Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[~Shultz]

You might going to say that I don't deserve this either, but psychological damage encourages me to continue with my music...

On all my depressions, I found that a really good source for inspiration because I'm more thoughtful on that state

[Beoran]

Well, first of all I'd like to thank everyone new and old here for their stories. I haven't been able to take time to write a reply here since I'm still hunting for a job, and on top of that, a few other problems came up. My wife's computer broke down so I had to build a new one from parts to save money. Moreso it looks like my daughter has a small congenital physical handicap in one of her arms, and she will have to get specialized care for it. I guess in our case, when it rains, it pours... :p

Ah well, when the going gets tough the tough get going. Though I'm not that tough, but the spirit counts.

Wettrl, if you are at the point where you are physically hurting yourself, you really must get some professional help. It's really too dangerous. A cut, especially by something unhygienic as glass can easily get infected, and in the worst case bacteria can get into your bloodstream in which case you'll get blood poisoning and you will die. If you can't stop yourself, at least thoroughly and immediately wash and disinfect the cuts.

As for easy way outs... there ain't no such thing. Only things that seem easy escapes but cause more problems in the end. Alcohol, drugs, cutting, gambling, etc. Better avoid all that crap.

[Wetterl]

Wettrl, if you are at the point where you are physically hurting yourself, you really must get some professional help. It's really too dangerous. A cut, especially by something unhygienic as glass can easily get infected, and in the worst case bacteria can get into your bloodstream in which case you'll get blood poisoning and you will die. If you can't stop yourself, at least thoroughly and immediately wash and disinfect the cuts.

As for easy way outs... there ain't no such thing. Only things that seem easy escapes but cause more problems in the end. Alcohol, drugs, cutting, gambling, etc. Better avoid all that crap.

I've seen what "professional help" can do to a person, and in the case it does anything at all it's usually not a pretty sight. I believe that a case such as mine wouldn't be sent to a psychologist, but a psychiatrist, who would then order medication. I wouldn't stand that, taking drugs just to feel better.

The few times I actually have hurt myself I've always tended to the wound(s) immediately, washing it several times, then disinfecting it-

I know of the dangers of whatever I do, and that's why I try not to do them. It's just that the one who does it is barely me, but the person who stays when I leave.


EDIT: I realise that I sound like an extremely paranoid and mental douche here, but I don't think I am. I've just seen these things happen to other people, and I've seen the side effects of different routes, so I headed for the one I thought seemed the easiest to handle.

[metalangel]

I wouldn't stand that, taking drugs just to feel better.

You won't take things designed to help you, but you're happy to continue cutting yourself?

Reading about all that made me mad... and I don't tend to get mad about real stuff like this easily. I really don't know what to say that isn't shouting at you/passing judgement on your feeling unable to cope with problems that are personal to you/insulting you to try and anger you out of it.

Please, from one internet stranger to another, just stop purposely injuring yourself. It's upsetting just to read about. There are so many better ways of coping with problems and stress that don't involve self harm.

[Kutagh]

I wouldn't stand that, taking drugs just to feel better.

You won't take things designed to help you, but you're happy to continue cutting yourself?

Reading about all that made me mad... and I don't tend to get mad about real stuff like this easily. I really don't know what to say that isn't shouting at you/passing judgement on your feeling unable to cope with problems that are personal to you/insulting you to try and anger you out of it.

Please, from one internet stranger to another, just stop purposely injuring yourself. It's upsetting just to read about. There are so many better ways of coping with problems and stress that don't involve self harm.

To be honest, I'm not quite happy about taking drugs that only alleviate the effect and not treating the cause, especially since the drugs we're talking about often have side-effects. But yes, self-harm is not a solution (nor is only medication). It is a tough situation...

[ArazelEternal]

Medication is an easy way out. Like alcohol, its a quick temporary fix that rarely if ever actually does anything to fix the core issue. Not only that, but as has been said, they have side effects. Thats why I avoid medications if possible.

[metalangel]

I have a close friend who's on medication for long term psychological issues, I'm not talking out of my ass here.

