Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Beoran]

@Auratus, yes, ask her how to stay in touch. And also, be honest to her. Don't idealize her. Just tell her that you like her, and see if she responds in kind. If she has a BF, then move on. It's nice to have a friend, but what you want is love, so go for that goal. I hope all will turn out for the best.

Keneshiro: you should think why you lost motivation. If it's just because you were having fun playing then it means that you merely got distracted. There might be adeeper reason, though, and it's important you find it, so you can start again with more motivation.

Xanatos: sorry to hear you couldn't get a job yet. So send out another 100 letters or e-mails. And/or get some education. It's hard work to find a job these days!

[Xiious]

Small update.

Just got out of the hospital, the worst has past. Still coughing, but it's not as bad now as it was a few days ago.

Just letting you all know I'm still alive and kickin'. Ain't dieing yet.

[Xanatos]

Xanatos: sorry to hear you couldn't get a job yet. So send out another 100 letters or e-mails. And/or get some education. It's hard work to find a job these days!

It's not so much the finding of jobs but that this place doesn't have many to find. What it does have a few of are nothing minimum-wage jobs...Which I'd be fine with just for starters but I don't seem to be having luck there either, most of them being snatched by others. This place is too small and with too few things in it to offer a whole lot of opportunity on any level. But the search continues and in the meantime, I'm getting money from a few online things. It's far from decent cash but it's something while the job search continues. There was one nice-paying ($30 an hour) but it requires knowledge of things I don't know.

I spent too many years after high school depressed and unmotivated (I'm 21 and I've literally had no jobs at all) but it's recently dawning on me how my life will go if I can't do something with it soon. I'll either live a crummy lifespan and die miserable or off myself. The former is being optimistic. So a job I need...But this is a really shitty town for that, even with low standards for wages. Lexington's an urban area so it's got a lot more job potential plus a college, so most of what I have to do now is struggle to keep out of depression until the lease on this place dies next year...And hope our finances can stabilize well enough to permit the move.

Ironically, quite a few of my old teachers noted my depression back then and questioned it but I didn't have any answers. I knew I was depressed but couldn't figure out exactly why...I had answers but they weren't satisfactory, not for me. It took KS to bring up detailed reasons. Which brought more depression because I'm currently in a pretty crummy position to fix any of it. Nowadays, I seem to fluctuate between suicidally-depressive and a murky sort of frustrated apathy. I'm only ever really content when I'm emotionally drained, which usually comes after dangerous bouts of depression or some particularly potent feels.

At any rate, back to the academics, I'm considering going into computer science as far as courses. A guy I know in Boston has a Bachelor's in that and Mathematics. From his take on it, sounds like something I could enjoy. Plus he gets free snacks at his new job, and I like snacks.

Physically, my health is becoming an increasing burden on my mood and general comfort but the heat looks like it might cool off enough soon to permit an attempt at that Couch to 5k.

More on the mental side of things, I've decided I need some therapy. Father seems to know where and how to get that so I'm leaving the arrangements to him.

[Kutagh]

Xanatos, if you're going to do computer science, you might want to start with Web programming and or design, so you could use that to make money online...


Xiious, glad to hear you're still alive..... (insert still alive song from portal)

[Xanatos]

Xanatos, if you're going to do computer science, you might want to start with Web programming and or design, so you could use that to make money online...


Xiious, glad to hear you're still alive..... (insert still alive song from portal)

Father's into design and such...Or he was, at some point. It's largely become just a hobby. Good advice though...I've always found it tedious when I tried to learn but it wasn't ever really working towards any objective then, just sort of dabbling. The interest is there, I just have to have a goal to spur it on.

And Xiious, you are not allowed to die. When I die, my ex (it was long-distance) has given me permission to haunt her toaster. You will become the first ever toasted ghost.

[arsde]

Xanatos I know how hard it can be to find jobs nowadays, I've been searching for a few months and they all want people with experience it's really frustrating. But I have kind of decided that I will stop searching and use this freetime to improve myself.

I've started working out 3 weeks ago and since I have nothing to do everyday there is no excuse to NOT hit the gym, I also try to eat a bit healthier. I guess I'm kinda lucky because I don't feel any surge for candy, snacks or anything if it's not right in front of me so I might just eat it 1-2 a month.
If you wanna take care of your physical health just remember that a gym is by the far best if you can afford it, just running will give you a healthy heart but some people might like seeing some results in strength and looks. Weight lifting is also great for your bones joints as running put a lot of pressure on your knee joints.
Diet is also really important if you want to really feel a mood change.

I'm also thinking on going for computer science since I have my dreams to chase (I want to work in research level with artifical intelligence, robotics and maybe quant computers in the future). Just be sure that it interest you and that you have some dream you want to accomplish with your work or it might be hard to graduate.

