Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

[bhtooefr]

You know, having re-read the last chapter... the thing that strikes me about how Hanako and Hisao interact, versus Lilly and Hisao, and Emi and Hisao's interactions... is how natural and balanced they are.

They truly feel like equals that trust one another, really (and aren't afraid to admit that they're damaged people, drawn together by subtleties that they are not aware of... OK, OK, I'm sorry), while Lilly still keeps trying to put herself in the mother hen role and refuses to let others take her burdens, and Emi is of course incapable of letting others take her burdens.

[Guest Poster]

I agree with Blank Mage. The reason this fic seems to elicit so many comments is, without a doubt, the fact that it pitches multiple shipping camps against each other without permanently taking a side. (so far) That's always good for conversation, since it gives people room to argue about something rather than merely analyze what happened. In most fics, the question is either 'will they or won't they?' and most of the time the fic's title (when it's a route) already answers that question. The fact that we're this far into the story and it's still not clear how exactly it'll end does it credit.

You know, having re-read the last chapter... the thing that strikes me about how Hanako and Hisao interact, versus Lilly and Hisao, and Emi and Hisao's interactions... is how natural and balanced they are.

They truly feel like equals that trust one another, really (and aren't afraid to admit that they're damaged people, drawn together by subtleties that they are not aware of... OK, OK, I'm sorry), while Lilly still keeps trying to put herself in the mother hen role and refuses to let others take her burdens, and Emi is of course incapable of letting others take her burdens.

To be honest, Emi and Hisao used to be at that point as well not too long ago. (when Hisao and Hanako were as awkward around one another as Hisao and Emi are now) I suspect that if Hanako ends up talking to Emi, she'll probably let Emi in on a little bit of her past that makes Emi realize there are others who have lost loved ones and not everybody is letting that keep them from letting others get close. That revelation will either shame Emi into throwing the fight altogether or, more likely, inspire her to get back into the race.

[dewelar]

I watch Hisao leave for his meeting with Lilly, and finally feel like I can breathe again. As I put away the chess set, I find that I can't keep myself from smiling in a way that I haven't in as long as I can remember. Despite my misgivings about that meeting, and about what's happened over these past few weeks, one change has made all the difference to me.

This time, HE kissed ME.

Just when I thought I'd dug myself a hole too deep to climb out, I looked up and found I could still see not just daylight, but Hisao lowering a rope. If I can just be patient enough not to rush myself climbing back up, I might just reach him after all.

Still, there are a couple of small clouds trying to block that daylight. The first is that meeting with Lilly, which will only be a problem if Hisao isn't being honest with me about his feelings for her. Still, I need to be absolutely sure he's over her – I need to know that I'm not just his second choice because he can't have her. That's...why I had to let him meet with her.

As I work on cleaning up, I walk over to the window, and I think back to what things were like when the two of them were together. I would sit in the library, or in my room, or sometimes even here in the tea room, imagining the kind of things they were doing together. Sometimes, I didn't need to imagine, but I prefer not to think about that now. I thought I was happy for them, and I probably would have gone on thinking that for the rest of my life if fate hadn't intervened. I think that I might have been what I've heard called "living vicariously" through Lilly. Now, I still wonder what they're doing, just for a different reason.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about this...

The second cloud in my field of vision is the situation with Emi. I'm not sure what's happening with her, but the fact that she's been pushing Hisao away is bothering me more than I thought it would. Even though she and I are both pursuing Hisao, I've found myself less and less able to think of Emi as a threat. Ever since that day we talked in the library, when we promised each other not to give up on Hisao, I've come to hope that we can be friends someday. However, if she's breaking that promise now...well, I wish I knew her well enough to say for certain.

That's the other reason I want to go and see Emi. The main reason, though, is that she showed concern for me the other day, and I can't do any less for her. If I can help her the way she helped me then, maybe the possibility of that friendship will grow a little. Maybe it will even be enough to show Lilly that I'm capable of being that kind of friend for her, too.

More and more lately, I find myself actually wanting to spend time with people, or at least with some people. For so long, I thought everyone was always going to treat me as either someone to be pitied, someone to be shunned, or someone to be tormented. These past few months have shown me that while that's still true most of the time, the number of people who don't see me as any of those things might not be as small as I thought. As poorly as I was treated by my former friends after the accident, I now want to show my own friendship to others, like those people didn't to me. Hisao already knows, and maybe someday soon so will Lilly, and Emi, and who knows who else besides.

