<Misha and I want to give you and Hanako some time to talk,> my cousin says, <so we've decided to stay in a different room.> Apparently as an afterthought, she adds, <Unless you're against it for some reason.>
Shizune's words are both welcome and troubling. My cousin has gone to great lengths to improve my mood, even dragging poor Hanako out here as a pawn when it seems clear that she doesn't want to be here. However, it's been a fiasco thus far, and now she's trying to salvage things. <That's very kind of you, cousin, but are you sure that's what Hanako wants? Or are you just assuming that you know what's best again?>
<The irony of that question is not lost on me,> my cousin replies tersely. <Still, I'll admit it's likely a little bit of both.> My raised hackles lower a bit at her rare moment of humility. <I know the two of you won't be at peace until you've either made up or forgotten each other. Since the latter will never happen, then the sooner the former happens, the better. Wouldn't you agree?>
Much as I might want to deny my cousin's words, I can't. <I would, but if I try to press the issue now it might make things worse.>
<Then the answer is simple: don't press the issue. That's what you would normally do anyway, isn't it? Unlike me, you're quite good at getting people to go along with you by softer means.>
<That may be so, but...> I still my hands, because I'm not ready to admit the lack of confidence I've felt recently. Shizune might have been more sympathetic to me of late, but I still don't quite trust that she wouldn't use it as ammunition against me someday. <...yes, as you say, it would be better for things to happen sooner.>
<Exactly! That's why this is an important opportunity! Even if you don't come to a full accord tonight, you can lay the groundwork for one by moving the process along.>
I sigh inwardly. Unsurprisingly, my cousin makes it sound like a diplomatic negotiation. <Indeed. I just need to be certain that Hanako will be open to the idea.> If Hanako
isn't open to the idea, after all, the result could be counterproductive, just like the last time we talked.
Now I'm doing it as well, letting Shizune set the terms for me. Do I have that little confidence in myself?
<She
is the one who came to you, isn't she?>
I wonder if that's truly the case. Even if it is, there could easily be a misunderstanding, just as there was the last time she asked to meet. <If that were the deciding factor, I wouldn't still be staying here instead of at Yamaku.>
<Very well, have it your way. Keep avoiding Hanako like you have since we arrived. I just hope that my attempt to help you didn't offend you in some way.>
I wince at the obvious rebuke in those words. Honestly, I
should be grateful to my cousin, and maybe I'm only finding it difficult out of habit. <No, of course not. I didn't mean to imply anything of the sort. I'm just concerned for Hanako.> I hesitate before saying the next part, but I suppose it's time to swallow my pride, at least a bit. <I really don't want to make things worse, which I'm afraid I've been doing all too often of late.>
Shizune doesn't reply for a moment. When she does, she says, <Good luck, then, and good night,> before withdrawing her hands.
Not long afterwards, I hear Misha's voice from the hallway. "Okay, then! Shicchan and I are going to get some sleep! Good night~, Hanako! Good night~, Lilly!"
"Good night," Hanako and I reply, nearly in unison. For some reason, I feel a chill at the overlapping sounds.
Once the other two have made their way down the hall, Aunt Mayoi comes back into the sitting room. "Lilly, Hanako, do you intend to go to bed now as well?"
For a moment, I listen to see if Hanako will respond. I can hear her shifting slightly, and I wonder if she might be depending on me for the first time in a while. I wish it didn't feel quite so comforting. "I probably should," I say, rising from my seat. "After all, if I don't at least make an effort to join you all for breakfast, it will give my cousin something else with which she can tease me."
Although I'm not particularly tired, it's as good an excuse as any, and it has the advantage of allowing Hanako to make her own choice. If she wants to talk, she can follow, but if she needs to collect her thoughts first she can remain behind. After I've taken a couple of steps, I hear her say, "I'll...g-go, too." For a moment I'm relieved, until I realize that she might be doing this only because she doesn't wish to be left alone with Aunt Mayoi. Once again, I chide myself at having possibly forced her to be alone with me, which was exactly what I had wanted to avoid.
Just another misstep in a long sequence of them.
Hearing Aunt Mayoi moving the furniture in the sitting room, I slow my pace a bit to ensure I don't bump against anything too forcefully. I consider retrieving my cane from the room where I've been sleeping, but before I get there I hear quick footsteps behind me, followed by a familiar hand brushing against my elbow. "Hanako?"
"D-do you want me to...guide you?" she asks shyly.
It's a question she hasn't asked in a long time – not because I haven't needed it, but because she hasn't needed to ask. How wide the distance has grown between us, if she feels that need now. I want nothing more than to close that distance again, so even if it's not something I need, I respond, "Thank you, Hanako, I would appreciate that very much." I reach out and lightly take hold of her elbow, allowing myself to relax just a bit.
The two of us proceed into the sitting room, and as expected, the center of the room has been cleared so that we might lay out our sleeping bags. "I know you'll want some tea, Lilly," Aunt Mayoi says from behind us as we enter the room. "What about you, Hanako?"
"Yes, please," Hanako replies. For some reason, I feel a twinge of apprehension – perhaps because the last few times we've had tea together things haven't gone very well. Catching myself thinking that, I have to stop from shaking my head in annoyance at myself.
Everything seems to be making me anxious tonight, but I do my best not to let it show on my face. It's bad enough that
I'm like this without making Hanako feel any worse herself.
