Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[insert_name_here92]

There was once a girl in high school who was quite high up on the social strata, much higher than I was, at least. She was, and still remains, a cool, charming, attractive, and altogether great person to be around. By some circumstance, we wound up being friends. The more I talked to her, the more I realized we had much in common. She was into anime and manga, had Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Amelie as some of her favorite movies, and even loved The Room as much as I did! I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I slowly found myself smitten by her.

One day I eventually invited her and a friend to the movies, hoping that if it were a success, that I could maybe ask her out to dinner in the future. I found her outside the theater, both of us still waiting for our mutual friend to show up. Wanting to take my mind off of the cold weather and learn a little more about her, I began to make small-talk. Just asking how life was treating her and so forth.

She said that she was doing fine, and that she and her girlfriend were both doing quite well.

Oh, I thought. Well, I'm an idiot. Despite my initial heartbreak, I could only thank the maker that I didn't confess my feelings to her. Fortunately, I'm still friends with her, but at the time, I felt betrayed by my own feelings, and was pissed off at myself for not seeing the obvious.

EDIT: I found a song that encapsulates my feelings perfectly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsVyBHJrNQw

[Beoran]

insert_name_here_92, thanks for your story.

I'd say there's nothing wrong about your feelings. I once was attracted a bit to a lady who was very friendly to me, but forgot to mention she had a fiancee. Anyway, such misunderstandings happen, actually quite often I think, and there's no reason to blame yourself for it. Sometimes, some things just don't come up into a conversation. Also, she may not have wanted to tell you she's got a girlfriend until she was sure she could trust you. Anyway, I'm glad you are still friends, and I hope you will find someone who's even better for you and who will love you.

[insert_name_here92]

insert_name_here_92, thanks for your story.

I'd say there's nothing wrong about your feelings. I once was attracted a bit to a lady who was very friendly to me, but forgot to mention she had a fiancee. Anyway, such misunderstandings happen, actually quite often I think, and there's no reason to blame yourself for it. Sometimes, some things just don't come up into a conversation. Also, she may not have wanted to tell you she's got a girlfriend until she was sure she could trust you. Anyway, I'm glad you are still friends, and I hope you will find someone who's even better for you and who will love you.

I appreciate the sentiment, Beoran. I know that it doesn't mean much from an anonymous stranger on the Internet, but I think you're a good person.

[yummines]

"How lonely must this girl be to make up a game like this?"

I felt a little sad after reading that, cause that's pretty much what i do. i avoid stepping on cracks, often counting how many sidewalk cracks i passed on one foot and try to make it even on both feet.

as for me, well the first girl i felt like i truly loved turned out she lied about everything as a sort of experiment or game. the first girl i kissed turns out she had a boyfriend, but didn't even tell me, i had to first listen to them screw before i figured it out.

I have to say though playing KS makes me kind of want to try harder at achieving my own happiness, instead of just sulking and melting in a pot of h-manga and video games.

[Alexbond45]

I've never experienced girl problems
REASON: I've never been in a relationship, yeah.

But, Anyway I would recommend spending time with friends to deviate sulking, instead of holing up in places.

I usually don't sulk though, Generally, I wish for things to happen or Anxiety (EX: I wish marching band would start up again! Argh! The wait is intolerable!!)

All of my problems revolve around stupid things, My only REAL problem is my lack of focus and my Procrastination habit, which appears to be slowly breaking due to effort on my part.

ADD Is a pain in the ass, It's also good, because i think differently. The Lack of Focus is a major downside though, I can barely even stand still without blanking out, unless I divert a lot of brain power to it, I'll either blank out or start humming. This is why I always prefer to walk and talk instead of stand an listen.

[Camoufrage]

All of my problems revolve around stupid things, My only REAL problem is my lack of focus and my Procrastination habit, which appears to be slowly breaking due to effort on my part.

Keep working on it. When I was in school I had problems with concentrating, but by the end I was a straight-A student with a good future. You should try to be that way too!

as for me, well the first girl i felt like i truly loved turned out she lied about everything as a sort of experiment or game. the first girl i kissed turns out she had a boyfriend, but didn't even tell me, i had to first listen to them screw before i figured it out.

Harsh, how did you end up coping with that?

I have to say though playing KS makes me kind of want to try harder at achieving my own happiness, instead of just sulking and melting in a pot of h-manga and video games.

Thats the way to live.... let things come to you, ESPECIALLY girls and things will go well for you in the end. If you just run around trying really hard to find a girl you wont, its just the truth.

