Venus de Milo

[Aznslack3r]

Edit: My gosh. I am a fool. I meant to have Hisao as the main character, not an inappropriate character like Kenji.
By changing what I had meant to be Hisao, the story's interpretation would've been akin to a bullet train smashing into a glass palace at full speed. It would have ruined everything. Please, please, reconsider this story with Hisao in mind, I am so, so sorry.


Preface:

Hi. I'm having what you would call an existential moment. An inspired moment. It came from this picture.

http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/v ... search=rin

I've never posted anything before, mostly just lurked, but I had followed this blog for a little while during my second semester. Today, I had felt like checking the blog again and I stumbled on that picture. I don't entirely know the background of some of these characters, but most of it enough to get a feel of their personalities (maybe).

I have never written a work this long, or anything I would deem creative writing that was outside of compulsory education. I feel like I never had the motivation.

I tried to work on specific things, to space things, to emphasize a theme here, but I find myself confused as to what it actually was.

Before you start, I'd like to point out that the Venus de Milo's missing right arm would have been meant to hold her drooping clothes, what researchers interpret as erotic tension, characteristic of Hellenistic art.

It's 5 am June 29th, 2009. This is my first post. I had intended to sleep at 2:00 AM before I stumbled on this picture and wrote this, but. Here I am, unedited, raw, bursting with energy.

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"The Aphrodite of Milos, or better known as "Venus de Milo", is considered one of the most prime examples of ancient Greek sculpture. It was intitially believed to be the work of master sculptor Praxiteles, but upon discovery of its plinth, is now correctly attributed to Alexandros of Antioch. The most intriguing aspect of this sculpture is the mystery of its missing arms. Ironically, it is most renowned for this aspect despite being incomplete. It was bitterly returned to the Italians in 1815 after Napoleon Bonaparte had looted it for the French" At this point, the tour guide chuckled. "Napoleon had the right idea, she's quite the armful!"

A small chuckle arose from the small tour group that followed along closely. This group was comprised mostly of students save the exception of one head teacher near the front. More importantly, I happened to be in this one. In the distance, similar tour groups could also be seen with the same ilk of students, from the same school.

I exhaled a sigh slowly and looked at the statue cast in front of me with an excitement just over one's discovery of lint. I blinked and scratched the back of my head. Just a statue. I leaned over slightly and began to read part of the the museum's own description of the piece. The plastic placard card had finely etched letters, something I took more notice of than I did the actual content. The tour group that I was supposed to be a part of had taken their place further down the hallway at the next statue. I had taken a step forward before noticing that there was someone else there with me. Rin was standing just a few feet away from me. It was a bit picturesque for at that very moment she had decided to turn around as if to display herself in front of the stature for comparison. I don't believe this was intentional, and the consequences were probably not meant to be humorous, but I couldn't help but chuckle now. Though, I hadn't laughed at the tour guide earlier. I felt a smirk spread across my face, and a slight "Heh" had escaped from my lips a bit too late. I had hoped Rin would not have noticed.

Before, Rin's face was blank and emotionless much like Venus de Milo's forever expressionless face. But, she had noticed. A pristinely hideous smile had indicated this. I say ugly because she did not smile genuinely as one normally would hope for. The expression in her eyes had hinted a touch of contempt, though I don't believe it was all directed towards myself.

"Is that funny to you, Hisao?"

"I...I didn't mean to, I-I'm sorry.."

I hadn't known Rin for very long before this school trip, (it had only been a week since I transferred) and it seemed as if our relationship afterwards would not be any better.

"...You have nothing to be sorry about. The tour guide herself laughed, hadn't she?... It is funny... isn't it?"

I could feel my face contort itself into a look of concern, a worrisome grimace.

"H-Hey now, what do you mean? She was just trying to lighten the mood and entertain... entertain the..."

I had trailed off because it seemed like she wasn't listening at all, she was staring straight at the statue with her mouth slightly open. Though, it was as if she could see something I couldn't.

"...It's funny that the Venus de Milo is so widely renowned. So... fiercely fought over... when she's not even complete.."

"..Um."

"Did you know that researchers have actually already solved the mystery of her missing arms, and her original expression? Did you know that?"

"Wh-"

"You see, Venus' original pose was meant to have her looking at her left arm, which was holding an apple, and her right arm slyly holding up her drifting robes... not that they really covered her anyway... Her arms had broken off in a skirmish between French sailors and Greek brigands, both of whom were fighting for possession of her. It seems even as a statue Aphrodite had captured the hearts of many men.."

