I've been angry and sad at the world the last few months, and I've also been angry at and sad for myself as well. But I wouldn't have described any of what I felt as pity. And that's exactly what I feel now.
I hate myself when that feeling is applied to me. I hate myself even more when I apply it to others.
Saki must have picked up on the silence, if not the reason for it. She jars me out of my thoughts.
“So Hisao, did you do much swimming before you came to Yamaku?”
“Not much,” I thankfully answer. “There was a public pool near where I lived, but it was always crowded. I didn't really go that much.”
“What about the beach?” Saki asks, her eyes brightening as she mentions it.
“I've only been once, when I was really little. We took a day trip and enjoyed it. Mom had always said we would go back, but it never happened and when they both got promotions a few years ago, there just wasn't any time.”
“It's a lot of fun, you should go again if you ever get the chance,” Saki says, swimming backwards away from me towards the far end of the pool. She glances up at the clock near the end. “I hate to be rude, but I really need to try and get in a few laps this morning before class...”
“Oh, don't mind me,” I say, making sure to move off towards one side so she has plenty of room. Saki smiles at me, and suddenly, there's a series of splashes as she takes off towards the opposite end. She reaches it there much faster than I did, and I don't think it's just because she's wearing a swimsuit while I'm wearing something much heavier.
I watch her as she moves, turning around and kicking back. There's the same type of grace she has when walking, only magnified. There's a purpose in her movements, and an elegance in the way she glides through the water. Even if I had proper attire, there's no way I would be able to do that.
Whether it's machismo or embarrassment, I decide I've spent enough time looking at Saki in her swimsuit for now and try to get a few more laps in. I start paddling for the far end of the pool.
…
Saki completes a dozen laps in the time it takes me to do another four. The last two really caught me breathing hard, but I know that's no excuse for me being completely outpaced.
“You'll never be able to keep up if you keep wearing that!” Saki says playfully as she sits on the pool stairs, most of her body out of the water. She kicks a leg at me, splashing me. “We'll have to get you something when we go to the city. We're still on for that, right?”
Ah, the city! I was so preoccupied with everything else going on this morning it totally slipped my mind.
“Absolutely. What day were you thinking?”
“This weekend. There's a few other things we need to do though while we're there...I hope you don't mind?” Saki asks tentatively.
“Like what?” I say, guardedly. I'm game for anything, but Saki and Chisato like to tease me enough when we get together here at the school. The thought of the two of them doing it away from the school and me a captive audience...
“We're going with Mrs. Sakamoto. We're working on...well, there's a project.” she explains, enthusiastic but just a bit...embarrassed? No, that's not quite right...but it's a little uncharacteristic.
“What kind of project?”
“It's...music related,” Saki hesitantly offers, standing up out of the pool completely, water streaming off her pale legs. “Ms. Sakamoto is helping us, um...record some stuff.”
This sparks my interest. “What, like for an album?” I ask as Saki grabs her towel and starts to dry herself off.
“No. Yes. Well, maybe. We haven't really decided yet.” she says, avoiding my eyes as she works the rough fabric over her skin. I don't think I've ever seen her uncomfortable like this, but then again she was the one who brought it up.
I have my own struggles that I have a hard time discussing. I don't have any idea as to why, but I'm getting this exact same vibe from Saki at the moment. I can't relate to the reason, but I can definitely relate to that feeling.
She'd probably continue on if I pressed the issue, but I can tell she doesn't really want to. It's probably best to leave it be for now.
“Sounds like fun,” I say, trying to cheer her up the same way she's done with me. “So, we're making a day of it then?”
My words have the desired effect as her face returns to its normal thousand watt smile. “Yeah. It will be you, me, Mrs. Sakamoto, Chisato, and Noriko if she wants to come. We'll do what we need to, go shopping, then probably all have dinner together before coming back to the school. How's that sound?”
