Puzzled Hearts - Hanako (Good End) After Story

[DeoxFeels]

Hey guys, new guy here =) Been lurking on the forums for a while, but finally got my lazy ass to join this awesome forum. Been reading a ton of fan fictions here, lots of great stuff! Really inspiring.

I'll just point out a couple of things, while this is a sorta short piece of work, I've been brainstorming this for a couple of months, and bigger chapters will come!
Also, English is not really my first language, I will however do my outmost to make it a pleasent read for you guys, so please point out mistakes you find annoying, and I'll try to immprove and update older texts. I have a tendancy to overlook minor mistakes and such, so fire at me with all you got. This goes with the story as well.

This fanfic takes place mainly after the original game, and I'll try to tie the different paths in order to create a deeper story, but for the sake of creativity I will add a couple of things here and there, hope you don't mind!

The story mostly revolve around Hanako and Hisao, even though they're in a relationship, they still have some difficulties. While I will try to make this a tad exiting, I'll try my best to stay true to the cast of characters and the original plot to some degree. Aka no vampires. Tho, I promise fluff and feels.

Well, I hope you like my little prologue, I'll finish the next installment by next week! =)

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Puzzled Hearts – Hanako (Good End) After Story

Prologue

I found myself yet again staring out of the window during class, it's becoming a habit. Autumn is truly a beautiful season though, it's hard not to admire the fresh air blowing carefully through the endless sea of coloured trees. The scenery outside the glass panel seems like its own world, separated entirely from ours. While the classroom is filled with chatter or Mutou’s lectures, the world outside is tranquil and peaceful, like it had never felt the presence of humans. It’s very calming. It’s moments like these which make me really appreciate this school, regardless how strange it may seem to an outsider. Winter will be here soon as well, which means graduation is nearby.

I sigh over the thought. I’ve gotten so used to this new environment; it feels like a second home to me now. When I think back, it is incredible how fast time has flown by. Looking back, a few complicated things happened, however the positive heavily outweigh the rest. I chuckle to myself; I used to be so awkward when I first began my new life here, and now… Everything seems so different, yet not. It’s actually really difficult to explain, but since I got together with Hanako a couple of months back, it feels like a part of this isolated world will always live on with me, even after our graduation. The very thought sends a tender red colour to my cheeks, and before I realise it, I’m grinning to myself like a fool.

‘’Nakai, day dreaming aren’t we?’’ The dry voice of our homeroom teacher forcibly drags me back into the reality.

‘’Ehh… I just…’’ I couldn’t really come up with a good excuse, I was daydreaming after all. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve been lost in my own thoughts.

‘’Well, anyhow… Pay more attention to the lecture would you please?’’ His answer sparks a couple of giggles here and there in the classroom, much to my embarrassment. I respond with an awkward nod.

I peer to Hanako’s seat, her eyes meeting mine. She smiles back, although very visibly blushing. Before I turn my head, I could swear she looked down for a second, seemingly shameful in some way. I wonder if something is on her mind, if so, I should talk with her during lunch break, as Mutou doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about group work today.



During lunch break, I head for Hanako’s desk, poking her shoulder. Her one visible dark orb meeting mine. She seems nervous. Not too strange, considering her incredible shyness, and how this boyfriend girlfriend thing is new to her. Can’t really say I have too much experience in the field either though.

‘’Want to fetch some lunch?’’ I ask, waiting a couple of seconds for a response.

She reply with a cheerful, though flustered nod. Even though our relationship had reached another level, she was still a bit shy with me in public, although she’s gotten better. I guess it’s quite obvious to the crowds that we’re dating. Even though this is Yamaku, rumours tend to spread like a wildfire like any other High School.

We take our leave together. While exiting the classroom, I could swear I heard Misha making some kind of cheesy whistling sounds back in the other end. Damn it! Cut us some slack!


We head to our usual lunching location, the quiet tea room. Usually Lilly would accompany us, but she moved overseas to live with her family. I guess Hanako still struggles with Lilly's absence. Even if we spend a great deal of time together, it's a little lonely.

