Katawa Shoujo Forums

Your formatting is just ... weird. I don't know if that's was something you were trying for to make it seem more Rin-like, but then you continued it when it switched over to Hisao's narration. It just feels awkward and somewhat disorienting. You can have characters speaking and descriptions in the ...

I'm redoing the original. Thank you for the comment about tenses, I've been trying to work on it. It's hard to word somethings sometimes. Was there any thing in particular you liked or didn't like?

December 25th "Rin." "Rin!" I mumble. "Rin, it's Christmas!" "Okay." I crawl lower in the covers. I'm still tired. Can't we wait a bit? "Rin, get up!" Fine. If it's this important Hisao. I slowly sit up in the bed and the cover falls onto my lap. "I'm gonna go ahead and wait outside okay?" "Okay ...

December 24th Hisao's still here. I woke up, but I don't want to move. My face feels hot. It's warm. I wonder when he pulled the covers over us. I look up slowly to see if Hisao's still asleep. "Morning, Rin" My face feels hot. I think it's because of last night. "Still tired." I press my body ...

December 23rd He's still sleeping. I'm not feeling any better. I think it's been a few hours. I need to paint. That usually helps. I slowly get out of bed and look around for something to wear. I pull a pair of panties out of the dresser and slowly put them on. It's hard to do it without making ...

December 22nd He's gone. I guess he had work today. The room is really cold. Maybe I should put some clothes on. Then I can paint until he gets back. I want to spend more time with him. ------ "Emi?" "Rin?! I didn't expect you to call me! How are you?" "Okay. I need to talk about Hisao." "Did ...

December 20th Why does my back hurt? Oh, I slept on the couch last night. I shouldn't do that anymore. It always makes my back hurt. I wonder if Hisao's back hurts? I think I'll start painting. I couldn't yesterday. I really need to today. ----- My back is killing me! I really should have let Rin ...

December 19th "Rin, are you ready for your exhibit tomorrow?" Oh it's time for one of those. I don't like them. They take a long time. I can't paint. People ask me a lot of questions. It's not as bad as it was a long time ago. Hisao makes them better. He answers questions for me. He stays with me ...

December 17th "I'm heading out Rin. If you start to feel bad again, call me, okay? I'll come right back." Hisao is leaving. I think he works today. I don't want to go anywhere. I haven't painted in a long time. I'm just going to paint today. ------ "Rin? It's getting dark out. You should eat ...

December 16th My body is really heavy. I think its lighter though. It was worse yesterday. I don't think I can paint today. My legs are heavy. I want to paint. I need to sleep though. I'm not tired. My throat hurts. It's really dry. "Rin, are you up?" Hisao's calling me. I guess I can't sleep. "Yes ...

December 15th "Rin, lunch is ready." Oh, I guess I haven't ate today. I put down my brush. Hisao doesn't like when I go too long without eating. I look to the kitchen from my chair. He makes new things a lot. I wonder what he made this time. It smells really spicy. I like spicy things sometimes. But ...

This is my first post. I understand I should post 100 lines each so I'll try my best. I'll try to edit if it messes it up. Also any advice or comments or questions are appreciated. If you prefer the pastebin version: http://pastebin.com/XpKq6cru Background: The following story is a sequel to another ...