Markus Ramikin wrote:If he's more into physics than chemistry, he might be more into the exceptionless rules thing. Seeing as it's an actual hard science. *ducks for cover*
I'm doing both Chemistry and Physics and I prefer Physics it's a lot more intresting. But just think of it Physics is essentially just maths, maths is the real big boy here.
"Das ist nicht Mathematik. Das ist Theologie." — Paul Gordan, on David Hilbert's Basis Theorem.
But seriously, the point is that Hisao's answer is flippantly made. It's light-hearted banter. The following part of the conversation is much more interesting, because the first word Misha stumbles over is 'conjugation' — and that's a brilliant anti-Freudian slip of the tongue.
This in turn leads me to a much larger point. Reading this whole work so far has been very educational. I've learnt things every few paragraphs despite the fact that this is not the main intent of the piece. It reminds me that this is taking place in a school where the culture is one of actually learning stuff. The nature of the beast is that it is far truer in a psychological sense to an academic idea of school life than many other conceptualisations I've seen.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end. Main Index (Complete)—Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/Akira • Hideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of Suzu • Sakura—The Kenji Saga. "Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)
Redoxide wrote:I'm doing both Chemistry and Physics and I prefer Physics it's a lot more intresting. But just think of it Physics is essentially just maths, maths is the real big boy here.
Markus Ramikin wrote:If he's more into physics than chemistry, he might be more into the exceptionless rules thing. Seeing as it's an actual hard science. *ducks for cover*
I'm doing both Chemistry and Physics and I prefer Physics it's a lot more intresting. But just think of it Physics is essentially just maths, maths is the real big boy here.
Markus Ramikin wrote:If he's more into physics than chemistry, he might be more into the exceptionless rules thing. Seeing as it's an actual hard science. *ducks for cover*
I'm doing both Chemistry and Physics and I prefer Physics it's a lot more intresting. But just think of it Physics is essentially just maths, maths is the real big boy here.
ProfAllister wrote:
And as a final point, something which extends beyond this single thread: make your comments substantial.
Everyone understands that it's hard to think of something to add, and you need to reply to subscribe, etc., etc., etc. That's irrelevant. Critical facilities are like muscles - you need to exercise them for them to be any good. You can start small, and, bit by bit, you'll eventually find that it's easier to go into more detail, pick up on subtler issues, and say something that has an impact.
"This is great" and "Keep up the good work" and similar comments are what can be considered "junk food feedback" - no one really gets anything out of it, but it's quick, convenient, and gives a fleeting feeling of satisfaction. Try to go a bit further. Pick out a specific thing that you did (or didn't) like, or even something that just confused you. Go into detail about why you reacted the way you did, and maybe how it could be better. It's a win for all parties - you get better at providing feedback, the author gets useful information about how people react to his writing, and Silentcook rolls his eyes less.
Alright, I'll take you up on that.
First off, let me say that I think you've done an excellent job with Hisao's character voice. A lot of KS fanfiction is done in first person with Hisao as the narrator, and one of the first things that drives me away from a fanfiction is when Hisao's character voice is wrong. In this, however, Hisao sounds like Hisao, complete with standard Nakai-level brooding and introspection.
Secondly, I like how you captured Misha's attitude to life. Most people either leave her act 1 style completely bubbly and carefree, or take the sadder side revealed in Shizune's route and turn it into her entire character. I think you've done a good job of balancing both in a way that seems natural and believable where either extreme would not.
I also liked some of the lines in the fic, like Misha's one about "learning alot under you" and Kenji lighting the end of a lolipop on fire.
On the negative side, I'm unconvinced about Hisao's relationship with some other people, especially Emi. It seems weird that people who Hisao had at best a handful of encounters with would take it so personally that he didn't keep in touch, and Emi in particular is bizarrely crabby. Emi also seems out of character in how much she a) cares about Hisao since she barely knows him and b) reveals that she's upset to Hisao considering how secretive and eager to hide her problems she is. I'm not just talking about her bizarre outburst about being a role model, the fact that she's even willing to say "it hurts that you're not being friendly with me" seems out of character for Emi. She's basically portrayed as not bothering to make friends outside of Rin and maybe the track captain, and admits to barely caring about Hisao at the start of her route, so why is she so fixated on Hisao not being more than a casual acquaintance? Unless there's been stuff going on "off-screen", the sum total of time spent together seems to be a couple times in the first week, running into each other outside the nurses office, and running into each other a couple times on the roof. I have no idea why this would lead Emi to believe they were friends rather than just vaguely friendly, especially given that Emi is superficially friendly with half the school. Rin caring about him showing up also seems unusual.
