Attack of Drunk Hanako

[Roxius]

Please forgive me. I am not of this world.
I feel like I really deserved to be flamed for this...

And I put in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure references, too, because I loved that series so much after reading all 500+ chapters...
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That night, Hisao Nakai, and mostly everyone at Yamaku High School, learned something very important: never let Hanako Ikezawa get her hands on any alcoholic liquid whatsoever.

Of course, it was really all Kenji's fault for giving it to her in the first place, but still...

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"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYO!!!! I AM THE KING OF SWEDEN!!! KISS MY PUSSY, BITCHES...OR I'LL SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!!! DATEBAYO!!!!!"

Completely nude, and wearing a lampshade over her head, Hanako roared like a maniac as she ran down the hallway. Close behind her were Hisao, Shizune, Misha, the Nurse, and Muto. Kenji was currently being held down by Emi (she was kicking him in the face) and Rin (she was sitting on him), so he could receive his punishment later for possessing alcohol while being under the age limit. Lilly was currently no where to be seen. Maybe she had already known of Hanako's dangerous reaction to drinking alcohol, so she went into hiding.

"HANAKO...YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN!!!" Hisao called out.

"HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Hanako smacked her tight little ass several times as if to mock them, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, LOSERS!!!!" She then vanished around the corner, laughing all the way.

The Nurse cursed under his breath. "She's right...dammit, who would have ever expected Ikezawa-chan to be so easily affected by alcohol like this...?"

"Grr...who knew that girl was so fast, either?!" Muto grunted in annoyance.

Hisao clutched at his chest, pain coursing through his veins. 'Damn...I'm overworking my heart again...' No one seemed to notice this. Not even the Nurse, who was running right beside the poor boy.

Shizune made several hand gestures to Misha, who in turn translated them for the others.

"Shiichan says we should try to set up a trap!!"

"...A trap?" The Nurse was interested in this idea.

"Yeah, since Hanako-chan is too fast for us to catch, we'll need to lure her into a trap so we can capture her...!!" Misha explained, completely ignoring the hand signs Shizune was now making.

Muto was both amazed and horrified. "THAT'S...THAT'S SOMETHING I NEVER WOULD HAVE EXPECTED FROM SOMEONE OF YOUR MENTAL CAPACITY, MS. MIKADO!!! I AM TOTALLY OVERWHELMED!!!!"

Misha just scowled in response.

"Hah...hah...oh, god..." Hisao pressed his back up against the wall as he breathed heavily in immense pain. He felt like his heart was on fire.

"Well, then...how exactly can we lure her into a trap? She's totally loco right now..." The Nurse pointed out.

Shizune made a few more hand signs.

"Yeah! That just might work, Shiichan!" Misha hand-signed to Shizune, and then she turned to the Nurse, "We should try to lure Hanako with something that she really likes!"

"...Something she really likes?"

Misha nodded. "Yeah! Something that's really sexually appealing would be best! Hanako's personality is totally different when she's drunk, so...we'll need to offer her something that really turns her on!"

"Ah...sexually appealing, huh?" He thought for a moment, and then he turned his gaze upon Hisao, who was lying on the floor and twitching violently every few seconds. Misha, Muto and Shizune also looked over at Hisao...and diabolical little smirks formed on their faces. The entire atmosphere suddenly became very uncomfortable for poor Hisao.

"Heh heh heh...oh, Hiichan, would you mind coming over here for a second?" Misha licked away a trail of saliva trickling down her chin.

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"Y...You know, guys...my...my heart is seriously killing me right now...maybe...maybe I shouldn't-"

"SILENCE, HIICHAN!!! NOW...PUT ON THE APRON!!!!"

Hisao sighed, and tied the apron around his waist. For some reason, Misha and Shizune had forced him to wear a french maid outfit that Muto was SUSPICIOUSLY keeping in the back of his closet. The Nurse was the one who provided the pitch-black eye liner and bright-white lip gloss. It was all very, very strange. They even gave him a sign to hold that said 'BITCHES CUM HERE-AH'. It took Hisao about three seconds to realize the misspelling was intentional.

"...Why do I have to wear THIS?" Hisao asked, trying to remain calm.

"Because," Misha snapped back, "It's what Hanako wants! Shut up and act pretty, okay? She'll definitely be coming around the corner any moment now...!"

Hisao sighed heavily. "Fine..."

Misha, Shizune, Muto and the Nurse quickly ran into the classroom nearby to hide, while Hisao was left standing in the middle of the hall, feeling terribly embarrassed. The tights he had on were rather uncomfortable, though, she was busy trying to straighten them out when a shadow suddenly appeared at the end of the hall. Hisao let out such a loud gasp that it sounded more like a high-pitched shriek than anything else.

It was Hanako, and she was still naked and wearing a lampshade on her head as if it were an army helmet. For some reason, though, she now had a large dog standing alongside her. It looked rather similar to that old seeing-eye dog Lilly had once shown Hisao photos of.

"This...is Niji!" Hanako proclaimed, much louder than necessary, "He is...my only true friend in the wooooooorld~!!!"

Hisao was having trouble keeping a straight face. 'OH GAWD...'

"Now...I SHALL KILL YOU, BACON-BITS!!!" Howling like a banshee, Hanako charged straight for Hisao, wielding a giant Alaskan tuna as if it were a sword.

