situation does not turn out the way you expected or wanted it to do so.

[kyuuen-zutto]

One my issues is that doing things that I'm comfortable with are directly contributing to my current problems.

I have it great right now, but I'm also reaping the consequences of years and years of bad habits.

I'm technically a millenial (born after 1980 - not that old), and four months ago I suffered a heart attack when my front artery sealed up while I was taking a bike ride on a cold day.

A stent and four months of aggressive medication and I'm recovering to the point where I don't feel like I want to die after walking for 20 minutes, or being on my feet for 8 hours.

But right now, I find out that I'm living in a future that I created to suck. My work hours dropped off after my hospitalization, and even with a second job - I don't get hours lined up. It seems like both of the companies I work for are in perpetual starvation mode even though both companies sell awesome products. (Pizza and race car rides respectively.) I'm underemployed, socially and emotionally underdeveloped, running out of money (basically out of money after upcoming bills) - and I feel like I've already squandered the second chance I'm getting at life. I've lost contact with a friend who extended a massive opportunity to me - he doesn't seem to want to talk to me, messages sent to him are responded to with very short replies.

Even the news that I got a new job was met with a, 'K'. That was the last time I reached out to him.

I've gotten into fights with family, not physical - but I did things I'm not proud of. Guilt.

I've never been in a meaningful relationship. Or ANY relationship. Or a date, and I'm starting to get too old to really be a candidate to be with the age range of girls that I am comfortable with.

I . . just distrust a lot of people who I don't know, I just quickly assume that I don't meet their sky-high standards, or that I'm one of those people falling by the wayside because I'm driving my own life into ruin, or that they just don't really give a shit. This was only reinforced when I had my cardiac incident, where I was lying in the street and everyone passed by. Of course nobody has to stop and help. They really don't, and I expect nothing else.

The time after was the perfect opportunity to restart my life, but all I've managed to do was clean my room a little, talk to a few friends, stagger back into a job that a monkey could do, draw some things that are really terrible and secure a second job that doesn't call me, and stare at a girl at my first job who I asked out already, but ultimately got stiffed.

I went to a writing meetup and.. just felt completely embarrased the whole time I was there. I can barely manage a forum post, and these people are shooting to become professional authors.

I don't know what the fuck anymore, really. I'm so, so far from accomplishing or producing anything WORTH something and I burned up so much time.

Also, I've done cosplay.. it's fun, but I feel creepy and cheap doing it. It's a creepy and cheap costume that isn't really high grade.

[Akagami]

How 'bout that one:

So, if you remember my last post, hooray, i got in my first relationship. With the, for me, perfect girl. Last month has been the best of my entire life, even work has been more fun than ever. We mostly saw each other on weekends, she slept over 3-4 days straight almost every week and we had one laugh after the other. Been outside alot, doing stuff and so on.
But, and here comes the but already, I don't know if it's a good or a bad sign, but whenever she feels down, i feel down as well, and not just a bit. I lose all interest in anything or anyone and only wanna sleep and have the day be over as soon as possible (wich is hard if you have to work for another 6 hours and will be home no earlier than 6 p.m.).
It's a really disgusting feeling down in my stomach, like im about to vomit and cry at the same time.
Now this weekend we were planning on going to a small party, nothing too big, but yesterday, all of a sudden, she said she wants a few days by herself and does not know when we will see each other again. She won't really tell me why but she promised me it had nothing to do with me at all.
Now, my problem is, i don't know what i should think. My brain wants to think that she is thinking about breaking up because that seems like the most logical option, my heart wants to think she just feels down because of family issues or something because it can't be me because i can tell when she is lying, usually. My stomach just wants to stop eating out of anxiety that she might break up. And it wants to vomit out of anxiety that she's feeling worse than she is willing to tell me.

