Precipitation- A Molly Pseudo Route . Update 8/12/13

[Guestimate]

Sorry, gotta agree there, the "like pancakes" bit is completely out of tone for the scene, and just kind of jolts you out of the story.

[Feurox]

Something like "As the great hundred tun mountain of steel barreled towards me in an unstoppable rush of destruction, I knew escape was not possible. A strange calm fell over me as I gently laid down on the road, feeling the cool asphalt caressing my cheek as if saying a final goodbye. I looked up towards the clouds and smiled as I felt the beginnings of rain, as the vibration of the steamtroller grew ever closer, my final thought as the massive monstrosity came into view, was "These clouds are beautiful today, if only I had my camera"?

Terrible writing, I know, but I think he was trying to convey something like that, the "Calm before Death" or w.e you call it.

That was tremendously good And That was what I was trying I do but My god your description blows mine way out the water XD I love you Goatman <3 You help me more than I think you understand

[Feurox]

Sorry, gotta agree there, the "like pancakes" bit is completely out of tone for the scene, and just kind of jolts you out of the story.

I can defiantly agree there actually I will change it when I get back from Poland Thank you <3

[Helbereth]

An excerpt from something I abandoned a while back, this is how I handled a character's death scene from the first person perspective:

Coughing and gasping as blood filled my lungs, my oxygen deprived mind tried to delay the inevitable, sending me twitching involuntarily as I listened to the heavyset approach of my murderer. Despite my persistent defiance, youthful optimism, and all the passionate speeches I'd offered, in that final moment, despair is all that filled my heart. Faces flashed before my eyes—Hisao, Emi, Rin and even Kenji—and I felt tears streak across my cheeks, tears for the ones I'd failed. It was over, I had lost, and anyone who mistakenly counted on my victory was doomed to face a similarly torturous death.

As the creature's final step set a giant, claw-laden foot down on top of my neck, I sputtered and tried to move in vain, but all my strength was gone. It waited there sadistically, probably grinning as I watched a pool of my blood soaking into the floor. Numbness started ascending from my legs, and my eyes rolled back as life started abandoning my ruined body, but still it waited. Finally blackness started to fill my vision, and my lungs flexed one last time. My lips tried to form a word as the breath escaped, but all I could make was one last gurgling noise, and then the pain was simply gone.

I felt no comfort in the touch of oblivion.

[TheGoatman]

An excerpt from something I abandoned a while back, this is how I handled a character's death scene from the first person perspective:

Coughing and gasping as blood filled my lungs, my oxygen deprived mind tried to delay the inevitable, sending me twitching involuntarily as I listened to the heavyset approach of my murderer. Despite my persistent defiance, youthful optimism, and all the passionate speeches I'd offered, in that final moment, despair is all that filled my heart. Faces flashed before my eyes—Hisao, Emi, Rin and even Kenji—and I felt tears streak across my cheeks, tears for the ones I'd failed. It was over, I had lost, and anyone who mistakenly counted on my victory was doomed to face a similarly torturous death.

As the creature's final step set a giant, claw-laden foot down on top of my neck, I sputtered and tried to move in vain, but all my strength was gone. It waited there sadistically, probably grinning as I watched a pool of my blood soaking into the floor. Numbness started ascending from my legs, and my eyes rolled back as life started abandoning my ruined body, but still it waited. Finally blackness started to fill my vision, and my lungs flexed one last time. My lips tried to form a word as the breath escaped, but all I could make was one last gurgling noise, and then the pain was simply gone.

I felt no comfort in the touch of oblivion.

This is a good way to write a climatic, gruesome, or simply a "die damnit" death, but I'm a sucker for the apathy in the face of death approach. Nice gun you got there bro, man this thing's a niiiice pillow, you should sell these. I also possess an avid hatred for cliche endings (the typical "x char sacrifices themself for feels/etc at the end")

[Numb]

Writing explicit death in first person is near impossible to do, though we do try. Until we can ask somebody what the feeling of death is like, nobody will ever get it right, which is why I prefer implicit deaths like the one in "Rooftops".

One thing I will say, always do your research. Whether you're writing about somebody missing an entire arm or just a thumb, or somebody with a condition like epilepsy, always do some research on the condition before you write it. I didn't when I first started writing my Suzu character in Blossom, basing her almost entirely on Scissorlips' version, but now I've fixed it. She doesn't just collapse anymore and whenever she does fall asleep it's never noticed until the group moves somewhere else. Going into something with no knowledge of it and trying to make it realistic will ultimately fail. Have fun in Poland, try to take some inspiration from the area. It isn't every day you can visit another culture, so learn as much about it as you can for future writing

[Feurox]

Hey sorry its been so long, Life has been pretty busy XD Exams and the like :/ I'm just experimenting with length here soo please leave all feedback and criticism, I'm learning after all.




