Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo

[swampie2]

I'm currently working on a re-write of Phantom Pains. It'll be out at some point, but I want to make sure I know where I'm going before I post anything!


Please be aware that this fanfic will include some swearing.

--

Prologue: White (This Post)

Part 1: Class Rep
Part 2: Lunch with Satou
Part 3: 6/10 on my index
Part 4: Metronome
Part 5: The rewards speak for themselves

Part 6: Air, Wind, Ground, Track
Part 7: The Shangai
Part 8: Just a man and his legs
Part 9: Saki for the second time
Part 10: More of a tea girl
Part 11: Hangover
Part 12: Slip
Part 13: Finale

Scrapped Segments:
Part ?: It's been a while...

Bonus: Unused Character Designs

---

Music track: Cold Iron

White. White. White.

All I’ve seen since I’ve awoken is the ceiling.

Days seem to merge into each-other as the weeks pass by and all I see is the white fucking ceiling.

I wish I could find peace reading. Or even something else even a tiny bit less boring that laying down all the time, though I can imagine It’s hard to read when you’re all but strapped to the hospital bed.

During my stay at the hospital I’ve heard various words thrown around In my presence: Punctured Lungs, Broken Ribs, Fractured Skull, Bruised Brain, Blood Loss, Spinal Damage, and many more. But there was one word that stuck with me:

Amputee.

It’s the kind of word that makes you feel Ill.

The doctors have covered my waist and down with multiple sheets, as if try to hide the fact that I’m now missing a leg. Despite their efforts, I’ve noticed.

Each day the doctor visits and goes through his routine of standing at the end of my bed and ticking things off a checklist while making various “Hmm”ing sounds. Each time I ask him when I’ll be up, and each time he dodges the question with some answer I’ve all but stopped listening to at this point since I know I’ll just be disappointed.

“Ahh, Well… After seeing your progress I believe we can sit you up soon, I know It’s not much but, It’s progress”

“Ah, I see- Wait”

Music track: Comfort

It takes a second for me to realise that he hasn’t dodged the question this time.

“Say that again please?” I quickly blink myself awake from what seems like weeks of daydreaming.

“We’ll be sitting you up this week, Kazuko” This time his smile doesn’t seem like he’s plastered It to his face to try and make me feel better this time, but It’s actually a smile, a real smile.

If there were a color for hope, a single drop of It has been carefully dripped Into the sea of white paint that I’ve been staring at for weeks.

---

Music Track: Raindrops and Puddles

I’m snapped from my morning revere by the sound of papers being slapped down on the small desk in front of me. The doctor leans forward and begins speaking to me.

“Goodmorning Kazuko. I’ve some news for you” He takes a couple steps around the bed, that’s never a good sign.

“As you may well know, the school year will be beginning soon. After talking to your parents we’ve decided that It’s best you return to study.” For some reason I seem to be welling up.

Control your feelings Kazuko, Be a man!

“However I would have liked to keep you in for a little longer. The injuries that you’ve sustained are very serious and will likely still require medical attention for some time”

Okay, No worries, I’m fine, honest.

“That said, there Is a choice for you to make. There a school neaby, Yamaku Academy. It’s a school that’s run specially for students who are disabled.” The use of the word “Disabled” puts a sour taste in my mouth.

“Many students study at Yamaku, and many go on to lead fulfilling, normal lives. In Fact a friend of mine teaches there, If you like I can get you in contact with him and you can ask any questions you like?”

Music Track: Friendship

Normal…

Ooohkay… Take a deep breath Kazuko.. You can handle this..

After standing in silence for a second, he notices the look on my face and realizes that I’m not going to respond.

“Well, I’m going to leave the choice to you, as your parents are fully prepared for either scenario. I will leave the papers here, and you can look over them, feel free to take as long as you like making your decision”


I slide the various booklets to the side and skim over the front of the application form, picking out occasional important details that have already been filled in by my doctor and mother:

• Applicant: Kazuko Momoru
  
  Condition(s): Amputated Limb (Left leg), Minor Spinal Damage.
  
  Advised Treatment (If any): Physical Therapy for Prosthesis, Prosthesis Fitting, Physical Therapy for any Spinal issues that may become apparent.
  
  Required Medications: Co-Codamol or Morphone for Phantom Pains and Spinal Irritation.

I spend the rest of the morning reading the numerous pages of details while attempting to enjoy a cup of cheap coffee, but failing at the latter due to It’s cost.

The booklet makes everyone look so happy. Will I be happy there? I'm sure I'll be more happy than being stuck in this hospital.

Most of it seems acceptable. Not optimal, but acceptable, given my situation.