I'm beginning to think that i'm not made for emotions, these things just fuck me up all the time :/

[SilvanaExile]

How 'bout that one:

So, if you remember my last post, hooray, i got in my first relationship. With the, for me, perfect girl. Last month has been the best of my entire life, even work has been more fun than ever. We mostly saw each other on weekends, she slept over 3-4 days straight almost every week and we had one laugh after the other. Been outside alot, doing stuff and so on.
But, and here comes the but already, I don't know if it's a good or a bad sign, but whenever she feels down, i feel down as well, and not just a bit. I lose all interest in anything or anyone and only wanna sleep and have the day be over as soon as possible (wich is hard if you have to work for another 6 hours and will be home no earlier than 6 p.m.).
It's a really disgusting feeling down in my stomach, like im about to vomit and cry at the same time.
Now this weekend we were planning on going to a small party, nothing too big, but yesterday, all of a sudden, she said she wants a few days by herself and does not know when we will see each other again. She won't really tell me why but she promised me it had nothing to do with me at all.
Now, my problem is, i don't know what i should think. My brain wants to think that she is thinking about breaking up because that seems like the most logical option, my heart wants to think she just feels down because of family issues or something because it can't be me because i can tell when she is lying, usually. My stomach just wants to stop eating out of anxiety that she might break up. And it wants to vomit out of anxiety that she's feeling worse than she is willing to tell me.

I'm beginning to think that i'm not made for emotions, these things just fuck me up all the time :/

This is probably gonna be hard to swallow, but you're overthinking things. I've been suffering from this same exact tendency my whole life. And I've only recently started figuring out that many instances of misfortune I'd experienced through the course of my life (especially anything romantically-related) have all been self-fulfilling prophecies -- just me shooting myself in the foot because of my insecurities and misconceptions about other people.

Take it from me, man: just enjoy what you have and stop trying to read your partner's mind. You're gonna drive yourself crazy doing that and the only inevitable result becomes an eventual break up. This is because other people, particularly women/romantic interests, can smell insecurity from a mile away. And that is probably the least attractive quality you could show someone.

Be a positive force in her life. Support her and lift her up whenever she's down. No use wallowing in the depths of despair with her when you could, instead, be turning her day around for the better, right?

If you keep thinking that she's gonna break up with you, then you're already gearing yourself up for something that may not even be in the realm of reality. All that doom and gloom will drain you of energy and run you down. And you'll ultimately do what I've done all my life and unwittingly destroy your happiness with your own hands. She told you that her wish for solitude has nothing to do with you. So give your lady the trust she deserves and drive all your worries away. And if she betrays that trust -- well, let's just say you deserve someone that wouldn't do that to you.

Apologies if this sounded too critical. I understand that most of this is easier said than done. But it's gotta start somewhere, and I'd rather that people didn't have to learn things the hard way like I did. Good luck, sir!

[Charmant]

Ugh, my head...

At long last filed our intent to move out of this apartment. Expected to have some decent timeframe to work with. Sneaky bullshit contract left us until May 31st because fuck-you-technical-garbage - And we get a $500 fee if we're still here.
Which wouldn't be so bad if father hadn't picked now to get infected wounds in his feet. Amidst circulation troubles of an unknown cause. He's got to bandage the wounds, change them at least once per day, go to the hospital daily for the next three weeks to have bits of tissue cut away with a scalpel and antibiotics IV-dripped into a thing in his arm (takes about a half-hour, apparently they're strong enough to eat straight through his veins if they just pump it all in quick). At some point, they're going to schedule a surgical procedure to determine the cause of his circulation issues and hopefully fix it up.

Worse case scenario, they find a blood clot, knock it loose and it goes straight to his heart/brain. Fatal or debilitating attack ensues.
Second-place worse case, they can't fix whatever it is and he loses at least some toes or at worst a leg.
And just to really drive home the bullshit, the car's on its last breaths of life on top of everything which is just great for the lengthy trips back and forth to the hospital that's about two hours away.
Anyway, fuck it, here's a fundraising page we set up. I'm going to bed.

On the brighter side: Once we get all this moving bullshit handled and he's not on the verge of possible amputation or death, I'll be closer to family and I've made plans to travel the country a bit. (Eventually - employment first for a while to raise the funds.)

[wheelman82]

-removed

[Charmant]

I don't want to drag them down with me
I'm already dragging my parents down with me

If they've had depression before, that's not on you.
If they're saddened by what you tell them, that's just empathy.
You're not dragging anyone into anything.

