Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[ArazelEternal]

This may just sound like self absorbed bullshit compared to the other people, but screw it, It's late enough I don't care.
I'm homeschooled, junior year in HS, 3rd year of homeschool. Have friends in regular school and homeschool, fence, run track, have parents that actually listen to me, it doesn't seem bad.

Yet for some reason, I constantly feel like a tiger pacing in a cage. Not just confined, angry. I'm extremely calm most of the time, usually blow stuff off, or make some sarcastic quip. Yet when no one else is around, I feel like I want to rip someone's limbs off, laughing all the while. I get so enraged it almost hurts. Even when nothing particularly angering has happened recently. Honestly, it scares me a bit, because in 7th grade, I actually got really angry at a kid, and.. Nothing. Can't remember a damn thing for about 15 minutes. The stories I heard vary, but this is what I can place.
I threw the kid, who was a year older than me and at least 2 in hes taller (and I am no athlete. Skinny as a bone, little to no upper body. I'm a runner.) across the hall into a wall, after apparently telling him something that made him pee himself. This I saw the aftereffects of. I then was charging at him like a madman, growling or snarling, though that might be an exaggeration. I got suspended for a week, and after that, the bullies left me the hell alone.
A couple people say something happened to the Scout troop's older , generally acknowledged ass, but he stayed out of my reach. Again, not a thing can I recollect.

Honestly, It scares the hell out of me now. I don't even really want to get romantically involved at all because I worry ejat will happen If I just snap one day. The second time, someone told me I was literally frothing at the mouth, crying, howling with rage, and went for a knife.

Hello Tokoz. Welcome to HBHC.

I know what it is like to deal with extreme rage. While Ive never had a time where Ive blacked out, I have had times where the rage caused me to shake and I would get the kind of insane laughter like you hear in some Slipknot songs. Im one of those people who would rather bottle it up and keep it hidden rather than talk about it, even though I know its not the best way to cope.

The best was I deal with my anger when it gets like that is I shut myself in my room or seclude myself somewhere away from others. If I can, I turn on some music and concentrate on that, which usually helps quell my rage. If that in its own doesnt help, then I go for my pillow or something else safe. Punch it, kick it, throw it, whatever. I wont hurt it and will likely not hurt anything with it. That works well too. Just find a safe outlet.

[Unforgiven]

Thanks for sharing your story

I'm 18 years old now, but I know what you been through. When I was really young, my parents broke up. I still see my dad every weekend, but I think his new girlfriend changes him when she is around. Well, that topic is unrelated. Don't worry if you never had a girlfriend, I'm telling you, I never been in a serious relationship either, but you know when the time comes. Just stick with your friends and if you want to make new ones, then make new friends. Changing school is hard, but you are going to get used to in a short time... If you are getting teased because of your "nerdy" nature, set some respect. Don't do the same mistake I did

Thank you Shultz and Gandara for listening. I think the only reason why shared this is katawa shoujo, it just made me think about life and.. well here I am. Sorry for not being able to help with other peoples problems, I don't think that I have enough life experience to really help but I read every post.

PS: You have a spoiler on your signature, I think

Oh.. I didn't even realise... fixing it now.

[Tokoz]

Azrael: yeah. Pretty much what I do. I guess I'm really not all that concerned about it, but it was late and I was feeling mopey.

Unforgiven: I have to agree with you. Playing Katowa Shoujo has made me a lot more introspective. Glad it helped you a bit too, apparently.

[Kutagh]

Yeah Tokoz, I know from experience that bottling up the rage doesn't really work. While I didn't black out from the rage, I did once something that I usually wouldn't have done (attempting to strangle someone) because I wasn't thinking due to the bottled up rage bursting. And man, sometimes I can still get so furious about something that I want to destroy something. When that happens, I let myself just rage it out in my room, smashing my desk a bit, punching the air... It's better than just bottling it up.
I also strongly recommend a punching bag for you and your brother. Don't bottle up the rage too long, if you get furious with something, start punching the bag the same day.

[Tokoz]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I tried the punching bag once, but it didn't work. That's why I took up fenceing. Going beserk doesn't help much in that sport, true, but stabbing a faceless person is amazingly theurapeutic.
Also, strange as it may sound, It often helps me more to work it off mentally. Though honestly, that might not be healthy, thinking about it.

