KS After Story: Shizune Edition

[E.B.Ordway]

Hello KS Fans,

You might have heard from my friend on here Brisingr about the project we're working on. I have finally posted my fan fiction starring Shizune and Hisao. So, if you're interested here is my link. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9040138/1/K ... ne-Edition
Also I would like to note that I am also in the process of doing a KS After Story with Misha being the main interest. Let me know what you think. Thanks you!

[CptSalsa]

I like it. An interesting development, I would never think of Misha living with them after all that's happened.

You have a bunch of errors, but I need to go to sleep soon so I will get to it later.

I've always remarked at how Kenji manages to get in fan fictions like these. He's like John McClane.

[ProfAllister]

Well, first off, I can guarantee that many people simply won't read it since you posted a link to an outside site. The silly politics and disputes about which sites and communities may be acceptable aside, it's a matter of respect. The general idea around here is that the fanfic is posted directly, rather than linked. Posting a link effectively says "I can't be bothered to take the 30 seconds to copy and paste." Or, at the very least "I can't be bothered to take a quick look and get a sense of the basic rules and common practices of this community before coming in and doing my thing."

On to the subject matter itself...

The use of music and other VN-specific elements is generally discouraged around here (though some attempt to do so anyway, to mixed degrees of success). It's a matter of using the medium you have. Imagine reading a novel with an included CD, and every few pages it had a note indicating a track number. In theory it could be done well and enhance the experience, but, as a general rule, it pulls the reader out of the story and forces them to alter their preferred reading environment for the sake of getting the "intended experience."

As for actual music selection, the placement of most of those songs seems a little... off. There's a lot of great music in the KS OST, but they all have rather defined contexts. You seem to have just chosen songs you particularly liked and threw them in there.

It sounds harsh, but your writing could seriously use an editor. There are many many instances of tense shifting, improperly spelled words, accidentally using a homonym for the intended word, etc. A few minutes with a dictionary could solve the latter two, and a careful read could solve the former, but they're there all the same.

Timing is unclear. We have no idea when this occurs, why they're back so close to Yamaku, etc. You've given us a lot of background without really giving us any background. I understand that you're only hinting at it for a later elaboration, but some details are pretty important for an opening scene.

The sex scene was... sparse. If you're too embarrassed to go into detail, then it's better to be coy about the whole thing. The description given seems half-assed, and doesn't convey much more than "And then we had sex. It was good."

And, of course, there are some little details here and there that are ever so slightly off, but the big details are a good deal more important at this point. There's potential here, but it needs a quite a bit more polish (and possibly even a rewrite) before it can really shine.

[Carighan]

I like it. An interesting development, I would never think of Misha living with them after all that's happened.

Well, cpl_crud himself made a threesome out of it.

[Oddball]

The description given seems half-assed, and doesn't convey much more than "And then we had sex. It was good."

Now I really want to write something that uses those lines.