I take the pen from my night stand and flip to the last page:


Guardian/Parent Signature: Mrs.Momoru
Applicant Signature:

Here’s to a new life...



---

Next

[danfs]

Well, I don't think I've ever seen any history that uses the KS universe but changes Hisao to another guy, but since I joined the forum not to much time ago, I've never seen a lot of kinds of Fan Fictions either
And I have to say, since we know the girls but still need to know Kazuko, this kind of history is the reverse of what we saw at KS, and looks really interesting, I really enjoined this first chapter and I'm looking foward to the next

(Try to tolerate any grammar mistake from me, I'm not a native english speaker)

[Alpacalypse]

Ok, this needs to be pointed out now, because otherwise, it's gonna be the Cook that does it - no Choose Your Own Adventure threads here

If you're gonna do this thing, you'll have to write all of the scenes. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but at least I won't ban you or lock the thread

Onto the actual fic - 's alright. Not really paying attention to SPaG at the moment, so I got nothing for you there, but it seems alright. OC fics tend to get a lot of hate around here, especially if they're self-insert, but it looks like this one isn't quite that, so who knows, it could be great.

Bit too early to tell, though.

Good luck, either way.

[Mirage_GSM]

Well...
Two things that make me a little cautious about this story:

1. Replacing Hisao with an OC is not really a novel idea, but it can be done well - however it seems to be seductive to copy scenes from the original VN very closely, and I've seen you've taken some of the lines of the doctor almost verbatim from the VN. Try to avoid that as much as possible.

2. Leaving story decisions to the readers... Setting aside that CYOA-stories are not allowed here and I'm not a great fan of choices in non-interactive media in general, that suggests that you don't really have a story you want to tell but you just want to tell a story - any story. It is my experience that stories like that tend to be less interesting than those where the author has at least a general idea of what it is going to be about.

I'd be happy to be surprised in a positive way, though.

[swampie2]

Well...
Two things that make me a little cautious about this story:

1. Replacing Hisao with an OC is not really a novel idea, but it can be done well - however it seems to be seductive to copy scenes from the original VN very closely, and I've seen you've taken some of the lines of the doctor almost verbatim from the VN. Try to avoid that as much as possible.

2. Leaving story decisions to the readers... Setting aside that CYOA-stories are not allowed here and I'm not a great fan of choices in non-interactive media in general, that suggests that you don't really have a story you want to tell but you just want to tell a story - any story. It is my experience that stories like that tend to be less interesting than those where the author has at least a general idea of what it is going to be about.

I'd be happy to be surprised in a positive way, though.

I thought about this overnight, and I think it is best to just write instead of doing the whole voting thing, It was novel idea but not very practical

Don't worry, I have plans to mix things up regarding the other characters, this is an alternate reality after all

[swampie2]

Chapter List
Part 1: Class Rep


As I stand before the class of 18 I immediately regret the decision to introduce myself.

"Hello everyone, I'm Kazuko Momoru.." Am I meant to tell everyone why I'm here? I mean it's pretty obvious, but is that a normal thing to do? I'll just not say anything about it unless anyone asks.

"I'm going to be studying here for this year so I hope we can all become friends... Uhh..."

Mutou quickly sees that I have nothing more to add and begins to address the class.

"Today we'll be working in groups, Kazuko, maybe it's best you work with Ikezawa for this lesson. She's the class rep, so she'll be able to answer any questions you have. Do you mind Ikezawa?"

He looks towards the back of the classroom, and my eyes are drawn to the girl in the middle row. She has long, dark hair and a notepad in front of her alongside what looks like a stack of school books heavy enough to collapse the desk. She perks up at the question as she was seemingly lost in her notes.

"Of course" she responds. She's soft spoken, yet her words are strong. As I make eye contact with her I notice that the whole right side of her face is covered in scars. Maybe burns? I sit down next to her and take a look at the sheets of work laid on the desk.

Music Track: Fripperies

"Kazuko, Nice to meet you, I'm Hanako" She bows slightly in her chair as she addresses me.

"Right, sorry. Nice to meet you too" Now I'm sat next to her, the scars keep drawing my eyes. I try to avert them as best as possible but seemingly fail.

"I don't mind if you look, It doesn't bother me" These words are accompanied by a small, almost calculated smile as she brushes the hair away from her face to reveal the scarring more. I'm surprised she's so open about it.

"Sorry about that, It's just quite.. Un-usual" Her attitude toward the situation is diverting most of the awkwardness, If she'd had been cagey about it it would have been far more uncomfortable for both of us.