Once Aunt Mayoi leaves, I hear a rustling sound, followed by the ripping of Velcro and nylon rubbing against nylon. I'm not sure where Hanako procured her sleeping bag, and since mine is still at Yamaku I'm borrowing one from Aunt Mayoi. I retrieve it and follow my friend's example, laying it out a few feet from hers.
I hadn't been expecting to need one while I was here, but that changed when Aunt Mayoi told me about my cousin's plan to "cheer me up" last night. Honestly, the very idea filled me with dread – the last time I met with Shizune, "cheered up" was not a phrase I would use to describe how I felt afterwards. When Aunt Mayoi told me this morning that Misha had called again promising a surprise, I very nearly decided to move to a hotel for a couple of days. When they arrived this afternoon with Hanako in tow, I was glad that I hadn't, even if I might wish I had when all was said and done.
Hisao assured me that Hanako still wanted to repair our relationship, and I have no reason to doubt his sincerity. Given what had happened over these past few days, though, I thought it would be best to give her the opportunity to approach me first. From the time she arrived until we'd finished our meal, it felt like she might be trying to do just that, but could never quite do so. I tried to reach out to her during our mahjong game, but she either didn't notice or didn't feel comfortable responding.
Or I may have simply been projecting my feelings onto her.
When Hanako left after our first game, I was concerned, but Aunt Mayoi reminded me of what I should have already known: that Hanako might need some time to gather herself in unfamiliar surroundings. The fact that I needed such a reminder at all means that I still need to find my own bearings as well. Just thinking about it, I begin to feel anxious all over again.
As I finish laying out the sleeping bag, I reach my hand out to check my surroundings, and there's nothing within at least a foot. That means Hanako's is a fair distance away, which may be another sign of her comfort level. I wish I could stop myself from analyzing every little thing like this, but at least it might help me understand how to approach the rest of the night. At the very least, I hope that not having anyone else here will allow Hanako to be less reticent about talking to me. If not, I can at least make the attempt myself without embarrassing either of us.
Just then, I hear Aunt Mayoi return. "I'll just set the tea on the table over here," she says, and I hear her pouring it into the cups. "It seems that my daughter and her friend have already settled in, so it's just us three still awake."
"I know very well how much more of a morning person my cousin is," I say with mock petulance. "Since she's not working, she has no reason to stay up late, either."
Aunt Mayoi laughs softly. "Well, I don't have to tell you how hard she works, so I can certainly forgive her for being tired." Although I think she's trying to make it sound like she's joking, there's a hint of defensiveness in my aunt's voice. It's gone again when she continues, "So, is there anything either of you would like to do?"
I wait to see if Hanako will say anything, but once again she remains silent, leaving the decision to me. "Aunt Mayoi, perhaps it would be best for us to rest as well. I'll make sure to bring the tea set back and clean it when we're done."
"Of course. Well, since I promised myself I wouldn't do any work tonight, I'll be in my room watching some old movies if you need me." I can hear the mild sadness in Aunt Mayoi's voice before she walks away, leaving me alone with Hanako once again. Like her daughter, I think she would have relished the opportunity to help, but this way is probably best.
For a while, I sit there sipping my tea, listening to Hanako sip hers. Just as she has the entire evening, Hanako has her guard up, and I'm finding it difficult to read her mood. Occasionally, I hear her shift positions or take a breath, making me think she's about to say something, only for the silence to return. It's as if she's trying to push past her anxiety, but can't quite get through. It's been a long time since I've heard her sound like that, but I can't say it makes me feel nostalgic. All it does is make it more difficult for me to feel like I can break through my own anxiety.
Despite Hisao's assurances and my aunt's kind words, lately I've begun to feel like I don't quite understand how to let people get close to me. Around my family, I learned that it wasn't proper to reveal my inner thoughts. I never understood Father, and only understood Mother slightly better. Akira was different, of course, because we'd always been together. I never needed that barrier with her, so one was never created. Even so, there are things I kept from her that I now regret. Perhaps that's why it was so easy to think of Hisao and Hanako as family – other than Akira, I never felt close to my own, and Aunt Mayoi's story reminds me of how misshapen that was as well.
My Yamaku family was so much different, or so I thought. Unlike me, they've both shown their hearts rather easily. Until our trip to Hokkaido, I couldn't tell either of them about my feelings for Hisao, and even then I might not have revealed them if not for Hisao's attack. I'd used my decision to reunite with my family as an excuse to myself, and then failed to reveal that until it was essentially pulled out of me. Once it was, I wouldn't even allow them – or Akira – to influence me. I even went so far as to blame Hisao for taking the decision out of my hands, because I just couldn't come right out and
say it.
And that's what I should do here, isn't it?
I hear Hanako finish off her tea, and I do the same. Standing up, I carefully reach out to where I heard Aunt Mayoi leave the tray and, once I find it, place my cup and saucer on it. Once I've heard Hanako do the same, I lift the tray with one hand while balancing myself with the other. Before I even have the chance to take a step, I feel the tray's weight being lifted from my hands. I hear soft footsteps mingled with the light clinking of the china, and I follow them as confidently as I can. When I hear the sound of water running, though, I falter, realizing that I'd only be getting in Hanako's way. I turn around and return to the sitting room, slowly lowering myself onto my sleeping bag and lying on top of it for now.