[Xanatos]

Xanatos I know how hard it can be to find jobs nowadays, I've been searching for a few months and they all want people with experience it's really frustrating. But I have kind of decided that I will stop searching and use this freetime to improve myself.

I've started working out 3 weeks ago and since I have nothing to do everyday there is no excuse to NOT hit the gym, I also try to eat a bit healthier. I guess I'm kinda lucky because I don't feel any surge for candy, snacks or anything if it's not right in front of me so I might just eat it 1-2 a month.
If you wanna take care of your physical health just remember that a gym is by the far best if you can afford it, just running will give you a healthy heart but some people might like seeing some results in strength and looks. Weight lifting is also great for your bones joints as running put a lot of pressure on your knee joints.
Diet is also really important if you want to really feel a mood change.

I'm also thinking on going for computer science since I have my dreams to chase (I want to work in research level with artifical intelligence, robotics and maybe quant computers in the future). Just be sure that it interest you and that you have some dream you want to accomplish with your work or it might be hard to graduate.

Not sure if it counts as a dream but I'd like a job that pays pretty good. Artificial intelligence is intriguing too but when I think 'artifical intelligence', I may as well be thinking 'rocket science'. Truth be told, I'm not sure what all it encompasses.

My problem isn't so much that I eat unhealthy but more that when I eat unhealthy, I gorge on it. Our finances also often leave us turning to TV dinners and fast food (which is often cheaper than grocery-bought meals now because fuck this economy) but I think I'm going to quit the TV dinners and at least cut back on the fast food...Probably replace those with Subway since it's cheap, delicious, and a lot healthier with the right options...Must avoid their cookies. As for looks, I look pretty damn good for a sunlight-shunning internet addict. And as for strength, I'll buy some weights. The whole idea of gyms is irritating to me, paying for what I could easily manage myself...

[Nyzer]

Probably replace those with Subway since it's cheap, delicious, and a lot healthier with the right options

I swear, I go there five times a week minimum lately. Constantly coming home with a footlong sub for $5.25 after the morning shift, because $26.25 a week on fast food is fairly cheap when you've got full time hours. That and their current offer around Alberta for getting a free half-foot sub when you (re)fill a $25 gift card.
I dunno if the salami subs are the most healthy, but I've done worse. Last December, I literally had days where I ate nothing but Reese's from Costco 40-packs. And in Canada, each individual pack is three cups, not two...

And Xiious, congrats on escaping the hospital - unless you did it by climbing out the window or something.

[OtakuNinja]

On the topic of escaping from hospitals :

I ran a marathon in school today. When I was waiting for the bus, near the hospital, I saw a girl running full speed towards me.
The problem was in her pants. She didn't have any.
Turns out she'd escaped from the mental ward, and was heading for the railway tracks.
I still don't know what happened to her, since the bus arrived that very moment...

[Eraser35]

On the topic of escaping from hospitals :

I ran a marathon in school today. When I'm waiting for the bus, near the hospital, I see a girl running full speed towards me.
The problem was in her pants. She didn't have any.
Turns out she'd escaped from the mental section, and was heading for the railway tracks.
I still don't know what happened to her, since the bus arrived that very moment...

but if she wasn't wearing pants there would be no problem with her pants as she wasn't wearing any

[Xanatos]

On the topic of escaping from hospitals :

I ran a marathon in school today. When I was waiting for the bus, near the hospital, I saw a girl running full speed towards me.
The problem was in her pants. She didn't have any.
Turns out she'd escaped from the mental ward, and was heading for the railway tracks.
I still don't know what happened to her, since the bus arrived that very moment...

Awful time for a cliffhanger, bus.

[Auratus]

Thanks Kutagh and Beoran. But to being a long-distance friend now,IMO, is impossible. Not to mention being boyfriend with anyone who you knows for 2 day and the fact she might friendly to anyone. She is from different school which far from mine and I doubt I will set foot out of my school to find girl I only know her name, face, grade and schools. I think she is "abnormal". Because I find lot of "normal" people at school think my quiet manner means I don't want to talk. While I actually want to talk but I have problem starting right conversation in the right word in the right time. So I don't want to talk to unintentionally worsen my image. But my new crush are start conversations way too easily which makes 2 days I spent with her seem more valuable than 2 years with my class... and my old crush. I want someome who would open up to understand what I truly am, as I somehow fragile inside, and manage to built my wall of arrogance from academic superiority compare to portions of my class which perhap bounce off potential friends since freshman year. My classmate told me that he and some classmate is used to cold to me because "Stupid." is my most used insult, which I used to insult some of class including my old crush (even she later proved to be smartest in class), back then. I actually have no memory about doing so and would regret doing that save for few people.

