Lotus Child

[griffon8]

Also, what you said in your last chapter of your last post, if you could call it that, does that mean that Hanako lives with Hikari in Yamaku? And how did she pay for it?

I'd say that Hanako is working at Yamaku and Hikari is attending school there as part of the deal. They probably live in the nearby town.

[LordDarknus]

Author's notes: really tired right now.. I'll reply to your posts during weekend, sorry. and Thank You.





Mama and Teacher Hisao aren't talking...

Mama keeps her eyes pointed at her tea, while Teacher Hisao looks sadly at mama.

I wonder why...



The tea room is padded quiet with silent comfort,

I was told that they didn't talk much when they knew each other too.

But a cold bridge of sadness is seemingly coming between them.



"H-h-hanako.." his whisper came so softly unexpected,

"Y-Yes?!" ..., mama's confusion and surprise was even more unexpected.

"Hanako.. I've been meaning to ask..", I think I almost smile, that Teacher Hisao is finally asking mama out again.



"Hanako, you.... your arm."

"H-huh?", is.. is Hisao talking about that faded red spot on mama's arm? He was staring at it, mama keeps trying to cover it up.

"Did you.. Hanako, were you addicted?"



What?! Why would Hisao ask something like that? Why is mama just keeping quiet? ...Why is mama just lowering her head?

How Could Hisao Ask Something like that? Why is mama just forcing herself to keep smiling? That false mournful look on Hisao's face... I hate it.

I can't stand mama Not saying Anything, I slap my hands on the table and stood up, "Mama's Arm Was Hooked To An IV Machine. She Was On Life Support For Years After Giving Birth To Me."



"Hikari!" Mama's voice almost cracked with the sound of tears, I say something awful that I can't even remember saying it.

"hikari.. that's enough.." mama's tears were unseen, lost in lowering the value of her being, Hisao says something but it didn't help.

I've never seen mama acting like this before, ..it makes me even sadder to know that's how she must have always been. On the inside. And I never learned how to help her broken heart stop crying.



I run with their voices indistinct and hollow in the empty halls, I run with sadness and grief for mama, I run with clenched hands holding back tears and sobs.

The broom closet door hits the dusty frame shut, but I hear only my head and body hitting the unswept floor in shivers. I can't stop crying...

My mind tries to fight back the cold loneliness from when I was an orphan, when I had no mama to hold and love me, when I knew only the indescribable feeling of worthlessness that is being abandoned to strangers. I don't want that feeling again... I don't want it... I don't want mama to feel like that...



Something lifts the darkness a little and the tears and memories stop mixing, when the overwhelming sadness lets go of me enough to hear mama crying just outside,

"i'm sorry hikari.. i'm sorry, it's my fault, it's all because of me your papa left, I yelled at him.. the same way I yelled at Hisao, I didn't mean to.. I didn't want him to hurt you... I didn't mean to... I'm Sorry.. I'm sorry.."

"m-mama?" I don't hate you.. I don't, "i'm sorry mama..."



I know how much you've been through.. I don't know how much strength you found to keep living... I never knew how to understand you,

You don't say anything, because it's too painful to talk about. But we keep thinking we can help or can do something to make it better.

Even if in the end, you did everything right and nothing wrong, and everyone still misjudges you...



I want you to know that I'm sorry, and that my apology comes from everyone,

From Hisao who I know still loves you.. from those who can't see past your scars,

From your mother and father for not being there like you are now for me.



I'm Sorry Mama..

I'll be a better daughter from now on...

I Promise.

[centurion911]

The picture kinda makes it look like it's Hisao and Misha

[Mirage_GSM]

My my, Hanako's health sure degraded a lot.
First some unspecified, mysterious complications during childbirth, later an extremely serious case of asthma...
Don't you think you're laying it on pretty thick here?

[KeiichiO]

Wow, I'm liking where this is going.

Poor Hanako...

I haven't read many fanfics, but so far, this is one of the most depressing ones I have read.

[griffon8]

I haven't read many fanfics, but so far, this is one of the most depressing ones I have read.

If you want depressing, check out almost anything by Doomish.

[Dream]

Hmm, on one chapter we have a first person narration from Hisao which was rather interesting if more of an introduction to a larger story. On the second we have a first person narration from Hanako where she alludes to having been near death and a lot of other health problems, she also seems to have a slightly worrying fixation on her daughter. On the third chapter we have drug addiction and chases and tears and drama and breakdowns and heartfelt confessions.

I think things are escalating a bit too quickly/strongly.