"If I had 20 yen every time someone said that!" Her exited statement seems to have woken the third part of our group. I hadn't even noticed her up until now since she's been asleep on her desk. She sits up and looks at us with cloudy eyes, she has short blue hair and glasses that are crookedly rested on her nose.

"Oh. hey there" As she speaks I'm slightly taken aback, her accent.. Well It's not really an accent, but her way of speaking is quite strange to my ear at least.

"Good morning! This is Shizune" Hanako introduces us with a slight clap while the girl opposite me releases a deep yawn and stretches. After giving her a moment to wake up, I introduce myself

"Hey, I'm Kazuko"

"I'm Shizune, Deaf. What's wrong with you?"

Woah hold on just a moment

"If you're deaf then-"

"I lipread" It seems like every person she's met has asked this question "You haven't answered my question" I suppose it is normal to introduce yourself by name and disability here.

"Oh, sure. I'm missing a leg"

"You'd get on well with Emi" she rests her head back into her folded arms, I guess she's going back to sleep?

"Well.. Perhaps we should start on this work?" Hanako interrupts

"Sounds good to me"

The rest of the morning goes by without much conversation besides the occasional question about the paper. Luckily Hanako let me borrow one of her science books so I could read up on covalent bonding. Science is by far my least favorite subject aside from English.

It seems strange that the classroom Is run exactly like my old school. For some reason I had the idea that there would be doctors roaming the halls and defibrillators in every classroom, but I'm glad It's not like that. Perhaps my time at Yamaku won't be as taxing as I thought It would be. The final bell pulls me from my thoughts and I notice that I've managed to finish the sheet of work despite my zoning out.

"Kazuko, do you have any plans for lunch" Hanako speaks as she packs her things into her bag.

"I don't really, I hadn't thought that far ahead" At this point Shizune awakens again, Clearly not hearing the bell but noticing the desk moving I guess? She stands and walks to the door, it seems as though she doesn't carry books with her. I suppose she doesn't need them when she's catching up on sleep.

"If you like you could eat with myself and a friend? We'd be happy to have you" Hanako seems all too used to Shizune simply walking out of class without a goodbye.

"That sound great to me, thanks" It seems I've already made a friend, I'm glad about that, I was scared that I'd be the shy kid that locks himself In his room to avoid people.

"We'll go the the canteen and find ourselves some food, then we'll go the the tea room" She swings her back into her shoulders with a smile, for a second It looks as though she's about to collapse under the weight of all of her books, but she eventually musters the strength the stand straight, with her arms neatly folded behind her back.

We walk to the door together and stop as we awkwardly decide who should go through first. It seems we're both practiced In the art of "You can go first".

---

Previous || Next

[Mirage_GSM]

...maybe it's best you work with Ikezawa for this lesson. She's the class rep...

And with that all my fears that this story could just retread worn-out paths have been proven unfounded. Nice job!

Looking forward to what you did with Lilly.

One nitpick:

...so I could read up on covelant bonding.

"covalent bonding"

[swampie2]

...maybe it's best you work with Ikezawa for this lesson. She's the class rep...

And with that all my fears that this story could just retread worn-out paths have been proven unfounded. Nice job!

Looking forward to what you did with Lilly.

One nitpick:

...so I could read up on covelant bonding.

"covalent bonding"

Thanks! I've planned this fic out more than my last.

Whoops! Fixed

[swampie2]

Chapter List
Part 2: Lunch with Satou

Music Track: Daylight

Hanako walks ahead of me, obviously knowing that I have no clue where the "Tea room" is. As we move I notice that she takes larger or smaller steps In an attempt to only step on the darker squares In the pattern across the floor.

"Bad luck to step on the lighter squares?"

"Oh, n-no, It's just a little game that I like to play" It seems I have caught her off guard, as a light red shade spreads across her cheeks.

"Ohh, I'd play but I think I'd be at a disadvantage" This Is the first time I've joked about my loss of leg, to be honest It feels good. Almost like I'm on the way to accepting the fact that I'm missing a limb.

Hanako quickly looks up from her feet at to my face to gauge my emotion. She sees the minuscule smile that's grown on my face and releases a girlish laugh.

"We'll I'm sure we could find some way to even the score" She turns and winks, pointing her finger at me. I'm not even sure what she means by that but I still blush.

"Here we are!" She gestures towards a very plain door before pushing it open with her free hand. We both hear a resounding crash from inside, and a look of terror overtakes Hanako's face. She quickly jumps inside the room, and I follow her, slightly confused about what could have fallen over.

Music Track: High Tension

Or who?

As I enter the room I see a tall blonde girl laid on the ground laughing to herself, Hanako is at her side making sure she's okay.