At this point she had turned to look at me and started to laugh, but... it was hideous.

"Aheheh..hahaha! ISN'T THAT RICH? A MAN WAS EVEN EXECUTED FOR TRYING TO BUY IT HAHAHA."

"R..Rin, stop it! How do you even know so much about this statue?! Stop laughing like that, yo..you're going to make a scene...."

I had taken a few steps forward and placed my hands on her shoulders. I could feel her physically shaking and trembling from the continuous laughter. Though, I suppose I can't tell laughter and weeping apart, really.

"Ahah...Nnhh ohh. That was good..."

"..."

After a minute she had stopped, but my hands were still on her shoulders. I was not paying attention and, instead of focusing on her, I was more concerned about our surroundings, afraid that we had made a scene.

"I wonder if Venus would have become such a great work of art if she was completed...If she had both her arms... would she have been just another statue?..."

"Well..."

"And yet, look at her, she's still stunningly beautiful and perfect. As if she looked down on us, the imperfect."

Rin's face had contorted into a frown, a grimace of hate. "S-She's so fucking ugly... she doesn't even have arms and yet even today people consider her a goddess.. like...like she's imitating us, doing it better than us. She's doing a better job than I am and--God damn it-- she's not even supposed to be..."

"Rin, what the hell are you talking about? It's just a freaking statue... calm down... I-It's just a work of art, she's meant to be idealized and-" At this point, I didn't even know what I was saying. I just felt like crying for some reason. I didn't even know why, I wasn't the one freaking out. I guess. "Listen, just try and forget about it, okay? It's seriously nothing you should be worrying over, it's just culture or something..."

Rin wasn't listening though, or so it seemed. She had looked up at me with a blank, yet intense stare, as if peering into my very soul, or..or some bullshit like that. It really felt like it, at least... It was ironic that the girl I was trying to console seemed to understand me more than I understood myself.

"You don't understand anything..."

She slinked away while I stood there. I slowly looked down at my hand and tested my grasping ability by making a fist. I could still feel the warmth of her shoulders. I looked up and saw her, uninterested as before, trailing behind the tour group. It took me a a moment to gather my bearings and accept what had just happened.

Hisao looked back mid-stride, an eyebrow skewed. He had looked back with a heavy heart, his mouth slightly ajar in confusion as if he was half expecting Venus herself to be walking about. Yet, it was there, perfect as ever, armless. After a moment, he blinked, looked down at the ground for a second, and then walked on.

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That night, I stayed awake a bit longer than usual. Staring at the ceiling of my dark room usually wasn't part of my routine whenever I slept. It was something about today that made me feel out of place. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience--an existential moment, in fact. I guess every somebody has a moment like this in their life. It feels like you can feel every cell in your body. As if, somehow, I was looking at myself as an outside observer, narrating my own life. I exhaled sharply and shifted my weight, turning to my side.

Tch-Like I'm some sort of socially awkward teenager discovering nietzsche and marijuana for the first time...God, what am I doing...



Rin.




I blinked and slowly raised my right hand up a few inches away from my face. In the darkness I could just barely make out the flitting silhouette of my hand. And then, I tried to look past it. My hand... the ceiling... the sky- to the very stars, even. I imagined the velvety night sky, dotted with a countless amount of stars.

Shimmering as they were, I ruined this moment rationalizing that they were just massive, luminous balls of plasma.

A statue is just a statue.

A person is just a person.

The little vision that I had at that moment began to blur. My hands had somehow made their way to my face. (Why was Kenji cupping his face?)

I heard a whimper, a sharp swallow for air, groaning. It was my own.





What did it mean to cry.

[cpl_crud]

I would suggest that you get some sleep then revisit this.

Things that make sense to you when you are tired tend not to make sense to someone else when they are not.

I think you have the basis of a nice little peice here, but as it stands I can't really empathise with the characters. Without that connection it makes it hard to appreciate the story.

You also shift from first to third person a bit, and also there's never any real indication of who's speaking. That makes reading it a little jarring and confusing to follow. I had to read it twice to work out that it was Rin speaking most of the time.

[Duo2Cuo]

It was an enjoyable read, but I think you should spend some time and edit this, It just felt to jumpy and almost like I couldn't connect with the characters. You have the potential for a very good premise. Still a good read nonetheless Good imagery!

[Gontolmon]

Fantastic read. Looking forward to more!