Without Faces

WORDS WORDS WORDS


Post Reply
LordDarknus
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Without Faces

Post by LordDarknus »

“The complaint was the answer.

To have heard myself making it was to be answered.

Lightly men talk of saying what they mean.

Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the Fox would say, 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words.'

A glib saying.







Act 1: Storge



I wonder what it was like.. for my mother to hear me crying for the first time?

It was a snowing winter day, when I was born. The blinding cold outside was numbing away the warmth of sunlight, it felt as if the ceaseless white howling could crack through the windows and engulf us, softly silencing one of us as my mother tightening arms finally stopped trembling...

or so I was told, by a "friend of the family".. whom I suspect wasn't even there. I was told that the cold had taken her away, the first time I visited my mother's grave.



Perhaps I should have cried, maybe I should have said i loved her.. but i don't even know her,

All I felt was.. nothing.

I attributed the deadness of my heart to.. that man. My "father". Who couldn't even bother to clean his wife's grave every once in a few years.



He was an 'ultra-nationalist', stout advocator of the "true spirit of Japan" or whatever nonsense he spews in his propagandas,

He couldn't even take the time to acknowledge my presence, leaving me in the care of 'business associates', "family friends" whom were seldom without tattoos, cigarettes, and small arms. Along with whatever contraband hidden or smuggled under nationalistic guise of that man's politics.

Being raised amidst criminals. It's no wonder that I got into fights, once accidentally punching the wrong classmate so hard that he bled through the nose. The other one who had deserved it got a throat full of sand. But the best part was that no one dared touched me, in fear of my .."family".



Unapologetic as I must have seemed, I was not unreasonable, I just wanted to ..make friends. Even if I've hurt them so hard physically, I really yearned even harder for them to stop ignoring me.

To leave when I approach, to whisper mean things behind me, to think of me as a blight in their lives ..they were afraid to even look at me, and I grew to fear being shunned forever. As if I was born as a criminal and undeserving to become a person.

Unkind a boy I must have been, I was not unfeeling, .....I didn't want to be alone.



Finding my life empty of warmth, my heart must have drifted back to the days I was born, as I walked blindly across the icy street, and her hand pulled me to her from the skidding truck barely missing me by the breadth of a monstrous wind.

It was too loud to hear, the wailing horn from an instant before; it was too bright to see, the value of my life watering in my eyes; it was too much to bear, the mute girl who couldn't scream at me to stop, and just risked her precious life to save me.

i cried. i finally cried ...i cried and cried and couldn't stand anymore, and she held me, silent as the snow falling around us. i cried till i lost myself, till i lost my voice, till i found her beautiful smiling face.
LordDarknus
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Re: Without Faces

Post by LordDarknus »

Act 2: Phileo



The most beautiful words, are often unsaid; The most beautiful feelings, are often unnoticed; The most beautiful moments of our lives; are often forgotten.

But if I close my eyes today, and forget the shadows of yesterday; i can almost remember again believing in the warm light of tomorrow's hope. ...of better days ahead.

We shared that dream once before, where all we did was held on to each other, and somehow let slip from our minds the shadows that never could touch us.



It was only natural to smile, whenever i spent time with the girl who pulled me to her heart, whenever by chance or luck or destiny that we somehow meet or find each other again. Despite never even knowing each other's names.


If magic was real, if fairy tales came true, if all we needed to do was to make a wish; I could find her again and again, and found our happiness over and over, and we'll be beside each other forever and ever.

I would gently comfort her in my arms as she would do the same for me; she was bullied and i was hated, i was born motherless, her mother left her feeling worthless; my father abandons me in the care of criminals, her father cut her mute trying to save her from choking.



But the pain never seemed to be, not at all; we were happy, we held each other and that was all. Just she and i together through it all, ..like it was meant to be.

And when it hurt her to swallow or breathe, I was there to soothe the agony; just like when she reached for me, just like when she saved me, ...when she loved me.

Through the summers and the falls, we lived our lives and lived with song; She'd hold my head upon her chest, and her beating heart would put all my pains to rest. And I knew it was only true... that she, loved; ..me.



Her smile became the very meaning of my life, to be happy was to be with her, and unannounced I left my so-called family behind forever. They didn't take kindly to that.

Her father was a detective, and he didn't take kindly to me or my "family" either. Not knowing common sense and foolishly fearless, I forced her to leave her father behind and run away with me. I yelled at her to hold back her tears, and hide her weakness until we could afford it.

It didn't take long for everything to go wrong, the run turned into a manhunt, and we were cornered at the ends of my idiocy. The argument turned into a fight, gunshots turned the night into shards of day, and I fell with a bullet put into my head.



I can't imagine the horror I've put her through, I don't know how she even felt when I survived. With a bullet-shaped hole tunnelling into my brain in slow motion, my world was forever cast into black-and-white as I lost my sight.

Cortical damage, optic nerves severed, my whole life destroyed. Eventual death from fatal haemorrhaging, possible worsening of brain damage, ..her entire being devastated. How would she cope if I suddenly became paralysed? How will she go on if I forgot how to even eat or breathe?

