A Natsume route--by Nubbles20 [12.29.13]

[Nubbles20]

Intro--
Hi, I'm here to present you with a fan-write I've been working on, and sharing to small groups for about a week and a half. Before I get into the details of the story, I want to just say wow. Wow at the numbers. My little story that I'll be posting here currently has 36 views on pastebin, where I've writing it up until this point. But looking at the numbers here hurts both my heart and my head. The thought of hundreds of people reading my work makes me happy, but scares me at the same time. Hell, I've only got a few, maybe 6, people who ask me about the next chapter, and maybe 15 who have read both the chapters. While they've almost all told me I have solid writing, the thought of hundreds of judging eyes scares me a bit. But without further ado, the basis of the story.

It follows a boy named Akako Ikuta, who has been at Yamaku for several years. I did not use Hisao for several reasons, the foremost being that I was afraid I'd fuck him up personality wise, and that I honestly didn't like him personality wise. As the story unfolds you will learn about his past, and all of the happiness that entails. I currently have two chapters to post here, to give you a taste of the writing, about 3100 words total. That's just about all I can think to post now, so enjoy reading, and let me know what you think of my story!

[Nubbles20]

--Chapter One-Deadlines

"Beep! beep! Beep!" My alarm clock is annoyingly rattling off next to me. God I hate that thing.

My eyes lazily roll open, and a not-so-well aimed swing at the OFF button the alarm clock misses by an entire inch, knocking it off the table. It smashes into the floor and falls silent. Close enough.

A survey of the room shows the same thing as every day, more or less. A room filled with warm light from the sunrise, a desk in the corner, a clock hanging over the door, and enough meds on the little table next to me to cure cancer, literally. At least they're supposed to.

The poor alarm clock is left on the floor as I sit up. I yawn and make my way to the window. A glance outside shows the finished Tanabata stalls bathed the orange glow of the sunset, ready to be used tomorrow. It would be a kind of postcard view, if the depressing notion of spending it alone in my dorm didn't loom over me.

The clock still needs to be picked up. I think of how his wife and two kids will cry when they learn the news of papa-clock's death. The alarm clock government will surely give them compensation for his death. He died bravely, fighting Akako Ikuta's sleep. He's not the first.

I dump the clock in the trash and grab a uniform for my closet, take my carefully measured dose of medication for the day, and make my way towards the shower, then to class. The same shit as any other day.

Class 3-3 is already filling up when I arrive. Mutou mumbles a greeting to me as I find my seat. The gears of my mind start turning before I even sit down. I decided who I'd ask to the festival a while ago, but I've put it off. Time is running out. A glance at the clock shows that I have a few minutes to ask her. Now is as good a time as any, I suppose.

As I make my way to the corner of my room I sum up just about everything that I know about her. Natsume Ooe, she's in the news club. It's obvious that's she's self-conscious about her eyes, which are two different colors; most attempts to make eye contact with her result in her looking towards the floor, or finding an excuse to turn away. I don't understand why she'd be self-conscious, I think her eyes are cute, personally. They make her unique.

Halfway there anxiety hits me like a freight train. I feel the knot tightening in my stomach. I can't do this. I'm going to look stupid. I stop in my tracks.

I sigh, and start to whisper encouragement to myself, "You need two minutes of courage" I begin. It's probably sad that I have to pep-talk my self out of giving in to anxiety, but I continue anyway, "Two minutes of unmatchable courage and you'll have a cute girl to go to this festival with"

That's good enough to convince myself that this is going to go over well. I slowly keep walking, and after what seems to be an eternity I'm there, she looks up at me politely, anticipating me talking.

"Hi, umm" My words leave me now. I search for them, putting them together like a jigsaw puzzle.

90 more seconds of courage.

I force myself to look into her eyes, the same eyes that I'd secretly admired for weeks, one lavender-red, the other amber.

"The festival is tomorrow and I was wondering if you might want to go with me?"

Her expression remains unchanged, behind those glasses I'm sure she's putting together a creative way to say no.

60 seconds of courage left.

I put on a smile and keep looking into her eyes. Slowly, the almost blank stare she's been wearing until now, a small smile creeps across her face.

"That would be nice" She's speaks softly, the smile grows a bit wider "No one has asked me to do this before."

As a response starts to build in my head, Mutou announces that class is about to begin. I slowly turn around and make my way back to my seat. The knot unties it's self in my gut, and I put my face in my hands. Being courageous is hard work.