A few minutes pass before Hanako returns. I hear the click of the light switch, then her movements as she lies down. This could be my last chance to clear the air before the term starts, so hesitantly I speak up. "So, it would seem that my cousin has arranged an opportunity for us to talk. Shall we take advantage of it?"
To my surprise, Hanako laughs softly. "We m-might as well. It's...why I came here."
"My, my. I thought perhaps Shizune might have pressured you to come with her on her mission to cheer me up."
"N-no, I...asked to come," Hanako says, clearly refuting my presumption. "Even...before they asked, I w-wanted to see you. When they did ask, I...a-almost changed my mind. When Misha...came to p-pick me up. I was...in the b-bathroom, trying to...stay calm. I just...felt like I n-needed to come today."
"That's understandable, especially since it was Misha. Still, are you sure you didn't push yourself in coming here?"
"Are you s-still trying to protect me, Lilly?" Hanako replies with no small amount of steel in her voice.
This is a reply I've known I'd need to make for a while. I hope it's the right one. "Yes, I suppose I am," I say gently. "It's only natural, though, isn't it, for friends to want to protect each other? Wouldn't you protect me if you thought you could? Haven't there been times you've tried to protect me during these past few weeks?"
Hanako is quiet again for a while before responding. "I know. I've been thinking about that...since we talked. Remember wh-when I said I was...picking up your w-worst habits?" She pauses for a moment, and I almost laugh. "That wasn't...quite right, but there's a limit...to how much you should t-try to protect someone else. I think you passed it...a while ago."
"I've been thinking about it as well," I say wistfully. "I realized before our last conversation that I'd been trying too hard not to hurt you, so I did my best to say what I thought you needed to hear instead. Perhaps I erred too far in the other direction, and at the very least the timing wasn't particularly good. I obviously upset you, and for that I am truly sorry."
"No," Hanako says forcefully, "you were right, I-I just wasn't...ready to listen. I'm the one who sh-should be..." Hanako stops short and takes a deep breath. "W-we're doing it again, aren't we?"
"Trying to take all the blame on ourselves?" I say with a sad smile, remembering my conversation with Hisao at the Shanghai. "It does seem to be what we're best at, doesn't it? It's certainly what we've become
accustomed to doing. I wish I could stop doing it, but I'm afraid it's been too well impressed upon me." I sigh heavily before continuing, "If you say I crossed over a line in trying to protect you, what troubles me most is that I don't know
where the line was. What I said the other day was what I thought, unvarnished, as I'd resolved to tell you after our last encounter." I try my best to smile as I add, "I won't apologize again, though, because if I do we'll never break this cycle. If you say I was right to say it, I'll accept that."
Hanako laughs, but it sounds a bit hollow. "You can't just...leave it at being right, can you?" I start to open my mouth, but I don't know how to respond. Fortunately, Hanako continues before I make any more of a fool of myself. "It doesn't m-matter anyway. Even if you were right, a-after the way I...responded, I wasn't sure you'd even...want to t-talk to me...not yet."
I laugh bitterly at those words. "You didn't think
I'd want to talk to
you? After everything I've said to you, after what you felt regarding how I treated you, I think the more likely outcome was the reverse. You have no reason to talk to me anymore, do you?"
Hanako is again quiet for a long time, to the point where I wonder if she took the words seriously. Finally, she replies in a softer voice, "I g-gave you every reason to think that, d-didn't I?" She pauses, but I still have no reply. "I...regretted what I s-said to you that day...almost immediately after I said it. Even b-before Hisao came to the roof...and r-rejected me, I knew what you'd said...was true. I think I o-only said those things...because I knew you were right."
Now I truly wish I'd bitten my tongue, both a moment ago and on that day. While I'd heard from Misha about Hisao and Emi becoming a couple, I hadn't realized that it had been so soon after my own meeting with Hanako. I can only imagine how devastated she must have been, and admire her for coming here just two days later. "It's all right, Hanako. Perhaps, since we've both made mistakes, the time has come to wipe the slate clean."
Hanako sighs, sounding relieved. "I...like that idea."
I allow myself a small smile. "In that case, since you've come all the way here, is there anything you
want to talk about right now?"
Hanako sighs as she says, "I'm not even sure...what I w-want to say anymore. Every time I try to s-say something to anyone, it...comes out wrong." Her voice gets softer as she continues, "Especially to you."
"That would seem to be something else we have in common, then," I say, trying to sound light. "Did your conversation with Misha help?"
"I...I think so."
"That's good to hear. I hope what I say next won't make you angry, Hanako, but I'm quite happy that you and Misha are able to talk to each other. It also makes me a little sad, because perhaps I was holding you back after all."
"What do you mean?" Hanako asks, sounding genuinely confused.
"Since I left, it seems you've started becoming more...well, for want of a better word,
social. Introducing you to Hisao seems to have been the beginning, but it seems that my departure was an even greater catalyst."
"I-I'm not sure that's...quite it. I think it might even be...the opposite. You leaving, and then...what's happened since you returned...has m-made me realize that I don't w-want to be alone...anymore."
Hanako stops there, which usually means there's something she needs me to draw out of her. At least, that's what it used to mean, or perhaps what I used to
think it meant. Rather than continue to second-guess myself, I decide to go with my instincts, for better or worse. "I'm not sure I'm following you, Hanako."