Apathy can be a side effect of stress. And a side effect of depression. There's nothing much for it though except to wait it out or try doing some new thing to jolt yourself out of it. The stress will probably drop after exams, and ideally the apathy will clear alongside it. I'd recommend an exercise routine or meditation. One's good for endorphins (among other things including overall mood), the other for calm.

Risperidone is an antipsychotic. For schizophrenia and bipolar symptoms, generally. And anxiety and irritability are, somewhat counter-productively, both possible side effects. I'm no psychiatrist but I'd say stick with them for a while but don't hesitate to quit if they don't seem to help anything.

[wheelman82]

-removed-

[wheelman82]

-removed-

[ArmedLiberal]

So, it's been almost a year since I last posted. Time really flies! Let's do a general update:

I'm out of the ankle boot. I was running for a month, and my left knee started having issues. That turned into me wearing a brace and walking with a cane. An MRI and a joint injection later, I think I might be ready to start again.

I'm finishing my second to last semester for my BAS this week. Then it's 9 credits in 10 weeks over the summer, and I'm done.

It turns out that the calculation for GPA in the Central Application Service for Physician Assistants (CASPA) is a bit more arcane than I once thought. They don't recognize academic forgiveness, and they don't just take the highest grade earned in a class—they count each and every attempt. They also want one's entire post-secondary career. Because I was previously undiagnosed with ADHD, and I was young and stupid in college, CASPA calculates my GPA to be 1.71 (even though it's been 3.29 since February 2013). I was told I would be wasting my time applying to the UW physician assistant program. So, that's pretty much out the window.

I'm looking at making a move into law enforcement, but I have to get in shape. I've got to be able to run a 1.5 mile course in 16:57, a 300m run in 68 seconds, an Illinois agility run in 19.5 seconds, make a 14-inch vertical jump, do 30 sit-ups, and 23 push-ups. I might also have to be able to bench press 83% of my weight (presently, 205 pounds, and hopefully less as time goes on). I have contacts in municipal and county government, but that may not be enough. The big thing, though, is that this path feels right.

My older stepson had a daughter, and she'll be a year old on Friday. We were going to go see them next weekend, but my commencement is on Saturday. So, we're talking about going at another time in the near future.

My younger stepson starts high school in the fall. Where did five years go?

My wife is having increased issues with MS, and she's filing for SSDI. She has pretty constant muscle tension & pain in her inner gluteals. Baclofen and tizanidine help, but not enough. We're waiting to hear back results from neuropsych testing and an MRI she had on the 4th. I'm concerned that it's going to reveal a conversion to secondary progressive MS.

That's pretty much what's been happening in my life, mina-san.

[YutoTheOrc]

It turns out that the calculation for GPA (CASPA) is a bit more arcane than I once thought. They don't recognize academic forgiveness, and they don't just take the highest grade earned in a class—they count each and every attempt. Because I was previously undiagnosed with ADHD, and I was young and stupid in college, CASPA calculates my GPA to be 1.71 (even though it's been 3.29 since February 2013). I was told I would be wasting my time applying to the UW physician assistant program. So, that's pretty much out the window.

First of all fuck those people who told you that it would be a waste of time, I'd say go for it and try to email them and talk to them about your situation. As cynical as I am about people in this world, as I've gotten older the more forgiving I realised they actually are. I had a similar problem with transferring universities and once I emailed them and announced my problems they were more than willing to help, and for that I'm thankful. Congrats on your 3.29!(What I feel is your true score since you worked for it). I don't know what the situation is for academic legislation and updating all that stuff in America, but it sounds like it definitely needs to be addressed, especially when most of education is figuring out what works for you and what doesn't.

I'm looking at making a move into law enforcement, but I have to get in shape.The big thing, though, is that this path feels right.

If it truly feels right to you, go for it, but try to keep your options open with trying to email the UW PAP. As for the getting shape, it's not as hard as people say, it just commitment and passion, you sound like you have the latter part so that's good!

As for your Stepson's daughter, congratulations! I hope you have an excellent time at her first birthday party and a good time at your commencement on Saturday.