The lesson for the day is about thermodynamics, something that I can't even pretend to understand. Luckily Mutou seems fooled by the confident face that I've got on. He tends to call on the people why look confused, as an excuse to explain something to them personally. it's not about the lesson. As long as he's going to leave me alone my mind has time to wander.

My first thoughts go to Natsume, and the way she'd reacted. I decide that she's just a bit awkward, and not used to questions like that. I find comfort in that. It might just me a little lie I told myself, but it served it's purpose. I began to focus on my class, hoping that maybe today I'd learn something. Before long we're being dismissed.

The first idea that comes to mind is to go any try to talk to Natsume, I turn to look at her and see her excitedly talking to the blonde sitting next to her. Naomi is her name if I'm not mistaken. Naomi has her back to me while Natsume is facing me, but judging by Natsume's face Naomi seems to be just as excited. Natsume catches me looking at her and says something to Naomi, who in response also turns to face me. Naomi's face breaks into a huge grin. Were they talking about me?

I pack up my books and slowly make my way towards them, Natsume stands up and meets me half way.

"So the festival" I comment, trying to spur a conversation.

She slowly nodded, "I'm looking forward to it" her eyes fell towards the ground and she asked in a lower voice, "Are you?"

I make a split-second decision to take a bit of a risk,"I'm spending the night with a beautiful girl, what's not to look forward to?"

Her entire body tensed a bit, and she looked up at me. Our eyes met. Slowly be both broke into smiles.

"Thank you" Her eyes stayed with mine.

I give her a little nod, still smiling.

Naomi called from behind her "I hate to break you two lovers up, but we're going to be late for news, Natsume."

Natsume broke into a blush, "I have to go" she turned to Naomi and took a few steps, then quickly turned back to me "I want you to have this" she held out a little piece of paper.

I took the paper and she slowly turned back to Naomi, and walked with her. I slipped the paper into my pocket. Then it was off to eat lunch, all the normal bullshit. It wasn't until I got back to my dorm when I read that little note.

Akako,

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, I think I would like to see you. You can call me in the morning here.

-Natsume

The note was simple. but it put me into a great mood, at the bottom of the paper was her number, and I quickly put it into my phone before going to bed. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Looking forward to the festival.

[Nubbles20]

--Chapter Two-Festival

My eyes flicker open and I blink a few times. The sleepy feeling that usually follows waking up is absent today. As I sit up a yawn escapes me. Maybe that tired feeling isn't gone after all. I slide my feet off my bed and look down. The sight ruins the feeling.

Leukemia took away a good part of my childhood. I can get over that.

Leukemia took away my right to go to a public school, forcing me into this new school. I've gotten over that.

Leukemia took two of my toes and almost complete feeling in my right foot. I don't think I'll ever got over that.

There is nothing that can be done about my foot, so I try to put it behind me. I stand up and make my way to the window. Outside people are scurrying to get their stalls, preparing for Tanabata in the late morning light. I'm glad that I'm not one of those people, they get up early, and work all day. Fuck that, festivals are about having fun.

My mind shifts gears to Natsume, she'll be expecting me to call her. I need to get ready. As I make my was to the closet, the struggles of choosing something to wear hit me full force. Sifting my way through the messy, over-filled closet I begin to choose the bits of clothing I like, and throw them on the bed. The pile on the bed goes through the same process, and so on. Eventually two things happen, I've strewn clothing all over my dorm, and I'm out of clothes to choose from with no clear solution from the problem. Fantastic work, me.

I grab a gray flannel and dark jeans from the carnage, then head off towards the showers. I shower slowly, making sure that I'm clean, then savoring the warm water; by the time that I'm out and dressed I'm sure that it's at least noon. Before I get out I wipe off the mirror and look at myself for a minute. I'm not sure if I was expecting something new, but I'm almost surprised at what looked me back. Same boy with messy black hair, and a silly smile, same amber eyes. Same everything. I don't feel the same. Maybe I'm going crazy or something.

--A conversation somewhere across the campus

"Are you sure I look good?"

"You look fine Natsume, stop worrying."

"I know, but you know I just-"

"Oh! Natsume, you need to grab your cane."

A silence that seems to drag on.

"I'm not bringing it, it's embarrassing."

"You can't jus-"

"I'm not bringing that thing, Naomi, I'm not."