Hanako hesitates for a moment, and when she speaks, it's quite measured. "A-after I left the hospital, I learned that I was better off without anyone, and that everyone was better off without me. The friends I thought I had before the accident had turned their backs on me, and I thought that's how it would always be. I even thought I'd never have true friends again. I...don't think that way anymore."
Hanako pauses, but as I'm about to reply she starts again. "That's...why I thought you didn't see me as an equal. Deep down, I didn't think anybody could. Even though I know it wasn't true, I...never got past the feeling that...you became my friend because you felt sorry for me, or because...you needed to help someone. When I met Hisao, I...because he always treated me like an equal, I thought he was different, that there was something special...about the bond between us. I think there still m-might be, just...not in the way I thought. After all that's happened, I think...nobody treated me as an equal like Hisao did because...because I didn't let them. Hisao was the first person I let see enough of me to see me that way.
"But...when I tried to get closer to him, and thought I was making mistakes, I started to look beyond th-the walls that I'd built. I saw...people reaching out, and I wasn't panicking over it. First it was Emi, but...she was my rival, so it was easier to see her as an equal. Then, one by one, I could s-see others – Noriko, Taka-Taka, Misha...even Rin Tezuka. Others...still didn't, like Natsume, but I think that's how she is. Then, I started wondering...how was it that I could see all these people, treating me like I'm their equal...but I couldn't...s-see my...best f-friend doing...doing the same?"
I can hear Hanako trying to hold back tears, but I'm not quite ready to risk reaching out to her. Despite that, it's quite nice to hear that Hanako still considers me her best friend, especially since she's acquired quite a few others recently. As the silence lengthens, though, I realize that she must be waiting for me to respond. "Thank you, Hanako, for still feeling that way about me. I still consider you to be a part of my family, and I don't think that will ever change. Still, there's one part of what you said that I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying you don't love Hisao anymore?"
There's another long pause, and Hanako's breathing, which had been getting quieter, starts becoming somewhat labored again. After a moment, I hear her anguished voice cry out, "I don't know!" The shout takes me by surprise, and I sit bolt upright. "Ever since he r-rejected me, I've been wondering, wh-why wasn't I m-more upset?" she says, her voice losing the steadiness it had a few moments ago. "Why didn't I w-want to shut myself in, to be a-alone like I used to? At f-first, I thought it was because I was p-past that, but I s-still ran away from you. N-now, I wonder if...if what N-Natsume said was true."
"What do you mean? What did Natsume say?"
"After our c-club meeting yesterday, she said... my f-feelings for Hisao...might not be what she th-thought. I started w-wondering too...maybe what I felt for Hisao...w-wasn't love. I've...m-made enough mistakes, maybe th-this was just...another one. Maybe this was...the b-biggest one I could have made."
As Hanako relates her thoughts, my stomach starts to churn. A mixture of unpleasant emotions threatens to overcome me, and I turn away from Hanako to make sure she doesn't see my face. I wish I could do the same for my voice. "That would be an...interesting turn of events, wouldn't it? If you were to discover that your feelings for Hisao are less than what you thought, just as I've been discovering that my own feelings for him were more."
"Still?"
Hanako's single questioning word catches me off-guard. It seems odd for a moment, until I remember the context. After taking a moment to sort out my own thoughts, I reply, "Yes, still. I may have lost touch with my feelings for a while, but they've never truly changed."
"Do you think it's...possible that the s-same thing happened to Hisao? That maybe he's just...lost touch with his feelings for you, and he m-might find them again someday?"
I lower my head at those words. I'm not sure if she's asking for my benefit, or for her own. Still, I can only answer honestly. "Any hope I might have had of that was undone at the Shanghai a few days ago. He may have told you this, but while we were there, at one point he grew quiet for a while. I think he was searching within himself for his feelings – he called it an 'experiment' – and that's when he told me he knew it was over." I grimace slightly as I continue, "I...felt a bit used at the time, which was part of the reason I came here to sort out my own feelings. I know Hisao didn't mean to hurt me, but it did make things feel quite final.
"I can't help but think that this summer has been one long dose of irony," I say with a bitter chuckle. "You told me I should have been better at communicating with Hisao, and you were absolutely right. I said you weren't ready for a relationship with Hisao, and it seems I was right as well. However, I think there was an issue above and beyond those that doomed both of our relationships."
"What's that?"
"Hanako, you tried to be something you weren't because you thought it was what Hisao wanted, but in the end it just pushed him away. What caused me to lose Hisao wasn't much different. I was also trying to be someone I wasn't, but instead of Hisao, I was doing it for my family. I had thought that if I became the perfect daughter, eventually we could all be together again." I can feel tears starting to well up in my eyes, but I hold my voice steady. "The problem was that...that wasn't what my parents wanted, either, and it nearly cost me everything I valued, here
and in Scotland." I laugh bitterly again. "In some ways, I think I envy you, Hanako."
"Y-you...envy me?" Hanako says, sounding incredulous. I suppose I can't blame her. "Wh-why?"
I take a deep breath to calm myself before answering. "Because, Hanako, it seems like you've started to come to terms with yourself, maybe even to understand who you want to be. For me, the opposite has happened. After these last few weeks, I'm not sure I understand who I
am anymore, much less who I want to be. I've even started to doubt whether I'd be suited to teaching."
"What do you mean?" Hanako says, a little louder than she should at this time of night. "Of course you are!"