Maybe someday I can show my former friends that I'm something better than they thought I could be...

When I come back to reality, I notice that I've been staring out the window for quite a while. I take the saucer that I've been wiping for who knows how long and put it away with the rest of the tea things. After taking one last look, and one last deep breath, I start on my way back to the dormitory.

As I enter the building, I realize the main flaw in my plan: I have no idea where Emi's room is. I cautiously make my way through the hallways until I reach the nearest common room. When I look inside, the only person there is a familiar figure sitting in an equally familiar chair. I've only met Misaki Kawana a few times; although she's in the same class I am, we'd never spoken at all until I joined the newspaper club. Since she's in the photography club, she often works with us and comes to our staff meetings when she can. I'd always been curious about the odd chair she used in class, and now that I know about her scoliosis I'm not surprised she has one here as well.

At least she's someone I know. That makes this a little bit easier.

"M-Misaki?" I call out, already cursing myself for sounding so timid.

Misaki turns her chair to face me, and I notice that she's working on a laptop computer. "Oh, Hanako? I almost didn't hear you back there. What are you doing over here?" Her look turns slightly sour as she continues, "Did the press gang send you here? I thought they were still off in Osaka or somewhere."

"No, I...I w-was just looking for...Emi Ibarazaki's room. Do you know...where it is?"

Misaki blinks at me a couple of times. "Why are you looking for Emi?" she asks in an odd tone. "This isn't about Nakai, is it?"

How does she know about that?

Oh, right, rumor mill.

Fighting the urge to back away, my voice further betrays my nervousness. "I...I..."

Steady now...the something I've got to go do means I need this answer...

Misaki looks at me with something approaching pity, and bile starts to rise in my mouth. It's enough to yank me back from the brink, at least for the moment. "N-not...really. I was j-just looking for her..."

"Oh, okay. Well, her room's the second one on the right down that hallway," Misaki says with a wave of her hand. "I haven't seen her all day, but if she's not there Tezuka probably knows where she is. Her room's the first one on that side."

"Oh..." Tezuka Rin...Rin Tezuka...one person to whom I'd hoped I'd never have to talk. Even Lilly was daunted by the prospect of having to make sense of what she said. The last time we met was before Lilly's first trip to Scotland, and I couldn't even open my mouth. I'm not particularly confident I could do it now, either.

"You all right, Hanako?" Misaki asks, and I can hear the change in her voice, and I see the look of pity returning to her eyes. No doubt she remembers the attacks I used to have in class, and is scared to be triggering one herself now. That thought almost makes me feel a bit sorry for Misaki.

"It's...fine. I'll go...talk to...Tezuka."

If anything, the pity in Misaki's eyes deepens. "Good luck with that, then," she says, then turns back to her computer screen. I walk away, hoping against hope that Emi is in her room and I won't actually have to attempt communication with Tezuka.

And when did I start treating it like making contact with an alien species? Even if it does seem appropriate...

I giggle a bit to myself at that thought as I make my way slowly down the hall. I notice that the door to Tezuka's room is open a crack, so I stop in front of it, listening. It's quiet enough that I can hear what sounds like a faint sweeping sound from within. That means she's there and probably working on something, so now I'm really hoping Emi's in her room. Unfortunately, those hopes are dashed when there's no answer to my knocking. I knock a second time, this time calling "Emi, it's Hanako," as loudly as I can manage, but there's still no response. I cast a glance at the door I just passed, take a couple of deep breaths, and slowly but steadily walk back to it.

When I get there, I anxiously peek through the slight opening in the door. The first thing I notice is the desk, which looks a lot more well-organized than I'd expect from an artist. On the wall behind it are some paintings, which might or might not be Tezuka's work. They're definitely some sort of abstract work, but my knowledge of art is almost as limited as my knowledge of what I'm doing here right now...

WhatthehellamIdoinghererightnow...

I again fight down the urge to bolt, but almost lose the fight when a voice floats out from behind the door saying, "Hello out there." I freeze in place, and Tezuka continues, "Whoever you are, if you're here to watch me paint, you'll have a better chance at it if you open the door the rest of the way."

Watch her paint? Oh...right...

