An Emotional Night.. (Hanako and Hisao)

[ArazelEternal]

I stood there, after her onslaught. I realized that she was indeed right. I had treated her as just a broken person. Lilly was just as much at fault as I was. Hanako just made that very clear. However, I had to save this somehow. I dont want to loose her like this. I love Hanako...and loosing her to a misunderstanding would be more than I could handle...

I look at Hanako who is still raging. Her face is lit up and taut with anger. How could I blame her? We didnt treat her as a friend, we treated her as someone who was broken and needed help. "I know Im broken, I know I need help, I dont need you to tell me that!"...Those words of hers still ring loudly in my head. She was right, however...

"Get out! GET OUT OF MY ROOM, HISAO!" She screams. I look at Hanako, and look right into her raging, hateful eyes. Im afraid that in this intense state, she might throw something at me, or hit me. And with my condition, even someone like her could kill me with a blow to the chest. However I have to say this, even if it is a last ditch effort to save our friendship.

I close my eyes and clench my fists, gathering up the last bit or courage I have. Even if this doesnt work, I will at least know that I tried.

"So.....thats it? This is how things end? Between me, you, and Lilly? Look, I realize the way we treated you wasnt right. We treated you like a broken person, someone who needed help and couldnt do anything on her own. Someone who couldnt even be herself. But god dammit Hanako, we tried!" I start yelling in return, even if it is only for a moment. "We did what we thought was right! We did what we thought was best to help you, our friend! And you turn around just now and throw it all away!? Just like that!? As if it didnt even matter!?" I get more angry with her than I thought I would. I feel bad, but I need to get this off my chest, and my emotions are going with it. "You could have told us we were doing something wrong! You could have let us know so it wouldnt go this far! You wouldnt have had to explode...and cause us both to feel like we failed." I tell her, my voice calming down and loosing its edge. "But....I guess its done now.....isnt it?" I tell her that last, and look at her hard for a few moments before heading back to my own dorm room.

I walk back to my dorm room. On one hand, I am deeply upset with myself for not realizing earlier that the way both Lilly and I were treating her was causing her to feel even worse about herself, and only drive her into herself even more, and that it could drive her to this. On the other hand, I am very upset with her that she couldnt voice her consternation to us before things got this bad, and exploded in the manner that it did. I walk into my dorm room and flop down on my bed, quietly going over everyhing that happened in my head. As the cold realization that I may lose her completely hits me, the tears come, and I cant hold them back. "No.....Hanako.....I lost her.....and its my fault..."

A few hours later...

It.....would seem that I had cried myself to sleep. I look outside and notice that the sun had gone down and the moon had risen. I wipe my face and sit up on my bed. "Damn..." I sigh deeply and cover my face with my right hand. The images and words frome earlier come right to the front of my mind. Soon after I start playing things back in my mind, I hear a knocking on the door. I look at the clock, and realize there is still an hour and a half till curfew. I wipe my face again, then stand and open the door. I stand speachless as I see who is at the door. Hanako.....

I look at her as she stares back at me with wet eyes and a blushing face. "Hisao...." She mutteres before practically diving into me and pulling me into a tight embrace. Im so stunned by this turn around that my body petrifies for a moment. When I finally realize whats happened, I look at her, getting a view of just her hair and back. As my other senses come back from overload, I realize her body is shaking against mine with her sobbing, and she is trying to speak to me. "I-I'm s-sorry....Im sorry..." She said between her sobs. "I-I didnt want things to end like that...."

After a moment, I regain my voice, though it barely works. I have to use every bit of concentration and strength to get words out. "B....but with what you said....and the way you reacted....I thought....you hated me...."

"I dont hate you!" She cries out with surprising conviction. "I...never hated you....the way you and Lilly were treating me....w-was f-frusterating. Y-you never let me try.....or b-be myself...it was if....was if I was helpless....and c-couldnt do any t-thing for...m-myself....because you never let me...." She cried hard into my shoulder. "I wanted to let you know....but I couldnt....I didnt know how to tell you without hurting you or Lilly.....and it just....exploded because it got to be too much to handle...."

