Assorted comments, written as I read the chapters:
"Don't worry, I'll tell you about it as our relationship moves on, I promise you. "
So they are in a relationship already? Did I miss that part?
And when did they get so familiar that he would call her "Lil"?
"Where should I put the books, Lil'?" "You can just put them in a pile next to the other books. I'll figure them out later." I empty my backpack of books as I take a look around her room.
You're sometimes mising line breaks, i.e. here.
"I have years of experience running away from bullies, so I can say I can take you guys to the win."
Yeah, that has to be enough to beat someone who has been actually training every day for years...
"Come on, I know you like her. And from what I have understood, the feeling might be mutual."
Pretty optimistic there...
"Yeah, same to you, I'll go ahead to town."
I guess you want to insert the Akira scene there?
...
Yes you did. And it's almost a carbon copy of the one from KS.
"Yeah...
Not Lilly's language.
As for the staff problem, how about I help out?
Another carbon copy of the same scene from KS. You just switched the protagonist. Remind me why anyone who already knows KS should read this story? You even take whole lines verbatim from the original...
"Thanks, Lilly. That means a lot coming from you."
Oooh... This could be taken as sarcasm^^°
"You know we are all under the drinking age, right?" Lilly asks me, trying to scold me. "What if we get caught?"
Reasonable question considering they are planning to have the party in a public place like the Shanghai. Yuuko is going to be mortified.
"Whoa....I..I...I don't think....I...can take these speeds....anymore....you're too fast for me." she tries to say as she's gasping for air.
Thought so. Training is for wimps. Superman and protagonists don't need stuff like that.
I say, my voice still lower than usual from talking to Kenji. ... She obviously doesn't recognise my voice.
So saying two lines to Kenji has had a lating effect on his voice? So much that even Lilly doesn't recognize it anymore?
The only reason I can think of why she would need that is..."Ah, are you planning to become an English teacher?"
This is the only reason you might need a certificate for English? I can think of dozens of jobs that would require something like that.
and I am probably even better than you in English."
Faster than Emi without any training, better than a native speaker in English. Mr. Perfect does it again.
Promise me one thing though, we try to slow down our relationship, okay?"
Up to this point it has always been Lilly who initiated kissing etc. ...
"Well, if you can, put me in the last two shifts. I get faster over a distance, and I can hold my top speed for about a lap."
Superman again... Is this even allowed in a relay?
And does that mean, they wouldn't have been able to run a relay at all, if Miki hadn't recruited him on short notice.
Not bad, I think as I hear my time, I have improved a bit.
Ah, so not only did he not lose any muscle mass during his long time without training, he even got better?
...Sorry if I couldn't keep my sarcasm in check.
Your writing itself is good, if sometimes a bit rushed, but your character is a total Gary Stu...
Mirage_GSM wrote:Assorted comments, written as I read the chapters:
...Sorry if I couldn't keep my sarcasm in check.
Your writing itself is good, if sometimes a bit rushed, but your character is a total Gary Stu...
First of all, even showing sarcasm is an opinion. And yes, he might seem perfect at first, but I don't want to reveal too much about him and the other side this early in the story.
"Don't worry, I'll tell you about it as our relationship moves on, I promise you. "
So they are in a relationship already? Did I miss that part?
And when did they get so familiar that he would call her "Lil"?
Nope, the relationship being mentioned in there is a small play of words. Even being someone's friend is being in a relationship.
As for the nickname, IMO it's easier to just call Lilly like that and you know she's not the type to argue with that...much.
"I have years of experience running away from bullies, so I can say I can take you guys to the win."
Yeah, that has to be enough to beat someone who has been actually training every day for years...
Only if they have the same experience. Give and take a few years, since the OC started 1st grade when 7.
"Yeah, same to you, I'll go ahead to town."
I guess you want to insert the Akira scene there?
...
Yes you did. And it's almost a carbon copy of the one from KS.
Ah...wait, it is? Damn, stupid brain. To tell you the truth, I didn't look at the original story up until the track meet, and even that was because...I haven't actually played Emi's route.
As for the staff problem, how about I help out?
Another carbon copy of the same scene from KS. You just switched the protagonist. Remind me why anyone who already knows KS should read this story? You even take whole lines verbatim from the original...
It's not a total copy...is it? And, as you have noticed, I am not just trying to set up the OC and Lilly, so there are some of the old lines there. Though I can say, most of them are accidental, as my brain screws me over, trying to mix Hisao and the OC a bit.
Anyway, you yourself have got to admit, sometimes there's no point fixing something that isn't broken
"You know we are all under the drinking age, right?" Lilly asks me, trying to scold me. "What if we get caught?"
Reasonable question considering they are planning to have the party in a public place like the Shanghai. Yuuko is going to be mortified.
Don't ask, don't tell, always worked for me.
and I am probably even better than you in English."
Faster than Emi without any training, better than a native speaker in English. Mr. Perfect does it again.
Not that much, just a bit more stamina. Give Emi maximum a year, she'll easily pass him. Also, can't a man brag once in a while?
Promise me one thing though, we try to slow down our relationship, okay?"
Up to this point it has always been Lilly who initiated kissing etc. ...
Makes sense to me. Now, if the OC had said that, I would've started questioning.
"Well, if you can, put me in the last two shifts. I get faster over a distance, and I can hold my top speed for about a lap."
Superman again... Is this even allowed in a relay?
And does that mean, they wouldn't have been able to run a relay at all, if Miki hadn't recruited him on short notice.
