A bit of rambling about KS, Rin and life.

[orian34]

So, here it goes, being my first post here(hope rambling is not offchart).

After finding this game on a random video, i went to try it myself, because it was really intriguing.
I never tried VN myself, and with all the poor-quality ones that you can see recently, i wasn't really fond of trying one. But when i saw the intro, with Hisao having a heart attack and going to hospital, something happened.

I went to Emi's path first, it was a really great experience, that made me really care about her(the part where she goes running during the rain, i had a bad feeling, that something could happen to her, something bad. So when the next morning, you don't see her, i skipped a heartbeat(there was no NNNGGGHH tho)), i also learned about not wanting to be the white knight, who comes to save the poor girl in distress, but more someone who cares. I was really happy for her at the end.

But, fact was : i was dropped on the emi's path at first, because that was not where i intended to go(i still think that it was a good thing it happened that way). At first, i was really interested by this shy, scarred girl. You know the one, Hanako.

So, i started it all over again, to see who she was. But then, again, something happened again, while going through the act 1 again. I found myself helping Rin more than the last time, on a scene i never went to before, still with the expectation to go see hanako after the scene(because, let's be honest, at first, i thought she wasn't even possible to go with, being a funny girl who likes painting). But as the scenes were going, i kept seeing her again and again, and it started to get me...intrigued?
When i got to pass the festival with Rin, i knew that it was over, i wouldn't be able to know more about hanako. But Rin had something special that kept me going on(perhaps the same as Hisao, at first, i didn't knew).

During the whole route, i was heavily affected, with dread, sadness, and confusion. I was confused because i wasn't able to understand what was i feeling. There was a feeling i wasn't able to understand, to put words on it. That left me in a blank state, shaking without even crying. After i stopped being shaked, i tried again, to get to see hanako, even if i was feeling weirdly.

This time, i was able to go on her path, i really wanted to help her, because when i saw her fleeing from people and playing with the colored floor, i saw someone else in it, that was me(minus the cuteness).
I was always trying to protect her each time i was able to, because i was seeing a younger myself in it, always avoiding talking to people, passing days to read alone.

But then, something happened, being overly protective led me to an inevitable path : the 'bad' ending. When it happened, i smiled. That's when i understood something, that it wasn't necessary to be like that. That i didn't needed to protect her like that(and that made me acknowledge even more that what i already learned from emi).She was able to stand by herself, she was able to survive through life without being protected, I, was able to survive through life without being protected. Then, i knew i could give up, that i could let my younger me stand by itself, not needing protection.

And that's when something came back in my face, something unexpected. That revelation made me look at myself, and i understood, why I was confused during Rin's path. Why, when you see her telling hisao that he never smiled since he was here, that it was because someone already told me this. It confused me, i did the same thing he did, i looked myself on a mirror if i was able to smile. Then, i tried to see which things could've been similar to him, i looked at him to see if he was similar to me by any mean. Then, I saw that, while i was a disabled myself, had spent time to hospital too, he was different from me. But while it was events, i went deeper and searched through myself to know who i was. And i hit the rock bottom, i saw who i was, i saw how i was with people, and their reactions. I searched through my life path to understand, but even while i saw it all, i was still confused, why couldn't I pin the answer.

As i was desesperatly trying to find an answer, the fact that i couldn't understand why it was hitting me like that, that i couldn't find words for that. It made me cry, the first time in 6 years. A music came to my mind, from a scene i couldn't remember(it was shadow of the truth). It made me realize that, despite never seeing it myself, i was silent, having weird answers that was always shutting the discussions. I made a parallel with Rin, and it fit at 90%. Everything she went through the path, i had experienced it in my life(of Hisao being angry at her, to the whole process of destroyed herself to rebuild because she wasn't able to bear what she was going through), except for the part of having someone to be with/talk to.

When i saw that, i did her path again, and i understood why i felt so weird during it. It was like seeing me going through my life(almost), and being the people around me this time. Having a dark life, when i saw that despite being like me, she was able to be happy in the end(i know it's only a game, i'm just amazed on how it made me look at myself). So perhaps that i was able to be happy too.

So, I must really thank you 4LS for what you did. And special thanks to Aura, for making such a similar path.


Also, i'm kinda interested to know what do you(other people reading this post)have experienced during this VN. Because it never hurts, it only helps.(Hope the rambling wasn't useless and that it didn't bored you, though i guess it has high chances to have. Also, sorry if my english is awfull, i'm not my native language)

[Kakureboshi]

That was an interesting read. I'm happy to see you've found hope out of Katawa Shoujo, and had such an introspective experience with it that let you know yourself better.

