Summer's Thirst
It's cold, and it's dark. Part of me knows that I'm asleep, but even that isn't enough to wake me up. My heart begins to beat faster and faster as I try to suck in a labored breath, this dream again.
I don't want to do this anymore, why do I keep coming back here? I can't move, I--I can't even open my mouth to make a noise, please, I...
Please, not yet. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be lost in this crushing darkness, I want to wake up. I want to go home, I want to suffer through one of Mutou's lectures and complain about the cafeteria food and try to stay awake as I time Miki's laps for her.
Miki. If she was here, she would... she would...
Suddenly, I feel a source of warmth. Something is touching me, something is shaking me. I hear a voice calling from somewhere that feels far away.
The darkness retreats, the cold withdraws. I feel as if a physical weight is being lifted from my chest and almost gasp for air as I'm pulled out of my dream. I open my eyes. Open them to see a girl, lying on her side next to me in the bed, staring back with both concern and determination. Dark but bright eyes, brown skin, long hair that's splayed everywhere. And that look, I know it.
It's the one that she wears, that she wore, back when she was fighting crime in my dreams instead of digging me out from six feet under.
It's the look a hero wears, when she knows that she's going to save someone.
Miki.
I can't think of anything to say, and that's okay. The girl lying next to me scoots closer, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her. I suddenly notice that I'm covered in a cold sweat.
“You weren't kidding about the nightmares.” She says softly, holding me close. I rest my head against her collar, sinking into her embrace.
Miki got here yesterday, she showed up on my porch, told me I looked like shit, and then pulled me into a long, tight hug. She spent most of the day catching up with my parents before they took us out to dinner, it was fun, it was great. And then when it got late she ignored my halfhearted attempts to put her in the guest room and crawled into bed with me and I'm, I'm really grateful. She was here to catch me, in a different way than usual. She was here to pull me up.
“Hi.” I say shakily, the thumping in my chest beginning to slow.
“Hey.” She coos, stroking my back with her good hand. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“Sorry.” I sniffle. Here I am, a mess again. I'm such a wreck, and I'm tired of it. Well, I'm tired of a lot of things, I'm tired in general. Generally tired. But I don't want to wake up like this anymore, I want to go back to school, to doing doing stupid, silly things, I--
“It's okay.” Miki replies. Her tone grows firm. “Next time, call me sooner, Suzu.”
I nod, but... but...
...next time. I don't want there to be a next time. I don't want there to be a time after that either, if this keeps up I, I won't be able to look my best friend in the eyes anymore. I will have lied, when I told Hisao he didn't need to treat me like a child.
Despair momentarily washes over me. I guess I knew this would happen, I knew things would get hard when I went home, when I would be separated from my friends. But I don't want to be an absolute mess like this, I want things to return to normal. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet again.
But for that to happen, something has to change. And now that Miki is here, I think I might be able to do it.
I know that she's probably been sleeping in every chance she gets during the break so far, and I might have a better shot at having normal dreams with her next to me, but I... I want to get up. I want to...
“Can we go shopping?” I mumble, knowing how out of place it sounds. Miki pulls her head away to stare at me inquisitively, but then a slow smile spreads across her face. She knows that I need to get out of this house, that I, I need to do something normal. Something boring, I just want to waste some time with my friends. With my best friend.
“Sure.” She says. “What do you want to look for?”
“Um.” Well, we don't really need to shop for something specific, but there is...
I smile back, Miki's warmth has driven away the last remnants of my dream. “I need a new swimsuit.”
Miki's expression brightens. “Oh?”
“Yup.” I nod, I'm grinning now. I want to feel better. I want to do normal, everyday things, I want to feel like a normal, everyday person again, or at least be able to pretend. A sleepy one, with bruises, but even then. I want to be fine, or, failing that, as close to it as I've ever been.
I want to see the ocean.
The next thing I know, we're staggering out of bed and pretending to fight eachother for who gets to take a shower first. Miki offers to compromise and take one together, but I'm pretty sure she's just joking. Yeah, pretty sure. After that we're rooting around my kitchen, hunting for something simple to eat for breakfast, and then I'm here, riding in the back of a cab with Miki, watching the tall city buildings go by.
The surroundings make my back begin to tense up, but this time I'm headed to a familiar shopping center, not some unknown future. And I'm not on my own either, I've got Miki right here. Before I even think to ask, her hand is holding mine, she's giving me a reassuring smile.
When we reach our destination, we climb out and onto... onto the curb, I can't help but take a little too long of a look at the concrete at our feet.
“Come on, come on!” Miki is grinning from ear to ear. She quickly pays the driver and then gives me a gentle shove towards the shopping area.
