Meeting Lyle

[Munchenhausen]

Ever since I'd seen that beautifully done rendition of the Katawas in male form, I've been imagining what they'd be like as characters. So I thought I'd give writing a shot, and typed this up. Starts off with Hisako looking for the Library and stumbling upon Lyle.
Please do tell me what you think of this. Story, grammar, spelling, timing, Fragments (consider revising), whatever. Is my paragraphing alright? How about dialogue layout?
This being my first actual attempt at writing, I can imagine a fair few things that I missed on my re-reads and I'm looking to improve. Because I'm scared of being bad at something. Yeah.
Thanks!

tl;dr Lilly's introduction scene re-thought with my mental rendition of Lyle, Lilly's male counterpart.
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Looking through the empty corridors, I found a door that was ajar. As I got closer, it was obvious it wasn't the Library, but curiosity took hold. I pushed the door open fully and looked in.

Sat there in silence was a solitary figure, sat with his eyes closed and a mug between his hands. A tuft of his wavy, blonde hair dances in the breeze from the window. This is the first time I've seen someone wearing the uniform blazer. It's... Green, to say the least. He turns his head a few degrees towards me and opens his mouth to speak.

“Is that you, Harako? Come on in, pal,” he brings the mug to his smile and takes a tentative sip, waiting a response. “Was wondering where you got to,” I'd better reply, before he gets the wrong idea.

“Oh, umm, sorry, I was looking for the library...”
My voice not being whom he expects seems to take him by surprise, albeit briefly. His eyes open and his eyebrows shoot up, before he changes to a distinctly casual expression. The first thing I notice is his clouded pupils. Is he blind?
My thoughts are confirmed when his head turns, probably through courtesy, towards me. Although his head moves, his eyes continue to stare forward the entire time, giving the whole action a surreal tinge to it... This is something I'll have to get used to at Yamaku, I guess.
He offers an apologetic expression and speaks.

"Ah, terribly sorry! I thought you were someone else!” He chuckles to himself, “That lad's the only person I know who'd make such a hesitant entrance. Can I help you at all? Cup of tea, per chance?”

I must admit, a sit down would be a nice change of pace for today. “If you don't mind, I think that'd be great,”

“Not at all! Take a seat and I'll pop the kettle on,”
He nods in my general direction with a smile and stands up, turning to face a rather cheap-looking kettle plugged into the wall behind him. I feel a little guilty for interrupting him, and even more so as I watch him set up a tea for me. I almost offer to do it myself, but I stop myself before I get a chance to inadvertently patronise him. I watch, fascinated with how he deals with his apparent blindness. He feels around on the desk lightly until his hand touches something, to which he gives a little feel to identify. Spoons, teacups, pots...
The kettle wire...
“Are you new around here? Hate to say it, but I don't recognise your voice." I arch my neck to watch his hands search. Finally, he finds a small glass pot. "Sugar?”

“Umm, two please. Yeah, today's my first day,” He scoops two heaps of the sweet, sweet powder into the cup and reaches for the kettle. “I'm Hisako, by the way. Hisako Nakai.”

He turns around, a fresh cup of tea steaming away in his hands, and laughs lightly. “Ah, introductions, I'm sorry.” He sets the mug down and takes a seat, himself. “Pleasure to meet you, Nakai. I'm Lyle Satou.”

His smile is warm and his posture... perfect. His speech is quite eloquent and refined, with a subtle hint of an English accent. He definitely has an air of class to him, but thankfully he doesn't seem overly pompous. I take my cup and look around the room. There's a selection of various teacups on the counter behind him, surrounded by recently-used spoons and evidence of numerous mopped-up spills. As he takes another sip, it's brought to my attention that he's holding the only mug in the room. Either it's his or he just got here first.

“So, Nakai, what brings you to my little haven? You said something about the library?” I hadn't realised how quiet I was being, but he doesn't seem to mind.

“Yeah, I was hoping to find the library. I was recommended to drop by before the day was over. I don't suppose you could give me directions?" Repressed memories of Misha very loudly recommending that I look for a certain book about Sparkly Vampires forces its way to mind. "And please, you can call me Hisako,”

“In that case, feel free to call me Lyle,” He smiles, but it is soon lost as he puts down his mug and leans back in his chair, turning his head towards the window. The afternoon sun casting quite a dark shadow under his brow. He frowns and brings a hand to his chin.

“Ah the library. Not the most useful place, for me.” My stomach drops and I realise the potential mine I have just trodden on. He strains on his words, visibly trying to maintain a calm composure “...It's not like I can read anything."

His voice is monotone and dull; a complete change from a few seconds ago. I find myself immediately regretting asking. I've just asked a blind guy about books. How stupid could I get?! God, I feel terrible. I open my mouth to apologise, but nothing comes out. My heart is racing uncomfortably. What have I done? I just sit there stuttering...
That is, until he suddenly sits back up and laughs.
What?
Wait, what?

“I'm kidding!" I'm thankful his laughter is a lot quieter than Misha's, but it doesn't mean I welcome it. His laughs calm to a grin. “I've been told time and time again not to make the new kids uncomfortable, but you know...” He trails off with a chuckle. “Wow, I wish I could've seen your face,” His own choice of words catch him off guard, but he brushes them off and returns back to a smile.

