"Fits of Many Varieties" New Chapter 12/9

[Mirage_GSM]

Not much to say that hasn't already been said.
I agree that your Hisao is very... different compared to the one we know from the VN. That's okay to a degree - Hisao is also a bit different in each of the paths, but be sure you don't take it too far (or if you really want to, be sure to do it deliberately )

[Feurox]

(Insert previous criticism here) I'm interested in seeing this develop, will be monitoring this good work. <3

[Riakai]

[Placeholder for eventual doodles of the Naomi x Hisao, Naomi x Natsume, and eventual Naomi x Hisao x Natsume.]

[sanduba]

Sounds interesting. I have so much to read that I don't know if I'll be able to follow until Act 4 is out, lol

[Riakai]

Sounds interesting. I have so much to read that I don't know if I'll be able to follow until Act 4 is out, lol

Eheheh... That... That'll be a while. I don't even have the story planned out that far... I'm still planning the Relationship Part of it. I have Act 1 planned out, and part of Act 2.
partbeingonly3scenesdon'tjudgeme

[Leaty]

This isn't bad. Personally I prefer seeing Natsume and Naomi as an item, but obviously that's not the sole interpretation.

I'll admit that I don't particularly care for how differently Hisao acts in the beginning; like forgetmenot, I've probably read "Enter Stage Left" a thousand times, so his different demeanor here was more jarring than refreshing. I think this chapter was something you needed to get out of your system—something of a warm-up to writing the rest of the fic—but I can already tell that once you've got a few more chapters under your belt, you might want to discard this first scene entirely. We've already seen it, basically, and I think you can safely start in medias res without getting anybody confused.

Here's a bit of advice—Hisao is the most interesting when the girl he's in love with rubs off on him. He's a notably different person in each of the five routes (and in the Shizune bad end, in microcosm.) To have him start off unfamiliarly kind of steals Naomi's thunder. Speaking metacontextually, it's not your job to change Hisao; it's Naomi's.

One more thing:

I force the stiff uniform on, noting the little brown-devil of a scar, crossing my sternum angrily, tie the... tie... and put on my shoes.

If you mean that Hisao is putting on the Yamaku school uniform, you've made a mistake. On day one, Hisao wears the uniform of his old school, which we never get a chance to see. It isn't until the morning of day two that he puts on the Yamaku uniform his parents left in the dorm room.

This is why Iwanako still wears her old school uniform at Yamaku in Mean Time to Breakdown: she entered her dorm room only to find out that the school was totally out of uniforms in her size.

[Riakai]

This isn't bad. Personally I prefer seeing Natsume and Naomi as an item, but obviously that's not the sole interpretation.

I'll admit that I don't particularly care for how differently Hisao acts in the beginning; like forgetmenot, I've probably read "Enter Stage Left" a thousand times, so his different demeanor here was more jarring than refreshing. I think this chapter was something you needed to get out of your system—something of a warm-up to writing the rest of the fic—but I can already tell that once you've got a few more chapters under your belt, you might want to discard this first scene entirely. We've already seen it, basically, and I think you can safely start in medias res without getting anybody confused.

Here's a bit of advice—Hisao is the most interesting when the girl he's in love with rubs off on him. He's a notably different person in each of the five routes (and in the Shizune bad end, in microcosm.) To have him start off unfamiliarly kind of steals Naomi's thunder. Speaking metacontextually, it's not your job to change Hisao; it's Naomi's.

One more thing:

I force the stiff uniform on, noting the little brown-devil of a scar, crossing my sternum angrily, tie the... tie... and put on my shoes.

If you mean that Hisao is putting on the Yamaku school uniform, you've made a mistake. On day one, Hisao wears the uniform of his old school, which we never get a chance to see. It isn't until the morning of day two that he puts on the Yamaku uniform his parents left in the dorm room.

This is why Iwanako still wears her old school uniform at Yamaku in Mean Time to Breakdown: she entered her dorm room only to find out that the school was totally out of uniforms in her size.

Fair enough, this is my first time writing from Hisao's Point of View, so experimentation is definitely necessary to get his personality correct. I have a hard time getting certain things across in my writing, and changing from my usual character set, as well as my word set (Victorian era), doesn't help much as well. If anyone has a Style Guide for writing Hisao's Point of View, I'd be the most appreciative sonofabitch ever.
(I'd send Asian hookers to your door 3 nights a week, bi-weekly. That's how bloody thankful I'd be.)
I also never realized the no uniform thing was Canon. I'll change that, it's just as simple as changing "stiff" to "loose".
Also, I started off that early because I needed to get a few small lines in there that lead to the Lunchroom Scene I just started writing.

EDIT: And I looooove your Iwanako fic, the "New Game +" aspect is really awesome in it.

[Riakai]

I posted Part 2 of Chapter 1, it's edited into that 2nd Post.
I tried to do the "Show, not tell" thing a bit more this time, but it's a conscious effort.
HERE YA' GO~!

[Oscar Wildecat]

Quick note: The link you use above seems to eat your first two posts. However, they're still there if you go in the regular way. Very interesting...

[bhtooefr]

If you're gonna use that, phpBB zero-indexes the post numbers. You want start=1, not 2.

[Riakai]

That's odd. Oh well, switched to what I was trying to get.

[Mirage_GSM]

The OP does not count in this calculation. "...=2" means you're linking to the second reply.

[Riakai]

The OP does not count in this calculation. "...=2" means you're linking to the second reply.

I figured that much out, regardless, I fixed the link to link directly to the 2nd Part, and this time it shows the whole post this time.

[Riakai]

NOTHING TO SEE HERE

[Mirage_GSM]

No major grammar issues, but some stuff about the pacing caught my eye:

Naomi's probably got a thing for you, man.

Wow, that was quick...

"Shut up Kun!"

Interesting name I don't think it's in use in Japan, though.

"We should probably head back to our classes,"

Did I miss a time-skip somewhere? He just sat down less than... let's say 30 seconds ago.

The afternoon's classes pass uneventfully, and I start walking back towards my the library.

How does he know where the library is?