1. No Superman, if you want, I can PM you a schoolmate's name who has done this before. And again, a man bragging
2. Yes, it is. Since it's a school event, not the olympics, why not? Only a disadvantage for them, am I right?
3. Yes. Obvious as it is, I didn't think to add that part.
Not bad, I think as I hear my time, I have improved a bit.
Ah, so not only did he not lose any muscle mass during his long time without training, he even got better?
Yeah, now that I reread that sentence, something's a miss.
Anyway, I'll rework the story a bit, again, to make things clearer a tad.
Not that much, just a bit more stamina. Give Emi maximum a year, she'll easily pass him.
But he had that stamina without any training at all, compared to Emi who runs every day.
If he beat her without any training, how is she supposed to surpass him when he actually does train?
Yes, it is. Since it's a school event, not the olympics, why not? Only a disadvantage for them, am I right?
Not really, Passing the baton always carries the risk of dropping it. Also, I think the runners have to slow down a bit to pass it safely...
All told, not having to pass the baton on might actually be an advantage.
I admit that's just me as a layman talking - someone who actually does track and field would know better.
The backstory he gives in the first part makes him seem like he's trying too hard to be interesting. I was actually hoping that was the route you were taking early on, and he was just making it all up to sound cool, but as I read onto the other chapters, it seems I was mistaken. Really, if you had told me he rocketed to earth from his dying planet, it wouldn't have been any less believable.
You follow it up by copying scenes from the game, having a main character that is already friends with everybody, "mysterious"nightmares, an out of place videogame reference (buying guns and then getting a free coat so he can look more cool?), he openly mocks Hanako and she doesn't do anything but blush, ... honestly. No. Nothing in this really works.
The character comes across as far too understanding of everything, too perfect, too in control. It feels like I'm just re-reading the game except with a protagonist that never makes any mistakes and handles everything in the best way possible.
I just have to ask you this. What are your characters flaws? What does he do wrong? What mistakes does he make? What do other characters NOT like about him?
I open my eyes to see a face right next to mine. Instictively, I pull back, only to see that it's Lilly. What in the hell is she doing in my bed. Oh, right, we were drinking last night. I can't believe it went so smoothly, no one passed out or got sick. Then again, it only was a single bottle.
I lift myself over Lilly and drop myself on the floor. Looking up, I see Hisao and Hanako, still cuddling like there's no tomorrow. As I put on my socks, I realise I am hungry as hell. A good idea would be to cook up something for the four of us, since they must feel the same as well. What if someone sees me though, it would look bad if I walked around holding four plates.
I laugh at my own stupidity. Four plates? What am I, a bloody waitress? The laugh has woken up Hisao. "....Man, why do you have to be so loud...?" he whispers as I stare at him.
"Because that is the punishment for drinking good whiskey carelessly. I am glad that you're up, I need your help carrying food in a few minutes. Can you walk?" I whisper back and pull him up.
"Let me try." He takes a few steps around, all seemingly well. "Seems so."
"How about now?" I pull his arms forward and put a few books on them. This time, there's a bit of a wobble, but nothing serious.
"I am good. So, how about that food? Since you mentioned it, I am hungry."
"Fine, clean yourself up a bit though," I point a finger at his clothes. "You are a mess right now."
I head to the kitchen and prepare some ramen. Hisao joins me in a bit, noticing my speed.
"Wow, looks like you got some experience in this as well. I guess you've picked that up when travelling, right?"
I put down some bowls and serve the first patch of the ramen. "No, I learned this while taking care of my sister."
"Sweet." Something doesn't seem right in his tone though. "Wait, sister? I thought you were an..."
"Only child?" I fill the next bowl. "I am now."
Hisao picks both ramen bowls up. "What do you mean?"
I fill the other two in a hurry, feeling myself becoming bottled up with something unusual - rage. Hisao has noticed my harshness as well.
"Learn to take a bloody hint, Nakai."
"Alright man, chill." He says as he hurries back to the room with the food. I mentally slap myself as I take the rest of the food. I shouldn't have lashed out at him like that. I slowly walk back to the room, hoping the girls aren't awake already.
My assumptions were correct, as I set down the last of the meal down on the table. I shake Lilly a bit, trying to wake her up. "Morning, sweetie. We prepared some food for you girls as well." As she sits up, I notice she looks really tired. I guess she isn't a morning person.
She releases a yawn as she scratches her head a bit. "Ah, morning. Is that ramen I smell?"
"You are right, freshly prepared, so you girls can dig in straight away. Speaking of digging," I crouch down at Hanako's level, who is still sleeping next to the table.
"Hey, Hanako, having sweet dreams?"
She slowly opens her eyes, instantly shunning back when she sees my face. Great, did I scare her?
She tries to hide her face as she stands up. "M-m-morning. W-what smells so...?" She stops to sniff the air.
"Ramen, straight from the kitchen. Dig in." I say before I look at the clock. Yeah, we got enough time to eat. We all sit at the table and start eating.
There's a silence between us as we slowly eat. I decide it would be best to break it. "So, did everyone sleep well? No one having a hangover right now?"
"I can't feel anything wrong right now, so that would be a no for me. I guess you were right, a bottle really didn't hurt after all," Lilly says with a weak smile.
"N-nothing for me, e-either." Hanako adds before a light sneeze escapes her. She seems to shiver a bit as well, and Hisao quickly notices that.
"Don't worry, I've got you," he says, while pulling a blanket around the both of them. "Can't have you catching a cold around summer, can we?" They both release a small, embarrased giggle as they notice me staring a bit.
It's weird to see them so comfortable around eachother. No, that isn't the right word. Embarrased would be better. Glad to see Hanako not running away from contact like that though.