She said that she was doing fine, and that she and her girlfriend were both doing quite well.

Finding out that the girl you like is a lesbian is a very hard thing to deal with. I kinda liked a girl in my freshman year that I found out was a lesbian. I was just greatful that I didnt get too attached.

[Exbando]

I wish marching band would start up again! Argh! The wait is intolerable!!

I'm not sure if your band is competitive, but does your school have indoor drumline? My school did, and they let the wind instrument players participate as well (but they played cymbals). In case you're wondering, this was one of the shows I was in. I won't tell you which one is me, though...

As for all of the girl trouble that's being posted right now, don't ask me. I still haven't talked to the girl that I have a crush on that I mentioned so long ago.

[LunarKnite]

Man, girl problems. There was this girl in high school I liked all four years of it, and even for another 2 years into college. But it was silly to pine after her. We were friends, and although we saw each other in school, we mainly communicated over the internet. A few times I tried to ask her out or confess, but while it didn't work, it wasn't a complete rejection, which was why I kept on liking her. Though I will say I was disappointed when I was turned down. But nearly 6 years of crushing on a girl and pretty much knowing you have no chance is hard especially when for some reason you still have hope.

Anyway, what I eventually did was write her an e-mail confessing my feelings that I've had for so long as well as pretty much telling her to tell me that there'd be no chance at a relationship past the friendship we had. It was selfish of me, since she probably didn't expect anything like that from me after so long. But I suppose I needed some kind of cartharsis and a clean break. We still keep in touch, and I try not to think about her in that way and try to move on from that part of my life.

Also met a girl at my current university. Asked her out to lunch, and in the middle of our meal, she offhandedly mentions she has a boyfriend. Why are all the good ones taken?

Hmm, no real point to this post. I guess I would just say, if you have feelings for someone, express them. I don't think it's okay to just keep them inside all the time.

[Wanderingheartache]

Man, girl problems. There was this girl in high school I liked all four years of it, and even for another 2 years into college. But it was silly to pine after her. We were friends, and although we saw each other in school, we mainly communicated over the internet. A few times I tried to ask her out or confess, but while it didn't work, it wasn't a complete rejection, which was why I kept on liking her. Though I will say I was disappointed when I was turned down. But nearly 6 years of crushing on a girl and pretty much knowing you have no chance is hard especially when for some reason you still have hope.

Anyway, what I eventually did was write her an e-mail confessing my feelings that I've had for so long as well as pretty much telling her to tell me that there'd be no chance at a relationship past the friendship we had. It was selfish of me, since she probably didn't expect anything like that from me after so long. But I suppose I needed some kind of cartharsis and a clean break. We still keep in touch, and I try not to think about her in that way and try to move on from that part of my life.

Also met a girl at my current university. Asked her out to lunch, and in the middle of our meal, she offhandedly mentions she has a boyfriend. Why are all the good ones taken?

Hmm, no real point to this post. I guess I would just say, if you have feelings for someone, express them. I don't think it's okay to just keep them inside all the time.

Does anyone remember my first post in this thread, you know... the really long drawn out one where I spilled my whole history in a pretty big summary? Well I'm about to go into detail about some girl troubles to an extent, yeah I'll be including my "Big Three" who kept me sane too.


Kira- As of lately, we are just really good friends... I make her cry out of happiness when she's having horrible days because I'm pretty much a childhood friend now. We are like siblings and we are always standing by to catch one another if we fall hard... Because of this however, I know she'll turn down my affections in a heartbeat if I ever confessed an attraction or she might just misunderstand and continue to treat me like a brother. Given our history and just how much time has passed since our last face to face conversation, I think it would be better if I never pursue those feelings... we may be close but we aren't the same people we were as kids. I'm quite content with where things are but if she ever asked me to sleep with her, I can't say I'd refuse... Though I would still feel bad if it meant nothing more than just a physical urge and not anything deeper.