More silence.




I bust through the door of the boy's dorms and out into the warm fall sunlight. The festival is clearly in full swing, all around me people are in motion, laughing, talking, eating, playing the games set up at the stalls. I briefly wonder how many people are in this crowd, the school didn't seem so big.

A tap on my shoulder from behind makes me turn around. Natsume stands there, smiling. Naomi stands a few feet behind, the smile on her face is betrayed by the sulking look in her eyes.

"Oh, hi" I say, matching Natsume's smile.

"I was beginning to think that you'd forgotten about me, and that I'd gotten all dressed up for nothing" she gestures to her outfit. I noticed how cute she looked then. A white shirt paired with a black jacket, and black short-shorts.

So yeah, she's calling this a date too. I suddenly feel bad about my outfit, it feels plain now.

"Forget about you, Natsume?" Our eyes meet again, "I'd never do that."

Naomi drifts off slowly behind her, and the fake smile fades before she's even completely turned. That's going to have to come up in a conversation later, I want to know what I've done.

"How about we go look around, instead of just standing here?" Natsume pulls me from my thoughts.

"Did you have something in mind?"

"I don't really want to be with all those people if that's OK with you"

"Lead the way then"

She grabs my wrist, and leads me through the mass of people, and to the running trails. Halfway around the school people start to thin out, sea of stalls comes to an end. Eventually we're almost completely alone, walking along one of the longer paths around the school. We slow down to almost a crawl. Silence has followed us like a plague the entire way. It's killing me.

"Do you not like people?" I end silence.

"It's not so much the people as the noise they make" Her gaze falls to the ground as she talks, "I think quiet is a good thing. Plus they bump into me, and I've got bad knees."

"Do I ruin your quiet too?"

"No, talking to you is different"

"Should feel special now"

She giggles, "Oh shut up, you"

I glance over to her and find that she's smiling at me, I can't help but to grin with her. Our eyes lock for a second. She has beautiful eyes. The eye contact breaks as her eyes return ahead, but the smile remains.

Another period of silence, but it's not like the silence before. It seems almost happy. Can silence be happy? Instead of letting my mind wander on the emotions of non-sentient things I decide to bring up Naomi.

"So what was wrong with Naomi earlier"

She sighs beside me "She worries about me too much, like she doesn't realize that I can handle myself."

That was a touchy subject, something for another day. They've just fought, judging by the way she'd said that, and she's still sour over it.

Ahead of us we see the other side of the festival, we've made a full lap around the school, the the mass of people seems to be an unavoidable problem. I turn to Natsume to ask her what we'll do. Chills run down my back as I see her expression. Something is wrong and she's not trying to hide it, her face is contorted in pain and she's limping. Adrenaline rushes through my body and I almost begin to panic. How the had I not noticed her before?

"Natsume?" Panic leaks into my voice

"I'm OK I jus- I really need to sit down" Her voice is laced with pain.

A bench sits only a few yards from us, she slumps into it and clutches her knees. Both her breath and voice are shaking,her face still carries the same painful expression.

"Are you going to be OK?" I slowly lower myself into the seat next to her, and keep my voice calm this time, "The nurses can come check on you."

"My arthritis is acting up, too much pressure on my knees without relief and it gets really bad." She looks up at me with teary eyes, "Akako I don't know what to say. I don't to ruin the entire day for you, but you'll have to sit here with me because of this and--"

"Who said you ruined my day?" That came out as sounding harsh.

"I will, because of this. I'll have to be off my feet for at least an hour, then-"

"So we can spend on hour here, hell I'll spend however long as it takes for your knees to feel better sitting with you."

Her eyes fall to the ground as she nods.

Another silence follows, this one wasn't happy, but an almost sad, thoughtful silence. It lasts for ages.

"So how's the newspaper club treating you" That was an almost sad attempt to change the mood.

"It's good" She perks up a bit, "We're going to be pretty busy tomorrow, writing about the festival"

"What do you write?"

"I've got my own page in the back, it talks about the current moon cycle, what constellations you can see, that kind of stuff; a few times a year we get eclipses too, I write about them when I can, but tomorrow they'll probably have me writing in the main sections too, to fill the pages."

"You like the stars?"

"Yeah, I had to beg for months to get my little section of the paper"

"Maybe I'll have to pick up a paper and read sometime"

"You don't have to do that"

"Would you like if I did?"

