Hanako and Hisao –Road to Tokyo Conclusion Update!

[DanjaDoom]

“You don’t have to be blood to be family.” –George Feeny

[Hoitash]

Mugi smoking a cigarette...

Whelp, I have officially seen everything. Except the new Girl Meets World series. Hope it has Will Friedle in it.

Anywho, your solidarity and readership are appreciated .

[Oddball]

Fairly entertaining so how, however there's pone line that just completely throws me out of it.

I hadn’t lost my shit yet, though, so I rolled with it

This simply does not feel like something that should come from Hanako. You could have Rin go into a paranoid anti-feminist rant and it wouldn't feel anymore out of place than this does.

[Hoitash]

Fairly entertaining so how...

Danke

I hadn’t lost my shit yet, though, so I rolled with it

This simply does not feel like something that should come from Hanako. You could have Rin go into a paranoid anti-feminist rant and it wouldn't feel anymore out of place than this does.

I know, that's kind of the point. My intent there is that older Hanako (the Narrator) is deliberately saying something the younger Hanako(our viewpoint character at the time) wouldn't say, to emphasize the point that she was already stronger then she used to be in high school, and would only become stronger.

Obviously I failed, but I thought it was worth a try. Sorry it didn't pan out, and thanks for reading.

[griffon8]

To me, it seemed more like Hanako trying to talk herself up in a stereotypical 'tough' way. Over the top, but something she's aware of being over the top. I agree it was a little jarring, but not 'Rin goes into paranoid anti-feminist rant' jarring.

[Hoitash]

To me, it seemed more like Hanako trying to talk herself up in a stereotypical 'tough' way. Over the top, but something she's aware of being over the top. I agree it was a little jarring, but not 'Rin goes into paranoid anti-feminist rant' jarring.

That sounds like something College Hanako might try. Especially after hanging out with Kenji.

[Hoitash]

“Now, most hearts couldn’t withstand zis voltage, but I’m fairly certain your heart-” POOF.

“What was noise?”

“The sound of progress, my friend.” –Medic and Heavy

Previous Chapter

Chapter Four (Hisao): Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News


“Well?” I asked as I slipped on my shirt.

Doctor Lorenzo studied his clipboard carefully. I had seen my doctor shortly after Hanako announced the concert trip, but I wanted to be thorough, so I got an exam the day before we were supposed to leave for the sake of redundancy.

An aging man with tanned skin and a glass left eye, Dr. Lorenzo scanned my medical history carefully. His white hair was thinning and cropped short. His exam room/office was clean and white, like most medical exam rooms. His desk, however, was an absolute mess. An old bulky computer was surrounded by a sea of papers, journals, and writing utensils. It was as if he had emptied his drawers onto his desk one day, and never bothered to put anything back.

There was also a ficus in a corner near the front door. I thought that was a nice touch.

Doctor Lorenzo sighed and blinked. He lowered the clipboard to look at me with his eyes. Only one eye met my own; the glass eye stared blankly at my right ear. I couldn’t help glancing at it briefly. Not because I wasn’t used to such sights, but because instead of an iris and pupil, the eye was painted with the eagle and snake of the Mexican flag.

Kenji insisted the Doctor was on the run from a Mexican drug cartel. I figured he had just seen Gangs of New York one too many times.

“Well,” he said, “the new med you’re taking seems to be working and playing well with your old ones. Nothing in your medical history suggests a propensity for rhythm based murmurs…”

“They’ve generally been concussion based,” I interjected, “or exertion related, but that hasn’t really been a problem recently.”

Doctor Lorenzo nodded, “yes, the exercise and diet regimen proscribed to you by Miss… Ibarazaki, seems to have worked rather well.... I would feel better about this if you had a pacemaker…”

“I thought Long QT and pacemakers didn’t work well together?” I asked. As if I needed to be cut open again and have my life tied to a machine, though I’d change that tune in a few decades.

Doctor Lorenzo nodded absently, “indeed, but it’d be nice for something like this. Although, there is an American company working on a new prototype that might work for you… Sarif Industries, I think it’s called...” after a brief pause, the Doctor shrugged and tossed the clipboard onto his desk. It slowly slid off and took several journals with it to the floor, which clattered with that weird noise falling paper makes, “fuck. Well, I think you can handle it, so you have my medical approval to rock on.”

Grinning lightly, I stated, “Thanks, Doc."

Doctor Lorenzo smirked and headed over to the desk. Fiddling with a drawer, he said, “Just pay attention to your heart rate and beat. Watch for the signs of a murmur or flutter –you know them by now- but also make sure the rhythm doesn’t aggravate your heart. Some mild discomfort might be expected, but if you experience anything more than that, leave the concert.”

“Understood,” I declared.

The Doctor finished fiddling with the drawer and turned back to me. Handing me a cherry flavored sucker, he caught my eyes with both of his- not an easy task- and said, “I mean it. Ignoring the symptoms will just increase the likelihood of actually setting off your heart. If it settles down after you leave, you can head back in, but be careful. And have a buddy with you.”

