Katawa Shoujo Forums

I quite liked this, Molly intrigued me the first time I saw the class photo and I'm glad that someone is doing something with her.. Even though there's probably something else already... (I haven't really looked!)

Also, while it's sort of permissible with Hisao, our generic protagonist, there's a ...

A few typos still here and there, but I guess you fixed most of what brythain mentioned. Of those that are left, let me just mention this one:
Whose there?
"Who's there?"


Thanks for noticing that, fixed it :)

from Hisao's perspective no less! I haven't seen a lot of those.

Anyway as was ...

but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment.
Where do you think I could improve?
Punctuation, checking your text for caps/no-caps, spacing your paras, no unnecessary breaks, checking typos, things like that.
From the beginning, seeing you spell 'separation ...

brythain wrote: but the layout and editing are a little dubious, which reduces one's enjoyment.

Where do you think I could improve?

I finally finished the first chapter of my first ever FanFic :D

I'm not too sure about this chapter, but I still hope that you guys like it.
Will try to get the next chapter out within a fortnight.

Any Comments/Feedback would be lovely.

Without further ado, enjoy the chapter ...

One thing that felt wrong about this chapter was the running. This is Hanako arc Hisao, and I don't think he'd feel any urge to run to clear his head - not to mention that doing so after havin an almost-heart attack is not well-advised at all.
Hanako-arc Hisao would proably rather drown himself ...

As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Heh, dang, I thought it would be Hisao x Emi, Kenji x Hanako...

Maybe ;) no spoilers. But I'd like to make it long. Not a sisterhood type long but longer then most ...

Um, thought I'd mention this,there's already a Hanako BE epilogue called Reconciliation , by Robonymous.
You might want to change the name, there :P .

As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Either way, you ...

Her words hit me like I had run face first into a cement wall at 100 kph,


Supper nit-picky I know. But I feel like that sentence would work better if you dropped the "Like I had run" bit, since it's her words hitting him.

Yeah, Maybe that's just me.

Overall good, some issues with your ...

Decided for the first time to try my hand at writing a Fan Fiction

And here is just a little teaser of the first chapter.

Any criticism and/or feedback would be greatly appreciated, seeing as
1. I'm a terrible writer, and
2. I'm trying to improve

Oh, and also my grammar is terrible ...

Brilliant read. Completely different to what I would normally read, but it had me captivated and was set in this weird 'God like control' over the world.

All in all I enjoyed it

Well done to Fardel and keep up the good work

9/10

Had to make a account to reply to this,

As someone who only recently got into playing Visual Novels, (if my heart had wings and KS) once i played Hanako's route i felt an immediate connection to her and was a little dissappointed when the route ended with Hanako and Hisao only just getting into a ...