This is what Oddball has told me.
Fyn, from what I can see, you have two real problems.
First off, you have an incredibly bleak view of the world, perhaps purposely so. The world isn't always a horrible place. Not everything leads to violence and death. Sometimes sadness and depression are just that. They don't have to lead to anything further than that. Sometimes people that are happy and act nice are just happy nice people. Not everyone has ulterior motives. Also, being disabled doesn't mean a person is helpless.
Second, you think you're much smarter than you actually are, when it's pretty obvious to anyone that reads your arguments that you have no real-world experience with these things.
I was hurt by the truth. I wont say that its a lie (except the second one). And the reason for this is because of my past.
In highschool, I was optimistic and cheerful. Until when my friends turned their back on me and considered my public face as a guinea pig. I was humiliated in centerstage. This has lead me to twist my world views and drowned myself in the net.
It has been 2 years now and i have managed to get over it. Or at least I believe so. I never had any friends anymore. I am considered a hikikomori and my favorite domain in the net are debate sites where we often exchange words that will hurt. I had learned it in the Spartan way.
And that was just the start, about the second reason, that is a false one.
My depression has caused me to act twisted. I often hallucinate in things that are not there, I start to laugh or cry without any reason. And I have experiences where my eyes will just turn red, forget everything then I will get the toughts of slashing the necks of the person next to me.
This is not a lie
Remember my OP? Well, she was based on my attitude. In order to survive, I have learned to create imaginary friends and suppress any thoughts of my past. I am paranoid about my safety that I carry not box cutters into school, but knives. And not just one puny paper cutter, i have 8 blades in my bag.
Saying that I do not know despair is just the same as saying that I do not exists!
I consulted this to the Guardians Office and she said that it will be a secret between the 2 of us. So I felt safe. Only later that day, my parents came to school and informed me of my problems.
I WAS BETRAYED AGAIN!
And not just that, she also informed the guards and my class adviser. Which caused a domino effect. I am now the focus of every attention. Everyone threats me like i am a bomb. And last week, the Student Council gave my parents a notice for a meeting about my problems
It was shceduled for Thursday next week. I do not know what will happen after that. I can get suspended or worse, expelled. But what i worry the most is that I might blew up.
I tried my best to learn how to control my urges and live a simple life.
I reject any invitation no matter how small the event
I avoided crowds as much as possible
I am always drunk to calm my nerves.
i dont want this sacrfices to go to waste. If I get expelled. Do you think that I can get any other college who will accept someone with such mental health?