Hannah- the girl who cheated on me with her childhood friend, we met during anime club my junior year and I remember we had a lot of chemistry just sitting in the corner of the room running the projector and dvd player. She was into video games as well and would challenge me any chance she could get when people brought over their consoles. Not once did she ever beat me... she would have been angry if I had taken it easy on her even once. Amazing how when it came to real issues like fidelity that she would forget about "equality"... I only missed her birthday because of family business I had to attend to. It wasn't an emergency really, but it was a shock to have a relative in the hospital. I called to tell her the bad news and she seemed not to care... I didn't think much of it because she was kind of sarcastic over the phone anyway. I planned on taking her out on a date the next day, she never answered her phone... I went to her house with the excuse of returning a DVD I borrowed and hopefully catching her so I could ask when would be a good time for me to make things up to her. I saw her kiss her childhood friend "David"... I knew things were over at that point so I pretended not to see and just knocked on the door to return her DVD and just leave. Sure enough, she and David approached me a week later to tell me that I needed to stop calling (I only called once after that day to see if I loaned her a book that went missing from my collection) because things were over between Hannah and I. When school started back up the next month, David loved telling me stories about his sex life with Hannah and he loved rubbing it in my face... Hannah never spoke to me again.


Vanessa- the girl who broke my heart and destroyed a ceramic bracelet I made for her... when things were good it only took a snap of her fingers and I would be carrying out her will. I'm not even sure if half the guys I messed up for her "honor" even deserved any of the things I did to them, the best analogy for us would have been a dog and his handler... I actually learned how to fire clay and make some accessories for her. She eventually tried to make me a bully and demanded me to pick on May because of a rumor that May stole one of her boyfriends away... when I refused that's when Vanessa took the bracelet I made for her and just hurled it against the ground, as it shattered she hammered in the reality that I was just a tool for her to use. She told me that "no one would ever love a fool like me who wanted to be a knight so badly"... She would later send her new boytoys to try and cripple me. Underestimation that they would soon regret, I may not have liked fighting but I was more resourceful than they expected... I never threw a single punch and I let the environment do the work.


Erin- the virginity stealer, a two-timer who lied about breaking up with a friend of mine... She knew exactly how to reach into my heart and make me love her. More primal than any girl I've ever met, she seemed to always be in heat and she managed to bring out a side of me that I didn't know existed. I did a lot of things with her and learned some kinks that I would have never explored on my own, she helped me get over her best buddy Vanessa (bad sign right there) rather quickly and she kept a friend of mine on the same length leash. Eventually she grew bored of both of us and after stealing something from me that I can never recover... she pitted my friend against me with some lies and warned me that he was angry about something that never happened. I have made up with this friend, but we don't speak often anymore. I'm fairly certain that Erin and Vanessa are conning men left and right now.


May- I haven't heard from her since she left Austin... this is my only problem, letting go of my good memories. Because of what Austin means to her, the broken home and the constant teasing and rumors of people who were just horrible toward her... I begin to think that maybe all the good I tried to give may not have been enough to push out the horrible thoughts. Near the end it just felt one-sided and I think she regretted talking me into bed when just being in my arms would have been more appropriate considering what trauma she went through.


Nikki- the girl I'm pursuing now... the friend who I think I give too much space. I initially hesitated because she had gotten out of a relationship with a guy who seemed perfect for her but he didn't like the long distance and he decided that they would be better off as friends for now. I don't think I've ever seen her heartbroken or even frown when the topic comes up. She and I share a lot and I would like to think we've gotten closer since the convention we both attended... she thinks I'm joking about protecting her from perverts. From all the conversations I've had with her I've deduced that I'm not quite her type, we may get along very nicely but I don't think she'll ever really see me the same way I see her... I'm trying to find a way to confess my feelings without scaring her off. Every time I think we will end up in a situation where we will be alone, someone will usually follow us or tag along though I didn't ask them for the escort... She did agree to go see a movie with me one day but I have a feeling she'll invite a friend to tag along. I thought I would have been okay with just being really good friends, but the more she talks about someone special on her mind... the more anxious I get to tell her how I feel. The only girl besides May and Kira who I have given chocolates and flowers to in person on valentine's day. I'm not sure what to call this feeling really, "Love" seems too powerful even though I know a lot about her... but "Like" isn't quite strong enough considering what lengths I'm willing to go for her. (I walked her home last night when our friend's car broke down between a swimming pool and her house... I gave her a shirt to wear and I almost got in a fight with a drunk who was catcalling her, I think I told her I'd always be "the knight to her maiden fair")

[Daitengu]

Wanderingheartache,

Vanessa was right about one thing. You're never going to have a good relationship white knighting. This is 2012. Women don't like that crap anymore. As long as you feel you need to protect, they will feel like you're not a lover, but a protector.

[Mikka]

Virginity stealer? Really? Dude, take some freaking responsibility. Demonizing women like that is unbecoming.