I nodded and reached for the sucker, “My girlfriend has first-aid training, so I should be fine.”

Doctor Lorenzo smiled and handed me the sucker, “good. Between Hanako and that skitzoid friend of yours, you should be in good hands,” his smile slipped, “er, don’t tell anyone I said that. Unprofessional and whatnot.”

I grinned and nodded, “I won’t mention it, Doc. See you at the beginning of the trimester.”

“First week in,” he said, “though I think that new med should be fine. Do let me know if your insomnia comes back though, or if anything happens at the concert.”

“I will,” I promised, and left the office.

==

That night, I was in my dorm room with Kenji, meticulously studying various aspects of physics in a simulated environment (ie, playing Team Fortress 2.) Kenji was throwing darts at the dart board hung on our door. A photo of Shizune Hakamichi was posted on the board’s bullseye, and a dart was imbedded in her nose. Two more were imbedded in the white door, and one was in my coffee cup on my desk.

Kenji’s bed and desk were shoved into the far right corner, while my stuff was on the left side near the door. The door to the bathroom was just past my bed, and beyond that was our crap. Most of it was Kenji’s assorted materials for his newsletter, which while apparently important enough not to be sent over the easily traceable internet, was perfectly fine being headquartered in our dormitory, although mostly he just kept the supplies at the dorm.

“Everything ready for tomorrow?” I asked.

I heard a dart hit the board and glanced away from my computer. Kenji had hit her left eye.

“Ready and able,” Kenji replied, “shit’s packed, people are notified of meeting times, and my itinerary is the most kickass I have ever made.”

I nodded; he had allowed me to read the itinerary for final approval –the only one granted that privilege for the time being, for reasons that will be made clear later- and it was pretty kickass. It had traveling, shopping, dining, and even a surprise for Hanako.

After getting backstabbed by the same spy for the fifth time, I rage quit and decided to go on Facebook to see who was on. Hanako liked internet chatting and messaging, for obvious reasons. Shizune hated them, but put up with them to keep in contact. Ever since she and Lilly had set aside their squabble in the wake of Lilly’s near move to Scotland, Shizune had been less uptight and friendlier. Not a lot friendlier, mind, but more, although Misha studying in California had made her a bit maudlin. Lilly and I kept in casual contact with her and Misha while Shizune studied business further south.

Neither Hanako nor Shizune were online, though, but I left the tab up while mindlessly browsing Wikipedia. Said browsing was interrupted a few minutes later by a flashing tab, indicating Facebook had updated with something.

I had received a private message. Reading it over slowly, I sighed and typed up a response and sent it. Twirling a bit in my chair to face Kenji, I watched as he lined up another dart, “hey, is it too late to engage Operation Expansion?”

“Absolutely,” Kenji declared, “why?”

Observing him prep the dart for his shot, I responded, “Because we got two more going with us as of ten seconds ago.”

Kenji turned to face me at the same time he flung the dart. Said dart zoomed towards my face at a speed that would have been alarming had I not been used to such incidents for two years. I reflexively dodged the dart just as it whizzed past my head, imbedding itself somewhere in the wall with a soft thunk. Although in hindsight, I probably should have waited before telling him.

“What the fuck, man!?” Kenji snapped, “are you out of your motherfuckin’ mind?!”

“You’re my roommate,” I quipped, “I think that question was answered some time ago.”

“Don’t turn this on me, man!” Kenji barked. Pointing a finger at me dramatically, he leapt off the bed and exclaimed, “do you have any idea what a pain in the ass Operation Expansion is?! I have to literally adjust everything before we leave tomorrow! That’s less then twelve fuckin’ hours!”

“Then we better get started,” I said, “I’ll help. And stop yelling, I don’t wanna deal with that World of Warcraft nut across the hall again.”

The rest of the hall was more or less used to Kenji’s spontaneous yelling by now, anyway. With the trimester essentially over, most of them had already left as well. It was the principle of the thing, though.

With a visible effort, Kenji slowly inhaled, exhaled, and sat down on the bed, “you didn’t tell Hanako yet, did you?”

“No,” I said, “I didn’t wanna make her anxious the night before.”

Kenji nodded. Sighing, he wiped his glasses off with a cloth, his eyes unfocused as he thought. Placing the glasses back on, he looked up at me, “good idea. Springing it on her at the last minute might not help, but I hope it’s someone we know, or it won’t matter much in the long run.”

I nodded and told him who would be joining us, “apparently they have tickets for that concert, but don’t wanna take a train. Considering all the help she was back in high school, and how she’s drifted away over the months, I figured I owed her this much, at least.”

Kenji sighed again and nodded, “alright, alright. I get it. Just, damn, man, give a bro more warning next time.”

Leaping back up, he bolted for his computer and started opening documents and folders for revision, his hands dashing over his keyboard, his eyes were mere centimeters from the screen.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I quipped, “in the meantime, what should I tell them about the trip; so far I’ll I’ve said is they can come.”

“Same stuff we told Hanako and Lilly,” Kenji replied, “just tell them to pack light; room’s gonna be tight in the back with two more.”

