War on Dreams ; Hisao/Suzu (W.I.P)

[Mohn Jadden]

To: Zephyr14@unix.com
Subject: S Job
It’s on.
---
Raindrops pattered against a wide window, driven on by coastal winds. The view revealed by the paned glass would’ve been majestic, overlooking the bay near Kyoto, if the low-lying clouds hadn’t done their best in concealing it. Instead, it only made the urban sprawl look gloomier, cast in neutral gray. A striking comparison to how disconnected modern society has come.

Cars, feeding the clouds above, zoomed off to parts unknown, driven by people unknown. One of these cars was different, a black sedan. It paid no heed to the speed limit as it zoomed, nearly hitting a few cars on it’s strange, meandering path through the sparse city streets. The car stopped beneath the window. 4 men got out, carrying duffel bags, and they each slowly filtered into the lobby of the tall apartment building.
Meanwhile, inside the hotel room, it seemed as if the two forms under Morpheus’s influence could care less about anything outside of them. They shared their dreams as they played underneath the stars. Her muted green eyes lay hidden beneath her closed eyelids. They slept here, holding each other as if it would keep them together, forever.

“-not a problem, keep moving.” Squaked one of the men’s earpieces as they made their way up in an elevator. None of them knew each other, they didn’t know each other’s names, and they had no idea what lay behind the masks each of them had put on. What they did know, however, was a room number, a target, and an escape plan.

They each checked their guns, non-lethal, of course. The contractor didn’t want any attention brought to their ‘questionably’ legal business practices. The click-clacks soon subsided as they each became satisfied with the weapon’s condition. “No noise.” Had been detailed multiple times in their short briefing.
“Voice check.” One of the men said, voice digitally altered. The other 3 echoed back. “Check.”

The man lying in the bed stirred a bit, tearing his face from his lover’s gaze. He was clean-shaven, dirty blond hair dispersed itself among his unconscious features. The girl on the other hand had short, subdued turquoise hair, her bangs steering clear of her unaware eyes. Her face was framed by the pillow she seemed connected to.
Her ears fluttered a bit as they filtered dialogue coming from the room over.
“…protesters of the worldwide ban of ‘Shared Dream Submergence’ or SDS, continue to gather around the capitol building today. Prime Minister Shinzo has been adamant about his opposal to the technology, quote “It can only be used as a tool for subversion and trickery, and not…”…”
The tinny voice ceased as the TV was turned off.

The 4 men passed through the hallways, not concerned with interference this late at night. They passed by a slightly open door, inside, a man spun a top, gun in hand. He didn’t concern himself with the footfalls of the men outside. They rounded a corner, their target was at the end of the hall.

The man lying in bed stirred, then sat up, conscious. Something was wrong, it seemed like normal paranoia just like any other.
Or was it? His mind echoed as he looked at the woman sleeping next to her.
Her nose wrinkled slightly, a response to an acrid odor making it’s way underneath the door. Now he could sense it. The smell of burning? No, it was different, like some sort of chemical. It was accompanied with a small hissing sound, emanating from the door.

Outside, the rain grew in tempo, smacking against the glass harder and harder, drowning out the quiet work of the 4 men outside of the door.
The man carefully reached for his nightstand, keeping his eye on the door. He fumbled his hands around for the familiar, boxy shape. He grasped it, his fingers wrapping themselves around the handle, almost instinctively.

One of the 4 men operating a chemical cutter gave the others a short, curt hand-signal. He stepped back, placing the cutter back from whence it came. One of the others, his burly frame stepping forward, took position on the left of the door.
The man inside the room, or rather trapped inside, brought his hand out infront of him, pointing the black form at the door. It was hard to see in the darkness, but he knew it well. A simple 9mm pistol, a tool for defense, or for killing. Those two functions seemed to be one in the same at the moment.
He could see the light of the hallway being blocked by the feet of the unknown burglars. His heart rate increased rapidly, which would’ve threatened him in the past, if not for his new medications.
His glance was deflected over to the sleeping form next to him, she looked so peaceful. Their exit was blocked, the only other one would end in certain death. He was going to make a stand.

The burly man outside of the door extended three fingers to the others.

The afraid man’s lipped moved, silently expressing a phrase.

I’ve got this. I’ve got this. She’s safe.

He was deluding himself.

His heart stopped as the door slowly creaked open. His finger wrapped around the trigger, pressing down slightly.
It opened further, he could see the form of a man now.
He was about to shoot, he was ready. But before he could, a distinct sound of pressurized release could be heard, accentuated with something landing in his chest. Before he had time to cry out, a sudden feeling of overwhelming exhaustion overcame him, empathizing with the girl next to him.

His finger slipped off the trigger, the gun fell to the ground. He teetered, his muscles weakening by every second. Eventually he collapsed backward, making a commotion as he knocked over a lamp. The cracking of the light-bulb echoed into his ears.

He could vaguely see a group of men entering his apartment. Their apartment. One of them came over to him, making sure he was out. A large man walked over to his bed, on the other side.

No…

His mind echoed that phrase, as if it could change what was about to happen.
The large man knelt down, and took a sleeping girl in his arms. She looked so fragile.
Not Suzu… His mind rambled as he finally succumbed to the mysterious sedative.

[Mohn Jadden]

Looking at this, I seem to have a problem with length.

Also it might be shit.

[Mirage_GSM]

The view revealed by the paned glass would’ve been majestic, overlooking the bay near Kyoto, if the low-lying clouds hadn’t done their best in concealing it.

It probably would also have helped if Kyoto wasn't an inland city

Not quite sure what this is about yet, but the frequent changes of perspective - sometimes without proper indication - are a bit annoying.

A few typos:

His mind echoed as he looked at the woman sleeping next to her.

Those two functions seemed to be one in the same at the moment.

The afraid man’s lipped moved, silently expressing a phrase.

[AntonSlavik020]

I'll say this much, it's different. I didn't mind the change in perspective changes too much. I think it can work in a prologue sort of thing. Just don't keep doing it for every chapter, as it would get old fast.

[edward_low]

nearly hitting a few cars on its strange, meandering path through the sparse city streets. The car stopped beneath the window. four men got out

it's -> it is
and you'd generally want to spell out numbers that are less than four digits.

[Mohn Jadden]

I'll say this much, it's different. I didn't mind the change in perspective changes too much. I think it can work in a prologue sort of thing. Just don't keep doing it for every chapter, as it would get old fast.

Yeah, I would've posted the second chapter I wrote, but it's on a second computer. I'll fix the spelling errors on the FanFiction page, since that's usually where I update first.

Anyway, don't worry. I won't change the perspective this often here on, out. I'll change the perspective between Suzu and Hisao, however. Those will be seperate chapters. I guess from the feedback so far I can see what problems I have, I don't proofread well. I'll make sure to change this for further chapters.

Thanks for your input!