[Total Destruction]

Medication is an easy way out. Like alcohol, its a quick temporary fix that rarely if ever actually does anything to fix the core issue. Not only that, but as has been said, they have side effects. Thats why I avoid medications if possible.

Speaking from experience, that's not always the case. Granted, all pills did to me was level me out WAY too much to the point where I felt... Not like less of a person, per se, but more like less of a problem? I dunno, it's really difficult to express, and the side effects were worse with everything else I was using at the time. Pills weren't for me, hahah.

Still, some good friends of mine really do benefit from meds. Watching a schizophrenic transition from normal and friendly to motionless, cold, and conversing with things that aren't even there, all because he neglected/forgot to take his meds that morning isn't something I like doing too much.

Not calling you a liar or anything, just being Devil's advocate, yanno. Medication's not for everyone, but it does do some people a bit of good.

pre-high school nervousness storytime

Welcome.

First off, I just wanna sympathize with you and say that divorce sucks. Growing up, I had about eight different parents, as my folks split when I was tiny, then both married different people and they split up, and so on and so on. It's pretty goofy, but you can't help it, you know? So I feel you on that.

As for high school, yeah, I'll give you that it's pretty scary at first, but once you get over that first few weeks of transitional stuff, it's just the same thing over and over again. Freshman year's always rough for everyone, but it comes with the territory. You're beginning to become YOU, and all high school really is isn't much more than a test of character to see what you'll wind up being. Kinda like boot camp, I guess, hahah. Don't sweat it, though. How can you be afraid of something that hasn't even started yet? You'll be fine.

black-out angry storytime

Yeesh, dude. I literally don't know what to say to this, as I'm not familiar or been in any state where this has happened to me. I'd listen to everyone else; they seem to have a handle on it. Talk to someone. Defrag your brain a bit. Beat up something that doesn't bleed for a bit.

I get feeling like you're "locked down," as it were. I've been like that for a good minute, honestly. I'm actually going on a bit of a walkabout for a few months, workingg a bit, too, so if I'm off the boards for a bit, or if I'm a little more sporadic, don't sweat it, HBHC, I'm not ignoring you guys. Just doing me to do me. Maybe that's what you gotta do, Tokoz? Go on your own little adventure, maybe?

@Aili: Way to go, girlfriend! I'm sure you'll do just fine.

@Wetterl: It's good that you at least know what you're doing's a bit much. Still, seriously. Kills me to (well, metaphorically) see someone doing that kinda thing. Get someone to talk to. Go do something physically exerting, like running or beating the hell outta sandbags or whatever. Take a class, about ANYTHING fun. Paint. Fuck, normally I'd be against saying things like this to people on a forum in which a few of you are underage, but I dunno, smoke a bowl or something. How are Swedish pot laws? Is medical a possibility? (I'm against using drugs as a solution to anything, as it's something I'm still kind of guilty of, but marijuana's fucking harmless. Jesus.) You're a good kid. You don't gotta do something terrible like that to yourself. Be good.

[Tokoz]

I'd listen to these guys Wetterl. There is no possible way this can end well for you. I've known depressed people, maybe not on your level, I dunno, but trying cutting or anyhing like that didn't help.

[Xiious]

storytimez

I'm glad to see new additions to the HBHC. I thank you for your stories, but I think what advice that needed to be said has been spoken by Gandara, our own personal HBHC psychologist (just joking around Gandara ), and Total Destruction. I really don't have anything more to add to what they've already said.

On another note, i came online to post a quick update and found myself reading storytimez past hour =.=

Update:
I've managed to rebuild a bridge yesterday between me and someone that used to be a close friend. I had pushed her away like everyone else but she never gave up, so we had coffee this morning, and have managed to re-establish a friendship. For that, I am glad.

However there is still a lot left for me to do before I can get things straightened out but I think I can accomplish it if I don't give up. Meant to come online for 5 minutes, stayed for an hour. But I'm glad it seems some took my advice and have shared their stories with the rest of us. Here, it really can mean the start of fixing yourself up with the help of a group of people that care!

~Xiious, Out.

[MajorCoder]

I need to read all of the stories before I post mine so i'll be busy since i'm on page 10 right now lol.

[Gandara]

Apart from the near constant restlessness, nothing comes to mind as fuel for this beserker attitude.

Do a little more thinking on it. Obviously your anger is something that still occurs in your life, so if it is indeed caused by an outside source it may be something you wouldn't initially suspect.