(Also, you accidentally repeated a word in act 3 scene 2: "With a cheerful smile, she gives me an equally pleasant greeting greeting.")
“What I never get used to, detective, is the fact that you make that damned comment every single time. Not every single time we get to a murder scene, but every goddamned time anything happens. You said it when we saw that car double-parked, when they put 2% milk in my nonfat soy latte, and when the only doughnut left in the break room was one of those godawful blueberry glazed atrocities.”
I take a deep breath.
“And for the last time, I’m older than you. And I outrank you. So stop calling me kid.”
Detective Katsuki shrugs, “Sorry, Captain, but it’s true this time. Besides, isn’t your name Kidd?”
“My husband’s name is Kidd. I’m still Kurohime.”
“Ah, right. I always forget. Never get used to it, women not changin’ their names when they get married.”
Katsuki’s a good cop, if a little slow. And it’s always nice to have a big scary slab of meat around, when you need to bring in the muscle. But his views on gender politics are bound to cause him problems in the future.
He’s right, though, this is a particularly grisly murder. A young man, late teens, stripped naked except for a t-shirt. Wrists slashed, throat torn open, lower body mutilated beyond recognition. And blood. Blood everywhere.
“Any leads on a perp, detective?”
Another shrug. “Colder’n a TV dinner. No leads, no nothin’. No motive, no suspects, nothin’ suspicious at all - ‘cept the stiff, ‘course.”
“This is a girl’s room. Any possibility that she was involved?”
He shakes his head, shoving his massive hands into his equally large coat pockets. “Cleaner’n a whistle. Student Council, volunteer work, whole nine yards. Sweetest girl I’ve ever met. I’d sooner suspect myself. ‘Sides, she took it pretty hard. Turns out he was her boyfriend.”
Producing a bag of after-dinner mints, he tosses a handful into his mouth.
“‘f you ask me, looks like some kinda cult job. Still don’t explain the cold trail, though.”
“A cult, you say? You may be on to something there. A conspiracy, maybe? Any chance of a quid pro quo alibi going on? If it’s a conspiracy, they’d be vouching for each other, I’d imagine.”
“If there is, they’ve done a damn good job of hidin’ it. Big festival last night, an’ almost everyone swears that everyone else was there all night. ‘fit’s a conspiracy, more’n half the school’d hafta be in on it.”
My ears perk up. “Almost everyone?”
Katsuki looks a little uncomfortable as he responds, avoiding my eyes. “There is one kid who doesn’t really have an alibi, but he’s the shut-in type. A real loon.”
“A shut-in? He never leaves his room?”
“Almost never. We found him on the rooftop, drinkin’ and rantin’ ‘bout how ‘they’ got him.”
This last “him” is accompanied by a nod toward the corpse. “Turns out he was a friend of the victim.”
“They?”
“Yeah, kid had this crazy idea that ‘e was offed by a ‘feminist conspiracy.’”
Katsuki’s other hand emerges from its pocket, holding a bottle of whiskey. Eyeing it appraisingly, he takes a swig.
“May be a nut, but the kid’s got good taste in booze.”
I ignore the rules he’s breaking by “confiscating” the whiskey in that manner. There are more important things to deal with right now.
“We should probably take him in for questioning. No alibi, he clearly doesn’t have any issue with leaving his room, and he’s mentally unstable. Probably some sexually frustrated kid who couldn’t deal with his friend having a girlfriend while he’s still alone.”
“You think so? He seemed pretty harmless to me.”
“They always do. Take backup - there’s no telling what might happen if he gets cornered.”
“I’m on it!”
With a smart salute, the detective runs off to apprehend the suspect.