I seat myself, trying to find a decent position to relax in, while Hanako unpacks her lunch and some tea. While it’s normal for her to be quiet, even now we being ‘that’, I can’t shrug of the feeling that she’s even quieter lately. She pours some tea in both of our small cups and shares a slice of her sandwich with me. Without exchanging any special words to one another. I decide to take action.

‘’Hey, Hanako… is something wrong?’’ I ask, bit put off by the expression she gave during class.

‘’N-nothing particular…’’ Putting on a reassuring face. I’m not buying it, me being me.

‘’You sure? Spill the beans if there’s something bothering you.’’ Her almost childlike smile curves up her face. Damn so cute! But to my dismay, it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. Thus, silence fell over us. I knew pushing her wouldn’t do much, if there is in fact something, she would tell me, even if it is worrying, I just have to give her some space. I try not to worry about it, and sip my tea. Bitter.

‘’U-um… Hisao… r-remember when I told you about my stay at the o-orphanage when I was y-younger?’’ This manner of speech between us is giving me a serious dosage of déjà vu.

‘’Yeah? What about it?’’ I try to meet her eyes, but she fiddles with her locks, while peering down at the desk.

‘’W-well I-i… I m-mean…’’ She starts softly, while being incredibly nervous. Even for her. I nod for her to continue, but she seems to ponder about what she just said, and thus the conversation dies off, if you may call it that. Seems like our relationship still need some work... But it felt like we had improved.

‘’I-its n-nothing…’’ She reply, while finally looking at me, wielding a face I can’t really make out. I was meaning to ask further about it when the bell rings. Talk about timing. Before I can say anything else, she mumbles something, and takes off. No kiss? Aw. Joking aside, I peer at her tea, untouched and cold.


I guess there really is something bothering her. I sigh to myself.



 Next up: Act 1: Distance

[bpgbcg]

This seems like it could be interesting, although I'm not much of a judge of writing. Some of the things Hisao says seem slightly out of character, at least for me, though; for example, I can't see him referring to Lilly as "the poor thing", although I guess even that could happen under the right (sufficiently joking) circumstances.

Since you wanted feedback on the grammar and stuff, I'll list what I found, although there are those much, much better at close reading/editing than I am.

"Matou's lectures"--probably just a typo, should be Mutou.

"the world outside is tranquil and peaceful, like it had never felt the presence of humans. It’s very calming however." I'm not sure about using "however" in this circumstance. Usually I would use it to denote something that is in some sense unexpected or at least changes what your perception would originally be. A "tranquil and peaceful" world would naturally be calming. It's possible that you wanted to denote the contrast between the chatter of the classroom and the tranquility outside, but in that case you might want to structure it differently, i.e. "The classroom is almost always filled with chatter or Mutou's lectures; however, the world outside is tranquil and peaceful. It's very calming." (Again, someone else could probably suggest a much better revision.) Also, I think in your original sentence you might want a comma between calming and however.

"It’s moments like these which make me really appreciate this school, nevertheless how strange it may seem to outsider." Nevertheless isn't really used correctly here, at least in my opinion. I would say something like "It's moments like these which make me really appreciate this school, regardless of how strange it might seem to outsiders." (You should also pluralize outsider, or say "an outsider".)

"When I think back, its incredible how fast time has flown by." it's (you mean "it is" here).

"A lot of complicated things happen, however a lot of good things as well." This sounds slightly awkward and I think some of the tenses are wrong. Also, you might want to repeat the word happen:

"A lot of complicated things happened, but a lot of good things happened as well." I think you use the word however quite a bit and often in somewhat awkward circumstances; you can probably just use "but" here.

"It’s actually really difficult to explain, however since I got together with Hanako a couple of weeks back..." I think "however" should just be replaced with "but". They're somewhat different in their use. You could still use however but you would probably need a comma after it.