[WorldlyWiseman]

exactly 100 problems

Why are you putting responsibility for your own happiness in the hands of others?

[yummines]

Harsh, how did you end up coping with that?

as i do with everything else. drown myself in video games.
also, listening to Nujabes is a really really good remedy for feeling sad.

for instance i felt kind of sad for the ending of the Rin route, till i saw this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hRekJkWXXI

[Wanderingheartache]

Virginity stealer? Really? Dude, take some freaking responsibility. Demonizing women like that is unbecoming.

I never said it was entirely her fault, you notice I never said that Erin forced me? I take responsibility for the fact that it happened and that I have wounded someone who considered me a brother because I believed her... because I had that level of lust. Maybe I didn't go into enough detail, but it is a very painful memory for me to bring up and I didn't want to make it a true demonization of her. Despite how horrible she treated me, I still see her as a person... mind you not a good person but a person nonetheless. If you want the complete history, scars and all... send me a PM and I'll gladly tell you every single event and I'll show you how badly I can demonize her. I admit the subtitle I put for her wasn't nice... but I can't really think about her without the flood of horrible thoughts rushing back.

Wanderingheartache,

Vanessa was right about one thing. You're never going to have a good relationship white knighting. This is 2012. Women don't like that crap anymore. As long as you feel you need to protect, they will feel like you're not a lover, but a protector.

Perhaps this is my fault for not elaborating further as well, I never "white knighted" for her... plain and simple I was a lapdog in her eyes and I was too stupid to realize it. At the time I thought I was just acting how I was supposed to, doing what she asked and learning ways to better myself. I learned how to fire clay to make her a bracelet but that wasn't my only reason... I learned how to do it because I thought it would have helped me concentrate on projects and keep the bad thoughts away when I took a test. One would think I took clay's malleability the same way a young mind works... it can be molded into any shape and fired to make an amazing product, but I saw it more as a way for me to turn my writing ideas into a real physical form. I suppose because I refused to hurt a friend that she saw me as a white knight...

Why are you putting responsibility for your own happiness in the hands of others?

Do you really see it that way? I thought it was just me reaching out the wrong people for selfish reasons... Loneliness is not something I like and I may cherish closeness a little too much, perhaps I'm just way too dependent on people? I'm happy when I write and when I play some games, but it isn't the same happy I see when there are two people together... the kind of happy one has when they have another person to do things that they can't do with just anyone. I'm pathetic because I can't stand on my own, I rarely speak out loud and I tend to stutter even while I talk to myself to type replies... But I am strong enough to keep trying even though I fall flat on my face.

[WorldlyWiseman]

Why are you putting responsibility for your own happiness in the hands of others?

Do you really see it that way? I thought it was just me reaching out the wrong people for selfish reasons... Loneliness is not something I like and I may cherish closeness a little too much, perhaps I'm just way too dependent on people? I'm happy when I write and when I play some games, but it isn't the same happy I see when there are two people together... the kind of happy one has when they have another person to do things that they can't do with just anyone. I'm pathetic because I can't stand on my own, I rarely speak out loud and I tend to stutter even while I talk to myself to type replies... But I am strong enough to keep trying even though I fall flat on my face.

It sounds like you are just willing to do whatever people tell you because you think that what they can give you is something you cannot provide for yourself. Even the positive friendships you describe sound like this. Using descriptors like 'pathetic' just solidifies in your mind this narrative of you being this put-upon person and only makes it more difficult to change.

All I can say is, when you are ready to change, expand your interests so that you can offer something more than possessive thuggery, and look inwards to find the source of all that anger.

Harsh, how did you end up coping with that?

as i do with everything else. drown myself in video games.
also, listening to Nujabes is a really really good remedy for feeling sad.

for instance i felt kind of sad for the ending of the Rin route, till i saw this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hRekJkWXXI

Hey there. I totally play the tiles game, too. I even add in the diagonals of where tile corners meet if it gets too easy

Games are totally great for getting an easy feeling of accomplishment, I can understand perfectly how tempting they can be.

What you can do - as in this second, minimal effort for maximum return - to begin that slow process of change is to try out Open Culture. Subscribe to the RSS or the e-mail list or whatever, and turn working through the steady trickle of free videos and essays into a game, like getting Xbox Live achievements or reading a VN about the entire human race.
Everything on the site is completely free and public domain, you will never run out of content, and all of the content will help you broaden your horizons and potentially find something that really inspires you. You may be able to find your way from there.