Poor kid. He probably is harmless. But there’s no sense taking a risk like that. Now I need to go make my report.
It’s a very short trip to my destination - another one of the building’s rooms. I knock loudly and announce myself.
The weak, strained voice of a girl answers from within. “Come in.”
I open the door to see two schoolgirls inside, the curtains drawn. One of the girls - the one with bright pink hair - is crying into the lap of the other girl. Stepping inside, I close the door behind me.
Once the door is closed, their demeanor changes. Turning her attention from the crying girl, the other girl fixes me with an imperious gaze, making me feel small and insignificant. The pink-haired girl is no longer crying, but sits next to the first one, equally authoritative.
I had been briefed on this. Shizune Hakamichi, the youngest regional matron in centuries. And she’s not afraid to prove why she deserves the position. Normally, a report is given to the regional matron in private, but her enforcer is a special case. Shiina Mikado, one of the most dangerous enforcers in the Pacific region, serves a double role as Mistress Hakamichi’s interpreter.
As one, the matron makes a short gesture, and her enforcer speaks. “Report.”
I fall to me knee and bow my head in deference. “The operation was successful, mist-”
“Lift your face.” The command is sharp and cuts me off midsentence. “I choose to dispense with that honor. It is far more important that I can see my subordinates as they speak.”
“Yes, mistress.” When the mistress issues a command, to disobey is to sign your own death warrant. “The operation was successful. The law of Man remains blind to our actions. Furthermore, the investigation has given us an opportunity to neutralise a potential threat. I understand that mistress is aware of the target’s friend?”
“You are correct. Setou is more than a potential threat. He has been a thorn in our side for too long. What of him?”
“He has been apprehended as the likely suspect, mistress. Our agents will ensure that he digs his own grave.”
The predatory smile of the mistress is utterly terrifying. It is clear that she has truly earned her position.
“You have done well. You may kiss my hand.”
Her extended hand is tempting. To touch a mistress is a great honor - to kiss her hand greater still. But protocol must be observed.
“My mistress is too kind. My actions do not deserve such an honor.”
“You presume too much, child. I have judged that your actions deserve this honor. I pray that you do not consider your judgment greater than my own?”
“No, mistress.”
Making a very poor attempt to disguise my eagerness, I crawl forward, gently placing my lips against her knuckle. The touch lasts for only a brief glorious moment before she pulls her hand away. Much to my surprise, however, she places her palm on my head.
“Your service shall be remembered for ages to come. You are no longer a child, orphaned to the world. I claim you as my daughter.”
“As you have seen this day, a man who has served his purpose is to be discarded, fit only to work in the mines. But a woman who has served her purpose is to bloom and grow, greater than she once was. Rise, daughter, that we may plan our next step.”
That was certainly interesting. Not personally a fan of the feminist conspiracy being true, but I recognize how other people could enjoy them. They certainly are different from the normal stories.
So cruel. At first I was excited, then I quickly realised it would still be the 1st in America. The story was interesting up until the mistress part. I always wondered what the reaction would be if Hisao had died at some point during the different routes, shame this went down the conspiracy path. Come to think of it is there anything like that where Hisao dies? Really curious as to how the would react. I do remember reading a thing where Hisao survived the manly picnic fall and Misha was waiting at his bedside and talked to him which was cool but can't remember what it was.
Redoxide
I used to think myself a patient person, that was until I started reading work in progress fan fictions.
Suzu > Rin = Emi > Misha = Saki > Shizune = Hanako > A Kitten on Fire > Lily
I do remember reading a thing where Hisao survived the manly picnic fall and Misha was waiting at his bedside and talked to him which was cool but can't remember what it was.
The story is called "Constant Companion." It's in the library.
That April Fool's update got me. Not bad, Professor. Not bad at all!
Akira>Lilly=Shizune>Emi>Hanako>Mutou=Nurse>Saki>Misha=Rika>Yuuko>Meiko=Miki>Suzu>Kenji>Rin=Iwanako>Jigoro>Nomiya>{POWERGAP}>Hisao Eh, my opinion anyway
This is the best fanfiction I've ever read... of anything. I wish I hadn't blown through it in two days! Can't wait to see this continued, excellent work throughout.