I must admit, I was not expecting that. He seems very open about his blindness...

“You... You really had me going there,” That was really quite unnecessary, if I'm honest. He had me thinking I had just seriously offended him, I was ready to jump out of the window through sheer embarrassment. My heart is still thumping away!
Well, at least he has a sense of humour... Granted, probably one of the most inappropriate senses of humour imaginable, but a sense of humour nonetheless. I don't really know what to say, now. Do I ask about the library? He didn't actually say whether or not he uses it, but I daren't ask.

"I am sorry if I guilt tripped you, I just like my humour dark. Let me make it up to you. I do actually visit the library quite often; they have quite an array of Braille literature," Well that settles that. "I'll be heading there after my tea. If you're in no hurry, I can take you there myself." That calming smile graces his lips as he makes his offer.

Great, now I'm stuck.
Although he's made quite a boisterous impression, I can see that he didn't mean it to be malicious. That and I don't think being escorted by such a handsome boy could really be that bad...
It's just I'd like to see the Library sooner, rather than later, to give me time to browse a bit.

>I'm in a hurry
Get directions from Lyle and go alone.
>Accept the escort
Wait with Lyle and let him take you to the Library. [+Lyle]

[AntonSlavik020]

Interesting. I find gender-bent stories interesting(love it when Adventure Time does it), so this has that going for it. As for the story itself, it didn't have any glaring errors that I noticed, except that I found your addition of a "choice" at the end rather pointless unless you plan on continuing this or something. Otherwise your probably better off without them.

[Steinherz]

You actually went and did it. My god.

Interesting. I find gender-bent stories interesting(love it when Adventure Time does it), so this has that going for it. As for the story itself, it didn't have any glaring errors that I noticed, except that I found your addition of a "choice" at the end rather pointless unless you plan on continuing this or something. Otherwise your probably better off without them.

Agreed, genderswap stories can be interesting.
I have a feeling Munchenhausen may make this a full fic, which is why the choice is there.

also:

[NotSoClassy]

And I'm reading this with my most brutal scottish accent I can muster, It's quite fun actually.

[Steinherz]

And I'm reading this with my most brutal scottish accent I can muster, It's quite fun actually.

Because a person who's lived in Japan for 80%+ of their life would totally have a Scottish accent :p

[Munchenhausen]

I found your addition of a "choice" at the end rather pointless unless you plan on continuing this or something. Otherwise your probably better off without them.

I have a feeling Munchenhausen may make this a full fic, which is why the choice is there.

Uhh...
Well...
I wasn't really planning on doing a full story... Longterm commitment isn't my forté, so I opted for a 'pick the best bits out of the carcass' approach. Taking the best bits and R63ing them, such as everyone else's introductions, Womynly Picnic, Lyle & Hanaro's tea party etc. etc.

The options are only really there as some form of an idea as to how a supposed Genderbending would go on, to bring forth my idea that it wouldn't be a simple replace all 'him's with 'her's job if I were to decide to do the whole thing; that the story would have differences.
Should I leave them out of future works then?

And thanks for your replies Like I said, I'll be adding more fragments, but nothing like a full reimagining of it... unless someone wants to dedicate half of their life to reminding me to do it

[AntonSlavik020]

Uhh...
Well...
I wasn't really planning on doing a full story... Longterm commitment isn't my forté, so I opted for a 'pick the best bits out of the carcass' approach. Taking the best bits and R63ing them, such as everyone else's introductions, Womynly Picnic, Lyle & Hanaro's tea party etc. etc.

I actually like that idea. It's certainly sounds a lot simpler than a full story. And in terms of the choices, they don't bother me TOO much, but I'd sooner leave them then take them. That's just my opinion.

[monkeywitha6pack]

This definitely adds a different twist to the bits you'll be doing, it seems pretty interesting

[Steinherz]

Taking the best bits and R63ing them, such as everyone else's introductions, Womynly Picnic, Lyle & Hanaro's tea party etc. etc.

Hmm.... wonder what the other "best bits" are....

Comfort me Hicchan...

[Bad Apple]

Since nobody else is doing it, I'll offer some constructive criticism.

Lyle doesn't come off to me as being British, or indeed English, but as having an Australian accent. Despite their shared origin, there are a few nuances between the two in speech and phrases that I couldn't quite explain to you well enough. Or perhaps the usage of "mate" is stereotypically Australian in the popular mind, and Lyle using it so liberally made a strong first impression. I'm not sure. I've never been to the Commonwealth countries.

Either I missed something, or Hisao being genderbent comes off as a surprise as well. I thought the POV was, in this order: Hanako, then Hisao, then "Hisako." Incidentally, I know next to nothing of Japanese, but certainly the -ko suffix in "Harako" still lends it a feminine form.

Katawa Shoujo takes place in 2007. Fifty Shades of Grey did not exist (in written form at least) until a few years later in 2011, when the Twilight epidemic, the work it is a fanfiction of, was at a fever pitch. Twilight, however, was first published a few years before 2007, and is, from what little I've gathered, at least noteworthy in Japan. (It had a manga adaptation, for one.)