"What about you? By the amount of squirming, I guess you didn't have the best of dreams." Lilly says, setting her utilities next to the empty bowl.
I try to remember anything about my dream. Why would I be restless? I don't remember anything bad in that dream. In fact, the only thing I do know is that I was sitting on a bench while it was raining, talking to...Oh. Now I get it.
"Yeah, I guess I didn't. Well, depends on how you look at it." A silence falls on the room and it's really awkward.
"You kept repeating some kind of a name as well. Erza, was it?" She says carefully, obviously trying not to spark anything unpleasant. If only she knew...
"Yeah, I used to call my sister that, because of her hair."
"Didn't you say you are an only child?" she asks, while trying to remember something.
"Yeah, but things weren't always like that," I say, starting to get angry again. Luckily Lilly notices that I don't want to talk about it and keeps from asking anything else.
The room falls into an awkward silence as we finish our ramen. The girls leave first, because they still need to go through their rooms before school. I am left with only Hisao in my room. Eventually, he leaves as well and I am left alone in my room. I throw myself on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
I know it wasn't right to be so angry at them all, they didn't know about it. It's just that...today would've been her birthday as well. I feel a tear rolling down my face, but something wipes it away. I turn my head towards the culprit and can't help but to give a smile.
"So, you finally came, huh sis'?" I say as I sit up and look at the person in front of me. A tall curvy figure with long scarlet hair, her right eye looking the same as my left.
"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't come to see you on our birthday, could I?"
I release a single laugh as I reply. "Live? You have been dead for about...what was it, three years this fall?"
She gives me a small, annoyed glare as she sits down next to me. "Cold as ever, I thought you would be happy to see me."
I put a hand around her waist. "I am. You know that, otherwise you would've stopped appearing ages ago."
"Yeah, just teasing. Anyway, what is this place? The last time you were still in the hospital," she says as she takes a quick look around.
"I got myself into a really nice school for the disabled and I know," I say as she gets a curious look on her face, "technically there is nothing actually wrong with me, even if I have mirrored organs, but they accept normal students as well."
"Oh, sweet. Must feel nice having nobody judging you here. Anyone special?"
"Well, there's Hisao, you've already seen him. Then there's Hanako, a really shy girl. I think the two have something going on."
"I'll be the judge of that. You know, I could easily..." she says, but I put her in a quick headlock.
"Now, remember what we talked about the last time." I pull her head around tighter for a second before letting go of her completely.
"Fine,fine, I won't do it. Don't you want to know yourself, though?" She says as she rubs her head and puts it in my lap.
I run my hand through her hair as it reflects the morning sun. It's so soft, exactly as I remembered it.
"Of course, but it's more fun to find it out the old fashioned way." We mellow like that for quite a long time and I hear a bell ringing in the distance.
"Well, looks like you got to go to class." She says as she lifts her head. Instead of getting up, I lower myself back into bed.
"I don't feel like it today. How about we spend the day together, like we used to?" I pat the empty bed next to me. She lays down next to me as we start cuddling. Her body is so warm and soft.
"This feels nice. Brings back some nice memories as well. Remember how we used to do this to save money in the winter?"
"Heh, yeah, didn't work out so well, I always got sick, so we had to pay even more, thanks to the medicine," I laugh, but not for long, as I start crying again.
"I miss you, you know."
"I know silly, that's why I come around every now and then," she says as she kisses my forehead.
I close my eyes, wishing this moment would never end.
I wake up, feeling something moving next to me. I pull back only to realise it's my sister. It's odd though, the sun is already setting and usually she would've dissappeared by now. I hear faint knocking on the door, so I open it.
"Hello, Frank, may I come in?" Lilly says with a soft voice.
"Yeah, sure." I step out of the way so Lilly can get in. We sit on the bed and I watch how Lilly sits through her feet. Ah, so the chance that she is real is excluded.
"So, what brings you here?"
She fidgets a bit before she answers. "You didn't come to school today and I got worried. You seemed fine this morning, so I thought it would be best to check on you."
"Yeah, I just needed today to catch up with my past a bit," I say as I run my hand through my sisters hair. She sneezes ever so lightly in her sleep. She is so cute in her sleep, even if she is my imagination.
"Well, about that, I think you were a little harsh on me this morning. Hisao thinks that as well," Lilly scolds me a bit.
"Yeah, sorry about that," I say as I laugh a bit. "It's just that the topic that is my sister is...well...how to say..." I struggle to find the right words.
Luckily Lilly helps me out there."Extremely delicate?"
"Ah yes, that would do. So, with that put out, you can...tell why I am exatly not the friendliest when she is mentioned."
"True. But right now...you haven't gotten upset about it."
"I guess the fact that we are alone helps." I say as I put my hand around her waist and pull her in closer to me. It's a bit straightforward, but she doesn't mind, so I rest my head on her shoulder. "This is nice, you know."
"What is?" she asks with a face that tells me she knows exactly what I am talking about.
"This. Sitting here with you, just the two of us, alone. Talking about ourselves, getting to know eachother, all that."
"Well, I am glad that you have at least cheered up."
I put my head on her lap now, startling her a bit. She recovers quickly and starts playing with my hair.
"Today is supposed to be her birthday too." I say quietly.
"I'm sorry?" I guess she didn't catch that.
"I said today is supposed to be her birthday as well."
"Your sister's?"
"Yeah. We always went out on a small "date" around this time, even if we had no money. The times we had, though, we would go to the fanciest restaurant we could afford."
"You must've really loved her. Care to tell me more?"
I look at the imaginary body of my sister that is starting to fade away. A sudden burst of confidence fills me. "How about I do you one better and tell you the whole story?"
