Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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Tomate
Posts: 390
Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:12 pm
Location: São Paulo, Brazil.

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Tomate »

ewok40k wrote:Hello! my story is not so much that of a broken heart, as of a heart that never has been in true love...
Even as far back as high school I was a lonely type of guy, always in books and spending most of the time in the library... quite Hanako-style. Later, it was only worse, with not being able to form any meaningful relationships and ending up alone. I wasn't forming much friendships too, trying to be nice and polite to everyone, but being too boring and unattractive to draw people in. Being adverse to any alcohol , let alone other "stimulants" didn't help. Eventually I basically stopped even trying. Lonely birthdays piled in and now I think I will die lonely one day without anyone save close family to remember me.
Should I end up in Yamaku, I'd probably wouldn't even go drinking with Kenji - I'd rather spend my evening reading books alone in my room.
Still, I have learned to live with loneliness, and dont mind it as much as before when I was often depressed about it. I guess its similar as people disabled learn to live with their condition.
If you fell the need for more friends and dislike being alone i strongly suggest that just talk to someone already, the worst thing that can happens by speaking with people from your class/work/neighborhood is someone thinking that you are boring or weird.

And remember, there are differences between being alone and being lonely.
Don't just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!
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Episcia
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Episcia »

Don't hesitate to speak up! It's not like they'll be slitting your throat the next second.

Just make sure you're doing civil conversation at least. That way you minimize the chances of your throat getting slit the next second.
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Surreal-mind
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Surreal-mind »

@Voxile: Thanks for sharing your story with us

@Xiious: Don't get deppressed over that girl... She gave up on you way too fast, she's really not worth it.
As for your current situation, I wish you luck.

@Kouryuu: Wish I could give you some advice on your anxiety, but I really can't...
The way I used to deal with that was to try to stop taking things so seriously... and stop giving a crap about things/life in general. It kind of works, but it's not really healthy. (So, don't do it!)
Hang in there man !
Last edited by Surreal-mind on Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Kouryuu
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kouryuu »

Surreal-mind wrote:@Kouryuu: Wish I could give you some advice on your anxiety, but I really can't...
The way I used to deal with that was to try to stop taking things so seriously... and stop giving a crap about things/life in general. It kind of works, but it's not really healthy. (So, don't do it!)
Hang in there man !
Hehe thanks! Well I didnt really consider anxiety until this thread tbh, I dunno maybe I did, I dont really remember. I always been scared of everything but I thought it was just me being silly. I am taking it more seriously now so I should be able to overcome it over the months or atleast make it deal-with-able ^^. It cant be any harder than depression.

I tried to become more laid back and I kinda am but it doesnt help, I just ended up avoiding scarey things. Also it doesnt help being laid back when I can snap at the drop of a hat :P. Its so totally random and probably has scared many people, then again I mostly just avoid the person/people I exploded on so I wouldnt really know.

Totally irrelevant tangent ftw! I havent really had the enthusiasm to post replies to anyone really here. Unless something comes to me really easy but I feel bad for not saying anything. Excuses, excuses ^^.
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Surreal-mind
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Surreal-mind »

Kouryuu wrote:. I should be able to overcome it over the months or atleast make it deal-with-able ^^.
I hope so man. :)
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dwarduk
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by dwarduk »

Voxile, your personal history is inspirational and well-written. Thank you for sharing it with those like me who lack the strength to publicly admit their weaknesses, failings and problems; it has given me a new and - I think - healthy perspective on events. Maybe I'll decide my story warrants sharing, maybe not. But I think you have helped me regardless :)
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Erenussocrates
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Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:50 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Erenussocrates »

@Walrusfella, thank you for your thoughtful and wise words, friend. I really appreciate it. I hope that your relationship goes well forever. I too, have definitely decided not to follow in my parents' wake.
Well, I don't know how the average females of your country was, but I guess I was just not the most sociable type around. As I considered again, I wouldn't speak much to other people including the males except the ones I had an acquaintance/friendship with. I had almost no friends at highschool though. Not that I would consider recognizing every acquaintance as friends. I got used to loneliness in highschool after a time though, because gaining my childhood friends and getting to know new ones outside school helped me out a lot. Come to think of it, I was never enrolled to a good school except for the very first school I went which was for rich people's kids. Maybe dealing with assholes had added quite an effect throughout my life.
And about accepting the risk of saying something stupid while communicating with females, I'll definitely consider trying that. But I don't think I will hold out long because I am a guy with insecurities about that, you know.
My best bet is to meet with awesome females on univercity. But I'm not all hopeful about that. I don't know how my mindset will be then. Who knows, maybe my luck might turn around again.
I wish goodness and pleasantness in your life, Mr. Walrusfella

@introfate, thanks for your motivating words and advices, I agree that nothing ventured is nothing gained, but I hope that I can work it out someday, someway.