[LordDarknus]

My my, Hanako's health sure degraded a lot.
First some unspecified, mysterious complications during childbirth, later an extremely serious case of asthma...
Don't you think you're laying it on pretty thick here?

She survived a fire. In close proximity.

It's not really impossible for her to have inhaled deadly amounts of smoke to have affected her health.

Not even taking into account the brain damage that would result from something like that.

(Note: smoke inhalation often kills first, before actual flames in a fire.)

http://www.examiner.com/article/smoke-i ... lp-arrives

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_he ... tion.shtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smoke_inhalation


(I've always thought it was Hanako being extremely lucky, or outright determined to live, to have survived and even remained relatively normal)

The picture kinda makes it look like it's Hisao and Misha

sorry. intended it to be more violet than pink. ...it didn't look like that to me at the time.


yeah, I think I'll stick to just oneshots from now on.

this is what happens when I try to make something more out of nothing, or don't plan enough, or don't get enough sleep.

Or all of that put together.

[Mirage_GSM]

She survived a fire. In close proximity.

It's not really impossible for her to have inhaled deadly amounts of smoke to have affected her health.

Yes, but why would that manifest only many years later?

[LordDarknus]

She survived a fire. In close proximity.

It's not really impossible for her to have inhaled deadly amounts of smoke to have affected her health.

Yes, but why would that manifest only many years later?

It's not unheard of, children can be especially hardy when recovering from trauma. But it doesn't change the fact that if body and health had been severely damaged, an emotional blow (or Pregnancy) can be all it takes to weaken the mind and immune system, and the same child as an adult may not be able to make the same "miraculous" recovery again.

Or... Hanako was hiding her asthma and relatively frail system from everyone, and that's her more pertinent reason for attending Yamaku. Though arguably, it seems she didn't really need to be there, but then again, you can say that about a lot of the other disabled students. (as in.. they don't actually need a doctor to monitor them closely all the time, like Rin, Shizune, Lilly, and probably more)

(also; it seems to Hisao she can run fast, but it's not really known if she gets severely out of breath when she gets out of sight, and verily; she's definitely far from athletic)

Also; final entry into this not-so-good story.










The bashing and clicking of the train tracks droned on...

In the empty night that puts the silence of distance between us.

Under the coldness of night..... where Hikari and I now travel through...



Past events leading up to this point flash by in streetlights;

I remember how Hikari looked under them, with a bandage over her eye and the hate in her scowl.


She must know me.. somehow..., she had to.

For I'm her father.


"-Don't Touch Me You Bastard! You Abandoned Me! You Left Mama To Die! I HATE YOU!"

-that's to be expected..., i don't know what to tell her....., i don't even know where to begin...



But the story must come out. Or she won't come with me, and stay behind with her mother.

my wife.. hanako..., ...if I can ask God one worthy question; it'd be: "Why did everything have to end up this way?"


It was long ago... i was starting a shipping company. Business was booming.

And it would have kept on going good for me; as long as I didn't ask the Yakuza about their 'special' containers.


But i already knew what was in them. I adopted an old police dog; and it would never stop barking whenever the drugs were brought in.

I could always turn a blind eye. ..until that day, they shot my dog. For biting and maiming the dealers.


Heh, they would have shot me too, but then they'd have to start over with bribing another man. And that'd be too troublesome.

I kind of wished they had killed me. It would have been better.. maybe. I wouldn't have started drinking... I wouldn't have met Hanako.


It was ..strange, the way things turned out. I didn't think she'd shelter me from the rain after I vomited on her,

...to be honest, I didn't really understand what she saw in me. On the night I fell in love with her. The jealous storm raging down on us notwithstanding.



We wedded. We promised each other. We ...loved, each other.

I could keep on turning a blind eye, as long as she was there for me, as long as she'd never judge me. ..no, as long as she never knew.


When Hanako became pregnant with Hikari, the Yakuza came to our apartment to celebrate. They're like that, ..it's their ..."tradition".

It didn't take long for Hanako to realise what my real occupation was. The true source of my income. The nature of my twisted lie.


She yelled at me. She knew how many lives were destroyed by the white powder.. the white dust that is blood. That can never be washed off my hands.

I had wanted to escape from ..'that'. I didn't know what 'it' looked like, but in the flickering light of overdue realisation; I saw the monster in me reflected on Hanako's face.


I could never face her again. ..not after being confronted with my crimes. ..with the lies that we built our happy home on. The sick truth that is me.

