A Painful Past (OC). Scene 2 is up.

WORDS WORDS WORDS


User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6148
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: A Painful Past (OC) updated (3/3/13)

Post by Mirage_GSM »

Well let me say first, that Hideaki is actually 19 and his daughters are about five
What? In this chapter you said they're almost six, so he became a father at thirteen? That is... let's say extremely unusual, especially in a country like Japan, and you just drop it in there like it is not a big deal. And neither Shizune nor Misha seem to find it the least odd either! How old is his wife? How did he even get to raise the children on his own?
More importantly for the story, we still don't know exactly why he wants to go to Yamaku when he has two small kids at home. Does he intend to leave raising them to his wife, while he goes to a boarding school? That's not very responsible, especially since he doesn't seem to have a condition that would neccessitate him being there.
“Oh, shut up ya jerk!” Says Yuuko
For a second here I was trying to wrap my brain around Yuuko saying something like this^^° Problem if two characters have the same name...
Sweetly while wearing an absolutely massive smile.
...is not a sentence.
Some other punctuation issues, mostly related to direct speech.

Also, it seems like homophones are your enemy:
and remember that i except any criticisms
I think you accept them, right?
“I’m gonna go find out which room your in
you're
They’re birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks,
Their
After another, five or ten minutes of watching the silent dual of words
duel
Yukiko who is looking at as while
us
This guy right here is they’re dad
their
and more business like then Misha’s.
than
[It’s nice to meet you to Mister Winter’s
[It’s nice to meet you, too, Mister Winters
but quickly regain there composer.
composure, but "regaining a composer" is also interesting ;-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

forgetmenot wrote:Just a quick note, in Japan, handshakes are generally not a customary way of greeting others - in fact, it's pretty much only used in business dealings with Americans or other people from the West. It's much more common to bow - the deeper you bow, the more respect you show for the person you're greeting. So a bow would make more sense when Hideaki meets Misha and Shizune.
Hideaki is from america sso i kinda forgot the whole bowing thing i'll change it next time i get a chance
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Well let me say first, that Hideaki is actually 19 and his daughters are about five
What? In this chapter you said they're almost six, so he became a father at thirteen? That is... let's say extremely unusual, especially in a country like Japan, and you just drop it in there like it is not a big deal. And neither Shizune nor Misha seem to find it the least odd either! How old is his wife? How did he even get to raise the children on his own?
More importantly for the story, we still don't know exactly why he wants to go to Yamaku when he has two small kids at home. Does he intend to leave raising them to his wife, while he goes to a boarding school? That's not very responsible, especially since he doesn't seem to have a condition that would neccessitate him being there.
“Oh, shut up ya jerk!” Says Yuuko
For a second here I was trying to wrap my brain around Yuuko saying something like this^^° Problem if two characters have the same name...
Sweetly while wearing an absolutely massive smile.
...is not a sentence.
Some other punctuation issues, mostly related to direct speech.

Also, it seems like homophones are your enemy:
and remember that i except any criticisms
I think you accept them, right?
“I’m gonna go find out which room your in
you're
They’re birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks,
Their
After another, five or ten minutes of watching the silent dual of words
duel
Yukiko who is looking at as while
us
This guy right here is they’re dad
their
and more business like then Misha’s.
than
[It’s nice to meet you to Mister Winter’s
[It’s nice to meet you, too, Mister Winters
but quickly regain there composer.
composure, but "regaining a composer" is also interesting ;-)
did i mention its was three in the morning when i wrote this? Well it was but i didn't think i missed that many things. This could take a while....

And I'm fully aware of just how absolutely bonkers of an idea it is for Hideaki for too have two almost six year old's, but it will be explained later and it's not lke something like that is completely unheard of. I'm also planning on explaining why he decided to go to Yamaku and not stay in the city with his daughters and other family, in the next Chapter.
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Okay, looking at Chapter 2 with fully awake eyes I notice that I left out some lines of dialogues, and several lines of Hideaki's thought's, sorry about that I'll start editing right away!
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Okay I think I fixed most of the complaints for chapter 2 and I also added in what I forgot to put in when i was writing yesterday
Exbando
Posts: 122
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:47 am
Location: America's High-Five

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by Exbando »

I'm noticing a couple things. One is run-on sentences. Like this:
She’s almost always yelling or at least talking loud enough for it to pass as yelling except for when she’s bored which isn't often because she always finds her way in to some kind of mischief, she’s short tempered and never has a problem telling people what she thinks, she loves bright and vibrant colors and doesn't like long hair, that’s probably why she wanted her hair cut and dyed pink, although she doesn't seem to mind helping people out so I guess that’s something she has in common with her sister.
This could easily be broken into 2 or 3 sentences.