"Oh no, I couldn't force you to..." she starts resisting, but I cut her off.
"No, you're not forcing anything, don't worry. It's just that...whenever I start talking about her and don't tell the whole story, it leaves...some kind of an....empty feeling I guess."
-------------------------------------- This is where Chapter 8.1 - Sister dearest goes. It would've been too long if I had putten it here.
--------------------------------------
I finish the story and feel drops of tears fall on my head. I look up to see her crying. The always so composed and well-mannered Lilly, crying like a small child. I sit up straight and embrace her, so she could concentrate on letting her emotions free.
"Just...let it all out..." I say as I feel her tears running down my shirt.
"I am sorry, it's just that...I have read a lot of books and...I don't think I have heard or read a sadder story in my life than yours."
"Well, sure, it's sad now, but that's why I can't have it ending that way. She always used to tell me that a childhood full of misery is just a catalyst for a future of happiness. And so far, I am very satisfied with my life."
She gives me a kiss as she pushes me on the bed and falls on top of me. "Do you really think that we would work together?" Ah, she read me too well.
I respond with one of our longest kisses. "I don't think about these things, I just know."
We start making out and it seems like we both are in seventh heaven as we kiss and caress eachother. She stops after a few minutes and looks away with an embarrased face.
"Are you sure this is the right thing to do? We did agree that we would slow down with this, you know."
I put my hand on her cheek and give it a slight stroke. "Ah, you finally remembered. Anyway, we are just kissing, you know. I don't see how this is more than what we usually do, unless you we're thinking of moving things a bit...further." I place more emphasis on that last word while I move my hand on her neck.
"What? Nonononono NO, don't even think about it!" She quickly gets off me while I laugh at her obvious embarrasment.
"Anyway, are you trying to tell me you let me lead the whole time?
"Yeah, but only because I wouldn't know what do and you seem so good at it." I try to say with a slightly guilty tone.
"Well, you are forgiven. This time," she says with a small giggle and gives me a small kiss on the cheek as she gets up. "Happy birthday, Frank."
"Already going? Oh..." I fail to realise it's already nightfall. "Well, a gentleman can't leave a lady go back alone, so how about I escort you back?"
She releases another small giggle, as she motions me to come with her. I put on my coat and we step out of my room, only to bump into Kenji, who was obviously eavesdropping. He tries to run away, but I do a quick sidestep and end up in front of him. He bumps straight into me and falls to the floor.
"And where do we think we are going? Don't you know its rude to spy on people like that?" I say as I tower over him.
"Uhh~, hey, Frank, nice to see you here. I wasn't spying, I was just..." He says and tries to run again. Too easy, I do another quick sidestep and end up in front of him again.
"Don't worry, I don't have it in my plans to hurt you, not at least with a lovely lady right here," I say and pick him up from the ground by his scarf and straighten him up.
"Now, may I have the reason why you were eavesdropping on us? I've told you many times that you don't have to suspect Lilly of being a feminist, I have that under control."
Kenji cleans the dust off his clothes and is obviously disturbed. "What are you doing man, you just blew my cover! Fine, if that's how this goes, I shall reveal who you are as well."
"What, you actually believed that I was in the Russian Mob? Get real, man, it was an obvious lie."
He seems a bit shaken by the fact that I had so easily lied to him, but he recovers quickly. "So, you aren't the current head of the Japan branch of the Russians? Damn, I have been had!" He screams at my face.
"Chill man. You should really check your intel though, who knows what they have been feeding you all this time. How do you know you weren't tricked by the feminists?"
He seems unusually calm as I finish. "Oh, I know my sources are good. Good enough that I know you killed and by that I mean completely destroyed the most influencial mobster of your country, Erza Scar-Augh~!" his monolouge is cut short as I slam him to the closest wall and pin him to the floor with my elbow on his neck.
"You might want to repeat that last one, I don't think I heard you correctly. Are you saying I killed my own sister? ANSWER ME." I say, my voice cold as ice and put some more pressure on his neck.
"Jesus, she was your sister? I had no idea man, otherwise I wouldn't said anything. No man could kill his own sister, even if it would be the most dangerous person alive. And for fuck's sake man, get that gun out of my face!" he says.
I quickly pull back and release Kenji from my hold. What the hell is he on about? As he gasps for air, I notice there is a gun in my left hand. How did that get over here?
I realise the coat I am wearing. Dante's coat, of course, that would explain it. I always kept the guns in the inside pockets. I stand up and notice Lilly just standing next to my door, looking a bit horrified. It must've been scary for her, especially since she had to rely on her hearing.
I throw a last look at Kenji who is still on the floor, trying to breathe. "Look, I am sorry for acting like that. It just that I get a little upset when people talk about my sister and you've got to admit, those were some pretty bold claims, even for you," I say, trying to calm him, and myself.
I offer him a hand as I help him up. "Yeah, man, no worries. I guess I should really check my sources before I say anything." We do a simple handshake.
"Yeah, you do that. Come on, Lil', I believe we were on our way to somewhere?" I start moving towards the stairs and she quickly follows me, putting her hand around mine.
She doesn't say anything until we are out of the boys' dorm.
"So, I guess...you're really upset about your sister," she says quietly, afraid to spark something.
"Yeah, I guess I am. You've got to admit though, that was some really stupid idea he had."
"Was it that stupid that you had to attack him, though? And since when do you own a gun? Is it even legal?" I have clearly upset her now.
"Remember that time before the festival when I met you at the Shanghai? When you were with Akira? I bought them that day. Don't worry though, they have been modified for cosplay use, so they are practically useless. I plan to demodify them and get them registered after we graduate, though."