"I wish I could be as sure as that," I reply with a sigh. "Teaching is something I've been told I could do since I was in primary school. Because of that, it always seemed natural. I'm not even certain it was ever what I
wanted to be, it was just something I knew, something everyone around me knew. My choice of English..." I pause for a moment, but now's not the time to be holding back. "...came later, and was due to the influence of someone very dear to me at my previous school whom I'd tried very hard to impress. He was my tutor, and a good deal older than I was. You could probably call him my first love."
Hanako draws a sharp breath. "I...thought Hisao..."
"Hisao was the first person to whom I confessed, and first in many other things, but not that. Still, in the end the reason I chose teaching itself was because I enjoyed working with people, and how well it seemed I fared in doing so." I lower my head, starting to feel tired. "Lately, it feels as though all of it has been a charade. I haven't been able to understand any of the people who are supposed to be my family, either in Scotland or here. So, I think the time has come to see if perhaps I should choose a new path." As I'm talking, my thoughts light on an idea that hadn't occurred to me – one that makes perfect sense right now. "It might seem strange to say this, but if Hisao and I hadn't fallen in love, and then separated, I may never have learned this about myself. I would have gone right on living the life that I thought I should, but nobody else did. Maybe...maybe I..." I pause for a moment, torn between laughing and crying and settling on both. "Maybe it was all for the best..."
Hanako doesn't respond verbally right away, but instead I hear her soft movements approaching me. She stops beside me, and I suddenly feel her take my hand in hers, a warm feeling coming from it. "M-maybe it was for the best for...both of us. I d-don't know if I'll be able to...help you at all, but if you th-think I can..."
"Of course," I say naturally, feeling all the tension wash out of me in one brief, powerful wave. Right now, I don't even remember why I never let her before. "You...might need to ask me if I don't come to find you, but believe me when I say I'll never deny you the chance again."
For a long time, the two of us sit like that, holding hands, without saying anything. It reminds me a bit of when I first moved into the Yamaku dormitory, but this is a lot more comfortable. No longer surprisingly, Hanako is the one to break the silence. "Lilly," she says quietly, "I'm...glad I came after all. I think tonight was good f-for all of us."
"I certainly hope so," I respond. It would be perfect if the conversation ended there, but there's still one thing preying on my mind. "I'm not sure how much good it was for my cousin, though."
Hanako lets go of my hand, but the warmth lingers. "I think...once she knows that we're feeling better, she'll be h-happy."
I hear her lie down close by, and I settle down as well. "That's true," I say with a smile, the first earnest one I've worn in quite a while. "Good night, Hanako."
"Good night, Lilly."
* * * *
When I wake up, I'm a bit disoriented by the large, unfamiliar open space, and I fumble around a bit before remembering where I am. Once I do, the first thing I notice is Hanako's absence, followed by the scents of eggs, sausage, and coffee assaulting my senses. As I'm deciding whether to be angry or grateful that nobody woke me up, I hear footsteps from the hallway. "Good morning, Lilly," Aunt Mayoi says brightly. "I hope you don't mind Western-style breakfast again this morning. I've gotten so used to it that I didn't think to shop for anything else yesterday."
"Good morning, Aunt Mayoi. I'm thankful for whatever you're willing to provide, as always. Do you happen to know where Hanako is?"
"She's taking a shower. My daughter and Misha have already taken theirs, and are impatiently discussing your continued absence from the breakfast table."
"
Are they?" I ask with amusement. "Well, then, I suppose I should remedy that now. I hope they don't mind me joining them before my own shower."
"Actually, I believe Misha might sink into a puddle on the floor if you don't," Aunt Mayoi says with a giggle. "You seem to be in much better spirits this morning, Lilly. Did your talk with your friend go well?"
"I'm fairly sure it did," I say while stretching out. I slept well, but my whole body aches from having done so on the floor. "Still, there's a long road ahead if we're ever to be as close as we were before I left."
"Long, perhaps, but one you're obviously willing to travel. Now that she's here, it's become more obvious to me how important Miss Ikezawa is to you. I hope to have the chance to talk to her before she leaves." Aunt Mayoi claps her hands, then says, "Well, I'll let them know you're on your way."
"I'll try not to take
too long," I say with a smile. As Aunt Mayoi's footsteps retreat back up the hall, I get to my feet and straighten my pajamas. Since Hanako is using the main bathroom, I retrieve my cane and make my way upstairs. I take care of the necessities and arrange my hair just enough to keep it out of my face before setting out for the dining room.
When I arrive, I can hear Misha moaning faintly. Listening more closely, I hear the distinctive sound of Shizune's gesturing, which probably means Misha is complaining to my cousin again. "Good morning, everyone," I say brightly.
"Good morning, Lilly," my aunt says, matching my tone.
"Good morning~!" Misha adds, sounding a little tired. "Glad you could finally~ join us," follows, which was probably Shizune's contribution.
Underneath that, I hear another familiar voice say, "Good morning, Lilly." Since Hanako is already here, I waste no time finding a seat at the table, and I am relieved to find the one next to her open. Unlike last night, there's no awkward silence looming over us. Aunt Mayoi brings out breakfast immediately, so it seems everyone was indeed waiting for me. I feel a bit sheepish, but soon enough everyone is chatting contentedly and I forget about it.