I've never actually seen Tezuka at work, but I've heard about her rather...unorthodox technique from Hisao. While I think it probably would be interesting to watch, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable doing so. The fact that Tezuka herself seems perfectly comfortable with the idea makes the prospect even more daunting. Still, I do want to find out where Emi is, so I swallow hard and slowly push the door open.

The scene in front of me is a bit surreal. Tezuka is sitting in the middle of the floor, a paintbrush tucked between the toes of her right foot, with several small jars of paint surrounding her in a seemingly haphazard manner. In front of her is a hanging scroll attached to the wall, on which she is painting something that looks, for lack of a better word, normal. Having seen the mural she painted for the Yamaku festival and the works hanging on her wall, I'm impressed that she can also paint a more traditional scene like this.

Wait...that's rin'pa...isn't it?

As I'm standing there transfixed, I catch Tezuka turning her head slowly to face me. At first she says nothing, but then her eyebrows shoot up and she exclaims, "Oh! The mystery toilet girl!"

Mystery...what?

Rather than try and decode what she means, I launch myself into the conversation with, "I'm...Hanako Ikezawa. I-I'm...pretty sure we've met before..."

"Have we? I would think I'd remember that, but then I'm good at forgetting things. We've been in the same place at the same time, though. Is that the same as having met, do you think? I didn't think so, but maybe it is. Anyway, I'm Rin Tezuka."

"I...know that."

Tezuka's head bobs as I say that. "You do? So I guess we have met. Unless you're a mindreader, too. Of course, you do hang around with Hisao a lot, so maybe he taught you."

My head is already starting to ache a bit from trying to follow her half of the conversation. It's probably best to just get right to the point. "I...was looking for E-Emi Ibarazaki, and...someone told me y-you might know where I can find her."

Tezuka looks around her slowly and methodically, then replies, "She's not here, unless she's found a way to turn herself invisible. It looks like she left my lunch here, so that means she was here. I'm pretty sure I ate the lunch she brought yesterday, so that's probably a new one." She turns to face me and looks at me appraisingly. "Although you did remind me of something."

Even though I dread what the answer might be, I ask anyway. "What's that?"

"That I haven't had anything to eat yet today. I probably should, or Emi will probably yell at me about it. Actually, that might not be a bad thing, but I should eat anyway. Was that why you were looking for her?"

I give Tezuka an appraising look of my own. "No, I...already had lunch," I say, hoping that was the right answer. "I-I was just...worried about her."

"You probably shouldn't tell her that," Rin says, turning back to her scroll. "She doesn't like people doing that for her. That's what I do. Not tell her."

"I know. That's why she's...not talking to Hisao either, I think."

When I say this, Rin's head quickly pivots toward me, a troubled look in her eyes. "That's not good," she says plainly. "She needs to be talking to him."

That was an odd response, and for a moment I wish I was willing to wade more deeply into this thicket to find out what she means. Instead, I just nod and say, "That's...w-why I'm trying to find her."

Rin looks thoughtful. "Hmmm...if she's not here, and not in her room, she probably went home. It's break, so the only time I know where she's going to be is in the morning. She runs at the track then, so if you really want to talk to her that's where and when you need to be."

When she's running...with Hisao?

I don't think talking to her when Hisao's there is going to work, so I'll have to try and catch her on the way to or from the track. I won't be able to do that tomorrow, because I have my appointment with Miss Yumi. That means it will have to be Monday. I just hope things don't deteriorate further in the meantime.

"Thanks," I say, waving at Tezuka, who's gone back to working on her scroll. She doesn't acknowledge the gesture, so I'm not certain she saw or heard me at all. Taking the opportunity, I watch as she deftly wields the brush between her toes, doing fine detailing on the scroll that I doubt I could ever manage myself. If anything, she seems to be moving more quickly than when I came in, and there's an odd urgency to her movements.

I'm not sure how long I stand there fascinated by the tableau before me, but after a while Tezuka looks over, an odd smile on her lips. She holds my gaze for only a split second before closing her eyes, nodding, and turning back to her work. My reverie broken, I quickly make my way back through the hallways toward my own room.

Once I get back, I notice that even though it seems like I just had lunch with Hisao, it's already been several hours, and the sun is starting to set. My stomach apparently did notice, so I set about looking through my convenience store purchases from the other day. The return trip had been nerve-wracking, between trying to balance my bags and umbrella and resisting the urge to hide every time a car passed, but in hindsight it may have been less scary than the conversation I just had with Tezuka.