"I'm fine Hanako, don't worry, I'm practiced at this remember" She chuckles

"Lilly you scared the life out of me!" She pouts as she falls onto her backside next to the girl. Though she tries to hold her nerve she quickly ends up laughing with her. Her laugh is truly adorable.

Music Track: Everyday Fantasy

Remembering my presence, Hanako introduces us "Kazuko, this is Lilly, my friend!"

Lilly bolts upright with shock written all over her face. "There is someone else here? OhgodI'msosorryIdidn'tmeantoscareyouijust-"

"Don't worry," I interrupt her outburst "you got Hanako better than you got me, I'm Kazuko." I offer both my hands forward to the girls to help them get up, only Hanako takes my offer though. After she dusts herself off she sees my extended hand towards the ruffled blonde girl In front of me and lets out a stiffed laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"You see Lilly Is blind, so she would know about your act of gentlemanly conduct" Lilly quickly searches for my hand and eventually finds It. Hanko winks at me once again, sending me into a blush. I'm kind of glad Lilly can't see it.

"Oh my, I'msosorryIcouldn'thave-" Her energy Is seemingly endless, I hope she Isn't always this flustered.

"Don't worry about It, Honestly. Nice to meet you anyways" She pulls herself onto her feet with my help and I lead her to the table by the window.

"I was just trying to make some tea and I got... justalittlebitlost... I had almost figured out where I was but then an evil chair tripped me!" Her face tightens as she speaks about the diabolical chair.

"I'm sure It'd say sorry If It weren't a chair" Hanko begins "Would you care for a cup of tea Kazuko?" She asks as she begins measuring out cups of water.

"That'd be good thanks! Are you okay Lilly?" I ask, seeing that she's examining her elbows.

"I'm quite alright thank you, I've built up quite the resistance to falling" She sighs. I'm guessing that she falls quite a lot, given her personality I can kind of see why. I peek out of the window after sitting myself down and I notice that most of the students are now pouring outside to bask in the sun with lunches in hand.

"Do you two come her often then?"

Hanako returns to the table with three cups of tea, held in pristine china glasses. "It's a little early to be using a pick up line on BOTH of us, no?" She winks at me while passing over my tea.

"Hanako! That's not what I meant.." I admonish her for her lude joke that's drained all blood from my body to my cheeks.

Lilly sits up in her chair, places her arms behind her back and pushes her chest forward, just like Hanako does "Is it because we're not pretty enough" Her cloudy blue puppy dog eyes bore to my soul.

"I uhh.." Hanko luckily lets of off the hook

"Lilly don't tease him, he's only new" She giggles, administering a small playful punch to Lillies arm that deflates her back to her regular posture.

"Is there anything you need to know... about the school I mean?"

"Well I was told to go the nurse after lunch, so I wouldn't mind if someone could point me In the right direction If that's not a problem?"

"Of course not, I'll walk you down there once we've done eating!" With the conversation over, all three of us tear into our respective lunches. I notice that Lilly has covered her blouse with a napkin. Given how clumsy she Is, I can Imagine that she may miss her target from time to time.

One I take my first bite, my mind rockets back to my time In the hospital.

"Uhm... Is the cafeteria food always... Like this?"

Lilly quickly speaks with her mouth full "Awful? Yeah. Hanako usually makes us lunch but I guess she was busy with you" She points her chopsticks at the wall to her left In an accusatory fashion, I'm guessing they were meant to be pointed at me.

"That's not It at all!" She looks to me, almost apologizing for Lillies actions "I just slept in a little bit, that's all" She continues on with her meal once she's content that I've accepted said apology.

Once I choke down the less that sub par meal myself and Hanako set off for the Nurse's office, but not before carefully leading Lilly out of the room to avoid any more Incidents.

---

Previous || Next

[Alpacalypse]

Clumsy Lilly
Outgoing Hanako
Lazy Shizune

What have you done!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE BESTGIRLS!?!?!?!?!?!?

Just kidding, this is great! I don't think I've seen an AU fic where the characters were this different. It's rather refreshing.

Again, not really paying attention to SPaG, but I still thought it was good.

So, did Lilly trade personalities with Emi, Hanako with Shizune and Shizune with... IDK, Suzu?

[Mirage_GSM]

I agree - but don't force yourself to hammer out two chapters a day.
Take your time, and read the chapters again to fix mistakes.
Try to write two or three chapters ahead so you don't write yourself into a corner.

Looking forward to meeting Rin and Emi - in your own time!

[swampie2]

Clumsy Lilly
Outgoing Hanako
Lazy Shizune

What have you done!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE BESTGIRLS!?!?!?!?!?!?