Once breakfast is over, Shizune grabs hold of my sleeve, and from the urgency of her tugging I can tell that she's anxious to talk. <So, how are things between you and Hanako?>
<I'm surprised it took you this long to ask,> I tease. <Before I answer, I want to thank you for giving us the chance to talk last night.>
<Think nothing of it,> she replies, and I can almost feel her pride through her fingers. <Shall I presume from that statement that things went reasonably well?>
I consider the question for a moment before answering. <Yes, I think "reasonably well" is an accurate portrayal of the outcome.>
Shizune pauses for a bit after that. <Is that so? I suppose that's better than it could have been, and considerably better than the worst case. Still, it doesn't seem particularly good, either.>
<I wouldn't go that far. At the very least, she doesn't seem to be upset with me any longer. She seemed more sad last night than anything, at least before her talk with Misha. On that count, it seems Misha was more instrumental in improving her mood last night than I was, or have been of late.>
<I think the opposite is true, too,> my cousin replies. <Misha seems more like her normal self this morning than she has in some time. It seems they found some common ground last night. I'm glad.>
<Hanako thought you might be,> I reply with a smile. <I've always hoped that Hanako would be able to make more friends than just myself. It seems it might have taken my absence for it to happen. Some of that is Hisao's influence, but I can't shake the feeling that I might have been stifling her in some way.>
<I don't think you have,> my cousin says, her strokes becoming more gentle. <I'm not sure exactly what it is about him, but there does seem to be something about Hisao Nakai that brings out the best part of whomever he's with.> My cousin pauses again before adding, <Even I don't seem to be immune to the effect.>
<Is that so?> I ask playfully.
<Don't start,> she replies quickly. <I only meant that he seems to be the only one other than you and Misha that's been willing to work with me as long as he has. I really could have used him on the Student Council. He's halfway to being a member as it is.>
<It's interesting to hear you say that. It almost makes me want to return to my position as class representative just to watch that.>
<Only almost?>
<Yes, only almost. I've decided to forgo such a return so that I might focus on exams this term. I need some time to decide what exams I'm going to take, after all.>
Shizune remains still for a moment. <I assumed you already knew that much.>
<I thought I did. I'm rethinking a lot of things lately, though.>
<You're not going to teach?>
<I still might, I just need to consider carefully whether it's really what I want for myself. This isn't the time to discuss it further, though. Perhaps once everything has settled down, we can talk again. I would very much value your advice on the matter.>
<In that case, I'll be sure to give it to you!> Shizune says, and for that moment I feel like we really have started over again. <For now, though, I need to get back to Yamaku, so I'm going to go help Misha finish packing and loading everything into my mother's car. The Student Council's work is never done, after all!>
<Even on a Sunday?> I ask, knowing full well what the answer will be.
<There are still only two of us, after all, even if Hisao does help out now and then.> Shizune hesitates before adding, <You could do the same, you know.>
<I've already told you my decision, cousin. What makes you think I'd want to come back to the Student Council?>
<You don't have to be a member to help out. Hisao's not a member, either, but he understands what it means to support his school.>
<Hisao again?> I say, not bothering to contain my smile. <You still aren't going to give up on that, are you?>
<Why should I?> Shizune replies, and I can sense the teasing in those words. <I told you, and my mother told you, love doesn't die so easily. It may change form, but it can change back again just as easily.>
<Why, cousin, I never took you to be the romantic type.>
<It's not about romance!> Shizune says, her strokes increasing in intensity again. <It's about you still not wanting to fight for something you want. Are you really satisfied with how everything turned out?>
<Whether I am or not, I've made my choice.>
<Fine, then. Just don't come complaining to me in six months when you realize that you're still perpetuating the biggest mistake of your life.>
<Cousin,> I start, almost ready to start another argument with her. Instead, I let the building tension dissipate and say, <I won't. In the meantime, would you please let Yuuko know that I will be resuming my duties with her in the library?>
<All right, I'll drop the other subject for now.> That means she'll be bringing it up again, but I let it pass this time. <Is there some reason you'll do that but not stop by and help us occasionally?>
<I never said I wouldn't, did I?> Shizune's hands waver just a bit, and I wait for them to be steady again. <Goodbye, cousin. We'll meet again soon.>
<Very well, then,> she replies, then withdraws her hands. As she departs, I hear two other sets of footsteps approaching from the hallway.
"You are both welcome to stay here as long as you wish," my aunt says as she enters the sitting room. "I'm sure Juliane would like to meet you, but she won't be back until tonight."
"I wish I c-could stay, but I can't," Hanako replies. "I h-have...an appointment."
Ah, right, it's Sunday, so she'll be meeting Ms. Takawa. I almost wish I could be there to hear that.
"I understand. Perhaps you'd like to return here before classes start?" I can hear Hanako shifting uncomfortably, but before I can say anything my aunt speaks again. "It's up to you, of course. At least, I hope that you will allow me to drive you back to school with my daughter and her friend."
"Y-yes, Thank you, Ms. Hakamichi."
"Leaving already?" I ask softly.
"Oh, L-Lilly! Um...yes, I n-need to get back for..."
"Yes, I know," I say, as I doubt she's told Aunt Mayoi about her counseling. "Give me a call if you'd like to get together before I come back to the dorm."
"Okay, I will," Hanako says. After a pause she asks, "Do you know...when that will be?"
"Not exactly, but it will be no later than Friday. I'll need to meet with Yuuko and Kamisaka before the start of the term." I hesitate for a moment before putting my next suggestion forward. "If you like, we could have lunch in the tea room that day."