My supplies gathered, I set out on my trek to the common room, but as I close my door I hear sounds of movement coming from Lilly's room. I do my best to beat back the part of my brain that wants to think the wrong thing, and remind myself that Lilly's things were supposed to be arriving from Scotland today, and so she's probably just unpacking. I consider trying to see if she needs help, but decide against it and resume heading for the common room. My anxiety tries to reassert itself, causing me to wonder if Hisao might be helping instead, but it only serves to make me feel a little ashamed of myself for thinking that way.

If I let myself keep thinking like that, then anything I've gained of late will be undone.

When I've finished eating, I do my best to immerse myself in a book. It's a struggle, though, because every few minutes I find myself listening for more sounds from Lilly's room, but not hearing any. I think the silence bothers me more than anything I heard, or might hear. As it so often has, the feeling of constantly being on edge quickly exhausts me, and I soon find myself drifting off to sleep.

In the midst of dozing off, I jerk awake, thinking I heard the sound of someone crying nearby. Immediately, I listen for the sound again, but now all I hear is the sound of my own heart beating. After staying still for a few moments to let myself calm down, I close my book and turn off the light. It takes a while for me to fall back to sleep, but eventually I do.

* * * *

The next morning I wake up as early as possible, intending to make my weekly dash for the bathroom. Every other day over the break I can wait to take my shower, but Sunday mornings are my meetings with Miss Yumi. I get my things together and walk out of my room, hoping I'm early enough to avoid meeting with...

"Morning, Ikezawa."

That's...did she just say something to me?

I flinch at the familiar voice of my hallmate, Yoshimura, who is also coming out of her room, shower caddy in hand. Normally, we'd just ignore each other, so today is already unusual. Besides that, her presence is almost as intimidating as Shizune's, despite the fact that she's barely bigger than Emi.

"G-good morning...Yoshimura."

Yoshimura tilts her head, looking surprised, before breaking into an odd smile. "Hey, I got a response from the Hermit of Yamaku. Must be my lucky day."

Hermit of Yamaku? Well, I suppose I might deserve that one, but between that and "Mystery Toilet Girl" I'm beginning to wonder what other things people call me. "But...y-you never talk to me, either..."

Yoshimura rolls her eyes at me. "That's because I gave up after trying about a hundred times last year."

That much is true, too. At first, it was because I didn't talk to anyone, and later because I overheard her saying things about Lilly that I didn't appreciate. I'm not even sure why I'm talking to her now, but here I am. "What made you...try again?"

Her smile changes a bit at my question. "A friend of mine told me that you didn't like me very much. I kinda knew that, but hearing it straight out like that made me wonder why. As far as I know, I never did anything to you but try and talk to you, so..."

"Why don't you like Lilly?" I nearly shout, interrupting her mid-sentence.

Yoshimura looks at me for a second, then laughs. "So, that's what it's about? You don't like me because I don't like your friend? Okay, I guess everyone needs a reason. You wanna know why I don't like her? I don't like her because she acts like she thinks she's better than everyone else, and because I don't think I've ever seen her show a real emotion the whole time she's lived here. That kind of person and me aren't gonna get along, so that's that."

"Th-that's not what she's like," I say, automatically jumping to Lilly's defense. Even as I say it, though, I realize that she could very easily seem that way sometimes. After all, there are still times when I feel like she thinks she's better than I am.

Including the other day...

Yoshimura doesn't budge, though. "See, that's because you know her. She took the time to figure you out. It's not like she invited me into her room for a chat every night for a month until I became her lunch buddy." She dismisses me with a wave of her hand as she walks past me towards the bathroom. "Anyway, I'm going to take my shower. You can go back into your room and wait for me like you do every other day if you want."

Unable to say anything in response, I stare at her retreating back, knowing I'm going to do exactly what she said I would.

One step forward, two steps back...

I step back into my room and close the door, then lean backwards against it. I'm disappointed in myself not just for being unable to face Yoshimura beyond what I did, but also for how I handled asking her about Lilly. After all these months of imagining how I'd finally do it, I wound up just randomly blurting it out in the middle of our first real conversation...and then she laughed at me over it. Even worse, when she answered me, all it did was feed my own insecurities over my relationship with Lilly.

And yet, despite all that, I actually feel pretty good about things. I was able to talk to Yoshimura without wanting to run and hide. I was able to do the same with both Misaki and Tezuka yesterday. On top of that, something Yoshimura said reminded me of the events that began all of this.

