Calm and Stormy Nights(HisaoxLilly post good end, HanakoxOC)

[RazzMaDazz]

Hey guys so this is my first attempt of writing anything, ever. Of coarse I have written essays for school but this is the first story I have written. Critique is heavily welcomed cause it will only help me get better.

Why I wanted to make this series
Because I feel that the post Lilly good end has the most issues to resolve. I'm not going to say anything else cause doing so will give away future plots and we can't do that now can we. Too bad, you're just going to have to put up with my writing MUHAHAHAHAHHA >:D *begs for you not to leave from my idiocy*.



Updates
If you happen to like my writing for some reason and are asking when I'll be updating this series the answer is I'm going to be releasing ch. weekly or bi weekly when I'm really busy.

Now to the actual content. This prologue is a introduction to my oc.

Prologue: A introduction to me

Darkness falls around me. I look at the clock on the bottom right of my computer screen, it reads 11:34 PM.

So another day has passed without me realizing such, gone in the little reality I create for myself while time passes around me, I oblivious of its existence. I look up at the machine I built to create this reality. Black, shiny and emitting a green necromantic glow that lights up my room from its large window in the side panel. It hums, vibrating with the force of 9 fans, purring like some large predatory cat.

I sigh and get up stiffly from my chair, stretch and look around my messy room to find my running cloths and shoes.

After I slid the polyester garments on I start doing my exercises. Push ups, bicep curls, crunches, all of this the same way I do it every other night, done with quick precision. All of them helping to get out the kinks from sitting in a chair all day.

When thinking about it I guess I only exercise to keep myself sane during the summer, otherwise I would slowly lose my grasp on what day of the week it was and then worse. Also I think I would become glued to my chair.

I get up from doing the last of my crunches and head towards my bedroom door grabbing my phone in the process.

My mom shouldn’t be home from work yet for another hour and my dad left for work 2 hours ago so no need to alert anyone of my departure.

I walk down the tall, dark, lonely hallways until I find my self in the entry hallway and step outside. Its still around 80 degrees but I don’t mind, I’ve always loved warm temperatures. I take a look at the clock on my phone. 11:50.

I firmly grip my phone and take off running down the street. I suppose another reason I exercise is to get away from my thoughts, its strange how running can cause you brain to “run away” from the things that trouble you constantly, as I think that I am reminded of my fears and I start to run faster trying to do the same metaphorically in my mind, trying to escape from my thoughts.

I turn two corners and I’m out on a main street running in the bike lane. Running at night has always calmed me down, the orange glow of the street lamps separated by a void of darkness, and the absence of sound. Times like these are when I feel like the world is truly at peace…

A car rounds the corner ahead of me accelerating and blasting down the road at full speed, the radio is blaring at max volume and the guys in the car are yelling at the tops of their lungs.

…Well mostly.

The idiots zoom by, the exhaust pouring out of the modified muffler chokes me, and I’m reminded why I choose to go into that other reality. I hate this society and the people that inhabit it, while I know there are a lot of people that are completely rational you also get a lot people like these.

I turn right going down another main street focusing on the air going through my nose.

This street a main pipeline for traffic during the day is completely abandoned. The wind picks up making it slightly harder to run but also helps to cool me down.

My mind starts to wander, thinking about random things.

Soon everything just turns into a blur. I turn onto another street and then another, time seeming to increase. I cross the 2 mile point and I start to breath out of my mouth. Then in what seems like a short amount of time I cross the 3 mile point turning onto the street my house is on.

I take off in a final sprint to my house, my legs on fire and my breath coming in ragged gasps. I am almost to my house. I put forth on final spurt of energy.

One of my legs doesn’t respond.

I move my other leg to brace myself. It doesn’t respond either?

I move my arms, wait no they aren’t moving. My head rushes to meet the asphalt.

A boy that seems familiar is on an operating table, doctors swarming around him making incisions all over his body and doing complex medical procedures. My view zooms out to a hospital my view getting distorted from the shining sun, and now the hospital is rapidly moving away. Now my view is of an ocean passing underneath with great speed, then a body of land rushes up to me, and my view zooms up to an airport. I look around the crowd and a boy catches my eye, a boy that is rushing like his life depends on it. He crashes into people and mutters hastened apologies to them in Japanese before sprinting off again. He calls out a name while crashing in to somebody and is sent to the ground. He reaches his arm out into the air before he collapses.

People asking if he’s ok, a blond girl holding the boy screaming and crying, a women in a suit picking the boy up slinging him over her shoulder with her cell phone in her other hand, it all slowly fades to black.

I wake slowly but surely from what seemed like unconsciousness, I didn’t remember anything if I was dreaming at any rate.