I glance around, slowly taking in my surroundings. Suddenly, I'm not sure if this was such a good idea, the ground is hard, and... and my house is really soft, and--
Miki nudges me with her shoulder. I turn towards her, she almost looks a little down. A little melancholy.
“I know things are tough, Suzu.” She says with a gentle smile. She takes my hand in hers again. “I know life is gonna get weird once we get closer to graduation.”
“But just be a kid with me today, okay?” She gives my hand a squeeze, looking at me searchingly.
Miki, are you...
I look from her to the rows and rows of small shops and the larger complex waiting beyond. I turn to stare back at the street behind us, cars zip by on hard, hard concrete.
I've been here before, I came with my family a lot in the past, when I was younger. My mom and my dad and...
But that hasn't been for a long while, even before last year. Junior high and then the move to Yamaku were both pretty busy times for me, so the memories of the place in front of me sting nowhere near as bad as the city at our backs.
It feels like too long since me and Miki did something together, just the two of us. I guess with exams and then my insomnia and just everything else, there hasn't been a chance. I've missed this, I've missed just hanging around, just doing stupid, normal things with her.
The thought that one day we might not get the chance to spend any more drowsy mornings or peaceful evenings at the track together hits me like a brick. I look back at Miki, is she thinking the same thing?
Miki...
Are you scared of graduating too?
I don't know if she would admit it, even if she was. She still tries to tell me that I don't have to be there for her, when her phantom pains kick in or even just when she's down. But she lets me stay by her side even then. She leans on me or wraps an arm around my shoulder, taking refuge instead of offering it for once. And even if I didn't want to make up for all the times she's helped me, I would still do it, because that's what friends are for. And Miki is the best friend I've ever had.
She's always been the type to take things as they come, to just enjoy life day by day. But... but what if our days are numbered? If my days are...
I think back to my dream, the night of the college seminar. I remember the cold panic that crept into my throat as I stared at the career survey, back at Yamaku. The future isn't a blank canvas to me, it's an empty void, it's just a crushing dark.
But what if I could be like Miki?
What if I could just live life, one day at a time? Something... something could happen. Something could take me away, the future could come and go in the form of one bad, unlucky fall. Then it could be my turn. Then I could be next. But...
...Miki is waving her hand back and forth in front of my face. Her mouth is open, telling me to come back to reality before I pass out and she has to carry me around the plaza. Hold on Miki, almost done.
But until then. Until my time is up, I want to enjoy this. I want to make the most of the days I have, I want to be with my friends, to be with Miki and, and Hisao, not lie awake at night and be so tired that it feels like my head is collapsing in on itself. I don't want to cry anymore.
And I don't want Miki to graduate all by herself.
She's watching me now, her arms folded across her chest. Sorry, Miki, just a little bit longer. Thanks for... thanks for being patient. And for coming here with me, for coming to my house at all. Thanks for a lot of things.
Miki. Let's enjoy the time we have together. Let's spend the day, just the two of us, doing stupid, normal things. Let's be teenage girls, instead of a narcoleptic with nightmares and an amputee with a hand that sometimes forgets it's gone.
I shake my head back and forth, right, that's right. We have things to do.
“Are you done spacing out?” Miki asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Yup.” I nod, trying to fight off a sudden wave of fatigue that threatens to carry me away and downward. No, forget that, I'm... I'm not falling asleep. I'm not going to be a zombie today we... have plans.
I give Miki a bright smile, hoping that it's the first of many, and she returns it. She looks relieved, really relieved. Without another word, we link arms, and then we're off.
“So what's it look like?”
“It's... I don't know what you call it.” I mumble, blushing a little. Describing my swimsuit to my boyfriend over the phone isn't something I was expecting to have to do today.
“It's this navy-blue color... what do they call it when it's all in one piece?”
“A one-piece.” Hisao says flatly. Right, right, I knew that.
I glance at the shopping bag resting on the table in front of me. We had stopped to grab some food, Miki is waiting in line to get us noodles. We always have to weigh the difficulty of her carrying things with one hand versus the possible disaster that could come from me passing out on the way to the table, so she's the one ordering. I already fell asleep during part of the cab ride here and in the changing room, so it's probably best not to push our luck.
“Does it look cute?” Hisao asks. I bite my lip.
“I guess. I mean, Miki says it does.” She would know more than me. I just wanted something simple and, well, modest. Of course, she had gone with something flashier, a skimpy black bikini that's sure to attract more attention than the bandages wrapped around her wrist.
“You can tell me yourself, when you see it.”
“Oh, I get to see it?” Hisao sounds... he sounds maybe a little too interested. Er.