"Well, at least you didn't hurt anybody. I guess I you have revealed a bit of your dark side now," she says, quiet as before. I start laughing and she gets another of those confused looks on her face. "What's so funny?"
"Oh, you have seen another side of me alright, but girl, let me tell you this. That was just me being angry. The last time the dark side appeared it took a straight punch from my sister to calm me down."
She is visibly horrified by my words. "Oh. Was it that bad?"
I sigh as I look at her. Her face is still horrified, but there are some signs of curiosity. I guess it's a thing I like about her, that exact almost child-like curiosity.
"Yes, when I woke up, she told me I had practically beaten a guy to death. The guys friends were so scared they dropped all charges. I made sure that during the time I was in the hospital, he would be taken care of. In a good way of course, if it was unclear."
"You were in the hospital as well? Oh, right, you took a hit in the face."
"Yeah, but that wasn't all. They had broken my left arm and I guess the pain from that was the catalyst. I swore after that day that I would never allow myself to get in a fight like that, so my sister thought me how to control my emotions."
"Well, we are here," I say as we reach her dorm room. "I am sorry you had to see that though, I promise it won't be a reoccuring thing."
"Alright, Frank. I'll see you tomorrow then." She goes into her room and leaves me out in the hallway. I slowly start walking away, but turn around as I hear a door open behind me.
"Hold on a second, I almost forgot to give you this," she says and gives me a box with a bow on it.
I open it to find a picture of our party yesterday, framed in a dark wooden frame. All of us are there - Yuuko and Akira casually chatting, Hisao and Hanako hugging and finally, me and Lilly raising a glass towards the camera, with a big smile on our face. But who took the picture?
"Thanks, Lilly. Mind if I ask, who took the picture?" I say as I look at it more. It's a really nice mahogany frame.
"You don't remember? You set the camera on a timer." She embraces me as she says that. Did she always have perfume on? It's a sweet coconut smell. Though I don't like sweets at all, this is something I could live with.
"Oh yeah, I did, didn't I? Anyway," I say as I kiss her on the cheek, "thanks for the gift."
"You're welcome."
We say our goodbyes again as I watch her go back into her room again. I figure it would be bad if I was caught just standing here, so I put the picture in my pocket and start walking.
First of all, I want to put a lot of emphasis on this paragraph here. At first, I never even planned to include a sister in the story. I was just gonna have some stupid revenge thing with the red haired girl. But then...I don't know, I guess she did a Harry Potter on me and waltzed right into my dreams and told me her story. This is exactly that story, every little detail I could remember, the conversation, everything - created by her, put into writing by me. So don't try to correct me or say "oh, this is just so unrealistic," because I REALLY couldn't care less, I am just telling what she told me.
The curious thing is, that girl has visited my dreams every now and then since I was about 5 years old or so, but this was the first time I heard her story. Oh, and the Erza Scarlet thing is only because that was the best name I could give her, since she looks a bit like her. And of some point, she is the only reason I keep working on this and even everything else, to not let her down.
Chapter 8.1 - Sister dearest
"We were born as twins - She had scarlet red hair and a right "hollow" eye, opposing to my gray and left "hollow" eye. I guess we were opposites in other ways as well."
"I was the quiet kid, only talked when I was asked to. I didn't have friends and I didn't try to get any either, since I didn't want to be constantly picked. Major anger issues at first, though, which is a bad thing considering I had little to no power, only speed and acceleration - I couldn't do push-ups, kicking a ball accurately was out of the question and I couldn't even climb a rope. What I lacked in athletic ability, I reclaimed with my smarts - I was a natural in everything theoretical that had little to do with math, like languages and biology."
"She used to be alike me at first, but she had more kick in her soul and quickly made friends. At the end I don't think there was anyone she knew who didn't like her. Of course some commented on her looks, but they knew there was a sweet girl behind it. She was always in control of her emotions and a really fun girl to hang out with. Unlike me though, she wouldn't back away from a good fight."
"My guess is it was because she was a natural powerhouse - someone who you didn't want to mess with if she was mad. Though, like I said, because she was always in control of her emotions, that rarely happened. Not the brightest kid in the block, but she had her heart where it mattered."
"Our parents and relatives didn't like us at all. They just thought we were a couple of freaks who weren't supposed to exist. We ran away from home when we were about 12 or so and luckily a teacher helped us out by giving us her apartment to use. She didn't use it much, since she had a job in another city. We just had to be good students and help her out when she was there and we could stay. One of the luckiest breaks in our life, and not the only thing unrealistically unnatural. But I guess that's what you get when you're whole existence is unnatural."
"It didn't matter though, as we still had eachother. We were the two best friends who there ever was, none of that sibling rivalry bullshit for us. Always looking out for the other, be it me tutoring her or she fighting to help me, we used to be inseparable. We were so close we called eachother Erza and Gray, because of how her hair reminded us a girl with the same name from Fairy Tail. We were major anime nerds back then, even more than I am now."
"Our favourite was Devil May Cry, we used to be huge fans of it. We played the games during day and went out at night to kill "demons" at night, doing all kinds of missions and ran a business similar to the actual Devil May Cry. We even went as far as ordering ourselves a full set of Dante's and Vergil's weapons - Rebellion and Ivory for her, Yamato and Ebony for me. They weren't much, but they we're special for us."
"One day she got home from school, complaining about being tired and her body hurting all over. I didn't think of it as much, but as the days moved on, she became more tired and started eating less and less. I knew something was wrong when the vomiting began. I called an ambulance and they took her straight to the hospital."