She nods enthusiastically, and I know that I've found a topic for conversation that could come up again and again. to avoid another silence I quickly think of something new to say.

"How about you tell me something that I don't know, then?" The expression that hits her face tells me that she's accepted my silly little challenge.

"Did you know that.." Those amazing eyes snap shut as she thinks ".. the moon is drifting away from us, just really slowly."

I rack my mind for a cheesy joke, but nothing comes up. I settle for the next best thing, "But I like the moon"

Giggles echo next to me "It's really slowly, silly, nothing that we'll ever have to deal with" A small pause follows, "Now you tell me something I don't know."

The impulse to take a risk and flirt hits me head on, and I cave. She lays back on the bench and looks at the sky

"You always act like you hate your eyes-"

"I do hate them, they're awful."

"They're cute"

Awful, awkward silence follows, saying that was pushing way too hard. I wonder how long it will take to make up for saying that, that is if I have another chance. My glaze slowly drifts to the girl across the bench from me. Eyes lock. I get a very good look into the eyes that I'd just complimented.

"Akako.." her voice drifts off, it seems that I'm not the only one lost for words about now. More staring follows. The awkwardness of it all makes me want to disappear. Seconds drag on for years.

She tries to force the words again, starting with a little sigh. "Akako, what are we doing?"

"What do you mean?" I know exactly what she means, but I need to be sure. It's not exactly a great subject for the first date, like walking on eggshells, hot coals, and rusty nails all at once.

"What are we trying to do here? What do you want us to be? I can't figure you out. I just--I need to know what I'm getting into"

I caught something in her words there, a knot ties it's self in my gut. "Do you not want anything between us?" my eyes drift away from hers. I feel sick suddenly.

Silence reigns over her for a few moments "I don't even know, you seem to want something between us but I can't be sure. You're just so nice about everything, I'd like to believe you like me but it's almost too good to be true, nothing is completely clear to me, it just got so complicated in two days."

Every word I'd ever learned, ever heard, shatter to bits. Combing through them like bits of sand I put them back together, but the way they sound seems wrong.

"Akako?" Natsume's voice break my concentration. How long have I been quiet? I force myself to begin talking before the words are ready.

"Natsume," That's all I have, but I keep going, "I don't know what to say. I'd like for us to be a thing, but if you don't I don't know if it would ever work. I haven't tried to make it a huge secret that I like you, but you haven't shown any huge interest in me. Am I pushing too hard here?"

"Akako, I'm interested, so you can push as hard as you like" She simply responds.

I wonder if she was as lost for words as I am. I doubt it.

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay, let's get the technical stuff out of the way first:

He tends to call on the people why look confused

Who.

It might just me a little lie

be.

I began to focus on my class

begin.

I'm spending the night with a beautiful girl...

That might be... a bit forward^^° Maybe "evening" would be less prone to misunderstandings?

Her entire body tensed a bit, and she looked up at me. Our eyes met. Slowly be both broke into smiles.
"Thank you" Her eyes stayed with mine.

Two lines that slipped into past tense... Actually a few lot more instances of past tense further down. I'm not going to point them all out. You'll probably be able to find them yourself.

As I make my was to the closet...

way.

I don't to ruin the entire day for you,

"don't want to..."
Apart from the tenses thing and the odd punctuation issue (especially in front of "and" and at the end of sentences) it's mostly just typos, so with a bit more proofreading you should be fine.

As for the story itself...

It follows a boy named Akako Ikuta

You do realize that Akako is a girl's name?

I like your writing style and the way you do your characters. The line about the death of the alarm clock didn't realy fit in with the rest of the story, though.
Also you set a tremendous pace compared with some other "routes." That's not neccessarily a bad thing - in fact it increases the chances that you'll actually finish this
Good luck with that. Looking forward to the next chapter.

P.S.: Viewcount is NOT a reliable indication to the number of readers. It will go up every time someone opens the thread, regardless of whether or not they even read the story. For example, Katawa Aneki or Hanako's story probably both got in excess of 200 views from me, because I always open the thread when someone has commented to mark it read, even though I don't follow the stories.

[Munchenhausen]

I'm liking it so far, pal!
I envisioned Natsume to be less awkward than you depict her but that being said I also depict her to be a secret lesbanum with Naomi however the idea of her being self conscious about her heterochromia gives decent explanation as to why, so I'm alright with this

Aside from the few typos covered by Mirage, I'd say you're coming along nicely! It's always nice to have a Natsume-based piece for once!
Keep up the good work!