What I'm saying is, change your take-that from Twilight fanfiction to Twilight itself and you don't lose a thing, and don't turn Misha into a time Lord traveler.

There are a few extraneous layers of fat you could cut out of the proverbial 'carcass' to make the meat leaner. That is, it wouldn't do anything to harm the narrative structure. For wanting to leave page length short and this post easy to digest, I won't detail every single instance unless specifically asked, but the overelaborate description of sugar comes to mind; finishing the description at a "small glass pot" followed by the dialogue prompt of sugar is enough description, plus advances the story via dialogue. Try to apply that when combing through stories in the future. Remember: Less is more.

While this wasn't an awful read by any stretch of the imagination (If I said nothing about it, then I probably don't mind), genderbender stories aren't exactly my cup of tea, so I'm fine and dandy with this staying a one-shot. You're probably better off too. If you intend to continue writing I suggest you continue in a string of one-shots until you are ready to commit to something in larger scope.

Good luck.

[Munchenhausen]

Lyle doesn't come off to me as being British, or indeed English, but as having an Australian accent. [...] Or perhaps the usage of "mate" is stereotypically Australian in the popular mind, and Lyle using it so liberally made a strong first impression.

My goal was to give him an 'educated lower-class English' type of speech as, being just that myself, it makes it easier for me to decide what and how he would say things. If it's coming across as Australian, I'll need to have a rethink
Could it just be the fact one of the first things he said was "Mate"?

Either I missed something, or Hisao being genderbent comes off as a surprise as well. I thought the POV was, in this order: Hanako, then Hisao, then "Hisako." Incidentally, I know next to nothing of Japanese, but certainly the -ko suffix in "Harako" still lends it a feminine form.

Once again, that's a problem I'll need to fix. Thanks for pointing it out!
And as for "Harako", I know fuck all about Japanese names, so I literally googled 'Japaese Boy Names' and looked for the one closest to Hanako. If you have any better suggestions, I am desperate. It's either that or my original placeholder "Manako".

What I'm saying is, change your take-that from Twilight fanfiction to Twilight itself and you don't lose a thing, and don't turn Misha into a time Lord traveler.

Duely noted, cheers!
Consistency isn't on my "Remember to check for" list, so this is one of the things I appreciate.

There are a few extraneous layers of fat you could cut out of the proverbial 'carcass' to make the meat leaner. [...] Remember: Less is more.

Once again, a big problem of mine - I have a major tendency to ramble and want to describe every little detail.
You should see my old Sociology essays.

Being as I'm the one who's typing it out I obviously miss out a crapton of little niggles that I know are there but can't quite put my finger on.
Thanks for the critic, mate Cheers

[Mirage_GSM]

My goal was to give him an 'educated lower-class English' type of speech as, being just that myself, it makes it easier for me to decide what and how he would say things. If it's coming across as Australian, I'll need to have a rethink

Well, I didn't immediately think of Australian, but the way he messed with Hisako, I didn't get the feeling that he was very close to Lilly personality-wise...

Either I missed something, or Hisao being genderbent comes off as a surprise as well. I thought the POV was, in this order: Hanako, then Hisao, then "Hisako." Incidentally, I know next to nothing of Japanese, but certainly the -ko suffix in "Harako" still lends it a feminine form.

Not neccessarily... There are a few male names ending in -ko but those are quite rare*, and I would avoid using one if possible. Haruto or Hiroto would be viable alternatives.

*"Takehiko" comes to mind, and that one uses not the Kanji "Ko" (child) but the Kanji "hiko" (boy)

All in all not bad, but just like Bad Apple, I'm not too fond of genderbender stories personally...

[Steinherz]

My goal was to give him an 'educated lower-class English' type of speech as, being just that myself, it makes it easier for me to decide what and how he would say things. If it's coming across as Australian, I'll need to have a rethink

Well, I didn't immediately think of Australian, but the way he messed with Hisako, I didn't get the feeling that he was very close to Lilly personality-wise...

Because a genderswap doesn't need to be the same personality-wise?

[Munchenhausen]

Well, I didn't immediately think of Australian, but the way he messed with Hisako, I didn't get the feeling that he was very close to Lilly personality-wise..

My thoughts were to take Lilly's openness about her disability and put them into a Brit - With our infamy for a coarse sense of humour, I came out with that.
Keep in mind also, that this isn't just Lilly sans boobs, this is Lilly sans boobs +Testosterone; I imagine all the cripples'd have a bit more to them, in that sense.

Might well take your advice and start using Harurto, though :3

[Mirage_GSM]

My goal was to give him an 'educated lower-class English' type of speech as, being just that myself, it makes it easier for me to decide what and how he would say things. If it's coming across as Australian, I'll need to have a rethink

Well, I didn't immediately think of Australian, but the way he messed with Hisako, I didn't get the feeling that he was very close to Lilly personality-wise...

Because a genderswap doesn't need to be the same personality-wise?

It doesn't? So you can just use a blond and blind OC whose name sounds a bit like Lilly's?