"She was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, which had progressed so far it could already be called liver cancer. Of course it was uncurable, having been discovered so late. They gave her about a year, maybe two. The worst part is there were some symptoms like this a couple of years back, but then we thought it was just a flu and kept her in bed until it went away. We could've easily prevented it back then."
"In the beginning, I went from school straight to her, just to be there, every day. It was alright at first, we acted like things hadn't gone worse at all, still playing games all the time and acting like we were back in the apartment. It seemed enough to distract the both of us from the fact that she was far from alright."
"Then....her liver went for the worse. Every day her condition got worse and she couldn't even move around after a week. While she had enough energy to talk, we prayed each day that this one wouldn't be the last. Watching her just fade away like that, knowing I couldn't do anything else but stand by her, it drove me crazy. I was always angry whenever not around her. But I couldn't show it when I was around her."
"She finally passed away in the fall of 2009. I remember the day, and still have nightmares about it. I had brought her a white rose, a small tradition we enstablished when the situation got worse. We sat and talked for what seemed like an eternity."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(supposed to be a flashback)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know, I think it's going to happen soon," she sighed, looking out of the window. The weather that day was horrible. Rain, thunder, all that. A bad day to be outside.
"What do you..." I asked, quickly realising the meaning behind her words. "No, no, please. Don't ever talk about that in front of me. You know it's already driving me nuts even thinking about you...I can't even say it."
"I am serious. I don't feel like anything good can happen at this point. I hope it's not today though, with such lovely weather outside."
"Heh, yeah, I don't get why you like it though. Rain, yes, but thunder?" I say while shaking my head slowly.
"Just another mystery of life, I guess. Anyway, since I...might...go soon, I thought it would be the best to give you this," she says as she takes off her necklace and hands it to me. A small silver cross on a teardrop-shaped ruby, the chain being silver as well.
"But this is..." I try to resist, but she forces it into my hand.
"No, I want you to have it. A small thing to remember me and your childhood by," she says, with a weak smile covering her face. I take it and put it around my own neck, it's chain cutting a bit into my skin.
I take a quick look at the corner of the room, where my bag is. I brought Yamato with me today, quietly sitting in the corner. I had it engraved, just for her, saying 'Erza Scarlet and Gray Fullbuster, bound in blood until the end of time' in both English and Kanji.
I pull the sword out of the sheath and show it to her. "See, this is why I wasn't here that day."
She takes a look at it and is visibly moved. "For me...? Such a sweet thing of you to do. Promise me to never lose this sword, I want this to be an eternal reminder of us two."
I quickly take her hand and make a small cut on the ring finger. I run the bloody finger across the engravement, before doing the same with my own ring finger. "There. Now it's not just a plain message, but one actually confirmed by blood."
She gasps a bit as the cut is made, but soon settles down and tastes her blood. "It has a sweet taste, you know. Blood. At least mine does. Care to taste a bit?" she says, pointing her bloody finger at me.
I taste it carefully, not trying to hurt her. She's right, it does taste sweet. I take a sip of my own, realising it's bitter as hell. "Ah, nothing like yours, this blood."
"Mind if I...?" she asks, while already taking my finger. She immideatly retreats, with a face full of disgust. "I am sorry, but this is just...wrong. Why does yours taste like this?"
"I really don't know. Maybe it's the personalities? You always were a little angel, even when you were fighting..."
"And you were a sneaky little devil, always planning how to avoid people or who to hit first when you needed to run away. It could be that."
"Or something with blood sugar, you may never know." I say as we both laugh at our own stupidity. We sit in silence for a few minutes.
"I love you, you know," she says softly.
I take a quick look at her and run my hand through her hair. The scarlet red of her hair shines so sweetly with this light. "I know. You always have and you know it yourself, that it is a mutual feeling."
"I don't mean like that," she says, lowering her head. "I mean not as a brother, but as a person. You've really been there for me these past few months, when I needed it the most, and I couldn't be more grateful for it." She gives me a kiss on the cheek and hugs me tightly.
"Well, you know me. I can't stand around doing nothing when you're like this. It makes me feel like I am useless."
"Don't. You are definently not useless. Your future girlfriend will be lucky to have such a caring guy with him. If I wasn't your sister, I would've made you mine years ago."
"You really think so? You still have flattering down, even when you..." I say and recieve a slap on the cheek. Looking back at her, I notice tears running down her face.
"S-sometimes you can be such a jerk, t-though. C-can't you see! I don't w-want to go yet!" she basically screams at me. "I...I...I am scared....Gray....I don't want to die..."
I take her in my arms to calm her down. "I know, I am scared too," I say, as I feel my own tears pouring. "Just remember, until that happens, Erza Scarlet.
♪When despair tries to swallow you up, I will become the light that shines upon you." ♪
"Supercell, huh?" she says as she pulls herself away. "You always knew my favourites."
"You're my sister, I am supposed to know this." I say as I kiss her. "Don't worry, as long as I am here, I am not going to let anything happen to you."
I sit on the bed and get closer to her, so I could cuddle her. I close my eyes and realise this is one of the most peaceful moments we have ever had together. Even if it is in a hospital.
A nurse reminds me the closing hours are over. I raise myself from the bed and look at my sister, only to see her longing face looking at me. "Don't worry, I will be back before you know it," I say as I walk out of the room.
The walk back home seems to take forever. The rain pours down on me as I step along the sidewalk. I get to the apartement and hang my wet clothes in the bathroom. As I get undressed, I hear my phone go off. Wait, what's with the ringtone, it's not mine.