I listen to Hanakos explanation as well, and calmly as I could. I understand now. She wanted to do things for herself, but with the way Lilly and I treated her....like a helpless child, she couldnt, and her irritation and anger built up until it came out all at once. One one hand it hurts incredibly because I know she is right, and on the other, I am glad she is telling me, even if it does hurt, because I understand her better now than I ever have before. I wrap my arms around her tightly and hold her shaking frame close to my own. "Hanako.....Im sorry...." was all I could say at the moment. Tears of sorrow and also relief find their way out as I hold her close. Right now, we were sharing our emotions, and our relief that neither one hated the other, that it was just a horrible misunderstanding, and that we were not going to lose one another.

After an indecernable amount of time, we find ourselves sitting upon my bed, holding eachother closely. I look down at Hanako who still has tears at the edges of her eyes. I smile softly and wipe them away gently. She opens her eyes and looks into my eyes for a moment, before turning her gaze to the far wall. "Im sorry.....Hisao...." She says quietly as she sits. "I am too, Hanako. I think we both have a bit to be sorry for....." I smile at her gently. "Niether of us are perfect and we both have made mistakes. We just have to learn to live life anyway."

I smile again, more genuinely this time. Maybe this is not the best time or place to say this, but I feel like I have to, even if to just get it off my chest. "Hanako....I....love you...." I say this as clearly and genuinely as I can. She looks up into my eyes with a blush covering her face. After she takes a few moments to process what I have just said, her face lights up with an adorable blush and smile, she returns my words. "I....l-love you too...H-Hisao.....Im....s-sorry..." She says these words with surprising conviction. I do what I can and kiss her gently, stopping her from going further. "Dont apologize, please." She looks up at me with her face still covered in a blush. She closes her eyes and leans in towards me for a kiss. I gladly oblige and lean in and kiss those lips gently.

We kiss for a moment and then break off. I look at her in the eyes for a moment before she connects our lips again, with a bit more heat this time. I feel the intensity of her kisses growing little by little as we kiss each other. I look down at her, suprised at her. I look into her eyes, and she smiles a bit, removing the ribbon around her collar of ther school uniform, and slowly opens the buttons of her blouse as I watch. As I am embarrased at her actions, the better side of me takes over for a moment. "H-hanako....are you sure...." I manage to ask her. As if she was trying to prove how forward she could be, she reaches up and presses her fingers against my lips, telling me to stay quiet.

After getting me to calm a bit, she removes her blouse completely, leaving her in a rather cute pink bra. She stand from the bed, and drops her skirt showing her matching and just as cute pink panties through her stockings. She reaches behind her back and unclasps her bra, letting it fall to the floor. Her blush glows brighter as she allows me to see her bare breasts. She procedes to stand before me, and lower both her stockings and undies all at once, revealing her lower half to me. She turns her back to me, and I notice all the scarring on her body, and just how extenisve it is, much worse on her back than her front. It covers her entire right side. It is most signifigant on her shoulder and buttock. "I....never imagined that your scarring extended so far..." I comment.

"It happened in the accident....as you can see the entire right side of my b-body was b-badly burned...." She looked up at me. "The.....o-only reason I survived was b-because my m-mother....covered me with her body....."

"Hanako....I had no idea....." I begin to say before she kisses my lips again with surprising conviction, to get me to shut up. She looks up at me with a rather cute smile and blush, as if to tell me that wasnt was she really wanted out of taking her uniform off.

After a moment, she sits down next to me on the bed. "I....w-wanted you to s-see me.....a-all of m-me...." She says, embarrased that she is exposing herself to me like this, but also glad to spend this time with me. She says that, but I cant help but feel there is another reason she is doing this.

I look at her, and look into her eyes. "Hanako...this isnt an apology.....is it?" I ask her. Hanako looks up at me for a moment before turning away. "N...no, its not. I-I wanted to s-show you t-that I do t-trust you..." So, I was wrong, but I am glad I was.

She leans in and kisses me deeply again, holding the kiss for some time before breaking off. She raises a hand and places it on my cheek, looking into my eyes. The next words out of her mouth are the last I expected for her. "Hisao...I....w-want to...make love to you...." My mouth hangs open for a moment in total surprise. Though I have no issue aquiescing to her.

I stand and face her, removing my clothing. She watches me as I do, a blush on her face and a cute shy smile. As I stand back up from dropping my boxers, I notice Hanako gasp at something. I notice her looking at the scar on my chest. I had never shown her my scar. She stands up and walks to me, placing her fingers gingerly on the jagged reminder of my condition. "That scar is there....because they had to operate on my heart after my heart attack." I tell her. I notice tears forming in her eyes. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. "DOnt worry....Im okay now...." She looks up at me and nods slowly. I kiss her gently, then move over to my bed. I glance at the door, making sure it is closed and locked before laying down.