Hisao gasped. 'WHERE...WHERE DID SHE GET AN ALASKAN TUNA...?!!!'

"STAR PLATINUM...GOOOO!!!!" Hanako smashed the large fish against Hisao's face, sending the brown-haired boy flying backwards.

"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH!!!!"

"H-Hanako...!!" Hisao cried, literally coughing up blood from that pitiful attack, "It's...it's me! I'm Hisao!!! You know...the guy you wanna sleep with?!"

"LIES!!! STOP TELLING ME LIES, DIO!!! I WILL SMASH YOU!!!! I WILL SMASH YOU THE SAME WAY I PUSHED MY DADDY INTO THE FLAMES!!!" Hanako bashed Hisao over the head with the fish several times over. Niji seemed to be cheering her on with his incessant barking. Pretty soon, Hisao was lying motionlessly in a puddle of his own blood.

The Nurse, who was watching the entire scene from the safety of the classroom, shook his head in disappointment. "Hisao has lost the battle...minus twenty points." he stated calmly.

Misha cursed under her breath. "WA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Now what do we do...?"

Shizune waved her hands around in a series of quick hand signs.

"No, Shiichan! I will not use my precious crabs just to knock her out! Don't be silly!!! ...And I'm not using my 'drills to pierce the heavens' either!!!"

The Nurse's ears perked up the moment he heard 'crabs'. "You know...there's a shampoo you can use for that..."

Muto cringed in disgust. "Oh god, you have crabs?! I can't believe I let you perform a lap dance on me for extra credit!!!! Gross!!!!"

"DON'T DISS MY CRABS, MUUCHAN!!!"

An awkward silence followed soon after. Shizune took that chance to quickly flip Muto the finger.

Suddenly, the silence was shattered when a loud cry came from out in the hallway. Looking back out, the Nurse gasped in surprise when he saw that Hanako was now lying on the ground as well...and Lilly was standing over her, holding a bloody turkey bone in her hand! Niji had also disappeared, as well, but that was a matter of little importance.

"Heh heh heh," Lilly sneered, licking her lips, "Now that we're alone...and she's unconscious...I can finally...heh heh heh...I CAN FINALLY EAT HER OUT FROM HEAD TO TOE LIKE I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED...I MEAN, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE...BUT I BET SHE'S YUMMY!!!!"

What happened next was something that would stand the tests of time for all of eternity...or something like that...

"Dude, that's the shit right there." All of the color drained from Muto's face.

"The truth is, I got a job here just because I wanted to see disabled girls have sex with each other..." The Nurse admitted as blood gushed from his nostrils.

"Wa ha ha ha ha - OH MY GOD." Misha's eyes nearly bulged out of her head.

Shizune had already lost consciousness before she even had a chance to 'say' anything...

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Meanwhile...

Kenji - "D...D...Damn feminist Nazi bitches!!!! Get offa me!!!"

Emi - "Geez! Does this dork ever shut up?!"

Rin - "I dunno..."

Kenji - "D-Dork?!!"

Emi - "Yeah, Kenji-kun...sorry to say this, but you're a class-S dork!"

Kenji - "C...C...CLASS-S?!!! THAT'S HIGHER THAN CLASS-A!!!"

Rin - "Yup..."

Kenji - "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Emi - "Ugh...Rin, can you silence him for a bit?"

Rin - "Sure thing..." (Rin tears off her shirt with her teeth, and eight large slimy tentacles emerged from her stomach)

Kenji - ".................................TENTACLE RAPE?"

Rin - "Uh-huh."

Kenji - "....................................................................DO IT."

Emi (her face suddenly becomes very realistic and disturbingly manly) - "DO IT!!!"

Rin (smiling insanely) - "WITH PLEASURE...?"

Nomiya (pops in out of nowhere, and he's cosplaying as the Joker) - "WHY SO SERIOUS, DEAF-TAN?!"

Rin - "...I'm not deaf-tan."

Nomiya - "Oh. Well...carry on then..." (he vanishes in a puff of smoke)

It was a very eventful night for everyone...even for Akira and Yuuko, who finally got to try out that new dolphin-shaped sex toy of theirs in bed...

[disturbedthoughts]

...The only thing that comes to mind is WTF???

[Roxius]

...The only thing that comes to mind is WTF???

Exactly!

[Snicket]

My mind after reading this

[DuaneMoody]

I read the first third. My brain refuses to let me go any further.

[Bara]

I read the first third. My brain refuses to let me go any further.

I read farther but the screaming of my brain cells as they died got to be too distracting. Seriously; WTF, over.

[SnigendePind]

O_o





...wat

[Squirg]

Yeah... um, don't do drugs.

[xenosnake]

That was very interesting...>_>

[Coyfish]

The moment I saw the words "I AM THE KING OF SWEDEN!!! KISS MY PUSSY, BITCHES" I scrolled WAY down to see the reactions of other people. Now I'm going back to read the whole story.

[Arrhythmia]

Man! I couldn't stop once I started!

I just LOVE your works, Roxius.

Did anyone tell you that you have a fertile imagination?

[Roxius]

Man! I couldn't stop once I started!

I just LOVE your works, Roxius.

Did anyone tell you that you have a fertile imagination?

I kinda figured I did...

[Nero]

ROFL!! I really laughed hard after reading the story!

[Moekki]

that was amazing...

[konufis]

i don't know what to say except... DUDE WHAT?