"It's not like she invited ME into her room for a chat every night for a month until I became her lunch buddy."

It wasn't all that long ago that I really did need Lilly's help, sometimes even just to come out of my room in the morning. She's done so much for me in the past year, I just wanted to do the same for her, but then when a chance seemed to present itself, rather than emulating her efforts with me I tried to force the issue. Then, I chose not to try and mend that fence last night...

Maybe there's still a chance to fix this mistake, too...

It's too early to try and talk to Lilly now. I'll have to try and talk to her after I get back from my appointment. If nothing else, maybe I can convince her to come to the tea room, and we can all try and come to terms with this.

I'm so wrapped up in those thoughts that I nearly miss the sound of Yoshimura coming back down the hall and entering her room. I quickly gather my things again, rush more than I probably should through my shower and other necessities, and nearly run down to the auxiliary building. I couldn't bring myself to keep last week's appointment with Miss Yumi, because I couldn't face how I'd handled my confession to Hisao. This time, it's my relationship with Lilly that's more troubling, but in spite of what I used to think, I can't hide from these things forever. Today, I think I'm as prepared as I can be to discuss all of this with her.

I arrive at Miss Yumi's office and knock on the door. She calls for me to enter, and our ritual begins. With everything that's changed for me over these past few weeks, it's comforting to enter this room and have it feel exactly the same as it did when I last came here. The furniture, the décor, everything right down to Miss Yumi herself never seems to change.

"Good day, Miss Hanako."

Including that greeting.

"Good day, Miss Yumi," I say, returning her bow and smiling.

"May I have the honor of getting you some tea, Miss Hanako?"

"I humbly accept, Miss Yumi." Once my bowl of tea has been placed in my hands, I continue, "I'm...sorry I couldn't be here last week."

"There is no need for you to apologize, Miss Hanako. These sessions are for your benefit, and the choice of whether or not to attend is yours. Shall we begin?"

"Yes, please," I say, moving to sit on the zabuton placed in front of the table, where the goban is already prepared. I place my first stone on the board, and the next part of the session begins.

"You appear to be well today, Miss Hanako."

"Thank you. I'm...feeling much better than last week."

"Excellent. It is a shame that you did not have the opportunity to travel with your friends. Did how you felt affect that decision?"

There's no sense in being evasive or denying how things happened at this point. "Actually...I stayed here so that...I might spend time with Hisao."

"Ah, yes, Mister Nakai. I recall during our last session that you were concerned about your growing feelings for him. Should I presume that your relationship with him has changed since our last conversation?"

I pick up my stone to play it, but hesitate. Has my relationship with Hisao changed in these past two weeks? I think so, but I'm not sure it's in a way that I can define. We've grown closer, sure, but I can't call us boyfriend and girlfriend, at least not yet. I look across at Miss Yumi, who is watching me patiently, and I start to feel a bit anxious. Finally, I settle on simply saying, "Yes," before playing my stone.

"And yet, it would seem that something troubles you about that."

I should have known my hesitation would betray me. After all, it's Miss Yumi's job to pick up on such things. I just don't like the response I have to give her. "Sometimes I feel like...I want things to happen more quickly. I know I shouldn't, but I...I get anxious about it, and I...make mistakes."

Miss Yumi looks at me neutrally. "What sort of mistakes do you mean?"

I take a deep breath before answering. "I've been trying to...make things happen, things that...aren't ready to happen. Hisao told me...I should be patient, but sometimes I feel like I can't." Having made that admission, however vaguely, I bow my head briefly. When Miss Yumi doesn't respond immediately, I raise my head again to see her viewing me appraisingly.

"In that case, Miss Hanako," she says with the barest hint of a smile, "I believe you will be pleased to know that I consider this nothing about which you need to be concerned." My mouth hangs open for a moment before she continues, "That is not to say that the question of whether your relationship is at the point where such things are appropriate is not a legitimate one – quite the opposite, in fact. However, the feelings you have experienced, and even the fact that you attempted to act upon them, are quite natural, I would say. You have had feelings for Mister Nakai for some time, and now you no longer feel you must refrain from acting upon them, so they come out as a flood. If anything, continuing to keep such feelings hidden might be more concerning."