Do they just treat the effect? Maybe, but they they also let you start to resume a normal life and from that starting point he's improving and improving and it's... so wonderful to see. He can even take a break from them from time to time if needed without any ill effects. It's terrible and I don't pretend to understand it all, all I can say is that he has ups and downs but the ups are outweighing the downs and that's the most important thing for him and those who care about him.

[Unforgiven]

Hi.
I don't know why, but I feel like posting something about my life here, so here it goes...
I just finished 9th grade so im a bit younger than you, but I think it is fine. So yeah this autumn im going to high school and I don't really know what to think about it, im kinda nervous but some of my old friends are coming to the same school so it's not like I don't know anyone... But im still bit scared, I have always been kinda quiet and a bit shy but I still get along with new people okay. I used to be really shy, but I think it's more in the past. When I was around 10 years old my parents broke up... I was pretty messed up back then, fighting a lot with other kids and stuff but I think im over it. I still see my dad about every second week or so and we get along well. Now that im going to new school I really don't know how to handle it... I guess I will just live day by day. As for the relationships I never really had a girlfriend and I think it's coz I never really talk to them. I think im nerd and everyone knows it. And I think im okay with that. I don't have very much social life, I have this one old friend who lives far away but we still see eachother occasionally. And I have this one friend from my old class. But yeah... I have a rough past and insecure future. But yeah... sorry about rambling and thanks for listening.

[Surreal-mind]

Small update on my situation:
It's been long hours/days of self-reflection and such.
It kind of seems like I have finally understood things better. (at least a lil' bit)
I had a long time to figure things out more properly.
Now that I realize exactly what my past mistakes are, (and WHY I did the stupid things I did) I doubt I'll ever repeat 'em again in the future. I've also come to realize that many things that happened weren't entirely my fault, wich doesn't make them less sad, but at least it's something.
I still have some sort of self-image problems, not with the way I look (physically) but with who I am as a human/person.
But as Gandara said before, talking about it is the first step... right ?
All this time I've been wondering what exactly is wrong with me... after thinking a lot it seems that I am scared of the future. Completely terrified of it actually...
Hey , it's not like I am giving up or anything . I will still try to give it my best, but I can't help but feel like that

As for the other posts .... I 've read all of them.
I am not giving any advice because I am a total mess myself right now, my advice would probably be completely unhelpful, so it might be wiser for me just to stay quiet.
But if it helps you/makes you feel a lil' better, I've read them and I understand 'em, you're not alone.
Damn, I really wish I could say something actually useful.

[~Shultz]

Hi.
I don't know why, but I feel like posting something about my life here, so here it goes...
I just finished 9th grade so im a bit younger than you, but I think it is fine. So yeah this autumn im going to high school and I don't really know what to think about it, im kinda nervous but some of my old friends are coming to the same school so it's not like I don't know anyone... But im still bit scared, I have always been kinda quiet and a bit shy but I still get along with new people okay. I used to be really shy, but I think it's more in the past. When I was around 10 years old my parents broke up... I was pretty messed up back then, fighting a lot with other kids and stuff but I think im over it. I still see my dad about every second week or so and we get along well. Now that im going to new school I really don't know how to handle it... I guess I will just live day by day. As for the relationships I never really had a girlfriend and I think it's coz I never really talk to them. I think im nerd and everyone knows it. And I think im okay with that. I don't have very much social life, I have this one old friend who lives far away but we still see eachother occasionally. And I have this one friend from my old class. But yeah... I have a rough past and insecure future. But yeah... sorry about rambling and thanks for listening.

Thanks for sharing your story

I'm 18 years old now, but I know what you been through. When I was really young, my parents broke up. I still see my dad every weekend, but I think his new girlfriend changes him when she is around. Well, that topic is unrelated. Don't worry if you never had a girlfriend, I'm telling you, I never been in a serious relationship either, but you know when the time comes. Just stick with your friends and if you want to make new ones, then make new friends. Changing school is hard, but you are going to get used to in a short time... If you are getting teased because of your "nerdy" nature, set some respect. Don't do the same mistake I did

PS: You have a spoiler on your signature, I think

[Gandara]

Medication

You should know that it's entirely possible to go to a psychiatrist and tell them not to prescribe you anything. Medications are an advancement, but they are not necessity.