Just kidding, this is great! I don't think I've seen an AU fic where the characters were this different. It's rather refreshing.

Again, not really paying attention to SPaG, but I still thought it was good.

So, did Lilly trade personalities with Emi, Hanako with Shizune and Shizune with... IDK, Suzu?

I'm glad you like it!

It's less personality trading, more inverted personalities.

I agree - but don't force yourself to hammer out two chapters a day.
Take your time, and read the chapters again to fix mistakes.
Try to write two or three chapters ahead so you don't write yourself into a corner.

Looking forward to meeting Rin and Emi - in your own time!

I was In quite the writing mood yesterday haha, I'm taking my time on this next part

We'll see Emi soon enough. It's tough to write Rin and not have it feel forced, so I'll have to put some thinking time into it

[Path]

Luckily Hanako let me borrow once of her science books

I think it should be "one of her science books"

so I could read up on covalent bonding.

Is that a shout out?


I like this Alternate Universe because it might be the few times I can say that I like Lilly.

[swampie2]

so I could read up on covalent bonding.

Is that a shout out?


I like this Alternate Universe because it might be the few times I can say that I like Lilly.

It could be

Good to hear you're enjoying it!

[swampie2]

Slight retcon here; I've decided that this Fic will take place at some point in the future compared to the visual novel, Allowing 3D printed, Artistic limbs to become the norm. With that, I thank you for reading my fanfic!

Chapter List
Part 3: 6/10 on my index

Music Track: Caged Heart

As I’m slowly leveraged up by the nurse, the pain in my whole torso Is horrible. It feels like that feeling that you get when you see someone hurt themselves really badly, but a thousand times worse, and you’re the one having your spine realigned.

Maybe not. Perhaps I’m just lost In a tangent to try and distract myself from the pain of having my bodyweight back on my spine after weeks of laying on my back. Also having my spine broken, could be that, now I think about it.

Music Track: Everyday Fantasy

"Kazuko?" The nurse gently taps my fingertips with a pen, breaking me from my thoughts. Not that I'd like to go back to them anytime soon, It's just that the smell of the office reminded me of the hospital.

"Hmm, 10/10 on all 5 that side"

"And the other hand?"

"6/10 on my index, 8/10 on my thumb... but the rest are fine"

"Well It seems that your recovery is proceeding as expected, given what your doctors told me before you transferred." He grins widely before turning to his computer again. This office Is deadly boring. The walls are plastered with "Stay Healthy!" posters and medical diagrams of various body parts.

"Now onto the second part of the assessment. Don't worry, we won't have to do all this every week, just the physical." His quick explanation puts my mind to rest for almost a second.

Music Track: Cold Iron

"I understand that the accident you went through and your stay in hospital was rather taxing on your mental health. I'd recommend that you see our therapist If you begin to feel bogged down. It won't be a weekly thing, just when either you or I think It'd do you good to talk." His sly smile doesn't do much to distract me from the thoughts freely flowing In my head

Do I need a therapist?

I lost a lot In that accident. More than my leg even. Would It do me good? or would I just end up hanging onto things I'd rather forget about?

"I'll think about It..."

"That's all that I ask" He grins even wider, I didn't think It was possible to do that with a human face. "Onto some lighter topics" He slides a small booklet across the desk to me.

The large text across the top reads "Learning to live with Prosthetics!" I peek up at the nurse who's Inhuman smile has all but vanished.

"I'm guessing you'll think about it?"

"Right.." I slide the booklet off the desk and Into my hands before placing It besides Hanako's Book In my bag.

"Well think hard. The sooner we start the easier It will be!" His smile has returned, I can guess to attempt to hide the lie about learning to walk a second time being anything but awful. "On that note, you're free to leave If you don't have any questions"

"Thanks for the checkup I guess, I'll see you next week" I slowly stand, my mind a whirlwind of thoughts.

"I look forward to It" He gives a final smile before returning to his computer, violently tapping out the tiny details from my examination, I can assume.

--

Music Track: Fripperies

"Kazuko, are you okay?" Hanako's voice makes me jump, I think she noticed that because she quickly peers to the ground then back again to hide her blush.

"Oh Hanako! I'm.. I need to go to bed." She checks her watch.

"It's only 5:30?" She looks up at me and sees what I can Imagine Is a person with far to many thoughts In his head.

"I see. I'll walk you to the dorms then?"

"That'd be good, I don't even know where they are" I attempt to lighten the mood with the best smile I can muster, I can see that she has noted this attempt at social conduct on her mental checklist by returning a gleaming smile.

We begin the walk to the dorms, and I begin to consider what It'd be like walking without crutches after months relying on them.

---

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