“Of course!” I smile, still blushing. “You're coming to the beach with us.”
“I was not informed.” He pretends to gripe.
“That's what I'm doing. I'm, I'm informing you. I'm your informant.”
He laughs. “You mean this wasn't just a pleasure call?”
No. Well, yes, I wanted to talk to him, of course. I kind of wanted to show him that I'm feeling better, that I'm doing all right. That he can worry a little bit less, now.
“Swimsuits are serious business.” I play along, sounding annoyed.
“I agree wholeheartedly.” He says blankly. “Give me more details so I can picture you in it.”
“That's weird!” I laugh, but I'm blushing again.
He laughs too. “Would you rather I picture you out of it?”
“N-no, I...” My face is growing hot, I stare down at the table. “I mean, I don't...”
“Hey hey, I'm kidding.” Hisao says gently. Miki finally has our noodles, she's headed this way, looking irritated by the delay. I can't meet her gaze, this is, geez.
Now I'm remembering the night we spent together, before parting ways for summer break. That was before this newest mess, before my dreams started getting bad again. It's not that I don't want to do that again, I mean... I would really...
...and talking like this, even if it's embarrassing, it's still better than our last few nightly conversations. It's better than feeling helpless and alone, if we, if we can talk about stuff like this, then I guess I really do feel okay.
It's been too long since I've seen him. Too long since I've felt his arms around me, felt his body next to mine. I miss the smell of his skin, I miss good morning kisses and goodnight kisses, and I...
“I miss you.” I mumble into the speaker, hoping the approaching Miki doesn't notice the red in my cheeks.
“Hm? I miss you too.” He replies, sounding a little confused. Um... what I mean is...
“Lunch is served!” Miki carries one bowl with her good hand, the other precariously wedged in the crook of her elbow. With what can only be described as extreme caution, she sets both down on the table, then sits across from me and pushes one bowl in my direction.
“I gotta go.” I steal a glance at my best friend before focusing on the food in front of me. “Duty calls. Noodle eating duty.”
“Noodles are serious business too.” He says, but his voice is a little unsteady. Maybe... maybe he gets what I meant. What did I mean? I'm not... not entirely sure.
“I'll talk to you later?” He asks. I nod. Wait, he can't see that.
“Okay.” In front of me, Miki has already commenced with eating, managing to slurp down her noodles and study me incredulously at the same time. I instantly begin to feel uncomfortable.
“Looking forward to it.” He says. What... what does that mean? I don't--
But he says goodbye and then hangs up before I can think about thinking about asking him. Miki is still watching me as I put my phone away.
“I risked my life for those, you know.” She points towards my noodles.
I wonder if that makes it taste better? Or would it be all in my head? Like the what's it called, the placebo effect. The Mikebo effect. Fascinating. And deserving of further study, in this case, a taste test.
“Right.” I say, nodding at someone who can actually see me this time.
“Why are you blushing?” Miki asks, a sly look beginning to cross her face.
“N-no reason.” I reach for my bowl--actually. I carefully nudge it until it's just out of faceplant range, in case of an unexpected nap, and then pick up the pair of chopsticks that Miki had deposited on the table. She watches me for only a moment before understanding dawns, and then smiles fondly.
“Then let's eat.” She says, going back to her slurping. I decide to ignore the fact that she started ahead of me.
“Uuurgh.” I groan as we trudge through the door of my house. We may have gone shopping for a little more than just swimsuits, it's past dark now. Our day out had taken us to dozens of different shops, new and interesting ones, weird and old-fashioned ones. I had managed to go the entire day without my condition making me knock anything over, which is always encouraging. I feel good, I'm really glad we decided to go out. But I'm also exhausted.
“You wouldn't be so worn out if you went running with me in the evenings.” Miki says, even though she looks pretty tired too.
“You think you're so funny, don't you.” I mutter. She knows that for me, the track is a place to either sit down, take a nap, or do both at the same time. We remove our shoes and walk through the entrance hall. The summer heat has prompted my parents to open every window in the house, even as the night goes on.
Dinner comes in the form of take-out that sits on the dining room table, as if awaiting our arrival. We spend the next few hours recovering from our day out, mostly just lounging around on various pieces of overly soft furniture and complaining about the heat, but even that is kind of nice. The night ebbs and flows onward, until Miki is in the shower, intent on taking a bath after that, and I'm... I'm...
“Hi.” I'm lying in my bed, dressed in my sleeping clothes, a simple white tank top and a pair of thin shorts. I wish they were thinner, it's so hot in my room, my blankets are pushed off to one side in a crumpled mound.
“Hey.” Hisao replies. It's the first we've spoken since our call earlier.