I am also Celtic, and I am one of the most laid back, calm people ever. Every once in a while I get the urge to just fight someone, but I'd attribute that to testosterone / manliness more than my heritage.

As for one of your later posts, you mention a punching bag not working. Maybe give it another shot - sometimes it takes a little time to acclimate to a new exercise routine. Perhaps look up some Youtube videos about proper punching bag technique so you don't hurt yourself and you can maximize your time.

Sorry for not being able to help with other peoples problems, I don't think that I have enough life experience to really help but I read every post.

Don't sweat it. If you ever feel like you can give advice to someone, feel free. Otherwise, just being a piece of the support structure we construct would be more than enough. Read people's stories, sympathize, and reflect upon it within your own life.

However there is still a lot left for me to do before I can get things straightened out but I think I can accomplish it if I don't give up.

Never, ever give up.

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to work things out with your old friend. Perhaps she will be a good support to help you continue to remedy your life. Keep it up, and nothing but good will come of it!

[Gandara]

Double post, hoooo!

So I have a little thing that I'm curious whether you guys could shed some alternate views upon:

As I've stated before, I'm in a period of great change within my life. I'm doing a hell of a lot to fix myself, including but not limited to: a) losing a massive amount of weight, b) going back to college, and c) spending my time doing more worthwhile things, like volunteering. I'm already 20% done with a (check my sweet status in my sig, updated weekly!), and b is underway as well - I've enrolled in school and, pending my placement test tomorrow, should be accepted for the Fall semester. As for c, I haven't found anything yet but I'm hoping that there will be easily accessible volunteer opportunities on the college campus.

Okay, so having said all that, I must say that these are all selfish goals. Of course, a and b are quite obviously selfish, as they both directly benefit me and pretty much only me for the time being. However, I'm even viewing c as being a little selfish, especially due to my motivations...

I want to meet people. And, more specifically, I want to potentially meet a girlfriend. Here's the thing: I'm not terribly social as is. I'm friendly enough in person, but aside from work and occasionally hanging out with friends I don't really leave the house for much at all. I despise bars and usual "hang-out" spots for people my age, and even so I wouldn't want to meet a potential girlfriend at a bar (no offense to anyone who frequents bars, it's just not my style). I tried online dating a little bit but that just didn't pan out - I put a ton of effort into it and got absolutely zero return.

So... this is sort of the next place my mind goes. Sure, the altruistic opportunity is appealing, and I truly would like to help my fellow man. But I secretly long to meet someone through these activities, someone special. If I were to meet someone else who was volunteering, or just through my volunteer work, it would be a much better initial environment than meeting someone at a bar or off a website.

So, the question of the day is... Is this too selfish of me? Should I not be going into this sort of field with such an ulterior motive? I don't want to, you know, go "sniping" or something petty like that - I'm not just looking for easy meat. I'm legitimately searching for a partner, a companion, someone to love and be loved by and, you know, maybe one day marry and have pop out little Gandara's and Gandarette's. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong by going into this line of work with such a mindset...

[Kutagh]

Double post, hoooo!

So I have a little thing that I'm curious whether you guys could shed some alternate views upon:

As I've stated before, I'm in a period of great change within my life. I'm doing a hell of a lot to fix myself, including but not limited to: a) losing a massive amount of weight, b) going back to college, and c) spending my time doing more worthwhile things, like volunteering. I'm already 20% done with a (check my sweet status in my sig, updated weekly!), and b is underway as well - I've enrolled in school and, pending my placement test tomorrow, should be accepted for the Fall semester. As for c, I haven't found anything yet but I'm hoping that there will be easily accessible volunteer opportunities on the college campus.

Okay, so having said all that, I must say that these are all selfish goals. Of course, a and b are quite obviously selfish, as they both directly benefit me and pretty much only me for the time being. However, I'm even viewing c as being a little selfish, especially due to my motivations...

I want to meet people. And, more specifically, I want to potentially meet a girlfriend. Here's the thing: I'm not terribly social as is. I'm friendly enough in person, but aside from work and occasionally hanging out with friends I don't really leave the house for much at all. I despise bars and usual "hang-out" spots for people my age, and even so I wouldn't want to meet a potential girlfriend at a bar (no offense to anyone who frequents bars, it's just not my style). I tried online dating a little bit but that just didn't pan out - I put a ton of effort into it and got absolutely zero return.