I lay flat on my back and she moves over top of me. She gazes down at the most honest part of my body, a bright blush lighting up her face. She nervously raises herself up and places her entrance over me. With slight trepidation, she slowly and carefuly lowers herself onto me. I feel myself enter her body, her tightness nearly causing me to fire off upon entry. She tries her best to restrain a pained moan which is also reflected in her face. I look down at where we are connected and notice tiny streams of blood comeing from her privates. After a moment to gather herself, she starts moving on me again. Waves of pleasure flow through my body, my hands holding her hips gently as she rises and falls. I look up at her face, he moans soon enough becoming more pleasured than pained, making me feel just that much better. Her movements become less controlled and more erratic, obviously nearing her limit, and so am I. My body tenses up and I moan deeply thrusting up into her hips, fireing off inside her a few times as she moans sharply, coating me in her issue, our orgasms somehow perfectly timed with each others.

Hanako sits, still wrapped around me for a moment before lifting off of me and laying down on top of me. I wrap my arms around her and hold her gently, running my right hand lovingly through her hair and softly caressing her back. "I love you, Hanako...." I tell her gently and kiss her on her ear, the only place I could access. I feel something wet drip onto my left shoulder where her face is. I move so I can see her face, then I notice something that should not be there. Her face is stained with tears. Fearing that she was hurt somehow, I ask. "Hanako....are you hurt somehow?" She lifts her head up and shakes her head vehemently before laying it back on my shoulder. "I....lo-ove you...H-Hisao. So much....." Ah. Ive heard that this happens sometimes with women. The act, especially the first one induces such feelings of love and closeness that they come out in the form of tears. I smile, more warmly and genuinely than I thought I ever could and hold her close to my body, with my right hand still running through her long black hair and caressing her back, while my other keeps her close. Soon, her breathing settles down and become relaxed and soft. I look over to her face, and I notice that she has fallen fast asleep upon me. I smile again and kisses her ear again. "I love you, Hanako. I want to remain with you.....forever...."

[lolawesome]

Everything from the conflict to the denouement seems to happen waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too fast

[ArazelEternal]

I was afraid of that. But really its my first try and I knew it was going to be far from perfect. If I am going to get comments though, I would really like to get some constructive criticism and points on what I could have done differently.

[BlackRockHanako]

I was afraid of that. But really its my first try and I knew it was going to be far from perfect. If I am going to get comments though, I would really like to get some constructive criticism and points on what I could have done differently.

I think the main thing in terms of your writing is that different speakers need new lines. At one point I think they each talk twice in the same paragraph.

But it was a nice story, and I always figured that as dumb as he is, he could have salvaged that neutral/bad end somehow.

[Elcor]

Interesting to see Hisao's comments in this, not bad at all but like lolawesome commented it was rather fast.

[Brogurt]

Commenting as I read, let's do this shit.

loose, loosing

extra O's

I love Hanako

technically at that point he didn't, but I'll let that slide as far as reader interpretation goes

raging, hateful eyes. Im afraid that in this intense state

seems like purple prose to me

even someone like her could kill me with a blow to the chest

Hanako PUNCH!

"So... that's it? [...] dorm room.

The writing here is great, but hindered by how un-smoothly it read. If you were to separate the internal narratives from the dialogue with double breaks, it would be much better.

deeply upset [...] very upset

More purple. I'd axe the adjectives entirely and find a different word that's still synonymous with upset.

consternation

gross no, constipation wasn't actually what I was referencing. words like that are just unwieldy, and I can name several alternatives that I'd rather read

all those ellipses

If I were you I wouldn't ever use more than three in a row, and I'd have spaces between the words, and possibly have the words in different lines entirely. Either way, that overuse of dots isn't pleasing to these eyes of mine.

A few hours later...

Breaks the immersion quite a bit. The next line makes is clear what happened anyway, so you might just replace it with dots or asterisks or something that would be a suitable analogue for the "passing time" sequence

my mind [...] my mind

I might not have objected to this if "my head" wasn't an obvious choice to break the monotony. Among others, of course.

speachless

speechless

mutteres

mutters

turn around

turnaround is a word by itself, you know
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/turnaround

conviction

sounds a bit romantic, and not the lovey-dovey type of romantic either. it's like Hisao's getting the meaning behind the words before he has been able to describe the tone of the words, if that makes any sense

more typos and apostrophe usage

I'm gonna let you weed those out on your own

Tears of sorrow and also relief

the "also" makes me dislike this sentence, although I am certain that I would like it if there was no "also" in it

Right now, we were

AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

softly [...] gently [...] gently

what's the color of Hanako's hair and eyes?