[Steinherz]

I'm liking it so far, pal!
I envisioned Natsume to be less awkward than you depict her but that being said I also depict her to be a secret lesbanum with Naomi however the idea of her being self conscious about her heterochromia gives decent explanation as to why, so I'm alright with this

Aside from the few typos covered by Mirage, I'd say you're coming along nicely! It's always nice to have a Natsume-based piece for once!
Keep up the good work!

It's not really secret

[Oddball]

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

[Munchenhausen]

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

"God, he introduces himself and hopes we can all be friends?"

[bhtooefr]

And Aura draws Naomi x Natsume art: http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/list/nxn%20aura/1

Keeping in mind that Natsume is Aura's avatar.

And Naomi is Delta's avatar.

And I checked, most of the nxn tags (including the one on that image that Steinherz posted), and all of the ones on Aura's nxn pics, were set by Delta.

Nope, not gonna speculate.

[Munchenhausen]

Nope, not gonna speculate.

Ohh, no, we shan't speculate.

Won't stop me from fantasizing, mind you

[Guest Poster]

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

That was my assumption as well. Maybe because I assumed 3 lesbians in one rather small class were unusually high odds. I actually heard the term Romantic Friendship being dropped in connection with them.

[XIIHangman]

First off, props to giving Natsume some focus, you don't often see anything pertaining to Natsume or Naomi without it being just a passing mention. I also like how you've written her and the OC's interactions in the few chapters you have out, though it leads into a pretty big flaw of the story so far. The pacing of the story is pretty wild right now, where there would be logical build up to these actions it seems you've gone into the meat of the story with reckless abandon and it leaves a lot to be desired, namely with the OC.

Even though you've already explained that we'd get back story to Akako as time goes on, you've given very little pretense to him interacting with Natsume in the first place or any reason we should root for him. His personality seems similar to Hisao's, if only more snarky, so there is also little reason to use an OC as apposed to Hisao in the first place; for worry of not capturing his character you've managed to make someone who could just as easily be mistaken for Hisao if you swapped the names. My other major issue is how we just seem to be seeing the interactions between Natsume and Akako, with a tiny bit of Naomi, if the character has been at Yamaku for some time wouldn't they have other social interactions like a club or circle of friends, maybe even his own personal Kenji?Add on to that how quickly things are moving and it almost seems as if the reader has missed out on a prequel of sorts to understand what's going on with Akako.

Please only take this as constructive criticism, I'd love to see this story grow. It's far too early to pass any judgement set in stone but i'm sure if you work out the kinks early on you can make it work. The writing is strong technically speaking( grammar-wise I would highly recommend reading your work out loud, lots of minor but noticeable mistakes) but the pacing is really jarring. Keep it up and know you've got another set of watchful eyes on your work!

[Steinherz]

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

That was my assumption as well. Maybe because I assumed 3 lesbians in one rather small class were unusually high odds. I actually heard the term Romantic Friendship being dropped in connection with them.

I believe Natsume and Naomi being lesbian lovers was because of a joke by the devs along the lines of "AuraXDelta OTP".

But yeah, three lesbians in one class seems like rather high odds... *looks at my High School class, had 5 in a 21 person class* Kind of....

[Nubbles20]

Ok,looking through the comments here I'd like to thank you all for the support, and criticism. But after reading it all and taking it into consideration, I'm faced with a few tough choices.
The first would to be to "scrap" this, and rewrite it with Hisao rather than my OC, fix some of the grammar errors, rework the pacing a bit, then reimplement this story-line a few chapters in.
The second would still require a lot of re-working, but I would keep the OC, implement some friends, maybe write a few chapters before all this comes in, and fix the problematic pacing.
The third would be to leave the story, slow the pace a bit, make a few friends, and try I make it better from there.

I'm asking for outside opinions because I'm almost torn between the choices, although I personally think that adapting it to Hisao seems to be one of the better options. But a small question about writing as Hisao, should it be frowned upon to make his first days from scratch, or should I try and follow it as the VN shows it?

[Silentcook]

Frankly, if you don't know what you want to write, just don't write and work out by yourself what you do want to write instead. Polling for outside opinion will only end in tears.

This would also be against forum rules, but amazingly for once I can say that it's not the real issue here.