So... this is sort of the next place my mind goes. Sure, the altruistic opportunity is appealing, and I truly would like to help my fellow man. But I secretly long to meet someone through these activities, someone special. If I were to meet someone else who was volunteering, or just through my volunteer work, it would be a much better initial environment than meeting someone at a bar or off a website.

So, the question of the day is... Is this too selfish of me? Should I not be going into this sort of field with such an ulterior motive? I don't want to, you know, go "sniping" or something petty like that - I'm not just looking for easy meat. I'm legitimately searching for a partner, a companion, someone to love and be loved by and, you know, maybe one day marry and have pop out little Gandara's and Gandarette's. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong by going into this line of work with such a mindset...

The question I'd pose to you is: Would you do that line of volunteer work even if you weren't searching for a potential girlfriend there? If yes then I wouldn't worry about it and just do it. If you get a girlfriend through it, it's an added bonus, otherwise you're volunteering (good for your CV) and getting out your house a bit more. If no, I don't know...
Why am I asking this? Because usually you need more motivation than just 'I want to meet someone through volunteering' because the people with only that motivation drop out pretty quickly... And for the kind of love you're saying you're looking for, I think you need to really know the people, not just looking for love on first sight but to love someone's character. That takes time, easily goes into months.

[Gandara]

The question I'd pose to you is: Would you do that line of volunteer work even if you weren't searching for a potential girlfriend there? If yes then I wouldn't worry about it and just do it. If you get a girlfriend through it, it's an added bonus, otherwise you're volunteering (good for your CV) and getting out your house a bit more. If no, I don't know...
Why am I asking this? Because usually you need more motivation than just 'I want to meet someone through volunteering' because the people with only that motivation drop out pretty quickly... And for the kind of love you're saying you're looking for, I think you need to really know the people, not just looking for love on first sight but to love someone's character. That takes time, easily goes into months.

Well, to answer your question - it's not the initial reason I had to go into volunteer work. It was but a piece of the epiphany I had several weeks ago, and the solution to the conundrum of "I'm wasting my time, I don't contribute anything meaningful, and my life feels rather pointless." It sort of wrapped those three up in a potential outlet, something creative to do with my time, something to contribute, and something to give me a little purpose.

Since, it has transformed in my mind into a potential meeting ground. I suppose I just need to keep it in stride. There's a chance I might meet someone, but it shouldn't be my focus. I know this is the attitude I need to go into it with.

But, god damn... I am so lonely. It really sucks.

I understand that love is something that needs to be fostered, but I need to actually meet someone first to begin fostering such feelings. I'm not looking for instant zap soulmate... I know it'll take work... but damn it.

Christ, I sound pathetic.

[Walrusfella]

But, god damn... I am so lonely. It really sucks.

I understand that love is something that needs to be fostered, but I need to actually meet someone first to begin fostering such feelings. I'm not looking for instant zap soulmate... I know it'll take work... but damn it.

Christ, I sound pathetic.

Not at all. It's totally normal to want that and be sad when it's absent.

I think going out and volunteering is a great idea, and a good way of meeting people. You should do it. Nobody I know met their significant others by going to bars and such - definitely better off avoiding that sort of thing, especially since you're not interested in casual nonsense. I met my wife because I decided to do something social and outside of routine that I wouldn't normally do. I was rewarded for my halfhearted boldness with the girl of my dreams. I admit I was damned lucky, but it can happen to you.

Don't worry about your motivation for volunteering; it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and you have a good attitude about it. You also have new-found drive an direction in your life - women will find that attractive.

I've managed to rebuild a bridge yesterday between me and someone that used to be a close friend. I had pushed her away like everyone else but she never gave up, so we had coffee this morning, and have managed to re-establish a friendship. For that, I am glad.

Good on you Xiious. Not many people get, or take, the chance to do that. It says a lot about her character that she stuck by you during the hard times.

[Exbando]

I've been thinking about something for the past day or so. I feel like I'm not really doing anything with my life. I'm working a dead end job part time, and that's about the only time I leave my house lately. I don't have a girlfriend, and I've never had one. Hell, I hardly ever talk to girls unless they're related to me. I'm still living with my parents, not even going to school. When I look at my future, all I can really see is the 30 year old that still lives with his parents. When I was at college, I didn't do too well. I feel like I lack the motivation to really try anything anymore. All this is just making me feel like I'll never amount to anything. Sorry if this is all over the place.