Chapter 1



Urgh.

Again I slam my head into the pillow, hoping that if the force doesn’t put me to sleep the coolness of the pillow will.

No such luck.

With my fair share of groans and moans, I yank myself from the bed sheet, flinging them to the floor in my sleep deprived rage.

Well I’m actually too tired to be angry, but hey, a bit of dramatization never hurt anybody.

A small sliver of light spills through the partition of the curtains, dancing leisurely over my unadorned room and gently brushing against my face. Warming my check slightly as it passes over me.

The assortment of pills rest on my nightstand, seventeen little reminders at why I’m at a school for the disabled.

Preparing myself with about the same amount of energy as a sloth, I pull myself out of the room. I briefly consider knocking on Kenji’s door, to see if he’s awake.

I Immediately slap myself.

Half stumbling, I walk through the corridor my hand skimming against the wall, weaving in and out of every small groove and brushing softly against the wooden doors. The stairs take me out of my reverie, catching me completely by surprise as I almost tumble down them. Passing by the common room I’m greeted with a polite...wave? The nub on the end of his arm flailing through the air and a burnt piece of toast hanging out the side of his mouth.

How do you get used to this? Where am I supposed to look? What do I say? It’s all so overwhelming, and with everyone preparing for the festival I’ve been dropped right in the midst of things. I really don’t want to spend the day with Kenji, He seems nice enough but a little weird at the least.

The early morning sun sweeps across my face as I push the door open, groaning as the fatigue hits me like a wave.

I stand there for the best of three minutes, looking like a complete fool losing a battle against the morning. The ravenous grumbling of my stomach pulls me out of my reverie, and reminds me how every morning should start.

With a hearty breakfast of course!

With my new motive driving me forward, I half-stagger along the paths of Yamaku, the deep green trees ebbing with each breeze, and the soft, welcoming, grass beckoning me to submit and collapse into its velvety embrace.

Defying all odds I reach the cafeteria, yawning intensely as push the doors open.

I am immediately shocked by the contrast from yesterday lunch, only a few people are scattered across the tables, and the deafening noise of yesterday is no more than a whimper, born of the early risers. After grabbing my breakfast, I search for a place to sit. I recognise a rather large boy from my class alone on a table, slowly dancing his fork across his plate as it chimes against the metal. He waves at me, a smile spreading across his face.

I guess I’m sitting with him then.

As my plate clanks against the table he looks at me with a face flushed with interest, before making large motions circling his ear. Its only now I notice the strap around his arm, locking it to his chest.

“Ummm Hey?” The worlds tumble out my mouth in a barely audible tone, as a thought strikes me mid sentence, what if he’s deaf? And those motions were to convey that to me? Ahh crap.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this school.

“Oh okay, You’re not deaf or mute or anything, Just making sure, after all, I’m absolute rubbish at sign. The names Arai by the way, but you can call me Taro. last names are so stuffy.”

The relief of him not being deaf washes over me, and the nervousness of meeting someone new is gone completely, something about the way he speaks is just calming. Weird.

“Well, I’m Nakai, but I guess Hisao if we’re going by first names. I just transferred here.”

“Yeah, we’re in the same class. You fitting in well then?”

Oh boy am I!

“No not really, I just can’t get used to the flow of things, I can’t help define people by their disabilities, Like that girl with no arm, or the guy without the ear.” Whoa, that came out of nowhere. I guess that’s been building up inside for a while.

“Ahh man, don’t worry about it. The first few days are always hard, but you adapt and get used to it.” His tone is reassuring and I have no reason to doubt him, but it’s just so hard to believe.

He seems content with the small nod I give in response as I start to eat. A brief silence passes over us before he speaks again.

“Monoplegia.” He says his voice remaining in that calm tone, not patronizing or self-pitying.

“Basically this arm is completely paralyzed.” I nod in acknowledgement, unsure where he is going with this. He looks me up and down, before bowing his head and sighing. Maybe he wanted me to tell him about my condition?

“I work at a restaurant in town called the Beijing, You’d think it would be hard to cook with a bad arm, and you’d be right but I still manage.” He breaths in deeply, before continuing with that same calming voice.

“Basically, everybody is dealt cards. Some of us get the bad hands, but we still play with the hands we’re dealt. “

Oh, I guess he’s noticed my excessive moping. I know what he is saying, and I appreciate it. I guess the least I could do is tell him why I’m here.