I ran away.. from her, from myself, from the monster inside. I drowned in alcohol each night, and woke up a different person each time.


It was no different than being dead. Reborn a monster everytime the news listed another soul lost to addiction. I couldn't turn a blind eye anymore...

I ratted to the police. The day Hanako collapsed at her work place, at the restaurant owned by the Yakuza. There was no way I could have known.



My intentions weren't completely that of atonement. I had racked up a huge debt with another business, and the Yakuza had been lavishly pampering me prior.

It was all down to a single choice; to continue the lie. Or make amends.


The police helped transfer Hanako away, to some hospital near her old school. Called 'Yamaku' or something. It was a special school for disabled students.

I wondered why Hanako would study there, but the doctors made it clear for me; Hanako's health wasn't as perfect as it seemed. Our child could die with her in birth.


I wanted to be beside her for it, when the moment came, but they wouldn't let me. Staying hidden near her old school was the last place anyone would suspect.

Even I didn't know anything about it... much less the Yakuza who were outraged and out for blood. So... I stayed away.... I didn't do anything to for Hanako.....


I think I nearly went mad with grief in the jail cell, waiting for the news of the delivery, ...it was only indescribable when my confidant told me both Hanako and Hikari survived.

Even if Hanako had to spend years on life support, after nearly working herself to death, even if Hikari had to stay at Hanako's old orphanage, ..I was thankful.


"Protective custody".., in a way, my family was caught in the limbo of "protective custody". Justice was slow, ..and so was my road to redemption.

Court hearings can take extremely long, ..especially when big and powerful people are involved. And i had to testify each time like a cowardly rat in the shadows.



When it was finally over, ..when the dark cloud finally lifted for me, I ran to Hanako, I had held it all in all those years, I wanted her to know every word of every prayer that I wished for her safety and happiness. And I wanted to make it all Real again. ..our Happy Home

But she had already found the man she truly loved; a teacher at Yamaku. 'Hisao' or whatever. And she wanted to marry him. ....I never said a word to stop her.


It felt as if my soul had been blown away, by the gale of that same storm so many nights ago, under the icy waters that poured on us as we met.

...under that rainy night where I fell in love with Hanako, where everything that I was fell apart.


'Look at it this way; It's a fresh start!', my ever cheerful confidant always knew how to say the best things to upset me, I guess he should; it became his job as my closest friend.

He somehow got me working in the legal department, a fairly good job thanks to him asking his ex-girlfriend to pull some strings for me. In retrospect; I should have been more grateful than I was.


Maybe it was punishment.. maybe God had Really wanted me to suffer; when I lost control of myself one drunk night, and got into a fight. ..with Hisao.

I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't know he had a heart problem, I just pushed him to the ground, ...he said he thought Hanako was an addict, ...I couldn't pull back my punch.


my god... what had I done? i killed him... i killed Hikari's father.... I swear I didn't mean to...... Hanako...., you believe me, ...right?

..hanako? please... forgive me... please.....



After the funeral..., Hanako's health got worse.., she was bedridden again.

The doctors told me it was 'psychosomatic' or something, I think they had tried to not put it too directly; that I had killed Hanako's will to live again.


I didn't have a face to show her anymore.. shame was all that i became. death was all that i was good for..

but she summoned me. to beside her bed, to hear her words; that she forgives me. That I am still Hikari's father. I am all Hikari has left. Don't let her be alone again.


i didn't know how long i cried, with her scar-ridden hand gently patting on my head, her smile proving to me that she wasn't weak. she was always stronger than i would have thought. she was.. beautiful...

"i love you"


I tried reaching out to Hikari, it didn't work the first few hundred times. Hanako said she could make her stay and listen to me, but that didn't felt fair to her, so I let her avoid me for as much as she needed to. ..until she was ready to accept ...me.

Maybe that was the problem. I didn't feel that I was a father. I can't wipe away the unspeakable sins of my past, the stains that have hurt Hikari so deeply in her life.


I wondered if I was ever worthy of being her father. if I ever Could be Hikari's father... i made a promise to Hanako, I know.. but it was the most difficult question that I could have asked for an answer from God.

And God was not feeling very charitable. The imprisoned Yakuza bastards did not let the iron bars stop them, and they were coming after me... their former friend, the most "loyal" employee, the one traitor with everything to lose.



My confidant made the arrangements, we had to leave the country immediately.

I remember how Hikari ran from me, how it took them too long to find her, and the monsters cut out her eye to make me suffer.


It will not end. Until I give myself up. My confidant locked me back in a jail cell to keep me from harm.