I hear a short, sharp intake of breath before Hanako responds, "A-are you sure about that?"
"As sure as I am about anything of late," I reply with a wry smile. "Since I have the key, I'll be there one way or the other. It would be better if you were there with me."
"Thank you, Lilly. I'll l-let you know. We'll meet again...soon."
"Soon, yes," I reply, and I hear Hanako's footsteps retreat toward the garage. I understand why she wasn't willing to accept my invitation just yet, but I can't help but be disappointed. I also feel a bit sad, and at first I'm not sure why. Then I realize I had been hoping for Hanako to embrace me, the way she's done so often at our meetings and partings during these past months. It's definitely too soon to expect that, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.
The road ahead will indeed be a long one.
Shortly thereafter, I hear Shizune returning, and Misha's voice assaults my senses. "Bye~ Lilly!" As I'm about to answer her, I hear her voice closer, but much softer. "Do you want me to look in~ on Hanako until you come back?"
I smile at Misha. "That's a question you really should be asking Hanako, isn't it?"
"WAHAHA~!" I do my best not to flinch at the sound. "You're right, of course~! Anyway, come back soon!"
After that, I hear Misha's unmistakable loud pattering as she also heads for the garage, but Aunt Mayoi quickly replaces her. "I'll be back shortly, so take care of the house while I'm gone." She lays a hand on my shoulder for a moment before departing for the garage herself.
As the car pulls away, the feeling of being in an empty house starts to weigh on me almost immediately. I have spent more than enough time with my own thoughts recently, but it seems I'll be doing it once again for a bit. To take my mind off the circumstances, I decide to prepare myself a bath. One of the few truly Japanese things that my aunt and her partner left in this house is the bath, and it's also one of the things I will miss most when I return to Yamaku in a few days. After cleaning off, I slowly lower myself into the bath. Letting the scents and sounds permeate my head, I soon relax and let my thoughts drift. All too often, this has been the time I wind up thinking about Hisao, but today the state of my relationship with Hanako occupies my mind.
When I first came to Yamaku, Akira was functionally the only friend I had. While I'd had a number of friends at my previous school, none of them kept in touch with me once I left. I had always been what one would call popular wherever I went, but maybe because of that I never really had any
close relationships outside my family. When I was young, I never felt like I needed more than that, but as I got older and my family began to splinter, I felt it keenly. My relationship with Shizune was already becoming strained due to our family circumstances, a situation that was only exacerbated once I joined the Student Council, where it seemed we were always at odds. Still, it was the only real relationship I had here, so for a long time I stubbornly held onto it for all it was worth.
Then, I met Hanako, and things began to change. I began to feel that, even if my family never reconciled, I would at least forge some deeper bonds outside those. Unfortunately, in my quest to be an ideal friend, deep inside I never stopped trying to be an ideal daughter. I could never bring myself to fully share my heart with Hanako, or with Hisao. I was always being something for someone else, and never tried to be something for me. Now that I
need to do it, I feel adrift, with nothing and no one to ground me. Hisao has gone his own way, and now it's beginning to feel as though Hanako is as well. Like the other day, I'm standing on the edge of that precipice, the echoing of the depths below me threatening to drown out any other sensation.
Only this time, I need to step off...
I quickly get out of the bath before my head spins any faster. Before I can take that plunge, there are some things I need to confirm regarding my family. There's only one person I trust enough to help me do that, and it's still early enough where she is to give her a call. When I'm finished drying off, I wrap a towel around me and make my way to the guest bedroom and my cell phone. Before long, my sister's voice puts my mind at ease.
"Hey, Lils! What's up, kid?"
"Good evening, Akira," I reply, gathering my thoughts as best I can. "Aunt Mayoi and I had some visitors, and they've just left, and I was feeling a bit lonely."
"Visitors, eh? Anyone I know?" my sister says teasingly.
"I think you might," I tease back. "Shizune and Misha were here, allegedly to cheer me up."
"They were, huh? Well, that definitely sounds like Shizune. I understand why you might want to hear a friendly voice."
"Actually, that's not quite it. Hanako came with them."
"Ahhhh, that makes more sense. Does that mean you and Hanako talking again?"
"After a fashion," I say with a sigh. "We're a long way from how things were before I left, but I think the situation has improved significantly."
"That's good to hear, I guess. At least things aren't getting any worse." I hear Akira make a sound like she's stretching. "So is that what you wanted to talk about?"
"No, actually I was thinking about our family." Akira groans, but before she says anything I add, "Something Aunt Mayoi said made me curious, and I was wondering if you might have some insight into it."
"Heh, yeah? All right, then, whatever it is, I'll take a shot at it. Don't expect too much, though."
"I understand, and appreciate anything you might be able to tell me. Last night, Aunt Mayoi gathered the four of us around and told us the story of what happened when Father asked Grandfather for his permission to marry Mother."
"Ah, so she's still dragging out that old chestnut, eh? What caught your ear about it?"
"The part where she mentioned being
summoned from her school in Montreal. She seemed to put particular emphasis on that word, and I wondered if she might have been implying something regarding Father's request for me to emigrate to Scotland."