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife(especially with her MS), hopefully modern medicine can do so much as help her try to maintain a good life. One of my best friend's mothers has MS and it's in the early stages and It's not an easy dose to handle for anyone. We can only hope that it doesn't progress and simply stays the same.

Hope everything works out for you buddy, seriously, you sound like you've had a rough go.

[ArmedLiberal]

First of all fuck those people who told you that it would be a waste of time, I'd say go for it and try to email them and talk to them about your situation. As cynical as I am about people in this world, as I've gotten older the more forgiving I realised they actually are. I had a similar problem with transferring universities and once I emailed them and announced my problems they were more than willing to help, and for that I'm thankful. Congrats on your 3.29!(What I feel is your true score since you worked for it). I don't know what the situation is for academic legislation and updating all that stuff in America, but it sounds like it definitely needs to be addressed, especially when most of education is figuring out what works for you and what doesn't.

Well, that's the rub, isn't it? I was speaking to the student status examiner for the program (you know, the person who determines if students are qualified). She was very nice about it, and said that it wasn't really fair to me, but they had 1200 applicants this year (and I don't know how many seats they have in the program, but I imagine it is less than 100). Quite simply, they don't have to care because it is one of the most competitive programs in the state. The university sets its own policy, and as long as it is not discriminatory, it's kosher. Setting a minimum bar for GPA, and then consistently applying it is not discriminatory. I understand they could have special dispensation for unusual cases (such as mine), but they are not required to do so. Yes, I was affected by a learning disability that negatively impacted my grades, but even if they didn't take that into account, I probably wouldn't get in, anyway—she said that to be competitive, I would really need a 3.5 GPA.

Yes, I could try to go to a school out of state, but that would mean leaving my wife to fend for herself and my younger stepson (her son), The divorce agreement between my wife and her ex-husband says that neither parent will move out of the area and retain placement of my stepson without consent of the other parent… and his father is a d-bag. tl;dr They can't move out of the area. We can barely afford to have one household, let alone two. Going out of state is out of the question.

If it truly feels right to you, go for it, but try to keep your options open with trying to email the UW PAP. As for the getting shape, it's not as hard as people say, it just commitment and passion, you sound like you have the latter part so that's good!

As for your Stepson's daughter, congratulations! I hope you have an excellent time at her first birthday party and a good time at your commencement on Saturday.

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife(especially with her MS), hopefully modern medicine can do so much as help her try to maintain a good life. One of my best friend's mothers has MS and it's in the early stages and It's not an easy dose to handle for anyone. We can only hope that it doesn't progress and simply stays the same.

Hope everything works out for you buddy, seriously, you sound like you've had a rough go.

I know that the PA program path is closed to me. I haven't felt so sure that I've been on the right path since when I enlisted in the US Air Force. I've made my peace with this roadblock, and I am laying my trust in the Universe/gods/whatever that I'm being pushed along to right where I need to be, and right where I belong. Yes, I have had a rough go of it; that's pretty much the story of my life, so I'm used to it.

Thank you for the well wishes. Make sure your friend's mom (and your friend) get enough Vitamin D3. There have been a couple of interesting studies showing that 10,000 IU of cholecalciferol (the actual name of Vit. D3) is safe and effective (here, and here). Further, a couple of studies have shown that higher blood levels of Vitamin D3 (within reason) seems to lower the frequency of relapses.

I hope everything is well for you, also.

[ArmedLiberal]

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife(especially with her MS), hopefully modern medicine can do so much as help her try to maintain a good life. One of my best friend's mothers has MS and it's in the early stages and It's not an easy dose to handle for anyone. We can only hope that it doesn't progress and simply stays the same.

MRI results came back. Similar T2 bright, non-enhancing (gadolinium contrast) lesions, and several new hypointense "blackhole" lesions on the T1 spin-echo scan. These are areas of the brain where the damage has become simply too great to repair, and so the damage is irreversible. That alone is a significant progression; she's never had any black holes before.

The bright side (if there even can be one) is that this new MRI virtually guarantees the acceptance of her Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) application.