Former Sisterhood thread

[Fyzm]

Sup dude

Quickly scrolled through this thread after reading your story, so i'm sure you'll hear this for the millionth time, but i just had to make an account to express my gratitude towards your enormous effort here.

i enjoyed KS alot for its story, even though I'm not at all into the general culture it surrounds (terms like "waifu" make me physically cringe). That being said, i am quite susceptible to the feeling of void after experiencing a book or story that leaves me hanging abruptly, even when it ends well. In these situations i usually let my mind run loose for the next few days, imagining all sorts of continuation.

This is the first time, however, where i've started looking for fanfic after a story, as i was almost certain a game like this would have tons. Never expected something like this though.

I ran across sentences like "accepting it as canon" or something, and after looking it up, i realised that's exactly what i tend to do these kind of things. It only works when you've nailed the original atmosphere though, and that you've done brilliantly. Not only did it offer the acceptable and very natural closure i was looking for, but what with the insight into others' minds and a nice portion of drama of its very own, this is more than i could hope for.
Sure it sometimes feels as if the personalities waver from the original a bit, but that's only natural right? And what's more, i actually enjoyed your style of writing (context wise) more than i did the original. It's lighter on the descriptive parts but still offers a healthy amount of personal insight of the characters (something i feel the original author overdid quite a bit), only enhanced by your choice of including lilly and hanako into the writing subjects (seriously, i think you fucking nailed hanako's inner dialogue, and i'm not just saying that lightly).

Not much else to say really. I did notice a couple of posts where you implied a possible continuation. Seeing i am a true sucker for even continuations of continuations, i can only hope it'll one day become reality, although i realise it's unlikely seeing how much time has passed.

Anyway, thanks once more for the wonderful story and i wish you luck in future writing endeavours... God knows you clearly have a knack for it!

[Banryu]

Welp. Here it is. At least one of the reasons I actually registered on here, so's I could say something about it.

I find constructive criticism is more or less my way of speaking, but I hope that the emphasis here will be on the 'constructive' part.
First off, I will go ahead and echo everyone else in saying thank you for continuing Hanako's story, it was shorter than almost all the others and definitely warranted something further afterward (as I might argue all the stories did anyway). I think probably the most commendable thing about this particular piece of fan writing ('fanfiction' has an ugly feeling as it rolls off my tongue) is that you captured the personalities of all the characters herein extremely well; I think it's apparent that you understood each character, and wanted to keep it as true to the source as you could in terms of that, and that's definitely deserving of commendation.

Using other events from Katawa Shoujo was a very clever touch, though I think it ended up being almost as much a flaw as a strength at some parts. For instance, the moment when Hisao and Hanako are discussing how Hanako would act if Hisao and Lilly were dating felt out of place, and both characters' reactions not really correct. If I were Hanako in that situation, I'd immediately panic, thinking that maybe Hisao did have some feelings for Lilly after all-- but nope, she was cool with the extremely awkward analogy. Could have been easily averted by simply saying 'if Lilly had a boyfriend' instead of 'if Lilly and I were dating', and not a big deal on the whole. The only other moment that seemed particularly out of character to me was when the Nurse forced Hisao to expose his scratch marks. While that scene was funny and cleverly executed (the whole lungs VS heart stethoscope thing was cool), it doesn't seem to me that being that snoopish is entirely in the Nurse's character, though maybe my impression of him is off a little, I dunno.

As for the 'smut' scenes, I think they worked about as well as they did in the actual VN.
I actually feel somewhat inclined to criticize Chapter 9's scenes of intimacy, though... Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading them. I just have to wonder if I enjoyed reading them for the wrong reasons... Like KS itself and the rest of this epilogue, I think it was written well and significant to progressing the plot, though I can't help but wonder if it wasn't... perhaps... just a bit overindulgent. I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing; I think it's as decently written a sex scene as any I can think of having read, and it definitely has a sexy quality to it. I suppose I'm just questioning how fitting the particular activities performed within were fitting to the characters... It may just be a matter of my opinion, though.