She opens her eyes and looks into my eyes

I actually didn't catch this one right away, so I don't know how much of a right I have to complain about it, but you might want to look into changing it

pink bra

I don't think it was pink

undies

uhh...

conviction [...] conviction

you see, I think this word describes the motives more than it describes the action. I think you should shy away from using it, if at all possible

blush [...] blush [...] blush

I think something along the lines of "reddened cheeks" or "reddening cheeks" would do the prose some good in these situations

aquiescing

long words, man

the most honest part of my body

welp

her tightness nearly causing me to fire off upon entry

ppfffffffffttttttttthaha

pained moan

don't know if this falls under purple prose or not, but I think it read somewhat awkwardly

her issue

I don't think I've ever heard that euphemism before. And with good reason. See: Ezekiel 23:20

>the entire sex scene in one paragraph

it's like you're trying to say that it's not important, for better or worse

gently [...] gently [...] gently

come on bro



As a closing comment, we often get to see Hisao's thoughts in their most, for lack of a better word, "unadulterated" form in KS itself. What I mean by that is that something like

I glance at the door, making sure it is closed and locked before laying down.

Could also be reworded as

The door is locked... right?

I glance over it, just to make sure.

Yep. Alright, we're good.

where the "talking to myself" parts are both present and separate from the verbal descriptions. Barring that, the writing quality seemed to drop off near the end, and the other big problems I have already been over. The long words periodically thrown in, the purple prose, and the ellipses. I think it was an enjoyable read, but there's work to be done before it can be on the level of the other fanfictions you'll find around here.

[ArazelEternal]

I thank you for all your comments. It will give me something to go over and think about. Though I think it should be noted that Im not any kind of writer in the first place. I wrote this to show a way that I think Hisao could have remedied the situation between himself and Hanako. Anyway, it is nice that someone can leave some constructive criticism for me to build upon. I have a few other fanfics out there on other sites and some people are just cruel with their comments.

[lolawesome]

I wrote this to show a way that I think Hisao could have remedied the situation between himself and Hanako.

Honestly, it feels like it wasn't Hisao but Hanako ("Hey, I said I hated you a few hours ago, what I meant is I love you let's have sex") that's the catalyst for the happy ending (no pun intended).

[ArazelEternal]

I wrote this to show a way that I think Hisao could have remedied the situation between himself and Hanako.

Honestly, it feels like it wasn't Hisao but Hanako ("Hey, I said I hated you a few hours ago, what I meant is I love you let's have sex") that's the catalyst for the happy ending (no pun intended).

Well, it may have come across that way, but it is not what I intended. The sex that Hanako wanted here had the same intention that it did in her good ending, to show that she was someone that Hisao could have a relationship with. It was a situation where there was an emotional outpouring, then a make up afterwards, and I see that it didnt quite come out that way.

[lolawesome]

Well, it's your story, you have the right to tell it how you want to.

Aside from that, I think cleaning up the format regarding dialogue (as BlackRockHanako suggested) and to use a broader variety if synonyms to prevent redundancy (as Brogurt pointed out) would make for a more polished work.

[nemz]

If your objective was to resolve everything so quickly I actually think it would make more sense to extend the argument then transition directly to Hanako initiating angry sex.

[lolawesome]

Angry sex with Hanako?

Dammit, why is nothing happening when I'm throwing all my money at my computer monitor?

[griffon8]

I have a few other fanfics out there on other sites and some people are just cruel with their comments.

Yeah, I'm glad this is a forum where people are nice about comments. The exceptions I see are well deserved though.

(This fanfic is not an exception.)

[ArazelEternal]

I have a few other fanfics out there on other sites and some people are just cruel with their comments.

Yeah, I'm glad this is a forum where people are nice about comments. The exceptions I see are well deserved though.

(This fanfic is not an exception.)

Im sorry, but what do you mean by exceptions?

[griffon8]

Exceptions are made when the fanfic posted is particularly egregious, either for shitty writing, horrid editing, or the writer is trolling. You're not doing any of that.

Examples? Not for the faint of heart.

http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=2667
http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=2948
http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=6089