Akira sighs unhappily. "Lilly, you're asking me to try and figure out our parents' thoughts? That's like asking a cat to figure out why a dog chases it. I mean, I wish I could answer that, I really do, because if I could maybe I'd know why they left us behind in the first place – no, wait, scratch that, because we supposedly know that now, right? You know..." Akira stops for a second, takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Never mind, I'd just start ranting again, and I know you don't want to hear that."
"No, I don't, and I appreciate your restraint. In that case, I suppose I'll have to ask Mother. Is she available, by any chance?"
"Mom, huh? I think she's doing some writing right now."
"Writing? I didn't realize she was working on anything. What kind of project is it?"
"Heh, believe it or not, she's working on an autobiography."
"An autobiography?" I say with a laugh. "What gave her the idea to do that, I wonder?"
"Eh, I think it might partially be because she took all this time off because of her sister. Then you left, so she needed something to do." I feel a twinge of guilt at Akira's words, but only a small one. "But mostly, I think it's because I told her that Uncle Jigoro was working on one of his own." My sister laughs heartily. "You should have heard her talking about how she wasn't about to lose to that...well, my Gaelic isn't up to par, I'm afraid, but whatever she called him I doubt it was anything friendly."
I laugh at that as well. "That does sound like Mother, doesn't it? Well, if that's the sort of mood she's in, perhaps I shouldn't disturb her."
"Well, suit yourself. If you want to know, you're going to have to talk to one of them sooner or later. Anyway, dinner's supposed to be ready any time, so I'd better get going. Tell everyone back there I miss them, okay?"
"I will, and you tell my parents I love them. Oh, and please don't attach any unnecessary comments to it, all right?"
Akira groans in mock anguish. "You really know how to spoil a girl's fun, don't you?" I giggle a little at that. "Talk to you later, sis."
"Goodbye, Akira." I close my phone and lie down on the bed. It was good to hear my sister's voice, but I shouldn't have expected her to know something like this. Still, maybe talking to her about it might nudge her to think of our parents a bit differently. If so, it will have been a worthwhile conversation.
With the house so quiet, I start to drift off to sleep until I hear Aunt Mayoi's car pulling into the garage. Checking my watch, I notice that she was gone quite a while given how short the trip to Yamaku is. I drag myself out of bed and get dressed, and by the time I reach the kitchen she's already preparing tea.
"Ah, Lilly, I'm a bit surprised to see you dressed already," Aunt Mayoi says, sounding ever-so-slightly serious.
"You took longer than I expected," I say, smiling. "I even got to finish my bath without
someone complaining about my singing."
"Well, I did stay a bit longer than I'd intended," Aunt Mayoi replies. "Since I didn't get a chance before, I had a talk with your friend Hanako. She very much lived up to your glowing report on her. I hope the two of you can continue to be good friends, for both your sakes."
"So do I, Aunt Mayoi. So, what did the two of you talk about?"
"Prying, Lilly?" Aunt Mayoi says playfully. "You of all people should know how impertinent that question is."
I sigh theatrically. "Very well, then. I shall allow you to uphold your virtue this time. In exchange," I continue, my voice turning serious, "I have another question I hope you'll answer."
"Of course, if I can," she replies as she sits down, her own voice reflecting the seriousness of my own. "What is it?"
"It's about the story you told us last night, about how you and my father dealt with your own parents. I've heard you tell it before, but I don't think I ever listened quite like I did this time. I suppose I never thought about how it might someday apply to me, but...well, now that you know how things went for me in Scotland, I'm sure you can understand that the word 'summoned' stood out to me. Aunt Mayoi, do you think that your story might have anything to do with what my parents did? Do you think that might be why they wanted me to refuse their summons?"
Aunt Mayoi doesn't say anything for a moment, and when she does her voice is soft. "I can't say for certain, but it wouldn't surprise me. I know that for a long time, my brother resented the fact that I answered my parents' summons. He may still. I didn't realize it at the time, but Sorcha once told me that he was more than willing to defy them back then. I think he secretly wanted the opportunity to stand up to our father, and to cut ties with our family on his own terms rather than have them cut for him. Perhaps he wanted you to have that opportunity, that chance he never had. " Aunt Mayoi pauses again, and I can barely hear her next words. "The chance I took from him."
"We were hoping that you would show your self-sufficiency sooner."
At the time, there were a lot of things about what both Father and Mother told me that I didn't understand. Some of it still feels quite vague, but little by little it's beginning to crystallize. If what Aunt Mayoi says is true, then it's very possible that Father
wanted me to confront him – if not before leaving Japan, then at least that day in his office. I've always avoided such confrontations, because I thought that they were unhelpful at best. It might be a little too late to realize it now, but maybe he was trying to tell me that some things – some people – are worth the trouble. Shizune has been trying to tell me the same thing ever since my return, and I've been avoiding the issue with her as well. Even if they're both right, I'm not sure I'd know where to start. I don't want to disappoint them again.
No, the only way I'd disappoint them now is to maintain the status quo. And I do know where to start.
"In that case, I think I have another call I need to make. Excuse me, Aunt Mayoi."
"I understand. Good luck, then."
"Thank you." I make my way back to the room where I've been staying and bring out my cell phone. For all that I've talked about reconciling, for all that I've thought about reaching out to my family, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite now for trying to avoid this conversation. I take several deep breaths before dialing the number, and given the late hour I'm a bit surprised -- but
only a bit given his habits -- that the person at the other end answers quickly. "Hello?"
"Good evening, Father."
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