and shame for not
Being like me has caused many insults about my manhood to fly my way. I have no real sexual desires. Attraction towards other humans is there, but all that desire just doesn't exist in me. But I felt no shame. And I knew it was the same for her. While other people late at night would, ya'know, do stuff, we preferred to talk about things we both enjoyed while laying or sitting somewhere watching the stars, or listening to the rain. Being how we were, there was never any parental problems with me staying over there, or her over at my house. Even sleeping in the same bed was never a problem. We were just glad to have found someone who wouldn't go searching for more than what we each wanted. To this day, I'm still a virgin, and have never actually had a boner. Which seems impossible, but I've never been "turned on" by anything. And despite that, I used to have the dirtiest mind of anyone I knew. Back then.. when she was with me..
I forgot to mention, but during the two years after her death, her mother becamed remarried. (If you'll recall, she lost her husband half a year before... her daughter died...) That should explain why I say parents in a plural form. It could be that her mother is still feeling terrible and the step-father is what is causing me so much grief about what happened. I may try to talk to her mom in private someday...
I've already accepted the fact that I'm alone in this world now. It doesn't really bother me that much anymore. I'd just be glad if everyone else around me found someone to be with.
But the sad part was, I was just watching an episode of Chobits earlier and Chii asked Hideki what memories were. That stopped me in my tracks, I had to pause it to really think back on my past. But my memory.... it isn't doing well these days. I forget things quickly, and my memories themselves feel like they are disappearing slowly over time. I'm only turning 20 in a few months, there's no reason for my mind to be in this sorry state. And it only seems to be my memories themselves, not things I've learned. I still remember my dog's name, but I can't remember the first time I met her, or the first time I realized she had taken a liking to me out of the entire family.
Come to think of it, currently my emotions are losing focus as well. I can't remember the last time I was happy, or smiled for real inside.
I'm glad that the Internet records everything for everyone to see, so that even if most people forget, there will always be someone who remembers.
So I've finally decided to trust everyone here enough with my previous beloved's name. Before I one day forget it...everyone here will still help me remember. Her name, was Melody. God dammit I miss her.
One funny quirk about her was that she had very special hair. Technically it might've been blonde with another color mixed in, but everyone around her always thought she had silver hair. It was just something about her hair that gleamed in the sunlight to make it a silver color. It was very precious to her, and as long as I knew her, she never cut it.
Wow, alot of different thoughts spiraled from the original thought I was trying to express, that I have no shame for what I am.
(Actually, I just woke up 1.5 hours ago. Today hasn't been going on long enough to be horrible.)
<3.
Kaede <3