I though my old crush could connect me with the rest of the world. Proved wrong, I was confused and lost and start to want to leave my school to restart with new place with new love. I guess I found latter one. But I don't sure where my new crush will go. I will post quite long explanation about admission to university here to understand my position better soon.

P.S. My new crush is first to tell me I adding number wrong way too much. She is also among the few people who know I like drawing. But she probably don't know that I draw or she is one of few real person I draw and one of two real person I try to draw as cute as I can.

[Beoran]

Auratus, maybe you are making simple things too complicated? I think you can stay in touch with that girl even though she lives far away. Like Yuuko says to Hisao: "It's only an elephant if you feel it is." Do your best to be kind to others, but be honest. Don't worry about your way of talking, if she likes you she'll listen even if you are clumsy. And if she doesn't, well... then I' sure you can find someone else too. In other words: relax and have fun. And if it doesn't work out, no problem either. But who knows, it might just work out or you. So I hope everything will go well.

[Kutagh]

I agree with Beoran... And even if you decide right now might not be the right time for a relationship with her, that might change in the future. You don't have to have a relationship with her if you don't desire a long-distance relationship, but things can change (perhaps you move in a year to somewhere close to her) and if you ask her number now, you have a way to contact her when that happens. Or nothing happens, nothing lost...

[Wetterl]

Welp. It's been an eternity since I was on here. I guess what happened was that I went on with life, but now with everything that's been happening recently I think I should give an update, if just to let myself get rid of my thoughts.

For anyone who doesn't know of my past, to sum it up; my aunt, who I would call the most important person to me at that point, committed suicide when I was seven. Over the years I started putting up a number of facades around myself, and doing so I slowly froze my mind from emotions. Three suicide attempts later, and all I ended up with were scars, unpleasant memories and a phobia of being cut.

Well, to tell what has happened since I last posted; this summer was the worst one yet, with constant obsessive thoughts, panic attacks, panic anxiety, you name it. However, I made a promise to a certain person that if I could I wouldn't hurt myself, and the one thing I will admit to be good about myself it is my willpower; if I have decided on something it will happen. So, despite however much I wanted to, no new scars formed upon my body.
Over the weeks it just got worse and worse, until a day in the later half of July during which I couldn't get myself out of bed so I just laid there and pitied myself, I realized how low I actually laid, so I decided to go out, just to do something. At 3:40 am I went out and ended up running. Due to health issues it was far from what most would be able to, but it was incredible for me to be able to run a longer distance at all without collapsing.

I kept on running every night for the next two weeks, and it made me feel better. A lot better. I can't really explain how, but it did to me what writing had been able to do before I gave up on it. Well, due to problems with medicine I wasn't able to keep up the running, but just those two weeks were enough for me to realize that I had to change; my one goal in life is to help others, and how will I be able to help others if I'm just lying on a mattress in a room, listening to the sound of an aquarium pump?

As school started, I started to feel strange. The insomnia that usually leaves by the start of school wouldn't do so, and concentration in class was even lower than usual (which for me isn't much). It was less than a week before I collapsed during a lesson and got sent to the school nurse, whom I told everything; how I felt like shit, how I barely ate anything, all those things. Another week passed and there was a meeting with me, the school nurse and my mother. Either I had been good at hiding it earlier, or my mother had chosen to ignore it, but up until this point she hadn't taken notice of my mental health. In preparation for this meeting, however, I told her as much as I could; all about how I felt like shit during summers, how I had problems with emotions, all that jazz. I didn't mention the cutting, because I had at this point realized that it wouldn't help, and if I mentioned it she would just get worried over the past.

I'll cut the story short, since I don't see any reason to go into detail; within the close future I will most likely start seeing a psychiatrist, and both of my parents have put a strict "no drugs"-attitude on this. I've realized myself that this will be for the better, which is something I never expected to do. In these last few months I've come up with the three philosophies I wish to live the rest of my life by, too:
Live every day like the next will be your last, because however good your second to last day might be you would want to enjoy the next day even more.
Overcome your circumstances, because everyone has their own hindrances in life. While some might have it rougher, that doesn't mean that they can't come up with a way to continue living on just like everyone else.
Give life meaning, for what is the meaning of life but the one you yourself decide?

So with all that said, what I want to really say is that however many hardships you might face in life, however many hindrances might be on your path, you can find a way past. However many obstacles might be there, you'll be able to continue. Maybe not by yourself, but with the help of others you can truly do it. I know that those words might seem like bullshit; I thought so for several years, but now I've finally realized that that is how it is. If you have a goal you will find a path to it, and even if you might not reach the goal you originally set up you will most likely find yourself in a better position than before if you have walked as far as you can on the path you have chosen.