That bastard of a friend gave his life to save my daughter. I will never forget him for that.


There was no way to get to the airport safely, there wasn't enough time to wait for the other officers.

I ran with my unconscious daughter in my arms to the train station, we had to catch the private plane in time.



The bleeding and dripping from my wounded body on the train...

In the empty night that puts the silence of death to me.

Under the coldness of that stormy night... where I leave Hikari crying in my arms as I go to heaven...



and find Hanako there to let me in.

[LordDarknus]

"...they're pretty, aren't they?", she tries to sound cheeful, but Hikari seems a little distracted today.

"Hmm?", I'm not sure why, but I think she's been trying to say something to me.

"those flowers.. in the pond.", it almost feels like.. no, she wants to talk about something.


"Hey, Lilly,"

"Yes Hikari darling?"

"Is it.. easy for you? To look after me?"


"Hmm, not really, no mother who has ever raised a child will say that it's an easy task."

"But you're not my mother."

"..no, but that doesn't matter. You are Loved, Hikari. By me, by.. Hanako, by ...Hisao, your father, ...everyone."


"Even Akira?"

"Of Course! Honestly, Hikari, what thoughts have been going on in that little head of yours-"

"I made her ex-boyfriend die."


"Hikari, listen to me. You did not come here to Scotland only to betray the memory of everyone who sacrificed themselves for you-"

"But she hates me.. i know it, auntie akira can't even look at me-"

"You did nothing wrong. The minute you start thinking you did, I'll send you back to where you came from, understand?"



"...i understand, .....i'm sorry Lilly"

"Then promise yourself to stop acting like a little brat."

"..okay"


I did not intend to yell at Hikari so cruelly, but this girl... she really leaves me no choice.

I don't want her to get it in her head that hurting herself is going to make things better,

I would only be betraying ..Hanako ..and Hisao, if I let Hikari hate herself, if I let her end up doing something unthinkable.


"Hmm, what.. what were you talking about earlier darling? Something about our pond?", changing the subject always works at times like these.

"u-umm, the.. the pink flowers.."

"Oh? Do they smell pretty?"


"n-no.. i don't know. but.."

"....but what?"

"Papa told me that a lotus grows to the light, despite the murky depths it came from."


Oh. That's what's troubling her. "Your father told you that for a reason, darling,"

"..he said that if translated creatively; Mama's name can mean 'pond flower-child', or.. 'lotus child'"

"...I know, ..Hanako had a beautiful name. And so do you;", I kneel to her height and put a supporting hand on her spirit,



Your name can mean 'light of the pond', I think it's a very beautiful name,

Whether you realise it or not; you are the Light of Hanako's life,

You are a Worthy, Beautiful being, that your Mama and Papa gave their lives for.


So don't say things like 'Akira hates me', or 'I caused Mama so much pain',

Don't think like that, you did nothing wrong to earn contempt,

You'll only cause those lies to come true if you make yourself believe them.


Alright? Hikari?

"Lilly.. is it..", her voice cracks through the tears; "is it alright to cry?"

"It's alright...", she sounds so much like Hanako, "it's alright to cry...", that I can't stop crying with her.


I've heard the same crying before, it's an exact echo from the past, through the ebb and flow of the years,

There is so much I regret, so much that I wanted to share with Hanako, so much that I needed her forgiveness for...

I did not intend to take Hisao from her, I didn't want things to turn out this way, I want to change the ugly reality.


"they're.. they're pretty.", Hikari still has something to say about those flowers?

"Yes, yes they are.", there is nothing pretty about the ugly world.

"I think.. i think mama forgives you, Lilly. for everything. So.. please don't blame yourself anymore too.. okay?"



The ugly, ugly, .....beautiful.., world, that Hikari and I are blessed with.





They're pretty..

Aren't they?

Those Water Lilies

[LordDarknus]

...why no more posts?



ok fine, so it really wasn't that good, but I thought at least one person would like to point another bit of egregiousness or error or something... well anyway, I left out a "Credits / song" thing at the end because I thought it would detract from things, but here was my choice;



(Hikari already has a song, but the vocal version of 'Shining in the Sky' didn't really feel like it was about this story...)

(And this story is named after Hanako after all (sort of), so 'Trust You' by Yuna Ito seems (almost) a perfect fit for Hanako to be "singing" to Hikari's father)

"Alternate, less-dramatic" translation of lyrics here;

http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gundam00/trustyou.htm

http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gundam00/trustyou.jis