As Miss Yumi finally plays her stone, I find myself feeling a bit relieved. It might be a small consolation, but knowing that at least some of the mistakes I've made aren't just because of my own shortcomings makes me feel somewhat better.

Of course, that doesn't mean that they weren't still mistakes.

"I...think I understand."

"I am also glad to hear that Mister Nakai was willing to ask you to be patient. It is unfortunate, but not all young men would have such control over themselves when a young woman wishes to take their relationship further."

I allow myself a small smile at the comment. "I know. That's why I...love him."

My forthright statement of my feelings seems to take Miss Yumi by surprise. I think it took me by surprise a bit too. It's the first time I've said the words out loud, although I've thought them to myself often enough. I wait for Miss Yumi to say something until I realize that I still have my stone in my hand. I quickly look over the board and place it, not even really thinking about the game anymore.

"I see," Miss Yumi responds, a serious look on her face. "Miss Hanako, I understand that your feelings for Mister Nakai are quite strong. Now, you have told me that you have given him the most important gift you can give to another person. If you would be willing to tell me, I would like to know what led you to do so."

I'm about to open my mouth to answer when I realize that I've never really thought about it before. I'd never really had to think about it before, and now I feel like I'm under pressure to come up with an answer. I look down at my hands, turning my next stone over and over as I consider my response. The moment seems to stretch out interminably, until finally I say, "Hisao...is the first person I've ever felt I could share everything with. He...makes me feel like...I don't need to worry about anything when I'm with him. He...treats me like I've always wanted to be treated, but nobody else...ever has."

Now that I've given my answer, I smile to myself as the thoughts that led me to it linger in my mind. I play my stone, and I'm interested to hear what Miss Yumi has to say. It turns out to be nothing like what I might have expected. "It is certainly important that he makes you feel such things. I do find it interesting that your answer seems to be more about your own reactions to Mister Nakai rather than qualities that he himself possesses."

That brings me back to the conversation quickly. "I'm...not sure I understand."

Miss Yumi thinks for a moment before responding. "Let me ask you, then: what is it about Mister Nakai that makes you feel that you can share things with him? What is it about him that allows you not to worry about anything?"

Now I think I see what she's getting at. "Hisao is a very kind and...patient person. He always goes out of his way to...look out for other people, especially his friends. I...respect him very much for that, and I...believe that he respects me in return."

Miss Yumi nods as I speak, and once I've played she replies, "Indeed, those are admirable qualities for him to have. It is not my place to judge your feelings, of course, but perhaps you might consider why you expressed your reasons for falling in love with Mister Nakai in the way that you did."

Now I'm not quite as sure what she means, so all I can say in response is, "I'll try."

Perhaps noticing this, Miss Yumi says, "Perhaps we should leave that discussion aside for now and focus on something else that I hope will be less troubling to you. I understand that your friend Miss Satou has made a return to Yamaku that was at least as unexpected as her departure."

I know she doesn't do it intentionally – or at least not always intentionally – but Miss Yumi does seem to know exactly what topics are going to hurt. "Yes...she did," I say carefully.

"I gather from your response that perhaps it was not as joyful a reunion as one might expect, knowing how close the two of you have been."

"No...it wasn't," I reply, equally carefully. I don't dare expect her to call my behavior "natural" on this subject. "We...had a...f-falling out."

It may be my imagination, but Miss Yumi's face seems to briefly betray a hint of concern. "If you are willing to tell me, what caused this falling out?"

"I did," I say, lowering my head and playing my stone. A moment later, I hear a tapping sound, and I look up to see that Miss Yumi has made her own play. She has always been willing to let me set the pace of these discussions, so this means that she wants me to be the one to say anything further. I do my best to keep my anxiety at bay, remembering the techniques she taught me during past sessions. One of those was to picture a clear blue sky, but somewhat incongruously, I find myself thinking instead about the scroll that Tezuka was painting yesterday, and it's surprisingly helpful. I continue to place stones on the board periodically as I work to turn my focus outward instead of inward. After a little while, I finally say, "She told me she still loved Hisao."

Miss Yumi nods, almost imperceptibly. "I can understand how that might be a disturbing revelation, Miss Hanako. Still, I believe that the last time we spoke, you presumed that to be the case."

