azumeow wrote:
I know these words will come off as hollow from behind a computer. But I feel the need to say them nonetheless: you are not unwanted. You may feel this way. The people around you may treat you this way, but you are not. I felt this way about myself for a long time. I never identified as trans, but I suffered from gender identity issues for a while. I considered severe self-mutilation to "fix" the "problem." I was able to reconcile my gender identity without being transgender, but I know many people do not have the luxury of doing so. I have had transgender friends, and their words ring true and they echo what you are saying. I had one try to kill herself because she was so depressed.
As for the antidepressants, I understand how you're feeling. I lost a few friends from dropping that bomb. Wasn't pretty, wasn't fun. But in the end, it was well worth it. The anti-depressants that I take are the only reason I can even get up in the morning at this point, and even that's not always a thing that happens. If they don't help within 6-8 weeks (it's a long time, but that's how long it can end up taking) don't get discouraged. It can take a long time to even find one that works for you, and that's only if you're super unlucky. I got lucky and my first prescription did wonders.
As for the suicidal thoughts, I know a few words and a comforting little essay won't stop that. But you should be aware that there are crisis hotlines available 24/7 if you need them, both by phone and by computer. I was chatting with a "hope coach" from 4-5 AM after I had a fight with my ex and I started feeling suicidal. It helped a LOT. And if you can open up to them, they're very helpful. They don't judge (at least they never have for me) and they try to offer advice, but at the same time are also willing to just let you vent. Just remember: suicide just means that the last thoughts you have will be terrible. Not doing it at least gives you a shot at life getting better. It takes hard, hard work to crawl back to the surface after you've fallen far enough, believe me. It's been five years and I'm still only a few feet from the point of no return. But I'm climbing. Sometimes you just have to put on foot in front of the other, even if it hurts and you can't see relief. I've had to do that literally and figuratively, and each time it only helped. Yes, it was painful, but the relief I got when I reached my destination was beyond worth it.
I am, though. Physically. I've just consistently been reminded of this. Over and over. The only people dont reject me for those reasons are the types who arent actually attracted to me, but to the hope that I'd be able to fix them entirely. I know I'm hard on myself and really feel I'm unwanted, but I keep moving forward however I can. While I'm not in the best position, I do have my own place and a crappy job I keep working. Its a problem I'll address after I finish transition, but I have not given up on everything. And yet I keep running into those who have. They convince themselves that if they had someone, they'd be able to do everything instantly. They want someone to rescue them, and dump their entire life onto like a responsibility. It's all kinds of wrong. But these are the only people that dont run screaming. And it hurts and feels horribly guilty to say no to someone that claims to want me then proceeds to say theyre upper 20s, never had a job, no hobbies, have no passion for anything, say they'll like whatever I like, and feel that being told to love someone and making them your only purpose for living is the same as loving them. So when I say I'm unwanted, I mean that this is the only kind of person that wants me how I am now. The rest want some alternative version of me that is more attractive or is, as they've often put it, a "real girl" like what I am isn't even human. I'm just part. A quality part, as they were often drawn in by that, but missing what I would need to be wanted. Something I cant fix.
SpunkySix wrote:
I take a sort of antidepressant, and I can say that personally, it doesn't fix everything, but it does help. The chances of it going wrong are super small and they basically only say that it's possible for legal reasons. If you don't mind saying, what kind are you using?
I'm not sure, I havent started yet.