As for me? Well... Katawa Shoujo helped me through a rough spot in my life. Rougher than anything that has come before anyway. Incoming wall of rambling text:

I had this game downloaded since 2013. I read about it on a certain anime thread I follow. And I leave it there collecting virtual dust for 2 freaking years because I always seems to have a long list of things to do. In those 2 years things changed drastically. I moved to another country to study, under the pressure that everyone back home had high expectations of me, even though I had lost any sort of self-confidence I had built up in high school because of certain things that happened in college. I managed to get back on my feet and get good grades in this new country, but eventually I messed up again. And knowing that I was draining my family's money, and my mother being one of those overly worried parents and me hating myself for screwing up ended up putting my under such pressure that I started to believe that I was a worthless piece of human feces once again. Christmas 2014 wasn't all that fun with me thinking those things.

Roll in 2015, and I finally plowed through my list enough that it was KS's turn. I didn't know what to expect. The anime thread that introduced me to it had posted a few images of it back in 2012-2013, but I had forgotten about those already. So I boot up the game and I go through and prepare to experience another fantastic virtual world to escape the often cruel reality. I played my first playthrough making the choices I felt I would make irl, and while I wanted to go for Hanako, because bacon waifu for the win, I ended up pushing myself/Hisao racing against Emi. At the time I felt I had to push through everything or I would feel all the pressure upon me again. Sound familiar? Yep, just like Emi, I wanted to be able to find something I could do to silence all the noise around me that had become too painful to hear over and over again (my thoughts, mostly).

And while the solution to Emi's problem did not quite solve mine, I was awe struck by how well Hisao and Emi's relationship developed. I could understand both their feelings, about wanting to relate to others and about wanting to keep others at a distance. This made me realize how much I wanted to connect to others and that I would have to eventually put effort into developing new relationships if I wanted to be happy. It was this moment I realized that this game was going to tear me apart. I was only down 20% of the game, and I was already "feeling the feels". Deep breath. On to Hanako.

It was a very refreshing route. It felt like I was hanging with someone I could truly relate to, seeing as Hanako was so similar to past me. It paid off. I got the good ending on the first try. The moment Lilly left, I knew I wanted Hisao to take Hanako out to have fun, because of all the times I wished someone would reach out to me. The route was mostly endearing to me. It was kind of what I had expected. It also gave me hope, in a sense. Hanako got her happy ending, so I could too, right?

I moved on to Shizune, who I figured I would like the least due to her attitude in Act 1. I was right. To be fair, I understand where she's coming from, but I had to disagree with her point of view all the way. This a route I really need to replay. But it did leave me with something: the strengthened resolve of wanting to help others. I realized one of the things I liked from high school was that I had a group of people that relied on me and that made me try my best to help them and become better myself. I haven't had that in my life for a while.

Rin's route was next. At times I felt I could understand her, and at times I didn't care not understanding her. But her route struck a chord with me. The pain of others putting too much pressure on you to be who they idealize you to be was all too familiar. This was the first route to actually make me cry. Right there, at the end, in the dandelion field Rin accepted herself for who she truly was, and had fully regained hope that everything would be all right. It was something I wished desperately for myself. To believe that things would be all fine in the end. Because it seemed like I was spiraling down to my own destruction, and I would have been fine with it, but I was dragging down everyone who believed in me as well. It's hard to put into words, but I guess I really wanted to accept myself and stop feeling like I was a parasite to everyone else. I had to take a while to mull that one over.

I got back to it and got to Lilly as the final route. Like Hanako, it was endearing. I think it wouldn't have made me cry had I played before Rin, but Rin left me completely open, completely exposed for the broken mess I was, and Lilly's relationship with Hisao was the kind of relationship I wanted to have. I was still trying to define myself, and what I wanted and it hit me hard, even if I understood how cliched that ending was. A perfect bookend to my playthrough. As I was able to compose myself and think about why I was broken, and what needed to change, and what I could do to change it.

I still don't have all the answers, as it's been less than a year since I first got to face this beautiful beast that tore my shell apart and showed me what I truly cared about, what I truly wanted to care about, known as Katawa Shoujo. But I'm figuring myself out all the same. Step by step, mistake by mistake. Some of the pressure is gone, some of the hope has returned. It's a slow process, becoming the kind of human you want to be. But this game, among many other games, movies, books, anime, and stories, has taught me that the only way is to move forward. That's the plan for now.

Ehhhh, I ended up wearing my heart on my sleeve for that one. Oh well, hope you (whoever's reading this) had a good read and sorry for the length. I'll probably dump some more emotional nonsense when I'm feeling like crap again at the Hanako's Broken Heart thread. For now I have a date with my bed.

[Atario]

You two. I like you.

[orian34]

You two. I like you.

I guess that's good for you.
Care to say why?