“Right,” I said. Wheeling back to my computer, I grabbed my coffee and fished out the dart. Draining the last, cold, bitter dregs from the mug, I suddenly remembered something. Wheeling back to face Kenji, I asked, “you know, you never did tell me how you got a car.”

Kenji turned to face me. Grinning with the light glinting off his glasses in his usual cliché sinister fashion, he declared, “don’t worry about it, man. Everything’s under control.”

I sighed and twirled back to my computer. For better or for worse, I had the distinct feeling we were in for one hell of a trip.

+++
Next Chapter

I got a bad case of loving you!

Ahem.

Well, things just keep getting interesting, don’t they? Who is the mysterious Mystery Guest, you ask? Huh, you can tell? Not subtle? Eh, I was never much for subtlety. I play a race of sociopathic fungi in a tabletop wargame, after all –subtlety just ain’t in my nature. For Gork and Mork!

Next week we hit the road, folks! Which means even more crack filled goodness! Which is what you all came here for, so sit back and enjoy!

[griffon8]

“What the fuck, man!?” Kenji snapped, “are you out of your motherfuckin’ mind!”

“You’re my roommate,” I quipped, “I think that question was answered some time ago.”

The perfect summary of their relationship.

[Hoitash]

“What the fuck, man!?” Kenji snapped, “are you out of your motherfuckin’ mind!”

“You’re my roommate,” I quipped, “I think that question was answered some time ago.”

The perfect summary of their relationship.

Indeed

[Mirage_GSM]

The door to the bathroom was just passed my bed

past

his hands dashing over his keyboard as he his eyes were mere centimeters from the screen.

Something missing here?
That's all I noticed in this chapter.
Good job again!

[Hoitash]

The door to the bathroom was just passed my bed

past

D'Oh! Fixed.

his hands dashing over his keyboard as he his eyes were mere centimeters from the screen.

Something missing here?

Ah, the infamous mind thinking something and hands typing something different as I change my mind mid sentence fiasco. Also fixed.

Good job again!

Thanks, glad you're enjoying it

[Helbereth]

Let's see, I sort of missed the Hanako part somehow... I literally had no idea there was a new part added until this morning--which is this Hisao one. Anywho, I didn't find any glaring problems with the Hanako bit (I'm guessing some of the ones mentioned in later comments got ironed out in edits), and I'll be the first one to agree that writing somber, dramatic scenes is 10x harder than the funny, light sequences.

This Hisao bit reads similar to the early H&K stuff(at least once it got to the Hisao and Kenji interplay), though I found a few little things that bother me:

or if anything happened at the concert.

This might just be my experience, but I think 'happens' would be more appropriate here--he probably wants Hisao to let him know right away, rather than waiting for the start-of-trimester check-up. It almost seems like you were overdoing it trying to make all your tenses right, and didn't notice this was dialogue.

Pointing a finger dramatically at me as he leapt off the bed, he exclaimed,

This linear sequence seems out of whack somehow. It doesn't quite read how you'd expect someone to perform those actions. I came up with this:
"Pointing a finger at me dramatically, he leapt off the bed and exclaimed,"
It reduces the word jumble a little, and eliminates the double-use of 'he'.

That's really all I found, but I just spent the past four hours cleaning the oven... so my mind isn't exactly in the right place for editing. Heck... I just realized it's Wednesday and I'm supposed to be releasing a new chapter... *face-palm*

Is it weird that I think the other two passengers are going to be Emi and Rin--despite the late-chapter mention of Shizune? I only think so because Misha is apparently in California, which would reduce the pair to one...

[Hoitash]

and I'll be the first one to agree that writing somber, dramatic scenes is 10x harder than the funny, light sequences.

Which might explain both why I prefer writing light and fluffy stuff, and watching it. Though for some reason I still delude myself I can write an epic war series, but that's neither here now there.

This Hisao bit reads similar to the early H&K stuff(at least once it got to the Hisao and Kenji interplay)

Cool

edits

Stupid tenses... thanks for that, and the word one.

That's really all I found, but I just spent the past four hours cleaning the oven... so my mind isn't exactly in the right place for editing. Heck... I just realized it's Wednesday and I'm supposed to be releasing a new chapter... *face-palm*

The auto cleaner function broken, or just unreliable? I never trusted them either. And take your time with the new chapter, people understand when life gets in the way (though I may be biased, since I already read it.)

Is it weird that I think the other two passengers are going to be Emi and Rin--despite the late-chapter mention of Shizune? I only think so because Misha is apparently in California, which would reduce the pair to one...

Interesting.... very interesting...

Thanks for reading and commenting, and good luck with TD.

[Helbereth]

The auto cleaner function broken, or just unreliable?

The cook-top part, I mean. Gas burners, cast-iron grates, etc..

[Hoitash]

The auto cleaner function broken, or just unreliable?

The cook-top part, I mean. Gas burners, cast-iron grates, etc..

Ugh, I hate cleaning the stove part. Not a big fan of cleaning in general really, so naturally I'm constantly applying for custodial positions.