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The narration style for this piece was actually inspired by Slaughterhouse-Five , which is also referenced in the first two lines:

Listen:
Rin Tezuka has come unstuck in thought.


Slaughterhouse-Five actually does have a narrator; it technically uses first-person narration the whole way through ...

I wrote a little thing about Rin.

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[ Everything, Nothing, Red, and Green ]

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Listen:
Rin Tezuka has become unstuck in thought.

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There’s a mural. It’s white, and red, and the color of the sea, and the color of thought, and the color of that feeling you get when you wake up and have no ...

Hi, and from one newbie to another: welcome!

It seems pretty short at first, but the length works pretty well, given that this is pretty much only describes a moment.
Your poetic and introspective writing style is very nice, and it seems to fit a mature Hanako very well.

There are a few parts ...

As for things that stuck out to me:
- One thing the VN never claimed Hisao's condition to be was "progressive". In fact it's explicitly stated that it isn't.
- Performing heart surgery while the patient is awake is something I've never heard of before.

First off: thanks for the detailed critique ...

[ Epilogue: Survival ]

It’s been twelve years since my first heart attack.

I’m back in my home city with my wife, visiting my parents. It’s a long weekend, for both me and my students at Yamaku.

It’s a cold February morning, and everywhere I look, stark white snow covers everything: the ...

Act 0: Deterioration

http://i.imgur.com/gvHySHZl.png
(Artwork courtesy of my sister.)


This pseudo-Act covers Hisao’s time in the hospital, from his admission to his discharge (and a small bit beyond).

It’s first purpose is to probe deeply into Hisao’s condition, reconcile what we see in ...

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Damn. That was a really intense read. Your portrayal of the KS characters was very good and description of all the medical knowledge makes me think you know a thing or two :wink:
'Intense' was definitely what I was going for; it's been a while since I've last ...

A Call to Yamaku
When minutes matter.

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I stare at the mess below me, my face contorted in concentration.
Time is of the essence, but… one false move, one mistake, could lead to utter disaster.

I ...

Link to the latest released stuff.

Index:

One Little Day (this post, below) - When everything goes wrong.
A Call to Yamaku - When minutes matter. Companion piece to One Little Day.
Act 0: Deterioration - A small little prequel Act about Hisao's hospitalization and condition.
Everything ...