“Arrhythmia.” There, done. That wasn’t too hard.

From the look on his face it’s safe to assume he wasn’t expecting me to tell him. I guess I should continue then.

“Basically I have a broken heart, it beats abnormally and one hit to the chest could kill me.” The ending comes off slightly more bitter than intended, and I visibly grimace at the thought. He notices this and I see something In his eyes, something I really hadn’t hoped to see for a long time.

Pity.

No, I’m not broken or useless, I’m not going to let my condition dominate me.

“You know what though? I’m still me. “The look of pity vanishes from his face, replaced by a grin of accomplishment. Is that what he was trying to do all along? Get me to cheer up? Well, I feel a lot better actually.

Mission accomplished I guess.

“Well since you’re still Hisao, how about spending lunch with me and some friends, meet some people? “ That grin of his is infectious, and he just seems so friendly that I don’t think I could say no. It’s not like I have anywhere to go anyway.

“Ah I suppose I’ll tag along, who are these friends?” Don’t sound too desperate Hisao. Play it cool.

“I suppose you’ll find out.” He says as he chuckles lightly too himself, clearly wanting to leave me in suspense. Only now do I realise the time, as everyone else in the cafeteria has slowly flitted out. Noticing this too, Taro puts his tray back.

Taro gets up with me and we walk the corridors, now buzzing with activity and life.

Before long we arrive outside of our homeroom, in time for lessons but already packed with students ready for the first lesson. Taro bids me farewell and takes his seat leaving me to sit with the Pink drilled speaker, and her puppeteer.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on them, after all I barely know them, I might as well look at this in a positive light.

Misha opens her mouth to say something but is cut off by a slightly hung over Mutou entering the class mid-lecture.

~@~@~
The class passes rather uneventfully, with Mutou writing up some simple questions which I finish quickly. Leaving me to stare out the window blankly, my eyelids growing heavier.

“Please complete pages 14 and 15 in your-“

The ringing of the bell and packing of the class prevents him from continuing so he just slumps into his chair, accepting that he is powerless to get his message across. Taro waves me from his seat at the back.

“Let’s go grab some lunch then.” He doesn’t wait for a response and we head out the class in a calm silence.

“I thought there were other people?”I ask into thin air, just mumbling to myself.

“Well there will be, they just had to go to the library or something.” Taro answers.

Well I guess that answers that then.

The cafeteria bursts with activity, with people queuing for their lunch and others occupying the tables. We take our place in the line, stepping forward periodically.

“This place is packed Taro, No way are we gonna get a seat.” My voice is almost drowned out by the thundering noise of the canteen.

“You thought we were eating in here? This place is really cramped, we’re going outside to eat. Oh! Get a curry bread by the way, she won’t forgive me for forgetting.”

“She?” Oh Taro, I thought you were going to keep me in the dark?

“Yeah, she is eating with us and you don’t want to see her sleepy rage.” He laughs lightly whilst he speaks and I realise that I need to actually buy some food.

With My lunch and the extra curry bread in arm, we head out the cafeteria and through the expanse of corridor into the bright sun of the afternoon. Two girls sit talking to each other on the field waving at Taro.

As we sit my eyes are immediately drawn to the girl with no legs.

Well she has legs, but they’re not real?

I quickly look away, feeling uncomfortable already.

Maybe this was a bad idea?

“Hey I’m Suzu.” The girl with sea-green hair says, “And this is Molly, no point using last names.”

They both look at me and smile, making me feel a little more welcome.

“I’m Hisao; it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Smooth.

“Well now that we’ve had this little meeting let’s eat, I’m starving.” Taro states, my grumbling stomach agreeing completely.

“You’re always hungry!” Suzu teases, whilst pinching some of the fat on his belly. “And where’s my curry bread?”

“I’m big boned okay?” Taro replies, chuckling slightly as he does. “Hisao has your curry bread, Harass him. Can’t a guy eat his lunch in peace around here?” He says now in a barrage of laughter, and I find myself laughing as well. The awkward feeling now gone.

Suzu reaches across and grabs the curry bread from my outstretched hand, laughing as she does so.

The rest of the lunch break passes quickly as Taro and Suzu banter with each other, exchanging playful jabs and asking me light questions about my thoughts on Yamaku.

“So are you doing anything for the festival Hisao?” Molly asks, surprising me as it’s the first time I’ve heard her speak.

“Wow you move quick!” Taro exclaims, before being punched in the stomach.