Another thing is dialogue. Every person gets their own paragraph when speaking. For example:
After a while Naomi walks over Yukiko, and crouches to her eye level. “Hey, how are you doing Yukiko?” Naomi asks sweetly. “I’m okay, I guess.” Says Yukiko as she puts my backpack down and hugs Naomi. “It’s nice to see you again Aunty Naomi.” Yukiko says as she breaks off the hug. Naomi gives Yukiko a sweet little smile. “How’s your heart doing?” Naomi asks as she raises an eyebrow curiously. “It’s okay as long as I don’t get to scared or trip and fall.” Yukiko replies in an some-what uneasy tone, she never has liked talking about her Arrhythmia, and I doubt that will change any time soon.
When the dialogue is clumped into paragraphs like this, it can be really hard for the reader to tell who is talking.

There are also word usage problems, like your/you're, then/than, and some verb conjugation stuff, like isn't/aren't.

As for the story itself, I'm getting confused. Mostly because of the names. Yuuko and Naomi especially. I get that these are OCs, but they have the same name as characters that I already know of, so I think of those characters before I remember that they aren't the same.

Sorry if I'm a little harsh or anything.
Hanako > Lilly = Emi > Shizune > Rin
Feeling like your heart is broken? Need to get it off your chest? Tell your story here
I have a fanfiction! It's pretty bad. I started another fanfic cause I'm stupid!
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Exbando wrote:I'm noticing a couple things. One is run-on sentences. Like this:
She’s almost always yelling or at least talking loud enough for it to pass as yelling except for when she’s bored which isn't often because she always finds her way in to some kind of mischief, she’s short tempered and never has a problem telling people what she thinks, she loves bright and vibrant colors and doesn't like long hair, that’s probably why she wanted her hair cut and dyed pink, although she doesn't seem to mind helping people out so I guess that’s something she has in common with her sister.
This could easily be broken into 2 or 3 sentences.

Another thing is dialogue. Every person gets their own paragraph when speaking. For example:
After a while Naomi walks over Yukiko, and crouches to her eye level. “Hey, how are you doing Yukiko?” Naomi asks sweetly. “I’m okay, I guess.” Says Yukiko as she puts my backpack down and hugs Naomi. “It’s nice to see you again Aunty Naomi.” Yukiko says as she breaks off the hug. Naomi gives Yukiko a sweet little smile. “How’s your heart doing?” Naomi asks as she raises an eyebrow curiously. “It’s okay as long as I don’t get to scared or trip and fall.” Yukiko replies in an some-what uneasy tone, she never has liked talking about her Arrhythmia, and I doubt that will change any time soon.
When the dialogue is clumped into paragraphs like this, it can be really hard for the reader to tell who is talking.

There are also word usage problems, like your/you're, then/than, and some verb conjugation stuff, like isn't/aren't.

As for the story itself, I'm getting confused. Mostly because of the names. Yuuko and Naomi especially. I get that these are OCs, but they have the same name as characters that I already know of, so I think of those characters before I remember that they aren't the same.

Sorry if I'm a little harsh or anything.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm kinda new at the whole writing thing so any feedback on how i can improve is very welcome.


Since when is there a character name Yuuko or Naomi in the VN?
User avatar
Zykes
Posts: 153
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:02 pm
Location: Buffalo, NY
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by Zykes »

LorSquirrel wrote:Since when is there a character name Yuuko or Naomi in the VN?
Yuuko is the librarian and part-time worker at the Shanghai.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

Image
Staggering Harmony - OC Fanfic
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Zykes wrote:
LorSquirrel wrote:Since when is there a character name Yuuko or Naomi in the VN?
Yuuko is the librarian and part-time worker at the Shanghai.
Really? For some reason I always remember her name as Yoko not Yuuko, and that still doesnt explain who Naomi is in the VN, was she just a throw away side character that i missed?
User avatar
Zykes
Posts: 153
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:02 pm
Location: Buffalo, NY
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by Zykes »

LorSquirrel wrote:Really? For some reason I always remember her name as Yoko not Yuuko, and that still doesnt explain who Naomi is in the VN, was she just a throw away side character that i missed?
I believe Naomi is a character in class 3-3 third row, second seat from the left.
"I look down as I step forward, passing by all those that stare, and hold fear in my heart. I stop and look up, I realize I am not afraid of what others think of me. I am afraid of of what I think of myself."

Image
Staggering Harmony - OC Fanfic
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

Zykes wrote:
LorSquirrel wrote:Really? For some reason I always remember her name as Yoko not Yuuko, and that still doesnt explain who Naomi is in the VN, was she just a throw away side character that i missed?
I believe Naomi is a character in class 3-3 third row, second seat from the left.
Really? *looks at http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/view/1827/ *

....Well I'll be damned.
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

any other criticisms or thoughts on characters? i would like to know before i start writing chapter three: Check Up Time.
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Re: A Painful Past (OC) CH 2 updated (3/3/13)

Post by LorSquirrel »

by the way i'm spending most of my time right now on studying different disabilities and some Japanese culture so I'll probably be posting Scene 3 (and maybe Scene 4) on Friday
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Chapter 1 Scene 3:check up time.