Neither of us say anything for a few long, tense moments. I should... I should start a conversation or something, I--
“Did you have fun?” He asks, ohh, whew. That works.
“Yeah!” I'm happy both to have something to talk about and to remember the things me and Miki did today.
We chat back and forth for a bit, he's glad to hear that I'm getting out of the house. It's clear to him that I'm feeling a lot better with Miki here and, and I know that makes him feel better too. And I'm glad. I feel good, and when he says that he'll be able to come over the day before Miki needs to head home, I feel even better. We'll be able to go to the ocean, all three of us, and then that will be the last week of summer vacation. I won't... I won't have to spend any more nights here alone.
Maybe I won't have any more nightmares. And then it's back to school, and... even though that has a set of problems in store for us as well, I'm still looking forward to it. I can't wait to get back to the dorms, to hear what the others have been up to, maybe see if anyone is sporting a wicked tan. Or a nasty sunburn. Now that you mention it, there's a second-year girl who looks like an albino, I wonder if she just lives in a bubble during the summer? Or is that... is that a completely different condition?
“Are you still there?” Hisao asks, bursting my own bubble of a sort. I apologize for spacing out but he says it's fine, that's another thing that I'm sure he's used to by now.
Hisao pauses for long moment. “Where's Miki at right now?” He finally asks.
Huh? “She's taking a shower, why?”
“Well... about earlier.”
I squirm in the bed, pressing my knees together on instinct. “Y-yeah...”
He laughs awkwardly. “I thought it almost sounded like you--”
“I want that back.” I blurt, embarrassed but suddenly feeling emotional.
Another pause. “You want...?”
“When we... when we were together...” I don't think I can explain it, I just...
Knowing that he cares about me enough to do something like that with me. Knowing that he wants to be with me, he wants to make me feel good. The way I couldn't focus or care about anything else in the world, all that mattered was the two of us. That simple clarity and... and that simple pleasure.
“Hisao, I...” I'm feeling better, Hisao. Look, I'm, I'm not crying or hurting or lying, I'm just... I'm just...
My face is completely red. I'm suddenly grateful for my best friend's habit of taking long showers.
“It's hot in here.” I mumble, hoping that... that he gets the message.
I don't know if he does. But when he speaks up again, he sounds nervous. But not unhappy.
“Yeah, it's like that here too. I think I'm going to die if I don't lose this shirt.”
“Well don't die.” I almost whisper, oh god. Are we... I don't know how this...
“Okay.” He says softly. I hear the rustling of fabric, now I'm imagining his chest, his scar. Remembering tracing my fingers over it, pressing my lips to it.
I... I remember the way he planted kisses all over me, the way he gently caressed my scars and bruises. The places his lips went after that, and his surprisingly skilled fingers...
“W-wait.” I'm not quite sure what I'm interrupting, but something occurs to me.
“What is it?”
“You're calling from your cell phone tonight, right?” The thought of another unexpected parental encounter makes my stomach churn, especially now that we're, um, actually talking about things like that this time. I think.
Hisao chuckles weakly. “I am, don't worry.”
“Good.” I begin to relax, even though I still feel so embarrassed. Where was I? Right, I was... I was remembering the way Hisao ran his hands up and down my body, how he, ha, how he almost wasn't able to remove my bra without my help. That was...
“Suzu.” His tone is low, deep and throaty. It reminds me of the feeling of his body on top of mine, his hands gently touching, kneading my chest. Lying on my bed, I'm starting to feel so hot, the growing intensity of the moment combined with the summer heat is making me sweat. My free hand begins roaming over my stomach, the touch is nowhere near the feeling of his but, but it still feels good, and...
Working from memory and hazy imagination, I slide my hand under my tank top. Grasping one breast, I begin stroking and kneading, tweaking the sensitive nipple between two fingers, all the while wishing it was him doing it instead of me.
“Hisao.” I moan, clenching my eyes shut tightly. I can make out his heavy breathing now, I think back to his panting and gasping in my ear that night, driving me wild as our bodies moved in unison. Now trembling slightly, I wedge my phone into place with my shoulder, my free hand... my free hand travels downward, disappearing into my sleep shorts.
My fingers reach their destination, now already wet from the memories that I cling to and from Hisao's deep, regular breathing over the phone. He lets out a long, husky sigh and I whimper.
“Hisao...”
“I'm here.” He breathes.
“No you're not.” I groan, still working my chest with one hand while I begin to use the other to run up and down the fabric of my panties. The feeling sends small shocks of pleasure through my body, I twitch and gasp impulsively.
“I know.” He replies, his breathing beginning to pick up.