I nod in response. "I talked to her...while she was in Scotland, and asked her. It was only later that I...I realized that she never really answered. She...only gave me leave...to act on my own f-feelings. When she came back...I asked again, but she w-wouldn't say anything until...I pushed her. I...know I pushed her too hard, but I wanted her to...to trust me enough to tell me, and...and maybe...maybe I could help her..." My voice trails off, and I'm barely holding myself together. Again, Miss Yumi remains quiet as I do, until I finally play my next stone.

"That was quite a bold move on your part, Miss Hanako. Perhaps you are learning that there are other ways to proceed besides playing defensively. Still, under the circumstances, it should not be surprising that your friend was unable to discuss her own love for Mister Nakai with you."

I bow my head, understanding only too well the truth of that particular assessment. "At the time...she'd asked me to do the same, so I thought it was...only fair."

This time, it's Miss Yumi who hesitates before speaking. "I must say, this is quite an unusual situation in which you have found yourself. From what you have told me, I would say that Miss Satou is quite an understanding young woman. The fact that things have not become more acrimonious between the two of you speaks highly of the bond you have formed already."

That part is almost certainly true, and I think that's the very reason that I feel more depressed over the situation. I look at the stone in my hand, and once again I play it without saying anything. A few more turns pass by in silence as I think over how all this came to pass, and what Miss Yumi has said, and another epiphany strikes me.

Lilly may NEVER be ready to talk to me about Hisao. If that's the case, then...

...then I may have essentially told her never to talk to me again.

As mistakes go, this one might have been my crowning achievement. I'm not even sure what I can say at this point. I look down at the board, and I've also obviously been defeated more soundly than I have in months. However, in the shadow of all that, I'm certain of the next move I need to make.

"Is everything all right, Miss Hanako?"

I look up at Miss Yumi and reply, "Not...yet, but I hope it will be soon."

Miss Yumi smiles at me. "In that case, I truly look forward to seeing you again next week. Please take care."

"You, too."

I hold myself in as I exit Miss Yumi's office, but as soon as I do I break into a run until I'm standing at the door to the girls' dorm. Once inside, I make my way as quickly as I can to Lilly's door and knock on it emphatically. When there's no answer, I try a second time, but before I'm even finished I hear the sound of a door opening behind me. "Hey, Ikezawa," Yoshimura says, "before you do any more damage to yourself, you should know that that friend of yours I don't like? She left about an hour ago."

I turn around to thank Yoshimura, but before I open my mouth her door is already closed. It's almost time for me to go to the tea room for lunch, so I go back to my room to pick up what I need to take with me. It's possible that Lilly might already be down there herself, but if not...well, I'll just need to find her as soon as I can.