I didn't expect that there was going to be a teacher chaperoning us, but despite that it does sound like a good time. I'm looking forward to it, but for a spur of the moment excursion on my part, it's starting to sound like it may be a bit pricey. My parents do send me an allowance, but since I just got here I haven't had a chance to start saving some of it away.
“Well,” I start, rubbing the back of my neck. “I guess it depends on how much a set of swim trunks costs. Plus I need to buy the stuff for the fish, so money might be a bit tight...”
“Hey, I gave you the bowl and everything he needs,” Saki says. “You just need to get some food and things for his water.”
I make my way to the stairs at the end of the pool and start to drag myself out. “Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with that pink. I can deal with only being able to afford instant ramen if I have to.”
At this, Saki lets out a chortle but quickly stifles it. “I think it's a great color! But yeah, I guess the pink gravel's just not manly enough, is it?” she says, looking at me with a twinkle in her eyes and her hand hiding her mouth. I can see her shoulders shaking as she's trying not to burst out again.
Seeing as how I'm drenched in a track outfit that's absorbed so much water it's stretching out to half again its normal size on my frame, I'm sure I'm exuding the absolute essence of what it means to be manly.
Roll with it.
“Of course,” I say. “He needs something like black, or grey, or red. Power colors. If someone finds him, I at least want them to be impressed. Maybe I'll get into less trouble.” My words, spoken proudly, are punctuated by the loud splattering of very fat water droplets practically streaming off me and onto the floor.
Saki loses her fight to maintain her composure and doubles over, laughing hard. She ends up sitting on one of the benches near her for support.
I try to keep up the bravado as I make bold, confident strides towards my towel hanging on the rack, but the corners of my mouth are quivering, threatening to split into a grin at any moment at how absurd it all is.
“Alright,” Saki says, brushing a small tear out of the corner of her eye and trying to breathe normally. “We'll make sure to get him something that won't embarrass you.”
While we're on the subject of embarrassing, the cold air against my thighs makes me remember what gym shorts do when wet. Thank god I've already got my towel in my hand and my shirt has stretched down past my waist. I know I look ridiculous, but well...let's just say it could be worse.
“Speaking of manly, have you figured out what kind of swim trunks you're planning to get?” Saki asks.
Jesus, how does she do that?
“No...” I say, toweling off my hair, hoping to hide my face for the few seconds it will take to get my blushing under control. “Probably just something standard.”
“You know,” she says, “it can be pretty important if you're going to be doing this often. The same company that makes my suit makes one for guys too.”
I glance over Saki again without trying to make it too obvious. “Does it fit like yours?”
“Maaaaybe,” she answers me with that casual teasing tone. I imagine myself trying to swim in something that basically resembles a pair of briefs...and it's not a good image.
“I'll pass, thanks. I have enough issues with my self image.”
“You're not that bad,” Saki says, eyeing me up and down and being completely unashamed of doing it. But then again, I did give her an excuse. “Well, for someone who just spent a few months in the hospital anyway.”
“It's not like I had a say in it,” I reply sardonically. As soon as I say it, I wince. That came out a bit harsher than I thought it would. “Sorry.”
“No, I mean it,” Saki reiterates. “Were you in any sports clubs before you came here?”
“I played soccer with some friends once in a while...”
“Well don't worry. You look fine. Swim for a few weeks and you're only going to look better.”
“Emi said the same thing about running,” I answer, reaching down to dry off my legs. Seeing as how there's still water dribbling off of my shorts, it seems a bit futile.
“Oh come on,” Saki playfully says. “You know running isn't exactly my thing, so how do you think I'm able to keep this amazing body?” she asks, twisting towards me seductively, pushing her chest out and running a hand down her thigh. As she finishes those words, she also lowers her eyelids in a sultry stare.
The effect is instantaneous. I'm not sure what happens first, either my eyes going wide or my face turning as red as my track shorts.
Saki breaks the spell just as fast as she casts it, laughing at my reaction, her cheeks flushed. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry!”
Do that again without me expecting it and you may just give me another heart attack. “You do know exactly what you're doing, don't you?”
