A Painful Past (OC). Scene 2 is up.

[Mirage_GSM]

if I’m ever told to report to the principles’ office.

I'm not sure if Yamaku has an office of principles. If so Shizune would probably occupy it.
The principal might have an office in the administrative building, though.

it collides with me with what I image is the force of a run away freight train

Statistically, Emi tackles 90% of all new students within two days of their arrival.
...
Subverted for once^^°

NO ONE EVER USES IKUNO!

I did.
And she's one of my favourite characters from that story.
(though I might be a bit biased, because she's so fun to write.)

[LorSquirrel]

if I’m ever told to report to the principles’ office.

I'm not sure if Yamaku has an office of principles. If so Shizune would probably occupy it.
The principal might have an office in the administrative building, though.

it collides with me with what I image is the force of a run away freight train

Statistically, Emi tackles 90% of all new students within two days of their arrival.
...
Subverted for once^^°

NO ONE EVER USES IKUNO!

I did.

first: Okay i have no idea how i missed that one i'll go back and edit that i a sec.

second:.... what?


third: Oh crap! i forgot that one!





as usual thank you for your feed back GSM

[LorSquirrel]

so how does everyone feel about Hideaki's disability being Parkinson's disease?

[Mirage_GSM]

Well, Parkinson is not really a disease that younger people get. For a teenager to be afflicted with it is extremely unusual...
Still he doesn't seem so handicapped by it yet that it would neccessitate him going to Yamaku.

[LorSquirrel]

The disease gets worse as time goes on or when you don't use your medication. and like the nurse said he got it from a parent it isn't unheard of for it to be hereditary some kids develop it around seventeen (Hideaki developed it around eighteen)

[Oddball]

I tried, but I simply can't get into this.

I keep mentally picturing Shizune's brother and the school's librarian whenever you refer to Hideaki and Yuuko by name and it throws me out of the story every time, Naomi as well, to a lesser extent.

[demonix]

“I mean come on straight to the mount? Hmph! You have no class Ikuno!” she says in a disappointed tone. “Damn it Miki! That isn’t what I was doing!” the light brown haired girl in the same frantic tone.

“I take it that you’re Mister Winters?” I turn and reply with an entertained voice. “Yes I’m Hideaki Winters; you must be the head nurse.” As I say this I take a look at the room.

“Sure.” I say with an indifferent tone. “Okay I was just beginning to go over your file so please wait a moment.” He says flipping open a file on his desk. I reply with a simple nod and start scanning the room with my eyes.

Each of these needs to be broken up into two lines where the second person starts talking (Exbando has mentioned this already) and the second one needs altering to identify the person who speaks first after breaking it up (it might require a bit of altering to make it sound right).

[LorSquirrel]

“I mean come on straight to the mount? Hmph! You have no class Ikuno!” she says in a disappointed tone. “Damn it Miki! That isn’t what I was doing!” the light brown haired girl in the same frantic tone.

“I take it that you’re Mister Winters?” I turn and reply with an entertained voice. “Yes I’m Hideaki Winters; you must be the head nurse.” As I say this I take a look at the room.

“Sure.” I say with an indifferent tone. “Okay I was just beginning to go over your file so please wait a moment.” He says flipping open a file on his desk. I reply with a simple nod and start scanning the room with my eyes.

Each of these needs to be broken up into two lines where the second person starts talking (Exbando has mentioned this already) and the second one needs altering to identify the person who speaks first after breaking it up (it might require a bit of altering to make it sound right).

I just fixed it. Thank you for your help.

[LorSquirrel]

anyone have a complaint about my writing style or how i characterise some characters? I'm just making sure i have everything before i continue writing scene 4 so feel free to bring up problems from scene 1 or 2

[griffon8]

I tried, but I simply can't get into this.

I keep mentally picturing Shizune's brother and the school's librarian whenever you refer to Hideaki and Yuuko by name and it throws me out of the story every time, Naomi as well, to a lesser extent.

I agree. There's a reason stories don't use the same name for different characters.

[LorSquirrel]

I tried, but I simply can't get into this.

I keep mentally picturing Shizune's brother and the school's librarian whenever you refer to Hideaki and Yuuko by name and it throws me out of the story every time, Naomi as well, to a lesser extent.

I agree. There's a reason stories don't use the same name for different characters.

well the characters have had these name since i first thought it up. I had forgotten that there were characters with the same names in the as yuuko and hideaki. It would just be awkward for me to change them now.


but if everyone else thinks its a good idea i'll change Yuuko and Hideaki's names.


But not Naomi's since you only ever see character in the VN for about half a minute.

[LorSquirrel]

i added a poll at the top of the page for he next two day's cast you're vote there

[griffon8]

Your poll allows people to choose all three options…

[LorSquirrel]

okay fixed

[Zykes]

I've been through this thread quite a few times recently, and aside from issues already brought up.

I think that you really need to plan this out a bit more before releasing it.

I will say that I am in no way qualified to make any critical notes about this, but when starting up, make sure to have the main OC already plotted out, from his condition, past, personality and so on.

Developing an OC on the fly can be a bit dangerous in that if you say "A" about him in the first few chapters, you're stuck with "A" when you want to bring up "B", "C" and so on.