Post by LorSquirrel »

Table of Contents


Okay so i finished a little early hope you guys enjoy.

-------------------------------------------------------

End of Chapter 1 Scene 3:Check Up Time.


Three hours later and I have completely unpacked all of my belongings in my room, saw Yukiko Koneko and Yuuko off, and played go fish in my new room with Naomi about fifty times.


After losing all fifty games, I was saved from the wrath of an angry Naomi by the arrival of Misha and Shizune claiming that they needed her to help them with some student council project for next Sunday. Before they left I was informed that I need to go see the head nurse, whose office is in the auxiliary building by the main school building.


...Now if I only knew which one of the two buildings by the main school building is the auxiliary one.


Oh, wait, this one has a big golden metal sign that says ‘administration building’ well at least I know where to go if I’m ever told to report to the principle's office.


After walking over to the building on the other side of the main school building that says ‘auxiliary building’ on comparatively smaller and silver sign. As I ponder why they felt the need to have a smaller less flashy sign on the auxiliary building then the one on the administrative building I hear I rather loud growl coming from my gut and I remember that I haven’t eaten since eleven A.M. “Yeah, yeah I’m moving.” I say to my gullet in annoyance as I enter the building in front of me.


-------------------------------------------------


As I wander through the plain white corridors of the auxiliary building hoping against hope that I can find the damn nurse’s office before the growls and gurgles from my stomach grow louder than they already are I feel my phone vibrate.


I flip it open as I retrieve it from my back pocket, before I look down to see who the text message is from I notice a green cross shaped sign over the to the left of a door at the end of the hallway that reads ‘Head Nurse’ upon seeing this and adjusting my heading I looks down at my phone. The small screen reads: <One new message from Shinjiro Satonaka>


Well I wasn’t expecting to receive any messages from him until to-night but I guess his meeting got cancelled or he’s really bored and waiting for the meeting to start or something along those lines. I decide to open the message I notice that there is a picture of what looks like a red American made mini-van attached to the message.


<What do you think Y/N.> the message reads, I wonder why he sent this to me.


<Looks cool, how many seats does it have?> As I press send on my phone I hear the door in front of me fly open when I look up all I see is a blob speeding towards me. Before I can even think of moving out of its way, it collides with me with what I imagine is the force of a runaway freight train, I let out a pained grunt and the blob let’s out a terrified “Eek!” as it tackles me to the ground.


“Ow!” I say in a pained voice as I feel my head hit the hard tile floor like it had been dropped out of an air plane, I close my eyes in pain for a second before I realize that I feel someone on top of me, they don’t feel very heavy, in-fact it feels like I could toss them off without a problem, but before I can follow through with this plan I hear a feminine voice from above me. “Oh crap! Are you all right!?” the voice says in a rather frantic and panicked sounding tone.


After another couple of seconds I open my eyes to see a teenage girl with fair skin wide Blue eyes and light brown colored hair. She is wearing the girls’ uniform which consists of a plain white blouse with a black bowtie at the collar and some-what long forest green skirt. Wait were is she sitting on me?


“Hey answer me!” The girl above me is almost screaming at me at this point. She seems to be panicking maybe she thinks I can’t take falls very well, I should say something to calm her down… I should but noticing where she’s sitting on me I can’t pass up this opportunity to mess with her for knocking me down.


“You are sitting on my groin.” I say flatly, I desperately fight not to burst out laughing when her face turns a crimson red after looking down at her skirt.


“Wow Ikuno, I didn’t know you were that desperate for a boyfriend!” I hear a playful feminine sounding voice say from behind the girl on top of me.


It takes about half a second for her to realize were she is and jump off of me and looks away in embarrassment. “I uh… he was uh… I um… SHUTUPMIKI!” she blurts that last part out so fast I can barely under stand her.


I begin to chuckle a little as I start to get up from the floor when I the girl standing in the doorway of the nurse’s office.


She has sienna brown skin wide brown eyes and long chocolate colored hair that seems to go all the way down her back; she is also wearing the male uniform shirt along with the female uniform skirt. “You should at least treat him to dinner first.” The chocolate haired girl says in a playful tone while looking at the light brown haired girl whose face reddens even more at the chocolate haired girls comment.


“I said shut up!” The light brown haired girl says in a frantic and embarrassed tone. Upon hearing this, an eerily familiar sly grin appears the chocolate haired girls’ face I can’t place where I’ve seen it before but it looks like a grin that says ‘I’m having too much fun to stop now.’ Where have I seen it?