She takes the swim cap off and shakes her head, causing her ponytail to spring free. A few stray strands have come out giving her a slightly disheveled look, but it's one she wears very well.
“Yep.” she affirms. “Told you I have no shame.” She starts to towel off her arms. “But swimming really does work well for me. I need something that works out the full body, and this is a lot more fun than lifting weights or doing situps.” Saki turns completely towards me and makes eye contact, with the same seriousness she pinned on me at the festival. “You really should stick with it.”
I think about it for a moment.
“You do this every morning, huh?” I ask.
“Mhmm,” she affirms again, looking at me with a slight hint of expectancy.
I think about it for another moment. An extremely short moment.
“Alright, if you can put up with me wearing this until this weekend,” I say, looking down at my shirt. I can see the color of my skin in a few areas where the wet fabric rests against my body, but the scar on my chest fortunately isn't raised enough to be seen like that.
“Good!” Saki says, reaching down to her left side, then frowning in puzzlement. She looks at the floor around her, then over towards the edge of the pool where her cane is still laying on the ground. “Oh shoot, I left it over there...Hisao, can you please get my cane for me?”
“Sure,” I say, draping my towel over my shoulders. I stand up and walk over to it, bending down to retrieve it. By the time I make it back to where Saki is, she's already standing with her sandals on.
“Thanks,” she says, taking it from me. “Ugh, I'm going to have to go straight from here to class. I hate it when I have to do that.”
A quick glance at the clock at the far end of the room confirms that I'll have to be moving really fast to make it myself. I mentally start counting the time in my head. A few minutes to dry off and change, then across to the dorm to change into my school uniform, but that doesn't leave any time for a shower...
“Crap,” I mention. “First time doing this, I didn't bring my uniform with me. I still need to run back.”
“You better get going then,” Saki says, as we walk back towards the entrance of the locker rooms as quickly as we can safely manage with the wet floor and her cane. When we reach it and climb the small stairway, Saki stops and turns to face me.
“Bright and early tomorrow then?” she asks.
“Bright and early,” I reply. I shouldn't have any problem getting to bed early tonight, as the only thing I really need to do is go see Nurse again and let him know how this morning went.
And I can tell him that it went surprisingly well.
With a final wave to each other, she turns away and I do the same. The cold tile is under my feet as I round the corner in a few long strides, and I'm frantically stripping down to finish drying before I'm even in front of the locker I stashed my clothes in. I towel myself off furiously, trying to make sure I get everything dry enough to not have my clothes stick to me when I put them on.
It only takes a few minutes before I'm dressed in very casual clothing. All I could think to grab was normal pants and an undershirt. It may not have been a problem walking to the pool because it was so early, but now with students and faculty walking around campus because class is about to start, I'm sure to get a few strange looks.
Eh, let them look. If Nurse has as many spies around the school as everyone thinks he does, then word should get back to him and he won't be able to doubt me.
That settles it. Tomorrow, I'm bringing my uniform and just showering here. If nobody uses the pool this time of day, then I know I won't run into Kenji or anyone else who might use the shared dorm bathroom.
I brought a plastic bag to carry my wet clothing back to the dorm, so I hastily wrap the shirt and shorts into the towel and stuff the whole bundle inside. Maybe one of my undershirts would be better for this, or I might just go shirtless in the morning.
Yeah, right.
Regardless of what I decide to do about the shirt, I don't have any options about the track shorts until I can buy a suitable replacement, so I resign myself to wearing them again the next day.
But I'm definitely going to be wearing something underneath them.
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Those are some very high compliments. Don't worry, I don't plan on burning myself out, which is probably why it takes me so long to update. I just can't sit down and force myself to write or keep a schedule. I have to be in the mood to get out what I want or nothing comes out right and I'll delete entire pages that can't be salvaged, even with an outline. I know I'll at least hit the major plot points I want to get out in a chapter, but I just get so unhappy with the way it comes out.
