Search found 12 matches

by greenhawk
Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:57 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship

i find story okay but moving too fast. Will continue reading. It is improving. Noted, I will consider the current pace of the story and will consider whether or not it's alright. Well, so far there's not much story to go on. You introduced a few characters but none of them got more than one or two ...
by greenhawk
Sat Dec 31, 2016 2:41 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 2 (or: The Ceremony)

Grammarwise this is better than the previous chapters. You still do the thing with Internal monologue from one character being on the paragraph of another character's lines, though. Interesting fact: Most Japanese restaurants offer English language menus if you ask them for it. The internal ...
by greenhawk
Fri Dec 30, 2016 7:50 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 3 (or: Food, food, food)

One more chapter! ==================== Colonel Abrams is shaped like a typical American diner- You can eat at the bar or in the small red booths, the music is all-American and the few customers around look happy with their large meals. Pictures of local celebrities are on the walls. “Welcome to C ...
by greenhawk
Mon Dec 26, 2016 12:16 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 2 (or: The Ceremony)

Mirage_GSM wrote:I have no idea what you mean - he was chosen for his English skills, wasn't he?

Oh well, nvm...
He was chosen for his reading skills.
by greenhawk
Mon Dec 26, 2016 8:08 am
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 2 (or: The Ceremony)

Yes, that much was obvious from the chapter. But what kind of ceremony would require an english text to be read out? A Ceremony in either an English talking country or institute... Which is NOT the ceremony that was presented in the chapter. The ceremony in this chapter was in Japanese and there ...
by greenhawk
Sun Dec 25, 2016 12:54 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 2 (or: The Ceremony)

Mirage_GSM wrote:Might have been interesting to know just what kind of ceremony necessitated a text being read in English...
He read a text he has never read before (which has also happened to be in English) flawlessly. Satomi, needing a last minute replacement, had just the right guy for the mission.
by greenhawk
Sat Dec 24, 2016 4:32 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 2 (or: The Ceremony)

Help? No, why should it? Thought it would distinguish one from another. Oh well. By the way, I sorta like our relationship as "a writer and his only critic". It's quite (in a platonic way) intimate and surprisingly helping. I am sure that by the end of the story, I'll make it even lovelier for you ...
by greenhawk
Wed Dec 21, 2016 2:38 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 1 (or: Introducing myself)

First of all- thank you for correcting me. I hope my English will be better by the time I finish the story. Now, let's get down to business, shall we? Regarding the colors: In this case the colors really did confuse me. You had his inner monologue on the same paragraph as the girl's line, (something ...
by greenhawk
Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:42 am
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 0 (or: How did I get here again?)

Don~t overdo the culture clash thing. If I read the part so far correctly your character was born and raised in Japan, so there shouldn't be any issues regarding language and writing. That's my main gripe with the usual "western exchange student" and it shouldn't be an issue here, so I didn't ...
by greenhawk
Mon Dec 19, 2016 2:51 am
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 0 (or: How did I get here again?)

I'm going to be a bit rough on you here. No offense is meant and it's nothing personal. Ain't taken. No. There are NOT things I need to know before I start the story. That's the job of the story, to tell me things. Thought a few things will allow me to make things clear. In a retrospect, it wasn't ...
by greenhawk
Mon Dec 19, 2016 12:24 am
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

Re: New Flames- Chapter 0 (or: How did I get here again?)

Apart from the beginning seeming VERY similar to the VN - especially the friends who visit for a few days and stop and the parents wiling to sell the house seem familiar - there's nothing much to complain about in this short bit. Except for the tenses... Those need some work and more than would be ...
by greenhawk
Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:52 pm
Forum: Fan Fiction
Topic: New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)
Replies: 23
Views: 11766

New Flames- Chapter 4 (or: more food for more friendship)

Hello everyone! As a (sorta) rookie, I am ready to post some decent work! Before you start, there are a few things to know about this story : - This is a NEW story. There will be little to no characters from the original game. I write it so nobody will say "why is [character] not here?" - I have ...