Having said that, Wetterl, don't dismiss our advice just because you don't agree with the possibility of being medicated. I would rather see you pop a couple pills than continue to inflict harm upon yourself. And even if you utterly refuse to take antidepressants or whatever they'd put you on, there are numerous other medical options to help treat you.

What you're doing is not okay. Don't continue doing it. Seek help.

It's like what Doc said to Hisao in the hallway - I'm coming down hard on you because this is something that must be addressed now. Not sometime later, not tomorrow, but now. You are seriously endangering yourself if you continue the way you are going.

I guess I will just live day by day.

Thanks for sharing your story, Unforgiven.

I know times can be rough, but you seem like a strong kid. Keep your chin up, and keep a positive attitude.

High school can be a bit scary when you first get there, but don't worry too much about it. Everyone experiences it, and we managed to make it through just fine. Just be yourself, be friendly and you'll do fine.

As for the girl thing, just give it time - no need to rush. I never had a girlfriend in high school, and I managed alright. =)

... after thinking a lot it seems that I am scared of the future. Completely terrified of it actually...

Thanks for the update Surreal. I'm really happy to hear that you're finally starting to do some self-reflection and figure out your situation.

The things that happen in the past are engraved in stone - nothing we do can ever change the past. All we can do is learn from the past, and teach ourselves to be better people from it. Learn from your mistakes, and reinforce yourself for the future.

The future is an enigmatic thing. You never know what tomorrow will bring. The only thing you can do is steel yourself today as best you can, so you can be prepared for the potential challenges of tomorrow. Who knows - maybe everything will go perfectly according to plan? If that's the case, at least you were prepared for the worst. And if the worst happens, well, at least you were prepared for the worst. =)

"Yesterday is history, and tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift - that is why it is called the 'present'." - Oogway, wise kung-fu master and turtle.

[Tokoz]

This may just sound like self absorbed bullshit compared to the other people, but screw it, It's late enough I don't care.
I'm homeschooled, junior year in HS, 3rd year of homeschool. Have friends in regular school and homeschool, fence, run track, have parents that actually listen to me, it doesn't seem bad.

Yet for some reason, I constantly feel like a tiger pacing in a cage. Not just confined, angry. I'm extremely calm most of the time, usually blow stuff off, or make some sarcastic quip. Yet when no one else is around, I feel like I want to rip someone's limbs off, laughing all the while. I get so enraged it almost hurts. Even when nothing particularly angering has happened recently. Honestly, it scares me a bit, because in 7th grade, I actually got really angry at a kid, and.. Nothing. Can't remember a damn thing for about 15 minutes. The stories I heard vary, but this is what I can place.
I threw the kid, who was a year older than me and at least 2 in hes taller (and I am no athlete. Skinny as a bone, little to no upper body. I'm a runner.) across the hall into a wall, after apparently telling him something that made him pee himself. This I saw the aftereffects of. I then was charging at him like a madman, growling or snarling, though that might be an exaggeration. I got suspended for a week, and after that, the bullies left me the hell alone.
A couple people say something happened to the Scout troop's older , generally acknowledged ass, but he stayed out of my reach. Again, not a thing can I recollect.

Honestly, It scares the hell out of me now. I don't even really want to get romantically involved at all because I worry ejat will happen If I just snap one day. The second time, someone told me I was literally frothing at the mouth, crying, howling with rage, and went for a knife.

[Via]

This may just sound like self absorbed bullshit compared to the other people, but screw it, It's late enough I don't care.
I'm homeschooled, junior year in HS, 3rd year of homeschool. Have friends in regular school and homeschool, fence, run track, have parents that actually listen to me, it doesn't seem bad.

Yet for some reason, I constantly feel like a tiger pacing in a cage. Not just confined, angry. I'm extremely calm most of the time, usually blow stuff off, or make some sarcastic quip. Yet when no one else is around, I feel like I want to rip someone's limbs off, laughing all the while. I get so enraged it almost hurts. Even when nothing particularly angering has happened recently. Honestly, it scares me a bit, because in 7th grade, I actually got really angry at a kid, and.. Nothing. Can't remember a damn thing for about 15 minutes. The stories I heard vary, but this is what I can place.
I threw the kid, who was a year older than me and at least 2 in hes taller (and I am no athlete. Skinny as a bone, little to no upper body. I'm a runner.) across the hall into a wall, after apparently telling him something that made him pee himself. This I saw the aftereffects of. I then was charging at him like a madman, growling or snarling, though that might be an exaggeration. I got suspended for a week, and after that, the bullies left me the hell alone.
A couple people say something happened to the Scout troop's older , generally acknowledged ass, but he stayed out of my reach. Again, not a thing can I recollect.