The vast majority had me practically as equally engrossed in it as Hanako's actual route, which again is certainly commendable, but there's one issue with this story that I take with KS itself as well: the ending. Oh, it's not bad; on the contrary, it's extremely heartwarming and satisfying. The issue I have with it, and that I had with KS, is that while it resolves the emotional issues being developed, I don't get a feeling of finality and resolution from it. After finishing your epilogue, I was left wanting more just as much as I was when I finished Hanako's story-- I was right back to where I started before I even read this. And I don't mean to make this sound like such a bad thing; after all, leaving the reader wanting more is certainly the mark of excellent writing, but I think there's something to be said for the ability to tie a story up and leave it with a feeling of finality and closure... and that's something I really didn't get from either this story or KS. I suppose you could make the argument that it's not MEANT to feel like an ending, since these characters are doubtlessly going to move on and continue with their lives, that their story will continue to be told-- we just won't know it. If that was intentional on the part of KS' writers or yours, then I retract my criticism on this matter, but that's just how I feel about it.

All in all, fantastic work. I hope you have plans to move on and create your own stories, because I think you'd do well at it.



= = = = = = = =


....also, I like to listen to KS' soundtrack while reading this to further simulate the experience of reading it as if it were the game. =w=
I actually wanted to ask if you wouldn't mind inputting intended BGM for certain scenes. I think it'd certainly serve to enhance its emotional effect at least as well as it did with the actual game.

[Aliksander]

Thank you so much for this. This really ties up a lot of loose ends to my favorite route and even matches the style of story from KS, but doesn't have a finality that make my own imagination stop wondering what's to happen in the future (this is a good thing). This is just about perfect. I hope you don't mind I copy-pasted this (for my own personal use) and I intend to go through it again and add annotations for appropriate musical tracks from the KS soundtrack, and perhaps do some grammatical editing (there were a very few occasions where I think things were a little mis-worded). Do continue writing your own work, you have a talent for it.

[Guest Poster]

For instance, the moment when Hisao and Hanako are discussing how Hanako would act if Hisao and Lilly were dating felt out of place, and both characters' reactions not really correct. If I were Hanako in that situation, I'd immediately panic, thinking that maybe Hisao did have some feelings for Lilly after all-- but nope, she was cool with the extremely awkward analogy. Could have been easily averted by simply saying 'if Lilly had a boyfriend' instead of 'if Lilly and I were dating', and not a big deal on the whole.

Which part was that exactly? I'm having trouble pinning down the exact conversation you're referring to.

The only other moment that seemed particularly out of character to me was when the Nurse forced Hisao to expose his scratch marks. While that scene was funny and cleverly executed (the whole lungs VS heart stethoscope thing was cool), it doesn't seem to me that being that snoopish is entirely in the Nurse's character, though maybe my impression of him is off a little, I dunno.

In nurse's defense, with Hisao he has reason to be slightly more snoopish than usual because Hisao has a condition that, if something goes wrong, can be fatal. So it makes sense, if it appears Hisao is hiding something, to press on just a little bit. (seeing that Hisao isn't the most extraverted person to begin with) I figured it made sense for Nurse to give Hisao "the talk" since not only can that kind of activity lead to a cardiac episode under the wrong circumstances, but Hisao is also dating a girl now who'd react VERY badly to episodes like that...and both Hisao and Hanako are somewhat his responsibility while they're attending the school.

As for the 'smut' scenes, I think they worked about as well as they did in the actual VN.
I actually feel somewhat inclined to criticize Chapter 9's scenes of intimacy, though... Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading them. I just have to wonder if I enjoyed reading them for the wrong reasons... Like KS itself and the rest of this epilogue, I think it was written well and significant to progressing the plot, though I can't help but wonder if it wasn't... perhaps... just a bit overindulgent. I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing; I think it's as decently written a sex scene as any I can think of having read, and it definitely has a sexy quality to it. I suppose I'm just questioning how fitting the particular activities performed within were fitting to the characters... It may just be a matter of my opinion, though.