It’s hard to move but I stiffly turn my head.

My dad is sitting there looking at me. He looks more serious than his usual relaxed self. He speaks, his voice deep and different from his usual relaxed tone, “You’re awake, good we need to talk,”

I try to sit up but try as I might my body just doesn’t seem like it wants to move. My dad see’s the expression of pain on my face.

“You won’t be able to move for a week or two, and it’s amazing that you were able to recover from this at all.”

I look back at my dad, his face stone cold as before.

“Why?”

My voice sounds totally foreign to me, it sounds like I’m more of a frog than a human right now.

My dad shifts in his seat slightly.

“You remember how you lost your hearing in your left ear when you were ten?”

I do how I could not. At the time a virus entered my body through my ear. Apparently some people reacts differently to certain viruses and in this case the virus ate away most of my auditory nerve. Then it continued to give me a fever that lasted for weeks.

I manage to croak out a response of agreement.

“The doctor said that some of the virus that caused your hearing loss survived inside your body. The surviving pathogens were somehow able to mutate from a virus that uses the lytic cycle to reproduce to one that uses the lysogenic cycle to do so,”.

What is he getting at? After a brief pause he continues.

“So after years of lying dormant in your DNA and spreading amongst your nerve cells the virus wants to become active,”

“What the hell do you mean dad? Just get to the end already.” My voice is even more distorted then it already is from my panic.

My dad sighs, he looks like he is about to give my death sentence.

“With out medication to suppress the virus, it will wake up and destroy your entire nervous system,”

…

My dad soldiers through, while my mind is in complete disarray.

“The medication is hard on your body and needs to be taken monthly, and there is a good chance that the medication will not work and the virus will be able to come active a few days later.”

I just sit there quietly listening to my fate, like there is anything else I can do.

“You need to be kept under constant medical surveillance, yet at the same time you have to still get an education?”

What is he getting to now? Sometimes I hate his way of taking the long route instead of telling me out right.

“No facilities around here can really give the amount of care you need if something goes wrong…”

My dad paused for a moment then switches to speaking in Japanese.

“You’re still fluent in Japanese right?”

A nod is all I can give, if I can’t talk in English right now my Japanese would sound outright pitiful.

“Alright, then it’s settled once you recover you will be going to a private school in Japan called yamaku that’s for the physically disabled.”

…

WHAT?!

[Mirage_GSM]

For all the hanako fans freaking out and the other people that just want to know more about my OC I'll introduce what he looks like

Don't! Do that in the story.

has lived in California... 6' 3.5 ... weighs 175... athletic/muscular build... avid gamer (strategy and competitive shooters)... extremely tech savvy... enjoys manga/anime... fluent in Japanese

In other words, he is an idealized version of yourself. Congratulations. You've made medoubt the quality of the story before it even started.
...
...
Okay, having finished the prologue I can say the writing itself is not bad. A few typos here and there but nothing major.
Two of them right up in the introduction:

Too bad, you're just going to have to put up with my writing...

As for the story itself:

“You’re awake, good we need to talk,”

Those are the first words of his father after he wakes up from a coma? No "How do you feel?" or something like it?

And of course the Mary Sue Main Character... Probably nothing much you can do about that by now, but at least give him some flaws so he doesn't become too boring. If you make him a suave, good looking, Einstein level intellect athlete whom everybody likes, nobody will be interested in the story.
Since you say this is your first story ever, don't take my criticism too hard. The first story one writes will almost invariably suck. Don't let it discourage you.

[RazzMaDazz]

For all the hanako fans freaking out and the other people that just want to know more about my OC I'll introduce what he looks like

Don't! Do that in the story.

has lived in California... 6' 3.5 ... weighs 175... athletic/muscular build... avid gamer (strategy and competitive shooters)... extremely tech savvy... enjoys manga/anime... fluent in Japanese

In other words, he is an idealized version of yourself. Congratulations. You've made medoubt the quality of the story before it even started.
...
...
Okay, having finished the prologue I can say the writing itself is not bad. A few typos here and there but nothing major.
Two of them right up in the introduction:

Too bad, you're just going to have to put up with my writing...

As for the story itself:

“You’re awake, good we need to talk,”

Those are the first words of his father after he wakes up from a coma? No "How do you feel?" or something like it?

And of course the Mary Sue Main Character... Probably nothing much you can do about that by now, but at least give him some flaws so he doesn't become too boring. If you make him a suave, good looking, Einstein level intellect athlete whom everybody likes, nobody will be interested in the story.
Since you say this is your first story ever, don't take my criticism too hard. The first story one writes will almost invariably suck. Don't let it discourage you.

Thank you for your critique, don't worry I know your giving me the greatest kindness in telling me how I suck.