Honestly, It scares the hell out of me now. I don't even really want to get romantically involved at all because I worry ejat will happen If I just snap one day. The second time, someone told me I was literally frothing at the mouth, crying, howling with rage, and went for a knife.

It's pretty hard to think about what to say in this kind of case. You feel angry, but there must be a reason for anger. It simply cannot appear out of nowhere and take control of yourself, just like that.

But before saying anything like "go to the damn psychologist already", I would like to ask you if you have actually talked about this matter with somebody, or seeked help from someone that might be close to you. It usually helps make things clearer, or at least make you at ease by knowing that you told someone about your problems.

[Gandara]

I constantly feel like a tiger pacing in a cage.

Welcome to Hanako's Broken Heart Club, Tokoz.

Hmm... well, from your story it seems like you might have some latent rage issues. (lol perceptive of me amirite?)

There's several possible reasons, and several possible outlets. Typically, people exert emotional stress in different ways. Some people cry, some people are depressed, some people shrug it off. Then there are people who bottle everything up inside - essentially building pressure in a steam valve until something pops. It can be a minor event that sets off the release, or a major one - but the results can be explosive in various ways - hysteria, manic weeping, or in your case, extreme rage.

As for suggestions, consider taking up some activities to release steam. Exercise is a good start, and physical contact exercise can be a useful outlet; I'm talking punching bags. Sometimes you just gotta wail on something, and a punching bag won't get hurt or call the cops on you. Also, and I apologize for this being an embarrassing question, but do you masturbate? YOU DON'T NEED TO ANSWER. But, sexual release can be an excellent cooldown mechanism.

Another suggestion might simply be to try to isolate what it is that's making you feel so anxious. Perhaps something's going on in your life that, without your knowing, is causing an undue amount of stress. While you might not be able to remove the stress factor, identifying it will lead you to options for reducing the stress inflicted by the culprit.

And, of course, there's the catch-all of seeking professional help. It doesn't sound like anything -terrible- has happened with your anger yet, but you talked about blacking out and going for weapons. This can be extremely dangerous not just to other people, but potentially to yourself. Any time something causes you to black out or lose memory it is a humongous warning sign. I'm not saying you need to go to a psychologist RIGHT NOW, but please be very cautious and if your condition worsens I strongly recommend you consider this avenue.

I really feel like I need to put this disclaimer as well: I am NOT a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist. I am simply providing advice and insight that may help you. Please use your own discretion and, if need be, seek true professional help. I want to help, but recognize that I'm no shrink.

If you have any other questions or concerns, or just need some more help, feel free to hang out in HBHC. We're all friends here. =)

And best of luck to you.

[Tokoz]

Heh. I find it ironic that I actually want to be a pyschologist. There's another thing though. My ten year old brother has a ... Similar. Issue.. And he doesn't handle it quite as well. He gets mad about literally nothing at all quite a lot, and while he cools down quickly, he can get pretty angry quite often.It's being dealt with, but w/e. I can honestly say, I have thought about it for almost 2 years now. Apart from the near constant restlessness, nothing comes to mind as fuel for this beserker attitude. Although. Heh, I am Celtic. Maybe it's genetic, I'm just a beserker.

*sigh* all jokes aside, I just kind if shove it and anything else that bothers me into a vault in my head and chain it shut most of the time.

Thanks for the advice. Answering in order,
That's the odd thing. Can't figure out anything. Life just seems confining.
The blackouts happened twice, about 4 1/2 and 3 years ago, so my concern about that is low.
The *cough* more personal question, I did try once, but other than occasional fantasies I never really feel aroused, and usually just deal with it by running.

And I kinda figured on the pyschologist thing. But thanks anyway.