H-scenes were a lot more difficult to write than I expected. In fact, chapter 9 was the last chapter to be completed...at some point I just skipped to chapter 10, finished the rest and then came back here. I actually wondered if the actions in that chapter were or weren't appropriate, even though by that time Hisao and Hanako had more experience getting physically intimate with each other than at the end of Hanako's in-game arc. In the initial plotline overview, it was merely a normal massage to act as foreplay...the nuru-gel was eventually added as a way to emphasize the hangup Hisao still has about the possibility of hurting Hanako during intercourse, which is discussed during the chapter, so he was looking for a way to make it a special experience in the event of Hanako still being queasy about penetrative sex. (and also works around the fact that Hanako's body moves "oddly" during intercourse due to her scarred side being slightly less flexible) In the end, it wasn't really meant to be extremely kinky, more a bit awkward and eventually a good experience once they got used to it.

The vast majority had me practically as equally engrossed in it as Hanako's actual route, which again is certainly commendable, but there's one issue with this story that I take with KS itself as well: the ending. Oh, it's not bad; on the contrary, it's extremely heartwarming and satisfying. The issue I have with it, and that I had with KS, is that while it resolves the emotional issues being developed, I don't get a feeling of finality and resolution from it. After finishing your epilogue, I was left wanting more just as much as I was when I finished Hanako's story-- I was right back to where I started before I even read this. And I don't mean to make this sound like such a bad thing; after all, leaving the reader wanting more is certainly the mark of excellent writing, but I think there's something to be said for the ability to tie a story up and leave it with a feeling of finality and closure... and that's something I really didn't get from either this story or KS. I suppose you could make the argument that it's not MEANT to feel like an ending, since these characters are doubtlessly going to move on and continue with their lives, that their story will continue to be told-- we just won't know it. If that was intentional on the part of KS' writers or yours, then I retract my criticism on this matter, but that's just how I feel about it.

Well, the story does end with several other things on the horizon...Hanako's first responder's training and the trio's upcoming trip to Scotland among them. But I hope you understand why I didn't include those...they're entirely different stories in their own right. What the final chapter was meant to do was tie up the existing conflicts and afterwards a slightly better version of the old status quo would be restored with Hisao and Hanako dating and Lilly being Hanako's faithful best friend. The only way for me to truly create a sense of finality would be to have the three of them step on a plane to Scotland and have said plane crash, killing everyone. In all other circumstances, people would still wonder what'd happen afterwards, but those "loose ends" were kept loose because they existed out of the scope of the main plotline.

....also, I like to listen to KS' soundtrack while reading this to further simulate the experience of reading it as if it were the game. =w=
I actually wanted to ask if you wouldn't mind inputting intended BGM for certain scenes. I think it'd certainly serve to enhance its emotional effect at least as well as it did with the actual game.

I never had specific pieces in mind for specific scenes, though obviously a piece like Hokabi would not be played during some of the more dramatic parts. I don't think I'd just be able to conjure that kind of list out of my sleeve, so I can't really promise anything like that at this point.

[Hisao&Hanako<3]

Ha, so other people were doing that too, I see. I was also loading up whichever KS music I felt appropriate for the scene I was reading. The music makes it a lot more powerful for me. I suppose people can just conjure up their own lists cause people will have different preferences.

[ShiRo7188]

Remember when I stated that I want to programme this fanfic of yours ?

So...I just registered for you !