Yet she foolishly stayed by my side, I'm sure she was still stupidly smiling at me as she held my hand, I brushed her aside and wondered aloud how she can't see that the dream is over. And I was the one who's blind. Proven when I tripped over something and scratched out my eyes on broken medicine bottles. What was the point in having them anyway? I yelled at her to shut up, to stop.. stop crying, ...it must hurt for you ..it's over, if even you have to cry, ...then it's really over. ..goodbye
LordDarknus
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Re: Without Faces

Post by LordDarknus »

Act 3: Eros



'Yamaku Academy', ..a damn school for disabled kids. I am insulted.

What kind of self-respecting man would study at a place like this? I'd rather study alone somewhere, rather than waste my precious time having to interact with a bunch of cripples for classmates.

I suffer through the orientations and speeches, and let out the loudest sigh as I take my seat in class. "At the end of the day you're another day older, a whole day standing about, what is for? One day less to be living."



I'm amazed to the soul that a soft and measured voice replies; "Don't give up, you still have us. ..Don't give up, we don't need much of anything... Don't give up, there's God's plan at work... When times get rough, you can fall back on us.. don't give up, I believe here.. here you can belong."

Her angel voice introduces herself as Lilly, a fellow blind student. Abashed, we laughed a little about ourselves; Ashamed, I question everything I knew about myself. ..maybe I can do better ..maybe it's not too late ..just maybe,

After our first class together, Lilly almost enthusiastically takes me by the sleeve to her cousin, Also a student here. Her name is Shizune, a ..deaf-mute. I can't imagine Shizune would write her words into my palm, so I'm glad she has a friend who can translate for us.



Conversation between us can get awkward sometimes, we have to wait for Shiina to properly sign everything back and forth, I eventually get impatient and start throwing in nicknames to trip Shiina up; I say 'Fantine' when I mean Lilly, and Lilly is not above addressing me as 'Valjean', though when I call Shizune 'Beethoven', it is only with respect and admiration.

Everyday I'm surprised by what she wants to do, and I'm swept up in her determination to overcome and accomplish. Shizune is a truly amazing person, she shares my viewpoint on how the student council should run, but unlike me she actually pursues what she believes in, if only I could see what she looks like, I think..... I think I would fall in love.

I tell this to Misha ..err, I mean Shiina, while alone with her, (that one nickname is becoming a hard habit to break) and for some reason the budding translator "stalls" a little. I know it's mean to think of her as just a messaging machine, ..but she's not very bright. Not in the least. For example; I'm playing chess with her and I half-expect her to ask if there's a dice involved like in Snakes and Ladders.



If anything, playing chess with someone lets me know how they think, and I can fully judge a person's character- "I love Shizune."

....., what?

-"Lilly likes you, even if you are mean to me. Shizune hates you, because you are always so mean to me." -Misha.., I... "I want Shizune to be my girlfriend. And I want you to disappear forever."



I don't know what I'm doing, Lilly and I have been so close and I never even knew she liked me, instead I've been picking on Misha just because she was a little dumb, and ended up pushing Shizune far away. I'm truly the Worst kind of idiot.

I fumble my way into Lilly's dorm room and lay my heart bare, but even I could smell the dishonesty in my words. There's no point.. it's over, Lilly's feelings have died after so long a time, and all I'm doing is just shouting nonsense and disturbing her hallmate.

Angelic even now, just as she was when we first met, Lilly simply consoles me. It's not her kind words that moves me to tears, it's because she's hurting so painfully from this, and wishes she can talk to someone, Anyone other than me, yet.. her voice is still beautiful, soothing and warm. She makes me feel so much better, and yet So much worse. I give nothing to her except a silent whimpering sob as I leave. Abandoning a girl to cry alone. .....It's true, ..I should just disappear forever.
LordDarknus
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Re: Without Faces

Post by LordDarknus »

Act 4: Agape



Graduation is coming soon..

In all my time here, I've done nothing of significance.

I joined the art club to punish myself, then quit after actually getting good at sculpting. Maybe Rin will realise I'm not there anymore.



Maybe not, the only interest she had in me was the penis sculptures I made as practise and for a joke. I'm not sure where the hell they went, (maybe she took them) but we don't meet each other anymore.

I don't think Kenji has been seeing her either lately, I get the feeling he's gone a little off ever since. But then.. who am I to judge? He's probably smarter than me, better looking even, and can at least see what he's doing to others.

Only too late did I come upon the realisation on why people hate me the way they do; It's not their fault, I'm just not a good person. I don't deserve to live.



I blame that man who raised me- no wait, he didn't raise me, his criminal friends did. I blame them too. I blame the detective who shot me in the head. I blame myself for living on and hurting people, but most of all; I blame God.

Or does he exist? Maybe it's not fair, maybe I have no right. Maybe I don't care, maybe I'll die tonight. And no matter how twisted my thoughts become, or how many more people I end up hurting, ..my life will end in meaninglessness.