" His answer sparks a couple of giggles there and there in the classroom..." The more commonly used expression, at least from my own experience, is "here and there".

"Matou doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about group work today." (Should be Mutou again.)

"Even though this is Yamaku, rumours tend to spread like a wildfire like any other High School." I think this should be "like in any other High School". Unless, of course, the high school is itself spreading like wildfire.

"while Hanako unpack her lunch and some tea" (Hanako unpacks)

"even now we being ‘that’" I can't say I've heard this expression before, but maybe others have, so it might be fine.

"I can’t shrug of the feeling" shrug off

"shares a slice of her sandwich to me" Usually you would say sharing with someone, rather than to someone.

"without exchanging any special world to one another" Did you mean word instead of world? Just wondering because this sort of confused me.

"N-notning" I think this is just a typo, should be "N-nothing."

"Thus, silence fell over us." The tense is inconsistent with the rest of the story, it should be "falls" instead of "fell".

"This manner of speech between us giving me a serious dosage of déjà vu." There's a verb missing, it should be "is giving me" instead of just "giving me".

"I try to meet her eyes, but fiddles with her locks." butshe fiddles with her locks.

"and thus the conversation died off..." again, died should be dies. (same tense error as before).

"‘’I-its n-nothing…’’ She said" said==>says

"wielding a face" Again, this is something that I've never heard before, but I suppose it could work.

"Before I could say anything else"--same tense error. Should be "Before I can say anything else"

Anyway, that's all I found. I'm rather new to this forum and I'm not sure if these sorts of small grammatical corrections are better sent by PM instead, so sorry if it's wrong or annoying for me to post them like this.

I look forward to the next part.

[DeoxFeels]

Thanks for the feedback!

I'll be working on it right away.
I'm really bad with small typos, that's why I love feedback, it's easier when a third part point them out. =)

This is mainly just a introduction to the plot, I usually don't write full text stories, but rather storyboards, so this is a new experience for me. ^^


Fix'd, present tense is something I'm still working on, not very familiar with it.

[Mirage_GSM]

I found myself yet again gazing...

Most of the story is present tense...

the positive heavily outweight the rest.

outweighed

since I got together with Hanako a couple of weeks back

If it's autumn in your story, mak that "months"

homerun teacher

So Mutou teaches Baseball as well now? You probably meant "homeroom"

as Matou doesn’t seem very enthusiastic

Mutou

------------------Bell rings--------------------------

Argh Avoid that please! What's wrong with simply writing "The bell rings."?

‘’Want to fetch some lunch?’’ I asked,

Another past tense slipping in. Another in the following paragraph.

after her recent trip to Scotland

By autumn, Lilly would already have left for Scotland for good - except if you decided to change that in your story, of course.

while Hanako unpack her lunch

"Unpack" needs an "s"

I can’t shrug of the feeling

And "of" needs a second "f"

She pours some tea in both of our small cups, and shares a slice of her sandwich with me, without exchanging any special words to one another.

The first part of the sentence refers to Hanako, while the second refers to them both without changing the subject of the sentence. I suggest splitting into two sentences.

Thus, silence fell over us. I knew...

Two more past tenses.

Otherwise just a few superfluous commas.

You're off to a good start. If you want me to proofread your chapters before you publish them, just send me a PM and I'll give you my email adress.

[DeoxFeels]

Thanks for the feedback! I should really stop writing when I lack sleep. lol
I fixed up some minor mistakes, I hope it flows better now.

[mateh1]

ahh.. I always love After Stories...
make the next chapter longer will ya?

[DeoxFeels]

ahh.. I always love After Stories...
make the next chapter longer will ya?

Planning to

[Silentcook]

...What's with the "‘’"s at the start of spoken lines? They ought to be "‘‘"s, if anything. I suspect that they're a remnant from your native language, because they sure aren't standard in English - and I don't remember ever meeting this kind of punctuation before, to boot.

I also can't see the character you used to open the very last line, which is sort of impressive considering I have some fairly extensive support.