“I mean come on straight to the mount? Hmph! You have no class Ikuno!” she says in a disappointed tone.


“Damn it Miki! That isn’t what I was doing!” the light brown haired girl in the same frantic tone.


As the chocolate haired girl moves from the doorway towards her I see I man in a white lab coat and short blue hair appear from the left side of the door frame.


He gives the brown haired and chocolate haired girls’ a slight look of annoyance, but after realizing that they’re to busy arguing to notice his look he turns to me and waves me into the office.


I comply and begin walking towards the door way, as I enter I close the door behind me still hearing the brown haired girl’s frantic and constant shut ups’, along with several teasing comments from the chocolate haired girl.


The blue haired guy is the first to talk. “I take it that you’re Mister Winters?” I turn and reply with an entertained voice. “Yes I’m Hideaki Winters; you must be the head nurse.” As I say this I take a look at the room.


Its some-what small, but not too small, with beige colored walls and a single well kept desk with several coffee cup rings on it. “Yes that’s right, can you please take a seat over there?” he says as he motions his hands to a plain looking black folding chair.


“Sure.” I say with an indifferent tone.


“Okay I was just beginning to go over your file so please wait a moment.” He says flipping open a file on his desk. I reply with a simple nod and start scanning the room with my eyes.


I notice that there are two small beds covered in plain white sheets and what look like curtains that go around them.

My gaze eventually settles back on the nurse who seems to be going over my file while making jotting down notes on a small piece of paper next to him. He seems young maybe in his late twenties to early thirties, and now that I get a look at him his hair looks like it has a slight purple tint to it.


After a couple of minutes he puts down my file down on his desk and takes a drink from his coffee cup before addressing me. “Sorry to keep you waiting hope I didn’t bore you to death.” He says with a toothy grin. So it is possible to die from boredom?


He continues. “It says that you have poor hearing I your right ear and have hereditary Parkinson’s disease is this correct?” He says with a more professional look on his face.


“Yes that’s correct.” I still don’t know how no one managed to see my hearing piece all day. But then again the only people who have even looked at me who weren’t family were Misha and Shizune so maybe Naomi told them about it ahead of time.

I wonder if there are many students here that have Parkinson’s.


“You’re file said that you have developed: Tremors. Bradykinesia. Impaired speech. And stiffness in your neck and fore-arms, Correct?” He says as we both hear the voices of the Brown and Chocolate haired girls stop.


“Guess they’re done.” I say while looking staring at the door. “And yes all of that is correct but most of the later symptoms you mentioned don’t really affect me as long as I take my medication.”


Just as the nurse opens his mouth to say something the door flies open, revealing the brown and chocolate haired girls’ from the hallway.


“Is he hurt nurse? Did I break one of his bones? Is he going to be alright!?” The brown haired girl asks all these questions so fast that I can barely keep up. Why is she so worried about someone she just met?


“Mister Winters is fine Miss Komaki, but in the future please remember that we have rules against running in the halls for a reason.” The nurse says in a scolding tone while wearing disappointed a frown. “Now please go back to the hallway.”


Both the girls comply and close the door on the way out. Before it shuts I hear the chocolate haired say in a playful voice. “Wow Ikuno, worried about your new boy friend much?”


“Hey don’t start that again!” I hear the brown haired girl say as she walks out. “Um… do they always argue like that?” I ask while still staring blankly at the door. “Only when Miss Miura finds something to tease Miss Komaki with. Now back to your symptoms.”


End of Chapter 1 Scene 3:Check Up Time.


As usual I accept any criticisms and please leave a reply with any questions you might have - LS
Last edited by LorSquirrel on Mon Apr 29, 2013 5:12 pm, edited 6 times in total.
User avatar
LorSquirrel
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 am
Location: Squirreltopia, Land of the sacred trees.
Contact:

Fun facts #1

Post by LorSquirrel »

Fun Facts Of Chapter 1 Scene 3


I was originally going to have Suzu be friends with Miki in this scene but i scrapped the idea when i realized two things one: The Miki and Suzu being best buds has been bloodily beaten to death with a metal bat and I already have the cliche of a new transfer student coming to Yamaku before the festival so i didn't want to over step on the cliche. and two: NO ONE EVER USES IKUNO! and i mean never, I have not seen a single story that uses her at all so i figured that i should try something new.


This scene was originally titled: You Again?. in which Hideaki has a hallucination of a dead family member (not going to say who it was because i'm planning on using something like this later on) who would have had a conversation with him about his past.


The van that Shinjiro Satonaka sent showed Hideaki in the text message is a supposed to be a 2004 Chevi venture.

Post Reply