This time, it's going to be different.

~~~~

Previous | Next

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Notes: First of all, my deepest thanks once again to Guest Poster for allowing me the use of his character, Miss Yumi.

Also, I want to note that this chapter and the next few will be overlapping temporally quite a bit more than usual for this story, so bear with me.

And, of course, thanks to everyone for reading!

[brythain]

It's as if you've finally tipped over the log and all the beetles are beginning to crawl out from under it. A flowering rather than a deflowering, so to speak.

I have to see Rin's scroll. That part, excellent.

Balance? Still maintained. Sense of momentum? Up one notch.

I've now identified, through reading 'Developments', my one main 'character flaw': I love chapters where Hisao doesn't appear at all.

Thanks!

[poopooface]

Great work once again!
LET"S GO HANAKO!

[Minion of Chaos]

Great addition here, Dewelar! I really enjoyed the chapter and surprise of Miss Yumi and the banter between her and Hanako- it really fit, in my opinion.

[Mahorfeus]

I've been shipping Hisao with Hanako this entire time, so I hope to the gods that this chapter means what I think it means. (I'm not sure what I think it means.) I liked seeing her interact with so many different characters, though. It shows how much she has grown... and how much she hasn't.

Miss Yumi is a great character as always. My nitpicky self usually disapproves of borrowing characters for some stupid reason, but she is almost always an exception.

[bhtooefr]

Fantastic.

I walk away, hoping against hope that Emi is in her room and I won't actually have to attempt communication with Tezuka.

And when did I start treating it like making contact with an alien species? Even if it does seem appropriate...

I rofl'd.

Also, I'm thinking Hanako would actually be familiar with the Hanako-san legend, especially given how much reading she does...

Not sure how to take the scene with Miss Yumi, either.

[hyroglyphixs]

Awesome chapter. I loved seeing inside Hanako's mind again. I really hope that she manages to repair her relationship with Lilly though - Hanako's internal monologue was definitely leading her to do this.

I can't think of anything else right now (it's so late!).. I'll probably read it again tomorrow and give more thoughts

[Blank Mage]

Man, but Yoshimura is a jerk. Understandably, perhaps, but geez. Cut a scarred orphan some slack.

I always love your Hanako perspective, you do such a great job weaving the insecurities and misgivings into her thoughts. It's interesting that Hanako is quickly becoming the driving force of the story, and even as she's facing her own faults and fears, she's working to help her friends with the experience she's gathered. She's practically an expert on needing support, and it seems like every chapter sees her grow as a friend, at a time when Emi, Lilly and even Hisao are at a standstill. I'm excited to see how she handles her newfound resolve, and the moment when Lilly finally realizes just how much she's changed.

(It's a good thing you update this on a schedule, delays might kill me at this point in the story.)

[Oscar Wildecat]

"You probably shouldn't tell her that," Rin says, turning back to her scroll. "She doesn't like people doing that for her. That's what I do. Not tell her."

"I know. That's why she's...not talking to Hisao either, I think."

When I say this, Rin's head quickly pivots toward me, a troubled look in her eyes. "That's not good," she says plainly. "She needs to be talking to him."

Rin at her Rinniest. Even if she has problems communicating, she is extremely -- perhaps dangerously -- perceptive. This chapter captures that essence. I think. perhaps.

Anyway, good job, as always.

[forgetmenot]

I'll be honest, the use of Miss Yumi feels a bit cheap. Especially since you've already established the fact that you're comfortable with creating side characters (Yoshi), there doesn't seem to be any reason to include her specifically other than a nod to fanon. Granted, it's not exactly something that I'm completely innocent of myself, either, so take it with a grain of salt. I suppose she just fulfills the role of "therapist", which is fine. Honestly I'd be a little more concerned if you were planning to include her in a greater capacity (especially this late into the game), but it doesn't seem likely.

Anyhoo, minor nitpicks in an otherwise good chapter. I'm happy the story seems to be picking up steam.

I've now identified, through reading 'Developments', my one main 'character flaw': I love chapters where Hisao doesn't appear at all.

I wholeheartedly agree.

[dewelar]

As always, thanks to all for the kind words!

Man, but Yoshimura is a jerk. Understandably, perhaps, but geez. Cut a scarred orphan some slack.

Heh...of course, Noriko likely doesn't even know that she's an orphan, much less why, but even so...

(It's a good thing you update this on a schedule, delays might kill me at this point in the story.)

Still trying to jinx me, eh?

Actually, I'm beginning to think that I'm able to keep close to a biweekly release is that...well, I'm not consciously trying.

I'll be honest, the use of Miss Yumi feels a bit cheap. Especially since you've already established the fact that you're comfortable with creating side characters (Yoshi), there doesn't seem to be any reason to include her specifically other than a nod to fanon.

And, to be honest (and I've said the same thing to Guest Poster), if I were starting this story today, I would probably not use Miss Yumi. When I started out writing this last year, I wasn't quite so confident in my abilities, and Miss Yumi first appeared less than a month into things. That...kinda means I'm locked into using her now. I've learned a lot in the interim.

I suppose she just fulfills the role of "therapist", which is fine. Honestly I'd be a little more concerned if you were planning to include her in a greater capacity (especially this late into the game), but it doesn't seem likely.

This pretty much sums it up. At this point, I only have one more scene with her on my outline, but that still could change.

I've now identified, through reading 'Developments', my one main 'character flaw': I love chapters where Hisao doesn't appear at all.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Fine, fine, so my Hisao isn't that great...well, you're stuck with him!

[NotSoClassy]

Thing about Hisao is...

Well, some games tend to make their main character as uninteresting and average as they can, so the audience may relate to him. Make someone with his own specific personality and some people will start to not feel "in tune" with their character.

Lots of games suffer of this syndrome, not just visual novels (of which i have read only 2, and one not of them not fully, of which they both had "your average dude" as a protagonist) an universe full of interesting characters, and the main character is the personality equivalent of a brick.

Suffer as much as you can, but you just can't make Hisao interesting without getting him out of character. This is just not possible. Not in my opinion.

[Lost In The Fire]

Great chapter.

I'm very interested in seeing what else is going on at this time, as I am a fan of temporally overlapping stories.

Can't wait.