Life is a stage, and I have become my shadows, strutting and fretting my last hours under the curtain call, full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing. And as the audience applauds my exit, they'll all agree on the value of my life being even less than that of a blind rat's.



All I do is sit in an empty room, playing chess with death, the pieces frozen dead in place amidst the piercing winter cold- *Click* ..Huh? Is someone there? ...do you... want to play chess with me? ......."I'm H-h-hanako,"

And that is how we met, and it's how we meet everyday; I wait for her in an empty classroom, eagerly waiting to beat her on the battlefield of forgotten black-and-white. It's happiness in slow motion; where I'm smiling over silent games of chess in winter days.

All the precious moments shared between my healing heart and her pleasing presence, and I'm still amused that no words of significance ever came between us. She didn't like to talk, and I ..didn't want to talk either, ...i don't have anything to say anyway.



But there's something she needs to say, I think; maybe it's Lilly who has left for a new home in Scotland. Maybe it's that transfer kid Hanako has been seeing; ..now that I think about it, I overheard something terrible before. That she became pregnant with that transfer guy's kid, but she had an abortion after a severe asthma attack.

I don't know how much of that was true, or if any of it is worth serious considering over, but I don't care, she's said to be a shy person, for her to come to me must mean that she needs someone to talk to, someone to be there for her if she needs- ..."Hanako?" ..I feel her hand, resting on the board; I feel her scars, covered in tears.

"Hanako, don't be afraid. I know it hurts, ..but don't be afraid. We feel weak sometimes when bad things happen, but it also means we can learn to be strong. And while it's hard to be strong alone, I'm sure you've been doing your very best. And even if sometimes that wasn't enough, it's still meaningful that you tried to grow and be happy."



"Hanako, I acknowledge you; your existence, your history, your hopes and dreams.

I accept you ...I love you, for who you are and choose to be.

With all my heart and without a doubt; I Love You."







When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words.

I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer.

Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean?

How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

― C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces
LordDarknus
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:03 am

Re: Without Faces

Post by LordDarknus »

Credits:



I could stay awake... just to hear you breathing.

Why do you smile while you are sleeping? ..while you're far away dreaming?


I could spend my life... in this sweet surrender.

I could stay lost in this moment, forever. For every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.



I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing, 'cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dreams would never do, I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing...



And I'm close to you... feeling your heart beating,

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming, wondering if it's me you're seeing..


And then I kiss your eyes, and thank God we're together,

I just want to stay with you, in this moment forever, forever and ever,



I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing, 'cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dreams would never do, I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing...



I don't want to miss one smile, I don't want to miss one kiss,

I just want to be with you, right here with you, ..just like this.


I just want to hold you close, I feel your heart so close to mine,

And just stay here in this moment, for all the rest of time...



I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing, 'cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dreams would never do, I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing...



I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing, 'cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dreams would never do, I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing...







It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart..

Without saying a word, you can light up the dark..


Try as I may, I can never explain,

What i hear, when you don't.. say a thing...


The smile on your face, let's me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me,


The touch of your hand.. says you'll catch me, if ever I fall...

you say it best..... when you say nothing at all..



All day long, I can hear, people talking out loud,

But when you hold me near.. you drown out the crowd...


Ol' Mr. Webster could never define, what's been said between your heart and mine..


The smile on your face, let's me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me,


The touch of your hand.. says you'll catch me, if ever I fall...

you say it best..... when you say nothing at all..



The smile on your face, let's me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me,



The touch of your hand.. says you'll catch me, if ever I fall...

you say it best..... when you say nothing at all..



http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0358.html



There'll be one small light

All over the world tonight

The search will go on for the one

It was love with no name and we glowed in the sun


There was one small dream

Incredible highs and lows

What little we knew living ordinary lives

Made a dream for you, living ordinary lives


Ordinary people, living ordinary lives

Ordinary people, living ordinary lives


We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives


The clock on the wall keeps moving

Time stands still

No matter how the dice may fall

Someone else always gets to call the number


Say goodbye, cruel world

No pity, no pain tonight

Whatever the cost, all is lost

And if it's love with no name, then it's all in the stars


Whether it's wrong or right

There's no one to blame, no lies

What else could we do living ordinary lives

Made a dream for you, living ordinary lives


We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people

What else could we do, living ordinary lives

Made a dream for you, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives

We were ordinary people, living ordinary lives







When somebody loved me.. everything was beautiful

every hour spent together, lives within my heart


And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

and when she was happy, so was I ...when she ..loved ..me


Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all

just she and i together... like it was.. meant to be


and when she was lonely, ..i was there to comfort her

and I knew that.. she.. loved me


So the years went by, I stayed the same

but she began to drift away ...i was left alone


Still I waited for the day, when she'd say "I will always love you"



Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way

She smiled at me, and held me, just like she used to do

Like she loved.. me, when she loved.. me


When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

every hour spent together, lives within my heart

when she ..loved ...me
Post Reply