4
When she finally got to her room in the dormitory, she closed the door with a firm
ka-thunk behind her and turned the deadbolt immediately. Only then did her breathing begin to relax. It took her several long minutes to calm down, but finally she moved away from the door and settled down on her bed with the letter.
She'd have to apologize to Yuuko later. Now, in the safety of solitude, her fears about Hisao telling Yuuko of their fight seemed almost silly, and certainly irrational. He was a lot of things, but she didn't think he'd gossip about her around school. And even if he did, would she really be so much worse off than she already was?
She pushed that depressing thought aside. She'd just let things get out of control, back there. Her therapist had told her to acknowledge that her fear response was just chemistry, and try to let it pass by instead of feeding into the feelings. But it was so hard in the heat of the moment.
The envelope was still clutched in her hands, Hisao's handwriting staring up at her from its blank front. Now that she was safe in private, she was almost afraid to open it. What if he was still treating her like a child? What if he wrote to her like she was some... worthless... inferior? And what if she went back to him anyway?
If he does that, I'll tear his dumb letter to pieces and throw it in the wastebasket. She was almost surprised at the vehemence of the thought. And before she could have second thoughts, she gave into her curiosity, ripped open the envelope, and dumped its contents out on the bed. Inside were two sheets of paper, filled with his blocky handwriting. The letter began:
Dear Hanako,
There are not words to describe how sorry I am for how I have treated you these past weeks. I'm an idiot... but I guess you already knew that.
I should've realized what I was doing to you, since I'd already had it done to me during my time in the hospital after my heart attack. I received more pitying looks and helpful visits during that time than I could stomach, especially from the girl I thought I loved. After my heart attack, I stopped being a person to her and became a broken burden to carry, and then bit by bit, to drop when I became too heavy. I wasn't without blame for her leaving, but I can't deny that when it came, it came as a relief. Looking back, I can see how bitter I was at my situation, and most of all at how she looked at me after my accident.
So I think I might understand a bit of what you felt when you shouted at me the other night.
This was not what Hanako had expected at all. She'd thought he might make excuses, try again to persuade her to accept his “help”. Not this... confession. He'd never told her any of this before. She had sensed some of it behind his silences, maybe, but not the whole of it. Not even close. He always seemed so... confident. Centered. Was it possible he could truly understand what it was like?
I think that's why I was attracted to you from the start...
She stopped, going back over the line to make sure she hadn't misread. Her heart was in her throat.
He was attracted to
her? She fought down the silly smile that crept onto her face, then started over to read the whole paragraph.
I think that's why I was attracted to you from the start... I saw something in you that was also in me. But instead of opening up to you as I should have, I hid my own past and took advantage of your problems to make me feel better about my own. I thought I was protecting you, but I was only using you to hide from my own issues. And in doing so, I treated you as less than a person... like some broken thing to be nursed back to health. I was wrong, and I realize that now.
Two nights ago, this ended with me intruding into your private space at your most difficult time and pushing you past your breaking point. I was being the worst kind of jerk, and I deserved your anger.
Hanako felt tears well up unbidden. It shocked her that he would just... admit everything, without any excuses and without asking her for anything in return. It was too raw, it hurt to read. Taking another deep breath, she went on.
I think you're an amazing person, Hanako. You're stronger than you think. I haven't gone through half of what you did, and that was hard enough. You suffered far more than I have, and you're still standing. I never should have stopped believing in you after what happened in class. You've survived far worse, and I should have trusted you.
It's only now that I've lost you that I realize how much I care about you. I tried to bottle it up after what happened in class, tried to become a caretaker you didn't want or need. I should have told you how I felt, instead. I see now that I made a terrible mistake.
For pressuring you last night, for hiding myself from you while demanding you share your feelings with me, and most of all for treating you as less than a person, I am truly sorry.
With my sincerest apologies,
Hisao
Hanako found herself laughing through her tears, sobbing, then laughing some more.
I didn't lose him forever. He still cares about me. How can he still care about me, after what I said?
And then...
He understands. Somebody else knows what it's like.
It almost didn't seem real. She wiped her tears on her sleeve, then realized she'd spilled some on the letter. The teardrops pooled into the page, making dark spots and blurring the ink. She dabbed at them with her sleeve, then set the letter down, taking slow breaths to calm herself, until her tears dried.
Then she started reading the letter again, first in fragments, then the whole letter from the beginning. And something dawned on her. Nowhere in the letter did he ask her to meet with him, or call him, or anything. It took her a moment to realize why: It was out of respect. She'd as much as said she never wanted to talk to him again. She let out a groan at that, thinking again of the words she'd said and how much it must have hurt him to hear them.