@Mr. Voxile, I have been reading your posts on here. I agree that life is never fair, especially on people who had financial problems. I know how a home strikes a youngster, I know the importance of home when the people are young. Everytime I moved, it felt like leaving my warm nest and leaving all the memories behind, pleasant and horrible alike. It felt... empty...
It's true that I actually don't exactly know how people and environment around you were, in your time. I don't exactly know how it felt like living in that home, so I cannot associate myself to you completely. But I conceived that as much as important any home for all youngsters, it must have striken you badly living in that house throughout your youth.
And about the school problems, it seems like pretty much majority have suffered the same fate here, including me. I know how children, teenagers and even adults; can be senseless, absurdly crude and atrocious. I even had terrible teachers who had messed with me together with students. I read about your memory about that girl. I lost count of how many times I endured such shameful events. For instance, once there was that election for class presentative in our grade. I remember some guy sarcasmically promoting the others to vote me, and then I remember the other guy saying "No, shit, not in a hundred years" and stuff. I just remember putting my head on the desk helplessly without a word.
And at some point at highschool, I would constantly slump down on the desk and sleep in classes because of my permanent depression and boredom, and they ironically made a word about me secretly masturbating under the desk constantly. I know it sounds funny. I was at the peak of my depression at that time, and that was before we moved back to our hometown. And I wouldn't talk about it to neither to my father nor to my mother, because my father is always a displeased asshole and I won't give anymore ammunition to him. And I wouldn't tell to my mother, because she was already sad for me enough.
From what you wrote, I understood it as that you've been going to univercity as well. I don't know how are you, or what is your occupation right now, but I would suggest you to get a job enough to make you rich if you were still in highschool or stuff. I don't know if you've still pending issues or disabilities caused by your past -like me- but in any case, I would say just fuck your past and everything else and try to make a lot of money, if you could. I'm sure more girls and even more slutty girls than Amy would come to kiss you willingfully. If that is not a possibility, just try to be happy for the rest of your life Mr. Voxile. I don't know what else to say.


@ewok40k, just fuck it, if you feel really lonely, need to talk, or something else, screw everything and talk here. Or PM me.


@dwarduk, don't worry, friend. Nobody says anything negative about anybody here you know. And nobody is going to judge you ;) you can feel free to write anything you want anytime, nobody is forcing you, though.


------------------------------------------------------


Meanwhile, about today, I got really mad at my father because of a certain reason, and I was about to post a heated message going on about how much I hate my father, but then, I decided to watch some scenes of my favorite comedy show from youtube just to calm myself down, and I finally feel better now. I removed that message before posting it. Otherwise you would probably think that I was crazy if you've seen what I was about to post here.
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Total Destruction
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Total Destruction »

@Voxile: I feel like a punk for bitching about quitting smoking cold turkey seven months ago when you talk about smoking as a little kid. Haaahhh.

That aside, that's one hell of a story. School is weird. I don't recommend it. (Too bad you gotta jump through hoops anyway, kids. Don't be a fuck-up like old uncle T.D.) Good storytime, and screw the past, seduce the future!
... Danger.
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Xiious
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Xiious »

Glad to see everyone still helping out everyone else. I love this place.

Small update, I found a place to go. However, it doesn't include an internet connection for my computer. So I may be gone for a month or more.. Sorry guys. I'll see you when I get back on-line occasionally.

I'm still a bit depressed about the girl, but I'm not letting it get me down any more. I'm going to try and soldier on despite everything.
Voxile

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Voxile »

This will probably be my last bit on this story - depends on whether I really want to go over my life after high school.

Now, for some perspective, when I say 'tall' I mean 6'4", and when I say 'chunky', I mean 280#. I'd grown into a rhino of a young man with wiry, long hair, and all the tactful personality traits of an alligator. I'm still like that - for better or worse. Years of teasing had made me witty and sarcastic, as well as sullen, moody and cynical. I carried my schoolbag around with me, which was technically a soft briefcase with a long shoulder-strap in which i kept all of my needed textbooks, a sketch pad and about a thousand scraps of random notes. The model of efficiency, I didn't use my locker for anything; instead carrying everything with me so I could leave at a moment's notice.

I had learned many tricks for avoiding people.

People still ask me today if I played football or some other skull-bashing team sport, and I usually just smile dismissively and say something flippant like, "I wasn't interested in brain damage," or "they couldn't handle me." Truthfully, though, I was so cynical , I saw team sports as a carefully-fabricated lie. That, and I would rather have spent 6 hours a week running into a tree repeatedly, instead of subjecting myself to caveman discussions with the 'athletes' everyone else seemed to admire. To say that all athletes are cavemen is probably inaccurate, but I'd never met one who wasn't, so I didn't have any other perspective.

I mentioned before I had made a few friends in my freshman year. I was still able to tolerate most of them. The ones I couldn't, I simply ignored until they left me alone. I remained friends with Joe, but, being honest, I didn't know why.

I'm writing myself to sound like a jerk because it was somewhat true. I can admit that, I think. I had every excuse in the world to be a jerk.