“I want you here.” I keep my eyes clamped shut, beginning to rock my lower body back and forth. My face is on fire it's, it's so hot in here and, and Hisao...
His response is a repressed moan, the sound is too much for me to take. I slip one finger under the moist fabric between my legs, exhaling heavily as I plunge inside. Picking up a steady rhythm of moving in and out, I continue to squeeze and knead my breast with my free hand while mewling into the phone with every thrust, my whole body is moving and trembling now. Hisao's breathing grows even faster.
“Suzu...” He pants. I add another finger, desperately trying to relive that night, when we were together and on the same page and everything felt all right, everything was okay. My head feels so hot, so light now, I can barely think, lost in this moment and the ones that we spent each in eachother's arms.
“Hisao.” Every inch of me is burning for his touch, my own breathing is ragged and fast, my heart is pounding. I miss him, I want him back, I want to be with him. These thoughts keep rebounding through my heavy head as I roll onto my side, hand still moving back and forth between my legs with quickening speed. “Hisao, I love you.”
The sounds of his breathing stop. When he replies, I can almost see the big, stupid smile plastered on his face. “I love you too.” He says quietly, gently.
I let out a whimper as the weight of his words ignites a new warmth, this one somewhere deep in my chest. “Say it again.” I plead, lost in passion and desire, gasping for breath as my thrusts begin to grow even faster. I feel like my body is burning up now, both inside and from the hot summer air.
“I love you.” Hisao says, his tone both sincere and low, the words driving me closer to the edge. “I love you, Suzu.”
“Hisao...!” I moan. I buck my hips back and forth in time with the moving of my fingers, getting closer and closer to regaining that feeling of being as near to him as possible. I... I think I'm almost...
Hisao grunts, his heavy breaths reaching a head and I let out a series of shuddering gasps as release finally comes, my body trembles as waves of pleasure flow through me. I finally collapse onto my back, panting for breath as their grip begins to fade.
In my ear, Hisao's breathing slowly returns to normal, he sighs. Withdrawing my hand, I don't know whether to laugh in pure, blissful relief or groan in embarrassment, I end up doing a bit of both. Hisao is laughing with me, I...
I'm so glad. I'm so glad.
This is what I should be doing, right? Not struggling to open up to him about some new nightmare, not making half-promises that I'll hold in there.
This is what I want. I feel good, relieved, and so incredibly drained. After a minute or two I'm able to calm down all the way, my chest slowly rising and falling.
“I have no idea what to say.” Hisao croaks, sounding as wiped out as me. I let out a tired laugh.
“Yeah.” I reply, taking the phone back with my... with my clean hand. Erm. I should--
Suddenly, there's a knock on my door, my heart leaps into my throat. “Suzu?” A familiar voice calls.
“I'lltalktoyoulatergoodnightHisao.” I instantly hang up, grabbing the nearest blanket and throwing it over me just as the door swings open. Luckily I'm, I'm still fully clothed, but I'm all sweaty and red and...
“You okay?” Miki cocks her head to one side, wearing nothing but a towel. Her long hair cascades down her back, still in the process of drying.
I should have grabbed a thinner blanket, uurgh. I think I'm dying from the heat, but I can't remove it now. “J-just fine.” I mumble. “What's up?”
“Just wanted to let you know that the water's still warm, if you plan on taking a bath tonight.” Miki says. She begins walking over to her bag to retrieve her sleeping clothes, but I sit up.
“Th-that's okay! I'm good. You can drain it if you want.”
“Hmm?” Miki stops. Maybe she's just tired, or maybe she was in there for a little too long, I don't know. But she doesn't look suspicious, she just shrugs and heads back into the hall. I let out a sigh of relief, sagging back down in the bed.
I just... I mean, we... that was...
Even thinking about it now makes me go red again, but I can't stop an embarrassed smile from spreading across my face. I know I've only bought myself a few precious minutes at best though, so, fighting the fatigue that weighs down my limbs as if they were made of stone, I roll out of the bed. I... I need to clean up. I guess.
Still blushing, I replace the sheet, just in time as Miki returns. I mutter something about changing my mind but end up only taking a shower, baths can be dangerous with my condition and all. When I'm finally done, I put on some clean clothes, trudge back to my room with shaky steps, and collapse into my bed. I barely have time to cuddle up next to Miki before my head quite simply begins to turn off.
But I'm sure... no, I'm pretty sure. I almost know for certain that wherever I go, it won't be dark. It won't be cold. Not with Miki lying next to me, not with Hisao still caring about me, even as far away as he is. He's going to be here before long, and then we're going to the beach and, and then we're going back to school, the three of us.
I'm not alone.
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