“I didn’t mean it like that you jerk!” She laughs, all seriousness vanishing from her face.

“Well, I dunno to be honest, It haven’t really thought about it.” I say in between bouts of laughter.

Suzu and Molly stare at each other for a moment, before looking straight at me, with a completely serious face. Killing my laughter almost immediately.

I’m terrified.

“Oh shit.” Taro says looking at me, A wide smile on his lips.

“THAT JUST WON’T DO!” The girls shout in unison the likes of which could match Misha, causing me to jump in shock and drawing attention from all the other groups of people on the field. The ringing in my ears begins to die down, and the girls have a huge grin plastered on each of their faces.

“Well, it’s sorted.” Suzu says, “You’re spending the festival with us”

I begin to protest that I barely know them, but the looks on their faces say. “We have you now.” Reminding me of a certain duo.

Is this school just full off terrifying girls?

[AntonSlavik020]

The canteen bursts with activity, with people queuing for their lunch and others occupying the tables.

Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.

That said, solid chapter. Nice to this this continued at any rate, Molly doesn't get enough love.

[Feurox]

The canteen bursts with activity, with people queuing for their lunch and others occupying the tables.

Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.

That said, solid chapter. Nice to this this continued at any rate, Molly doesn't get enough love.

Ahh Well in England a canteen is like a cafteria as Elizabeth would say "facts and variables" Also thank you

[bhtooefr]

Working on a list of edits. Consider avoiding British-isms like that, especially if they aren't used in the VN itself. (Hanako's route, and IIRC Lilly's as well, had some Australian phrasing creep in, but generally they stuck to words that meant the same thing in all dialects of English.)

[Numb]

Working on a list of edits. Consider avoiding British-isms like that, especially if they aren't used in the VN itself. (Hanako's route, and IIRC Lilly's as well, had some Australian phrasing creep in, but generally they stuck to words that meant the same thing in all dialects of English.)

This. Despite being a Brit myself, I've started using Americanisms like 'mom' instead of 'mum', "store" instead of 'shop', things like that. Of course, I still use British spelling for words like 'colour' and 'armour', those things will never change. I would consider doing this if you plan to post content online, as the majority of the English speaking internet populous use American-English (at least in my experience)

[Mirage_GSM]

The nub on the end of his arm flailing through the air

Who is "he"?

He laughs lightly whilst he speaks

It's been sometime since I've seen that word used by someone other than Shakespeare.

Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.

Yeah, that's what Jagged Alliance conditioned me to think of as well^^° I've seen it used often enough to know the other meaning as well, but in the VN they use "cafeteria." In this case I think cafeteria is the safer choice since this will be understood by both Americans and Brits, while canteen will confuse most Americans.
This chapter was a lot better than the first one, but at the beginning I was again a bit confused by the seeming time skip - or as becomes clear later - flashback. If youuse flashbacks, you should indicate that to your readers in some way^^°
Oh, and I think you didn't fix the stuff people pointed out about chapter one. Your sun is still braking.

[Feurox]

Firstly thank you and I'm glad you think I have improved, I spent a lot more time on this one and tried not to rush it, but again was busy with exams and the like.

Who is "he"?

In personal opinion, it doesn't matter. :/ Though, maybe I should have specified? :/

It's been sometime since I've seen that word used by someone other than Shakespeare.

Is this bad or good? Ahah, I'm not going to say he hasn't influenced me XD But is this really Shakespearean?

In this case I think cafeteria is the safer choice since this will be understood by both Americans and Brits, while canteen will confuse most Americans.

Darn, well, I suppose its American-English for me from now on XD Thank you

Your sun is still braking.

I'm terrible, seriously XD Please forgive me. (Will avoid)

[Mirage_GSM]

In personal opinion, it doesn't matter. :/ Though, maybe I should have specified? :/

Well, "his" is a pronoun. That usually means that there usually is a noun it is substituted for. Ideally that nound should have been mentioned at least once before^^°

Is this bad or good? Ahah, I'm not going to say he hasn't influenced me XD But is this really Shakespearean?

It is certainly a word Shakespeare used quite a bit. It is also a word modern English uses... not so much.
Good or bad? Depends what you want to show. If your message is that Hisao is proficient in archaic English (or by extenshion archaic Japanese) then this would be a good way

[Silentcook]

I have had to bitchslap so may "whilst"s away from the writings of crud and Suriko that I lost count. It's definitely a Britishism and therefore it's all Shakespeare's fault, but it's not that uncommon, particularly with writers given to flights of fancy.

Don't even get me started on "servery" X/