The smiling, inquisitive, friendly child I had been at age 5 was now 16, a Junior in High School, and spent the last 10 years being oppressively teased by virtually all of his classmates while his home life was falling apart. It had changed me - outwardly, at least. I was still curious about everything and everyone, but I was so personally guarded that all my information had to come via rumors and eaves-dropping. I was like an armadillo - a decidedly big armadillo - with giant ears.

Between classes, I was a ghost - which is an amazing feat if you'd ever met me in person. I slipped through the crowds practically unseen. The nickname I mentioned was occasionally shouted as I walked by - I wasn't actually invisible, after all - but it usually went ignored. In retrospect, I think my classmates had begun to mature by then and might have been genuinely trying to be nice, but I'd had my head down for so long it didn't matter. I had locked myself in a shell of paranoid defenses against verbal slings.
~-~
At least I'd returned to academic stability. I was never bookish, but I had the patience and attention span of a mountain. I never studied for tests, but never did poorly. Granted, I could have done better with some extra initiative, but when I left that place for the day the thought of digging back into my school-bag seemed ludicrous. When I got home I was physically exhausted from spending 6-7 hours tensely treading on eggshells. Therefore I usually didn't complete my homework - usually only digging it out and racing to finish it in the 5 minutes between classes.

I wasn't actively fighting against my schoolwork but I also wasn't really paying it due diligence. My grades fell from B+s-A-s, to Cs. I also didn't care. I was going through the motions knowing I only had two years of hell left before I'd never have to set foot in that building or see any of those people ever again. I don't know why I thought the situation would improve after high school, but it was the only hope I had at the time.

The only joy I had around that time was at home watching TV, playing video games, reading or talking with the only people I could ever open up to - my brothers. As I'm writing this, I should mention that we were a family of teased children. All three of us - Mark, the eldest, myself in the middle, and Chris, my little brother - were relentlessly bullied and ridiculed throughout our time in school.

Mark is hilariously sarcastic in a subdued sort of way. He's also quite sullen and moody, and he hates mornings. He's also a gifted writer with an eye for detail rivaling Tolkien. As early as Junior High, he was making notes and writing whole back-stories, character biographies, and even maps of the world they inhabit in his notebooks for an enormous fantasy world he's been building to turn into novels. I looked up to him for years and used to follow him around like a puppy - probably because I didn't have friends of my own, but he managed to keep a few.

In my Junior year, Mark was in his third Senior year. He pushed against school even harder than I had and skipped a few of months worth of school over the previous two years. His grades plummeted, and, with his original class long gone, he was surrounded by ever-younger classmates and pushed even further inward through simple embarrassment as well as venomous ridicule. He finally graduated that year, but I don't think he's recovered from that even now.

I'd mentioned before that my younger brother, Chris, suffered lead poisoning at a young age. Well, whatever effect it had on his faculties, it didn't stop him from becoming a sweet kid. He was quirky and always full of energy, and possessed the intelligence to outsmart the both of us when he wanted to, but he was exceedingly gullible. This was entertaining for the two of us, but it made bullying vastly easier for the neanderthals at school.

Early in school, it hadn't been much of a problem, but in middle school, he started lashing out. If I'd known what was going on, I'd have risked being thrown out of school for pounding a particular trio of underclassmen into the floor. Chris wasn't really able to internalize the pain, so, when he was prodded, he was prone to loud outbursts. Later on in High School, his outbursts became violent on occassion.

We didn't talk about school much when we were at home.

I'm a bit drained after writing that, so I'll be back for more in a bit.

-V
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Kouryuu
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kouryuu »

@Xiious - We are always here for when you can get back on and update us ^^

@Voxile - Thank you for your long write up, I have only read the first 2 posts so far and I dont really have anything to say unfortunately. Still good of you to get everything written down, it can help get things out of your head. :)

The more awsome people in the thread can say more than me, I am sure ^^

Tomorrow I send the facebook message which will confirm the beginning or the end. Well the end of an era I guess. Like the end of hanging on, or something. I am hoping its the beginning/rebirth but I am not that hopeful.
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introfate
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by introfate »

Voxile, this piece of work is very amazing, I truly am interested in reading the rest of it.

Xiious, I wish you well and I await your return. Good luck.

Kouryuu, Today is the day, don't expect an instant response, but I don't believe she'll ignore the message altogether. It'll be fine.
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Surreal-mind
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Surreal-mind »

@Kouryuu: So...today, huh ?
Good luck man! I really hope things go well for you.

@Xiious: We will be here when you come back. Good luck!
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Kouryuu
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kouryuu »

@introfate & Surreal-mind - Thanks you guys, the message is sent. Her last activity was 15th June so it might take a while for her to respond which I consider a good thing. Right now I am in a bit of a state, I considered delaying the message because of it but at the end of the day it doesnt matter.
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Erenussocrates
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Erenussocrates »

@Kouryuu, I don't know the full extent of your story, but in any case, make sure to inform us of the developments.
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