Oh, no. Is that...no,no,no,no,no, it can't be. I quickly get dressed again and run back to the hospital. I had set that specific ringtone in case something happened to her. It can't be, not like this, not today. Please be alright, please this be a false alarm or something like that.
I get to her room in a matter of minutes and I am panting heavily. When I step in through the door, I see two doctors leaned over her lifeless body, trying to get her heart to beat again.
I can't move a single muscle as I watch them work around her. Is this really how she goes? Her heart stopping, some idiots in white coats pointlessly taunting her body like that... I can't even think of it.
They announce the time of death and notice me standing in the doorway.
"We are sorry, there was nothing we could do. Her heart went into..." The doctors' voices fade as I look at her again. So, this it. I am alone in this world. The only other being in this world that knew how I feel and think, gone. I feel something pushed in my chest.
"Oh, you left this in here, when you left. She must mean a lot to you, so I am going to leave you two alone," one of the doctors says as he walks out of the room. I look down and see that it's a sheated sword. Yamato. Heh, at least I have him with me. As I pull it out and run my fingers across the engraving, I feel something unusual, like some energy running out of it.
For a while, I just stare into emptiness, before realising where I am. I slowly walk towards her bed and sit down in the chair next to it. For cardiac arrest, her face seems calm, almost as if she was expecting it. Her red hair still shining in the fluoerescent light, soft as a cloud. I run a hand through it as I feel tears running down my face.
A voice can be heard from the other side of the room. "Son, we need to move her now." I look at the man, blinking my eyes. How long have I been like this? I look outside the window and see that it's morning already. I lever myself from the seat and slowly back away from her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=supposed to be a flashback)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"After her death, I turned cold, even colder than I used to be before. The first week I only sat in the apartment, crying my heart out. I only left it if I ran out of food. After that, I don't know, I felt so bad I couldn't actually feel a thing. No sadness, no anger, no dissapointement, no nothing. I started hating the people around me and created myself this 'other side', that was supposed to hide all of these feelings and be perfect in general."
"My sister's funeral was a small one, with only me, our parents and some of the closer friends she had. Since I was the closest to her, I talked about her. How she was always a fun loving girl, always sweet and caring, never picked a fight without a reason, and mostly, how she used to always protect me.
"As they prepared to lay down her casket, I put her weapons next to her - Ivory on her chest and the huge Rebellion on her left side. They lowered the casket into the grave and as they threw the dirt in there, I looked at the gravestone. It had both of our names and all the dates on it, expect for my death. Under it was a small epitath."
"So everything that makes me whole, I offer it all to you."
"I failed to keep her promise though. Sometime between the funeral and my departure, the apartment was broken in to and everything valuable was stolen, inlcuding Yamato. I guess it was one of the reasons I ran away from that world, I had nothing left of her."
So he can cook, he had to look after his little sister, whom he tragically lost...
But I found the first character flaw:
"Learn to take a bloody hint, Nakai."
Anger management issues... Wait, for some people being rough and tough is not a flaw either... Damn...
"Yeah, I used to call my sister that, because of her hair."
You know, inserting Anime references can be tricky: Katawa Shoujo is set in 2007. That means his sister died in 2004. He wouldn't have known about any Erza Scarlet back then. The Manga was first released in 2006 and the Anime in 2009.
"I am sorry, it's just that...I have read a lot of books and...I don't think I have heard or read a sadder story in my life than yours."
Poor boy. He's overcome so many hardships, and he's still perfect.
She gives me a kiss as she pushes me on the bed and falls on top of me. "Do you really think that we would work together?" Ah, she read me too well.
WHAT? Where did that come from? Who's that girl and what has she done with Lilly? I mean, yes, Lilly does have a "healthy adolescent sex-drive" but being all up in tear one moment and throwing herself on a boy she's known for all of a week in the next is a bit... no very out of character.
As he gasps for air, I notice there is a gun in my left hand. How did that get over here?
Very good question. Where the heck did he get a gun in Japan? It's not something you can buy at the next 7/11. (And that goes for most other countries except for the US as well.)
"So, I guess...you're really upset about your sister," she says quietly, afraid to spark something.
Uh... She just witnessed him threatening a classmate with a GUN. The guy who just arrived at the school a week ago is prone to sudden fits of anger and has a gun. If I were Lilly, I would be backing away very slowly right about this time.
"Yes, when I woke up, she told me I had practically beaten a guy to death. The guys friends were so scared they dropped all charges...
So he beat up a couple of rowdys alone with a broken arm. Who ist that guy? Bruce Banner?
So don't try to correct me or say "oh, this is just so unrealistic," because I REALLY couldn't care less
Okay. No comments on the second chapter. Would probably break the size limit for posts on this forum anyway...
Mirage_GSM wrote:So he can cook, he had to look after his little sister, whom he tragically lost...
Tell me again how ramen noodles are hard to cook? It's a basic meal that a student with a low budget should definently know.
Also, not little sister, twin sister, and they looked after eachother.
Mirage_GSM wrote:But I found the first character flaw:
"Learn to take a bloody hint, Nakai."
Anger management issues... Wait, for some people being rough and tough is not a flaw either... Damn...
Well done. Here's a cookie. Raisin, not chocolate chip.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
"Yeah, I used to call my sister that, because of her hair."
You know, inserting Anime references can be tricky: Katawa Shoujo is set in 2007. That means his sister died in 2004. He wouldn't have known about any Erza Scarlet back then. The Manga was first released in 2006 and the Anime in 2009.
Yeah, I noticed it too late. But, as you can somewhat tell, I had planned the events in 2012, since it was one of the two original choices. I don't know, it seemed much more logical to me at least than 2007. I can't tell you why though, it just did.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
She gives me a kiss as she pushes me on the bed and falls on top of me. "Do you really think that we would work together?" Ah, she read me too well.