So he would let her be the one to approach him, if she wanted to talk. And part of her did want to, so badly it hurt.
But some other part of her still screamed caution. In the initial rush of emotions after reading his letter, she'd wanted nothing more than to run to the boy's dormitory right away and knock on Hisao's door. Now that they were fading to a soft glow, she began to think things over more carefully.
Underneath the words of Hisao's letter, there was something else. She was almost sure of it. A hope for more than friendship. She'd forgiven him for his actions, but...
That thought stopped her in her tracks. She'd forgiven him? Already? Just like that? Then the words of his letter floated back through her mind, and she realized that... yes. Yes, she had.
But, she realized reluctantly, forgiving him didn't mean she trusted him again. Or... trusted herself, with him. It had been so easy to let herself depend on him and Lilly completely, and to hate herself for it. Even now, the temptation was strong to go right back to that. How much harder would it be to resist if they were... more than friends?
Just thinking of that possibility sent a warm rush of feelings up her chest. Part of her, the same part she'd come to recognize as the love-starved, forlorn puppy which had leaped into Lilly's doting arms a year ago, wanted nothing more than to jump at this chance. She'd never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy. What would it be like, she wondered?
She viciously stamped down her fantasies before they could build. This was why she had to stay away from him, even now, even after his beautiful letter. She had to keep her distance. Until...
Until? Until what?
Until you don't need him anymore, came the answer in return.
That sounded so cold. Could she really leave him like that after what he'd written to her? Wouldn't she be abandoning him just like she'd so often feared he would abandon her? Wasn't there any way they could just be friends, like before? She felt a familiar stirring of frustration with him. Why did he have to make everything so hard? Just like when they first met and he wouldn't stop trying to talk to her, until she began to look forward to their conversations rather than dreading them... And even then, they'd still been awkward and hesitant, like climbing a ten-foot wall just to catch a glimpse of each other over the edge.
I don't know what to do, Mama. I want to go to him, but I don't think I should. What would you tell me to do?
“Live.”
Before she could stop herself, her mind flashed again to her last memories of Mama. The breath caught in her throat, and she could almost smell the acrid smoke, could almost hear the house groaning as the fire ate away at it. Mama had been weeping, repeating that word again and again as the flames swept over them, as if she could will it into being. “Live.”
I've tried, Mama. I've tried so hard. I shouldn't be such a worthless person. You sacrificed yourself for me, and I've done nothing with the life you gave me. I'm no use to anyone. I might as well not exist. It's all my fault. The familiar litany coursed through her mind, and she choked on a sob as it devolved further until she buried her face in the pillow, and until eventually it had dribbled down to one, hopeless word, over and over again.
Mama. Mama. Mama.
* * *
This time, something different came in the wake. Somewhere, deep down, she began to feel a sense of determination she couldn't remember experiencing since she was a small child. As she opened her eyes and stared at the blank ceiling, she turned the feeling over, examined it, prodded at it like a kitten with a strange new toy. Where was it coming from? Slowly she realized she still had Hisao's letter in her hand, now slightly crumpled, and she smoothed it out as best she could.
She thought back to her breakdown in class in front of Hisao and Misha and Shizune. That was the moment. That was when it had gone wrong, and Hisao had stopped believing in her. She had been on the verge of proving something to herself. Something important. But then... he'd mentioned her birthday... and it had all come tumbling back, and... everything had been ruined.
Where had she found the strength to join their group that day? Could she do it again?
The beginnings of a plan began to form in her mind. It was something she'd considered before, after many overheard conversations in class had piqued her interest. She'd never had the courage to try. But maybe if there was one person who believed in her... maybe she could... give it one chance. And see.
Then, with a sinking feeling, she realized she also needed to talk to Hisao. It would be horrible and unfair to ignore him after he'd poured out his feelings. It just wasn't right. That meant she would have to... make him understand, somehow. Set boundaries. She put her head in her hands. What was she thinking, setting herself up for not one, but two difficult conversations? She couldn't do this. It was too hard.
Then she reached down to feel for that sense of determination she'd captured a few minutes ago, and surprisingly... found it was still there. It would be hard, yes, but... She could do it. Because she had to. Her tears, now cold, were still wet on her face, and she wiped them off, feeling the beginnings of a small smile form on her lips.
With her hands shaking, she reached down to pick up her purse and get out her cell phone.