I want you to know that this fanfiction is the best story (and no, not only epilogue) i have ever read in my entire life...I'm pretty sure it will stay this way..I'm a guy who usually doesn't lets out tears...not that i don't want to ...somehow i just can't manage to bring myself...something you accomplished more than only once! I hank you for your work ...I thank for this game(visual novel) however you call it... I'm looking forward to create this story to ...hmm let's call it a continue to the hanako and lilly story...in the same way like the game usually intends to ...without probably the choosing parts of the game... but only if you allow me to do so... unfortunately if even so that i could recieve your agreement ...It'll have to wait a few years...a long time...cause I'm only at the beginning of my programming carrer...but this will definetly my most looked forward to goal!!! I am deeply thankful for achieving this goal and having read this story... i'll hope you'll doing this kind of your profession so i can buy your work as soon as possible

I just downloaded Ren'py, and I am now reading on how everything works and try to put out a sample VN ...
(anything without a story behind it... to get myself used to it).
Then when I feel that I am convinced enough to try the real deal, I want to use this fanfic but only if it is okay for you.
Also, I want to ask suriko, if he and 4LS is okay with my idea of using their layout/style also their charachters and backgrounds to programme this VN.
If it all works out as I hope this fanfic is made into a VN looking just like KS
Oh... and I'll ask cpl_crud too, for it is his writing that made hanako's path possible.

Please reply to this ...it would mean me alot

[Mirage_GSM]

Also, I want to ask suriko, if he and 4LS is okay with my idea of using their layout/style also their charachters and backgrounds to programme this VN.

3. You may not alter the game, nor make your own derivative work that builds on it. Specifically, we have a dislike for reverse engineering the game to extract the music, art or scripts, which is in breach of this license.

[Guest Poster]

As Mirage_GSM pointed out, Fanfics are tolerated here, but fangames aren't allowed. I'm flattered, but KS's license is pretty clear.

[ShiRo7188]

Okay. So I guess that's it for me then.
Sorry for wasting all of your time...

But I still might ask him. I think it didn't ever hurt to ask. And maybe. Even if the chance is almost zero. Maybe Suriko will allow it. It would be just great.
If he won't allow me to do it. Then I guess I'll make it just for myself and my own usage only... as long as it's private he can't say anything against it, I think. But if Suriko is also against that then I have to delete everything I got for preparations.

[Mirage_GSM]

AfaIr the devs never objected to any fan-project so far as long as you
a) do not use any of the VN's assets (sprites, CGs, music etc.)
b) do not claim that your work is in any way connected to 4LS and
c) do not try to make money from it

You should still ask, but if you follow these rules you should be able to get permission.

[Guest Poster]

Of course, since he's not allowed to extract anything, he won't be able to use the existing backgrounds, character sprites or music. (meaning every asset would have to be created from scratch) That's a major obstacle if you're only a programmer and not also head of a dedicated art team.

[pandaphil]

What might be enjoyable is to go through the story and add music cues. So readers could play a particular piece of music from the soundtrack in the background during certain scenes.

[Guest Poster]

If it's a music cue list you need, here's one I personally suggest. I don't think I'd put it into the story though since it might distract from those who just want to read.

I'm taking this one down ahead of schedule. It's no longer necessary anyway.

[pandaphil]

Aww, that's really cool. Thanks!

[neio]

(Music cues)
It wouldn't take much effort to put this into a webpage with some javascript to handle playing different sounds as you scrolled down the page. document.scrollTop, embed, and all that jazz.
Alternatively, it could be several webpages, each with their own soundtrack.

It's a far cry from making a VN out of the thing, but it would be easy to implement, and I feel the music really added a lot to Katawa Shoujo. I had some of the KS music playing while I read this epilogue.

(OP)
That "movie adaption" wouldn't happen to be Life of Pi?

Oh, also... don't know if you want concrit or editing. There's a few typo's I'd point out, but for the most part the grammar was well done.
Poor grammar tends to ruin stories for me because it jolts me out of the story and ends my suspension of disbelief.

Short concrit (I have more if you're interested; not everyone likes concrit):
I'm not a fan of the "if my whole life were a visual novel..." part. Again, it's kind of jolting and kills the suspension of disbelief.

Praise:
This was a well written story! I found it very enjoyable and, for the most part, realistic. You handled the characterization quite well, and the transition from canon to this epilogue was smooth. The symbolism added depth to the story. Also, the writing of the H-scenes was similar to the original, if a bit long.

You have a real talent for writing, and posting everything at once was, in my opinion, a good idea.

I encourage you to write more.