WHAT? Where did that come from? Who's that girl and what has she done with Lilly? I mean, yes, Lilly does have a "healthy adolescent sex-drive" but being all up in tear one moment and throwing herself on a boy she's known for all of a week in the next is a bit... no very out of character.
It's not throwing herself on the boy, and be honest, if he hadn't lead her in like that, the scene wouldn't have happened. It's called using the moment to your own advantage. This leads to one more character flaw in the future, a major one at that. And the 'knowing for one week thing' situation is down there somewhere. Not here, down there.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
As he gasps for air, I notice there is a gun in my left hand. How did that get over here?
Very good question. Where the heck did he get a gun in Japan? It's not something you can buy at the next 7/11. (And that goes for most other countries except for the US as well.)
Ok, yes, I was afraid you would point this out. So here's a little backstory on those.
The weapons seem real, but the have been fitted with 7 different metal stoppers to prevent from being fired. 3 in the barrel, 2 in the firing mechanism (trigger area), 2 in the clip area and the last in the ejection port, all in the name of being usable in cosplay conventions. They can be removed of course, but any company that would do this would ask a price as high as the guns themselves or even higher and it's quite tricky to remove them safely yourself so most people don't bother with it.
In that state where the guns are unusable for their intended purpose (firing), their price drops and they become just another toy, although really well-detailed. That explains how they can be bought from a small store that sells toys and books
Mirage_GSM wrote:
"So, I guess...you're really upset about your sister," she says quietly, afraid to spark something.
Uh... She just witnessed him threatening a classmate with a GUN. The guy who just arrived at the school a week ago is prone to sudden fits of anger and has a gun. If I were Lilly, I would be backing away very slowly right about this time.
Three weeks. Read the prolouge and first chapter again. It's June 18th in that last chapter. Meaning, a week after the festival, and the guy arrived a week before Hisao, who himself arrived a week before the festival.
Also, the reason why Lilly didn't run away comes in either Act 2 or start of Act 3.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
"Yes, when I woke up, she told me I had practically beaten a guy to death. The guys friends were so scared they dropped all charges...
So he beat up a couple of rowdys alone with a broken arm. Who is that guy? Bruce Banner?
No, not alone. Did you even read that part properly? It said:
The last time the dark side appeared it took a straight punch from my sister to calm me down."
That alone says he wasn't alone, he was with his sister that fight. And he beat ONE guy. The sister took care of the rest AND of him.
As for the power part - a simple equation: a Russian or an Estonian with anger management issues + some vodka + a reason to get him pissed off = a beatdown (a real life comparison) Besides, it isn't hard to beat up a twelve year old that has backup, when you are twelve yourself and have your own backup, even if you are weak. (Ok, that age was taken out of the blue, it was the first one I thought of that would fit the timeline.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
So don't try to correct me or say "oh, this is just so unrealistic," because I REALLY couldn't care less
Okay. No comments on the second chapter. Would probably break the size limit for posts on this forum anyway...
Good. Let's keep it that way, shall we? Less problems to think about for the both of us . Tell me, what IS the post size limit anyway? I am curious.
Mirage_GSM wrote:So he can cook, he had to look after his little sister, whom he tragically lost...
Tell me again how ramen noodles are hard to cook? It's a basic meal that a student with a low budget should definently know.
Well, Hisao seemed to be impressed:
"Wow, looks like you got some experience in this as well..."
It's not throwing herself on the boy,...
Really? I must have misread this part then:
She gives me a kiss as she pushes me on the bed and falls on top of me.
The weapons seem real, but the have been fitted with 7 different ...
The way the scene is written it seems your OC himself thinks they are real. If you want to intimidate someone consciously you could use a toy gun to scare them. If you are enraged like your OC in this scene and are seriously on the verge of hurting someone, why would you take out a toy gun?
Three weeks. Read the prolouge and first chapter again. It's June 18th in that last chapter. Meaning, a week after the festival, and the guy arrived a week before Hisao, who himself arrived a week before the festival.
My mistake. Three weeks then. Doesn't change my point much.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
"Yes, when I woke up, she told me I had practically beaten a guy to death. The guys friends were so scared they dropped all charges...
So he beat up a couple of rowdys alone with a broken arm. Who is that guy? Bruce Banner?
No, not alone. Did you even read that part properly? It said:
The last time the dark side appeared it took a straight punch from my sister to calm me down."
That alone says he wasn't alone, he was with his sister that fight. And he beat ONE guy. The sister took care of the rest AND of him.
I quote the relevant passage:
Yes, when I woke up, she told me I had practically beaten a guy to death. The guys friends were so scared they dropped all charges... They had broken my left arm and I guess the pain from that was the catalyst.
Nowhere is it implied that his sister took any action in that fight except stopping him from killing one of the attackers.
However it IS implied that the attacker was not alone and all of his friends were scared of HIM afterwards - not of his sister.
And even if he beat only one of them to a pulp and the others simply sttod by and watched in horror, he still would have done it after he had one of his arms broken. If he was twelve years old... Well, have you ever seen a twelve year old react to a broken limb?
Tell me, what IS the post size limit anyway? I am curious.
Oh, it's quite a lot. That last part was supposed to be sarcasm. Sorry if it didn't come across that way.
Good. Let's keep it that way, shall we?
I will offer neither advice nor criticism to someone who is not interested. If you don't want me to, I'll refrain from commenting on your story from now on.
. Tell me, what IS the post size limit anyway? I am curious.